20. miles apart

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Nova

"Fuck," I breathe, scrambling to find the right piece of paper within the mess on my desk. I'm running late for an important dinner, but I have multiple deadlines that hold me on a noose.

This past week, I've been living life in a rushed daze. I feel like I'm asleep all day, but every now and then, I'll wake up and feel everything hit me. I like being asleep more. I fucking love sleeping.

I should have never spent my night with him. I've learned, quite young in life, to keep my nights clean. The stars don't like it when you lace them with regrets.

But there is no regret. God, I want to regret it. I want to hate that he was so touchy, that we had genuine conversations, and that we promised to hold each other accountable for things. I can't feel anything but the excitement of being that close to someone. Almost kissing him. I'm trying to avoid getting attached but he's doing all the right things to make sure it happens. 

some part of me exists that feels sad every time I think about the fact that he's not even on the same continent as me. Maybe I miss going out for lunch close to his work building and knowing that I could run into him.

I can't explain the way that I feel his absence. I didn't even talk to him when he was here but knowing that if I wanted to, which I won't, and I couldn't, makes my stomach sink.

When I hesitate on hitting the submit button for the third time, I force myself to stop thinking at all. I hit submit and push up from the desk, feeling relief circle me. I close the computer, slip on my coat and gather my things to leave.

I walk out of the building, circling the ring that's a few sizes too big for me around my finger. The dinner I'm going to is a really big deal for me.

It gives me a chance to make connections with some of the biggest influences in my field and learn from them.

It gives me an entrance to the life I'll be living when I graduate. My hands are shaking as I hail a cab and when one finally pulls over, I slide in silently. When I make it to the dinner, I text Mae, letting her know I'm there.

She's at the front waiting for me and greets me with her powerful smile, the kind that connects her perfectly to her job.

Mae snaps me out of my head by hugging me tightly and swaying my body. "I'm so happy to see you!"

"You saw me this morning," I say over her shoulder.

"Shh," she says.

I laugh and she releases me. She studies me, not helping my nerves. Then her lips break out in another smile, "You look amazing, darling."

I tense at the last word, my heart stutters- it's so humorous. I almost considered texting him to tell him that he's traumatized me and completely ruined an innocent word. But I don't. I can't.

I want to.

I'll call him today. Put my pride away. 

Mae tells me about everyone who's coming, tells me what to say, and warns me about the amount of unnecessary testosterone that I'll have to endure. I laugh when I need to, too busy focusing on not falling into my mind.

When we make it there, Mae and I approach the table and she introduces me to everyone. 

I wish I hadn't agreed to this. Luckily, I don't have to talk much and the conversation was only passed to me for questions about how I planned to continue my future.

I felt very comfortable and welcomed. The dinner was actually very enjoyable and I could tell that nobody saw me as just an intern by the end- which was a big fear of mine.

The male testosterone was not all that overpowering. There were only 4 women out of the 12 who were dining- including myself, but the power the women held made the energy equal. It felt good.

Every now and then, when no one was saying anything that interested me, my mind would wander. I analyzed the night I had spent with Theo. I think I do miss him more than I'm letting myself feel.

"I'm so ready to leave," Mae says to me. "You're doing great though."

When the night ends, I trade phone numbers with a few of the people, share timid smiles, and shake hands nervously. They wish me luck in my future.

Then I hug Mae and deny needing a ride because I'm done socializing and I want to wallow in my thoughts.

She hugs me before getting in her car. 

And when I'm walking away from the restaurant, I feel a sudden relief of having a night I had been dreading come to an end.

Walking down the dark street, the wind stings me and I'm taken back to to the night. 

I want to be at a point where I can be casual with him. Where I'm not always the first one texting or calling-  why can't he just text me first?

I want to be at a point where I don't analyze every fucking movement I make, down to the sound of my voice.

And when I escape the harsh fall breeze by entering the subway station, I come to terms with the fact that we aren't the same teenagers who were forced into the same building anymore. We walked into the streets of the real world, a world that's so much bigger, and we forgot what it meant to know each other. We have to start over and it's so hard and I just want to be able to fully navigate how I feel. 

Pulling away is my solution to not doing something without understanding it. I like him, some part of me always will, but I'm cautious for a reason. I need to make sure I won't get hurt again because if I do... this time it's going to hurt me more. 

So, I decided to dilute the poison on my tongue and promise myself that I'll give up on this for good. I can't push him away, though. I know it. Hell, all my friends knew it before I did. Growing up without many meaningful relationships meant that when I met him and he found a way to be my favorite person, I gave everything I could give to the friendship. 

Watching my first true friendship end the way it did will always haunt me. He apologized but there is a difference between forgetting and forgiving. 

I walk onto the train, easily finding a seat. Remember when he walked all the way from his house to a subway station because you told him to? Shut up. 

I glanced at myself in the window. Remember the easy smirks he'd give you when he'd catch your eye? He was probably laughing at just how awkward I had been.

That's it, I'm not going to play a find-a-memory-of-him-in-everything game. I go on my phone, checking the very few notifications that are on my phone. I reply to texts from my friends, one being about the surprise party we're throwing for Roma.

Then I remember that I had invited Theo. Like the damn idiot, you are. Stop the hate, bitch. How was I supposed to know I'd end up thinking about the subway because he rode it with me once?

Thank fuck for the train halting to a stop. I rush out as if it's possible to run from my thoughts. It's dark, the streets are slick with leftover rain, and a few puddles pool under streetlights. When the wind blows, the loose leaves of autumn rustle, spraying rainwater onto my coat.

I continue walking down the streets of the city that's bright even when the world is indebted to the dark, the city that has given me so much in place for what the world has taken for me. Friends, something of a family, a home.

Reaching my apartment makes me realize how desperate I am to get into bed. I take the elevator up, open my door and fall onto my couch. I continue on my phone, responding to the continuous messages of Violet who's in a different state and keeps asking what the city is like. She gets homesick easily.

Does Theo get homesick when he's on trips?

I find an article I want to send Mae, but while looking for her contact, I spot Theo's. Even seeing his name makes my fingers flow with uncertainty. 

I turn off my phone and decide that my night should come to an end soon. I get ready for bed, changing into the comfiest clothes I can find.

Then I decide to tackle the household tasks that don't ever seem to do anything but increase. How lovely. I fold laundry, find the clothes Theo had leant me, and make sure I set them in the corner of my room.

When I get bored, I decide to call Tony so I pick up my phone and hit the call button. I don't glance at the phone, holding it between my shoulder and ear as I fold a t-shirt. The line rings 4 times before being answered.

"Why does it take you so long to answer?" I ask, annoyed.

"Because it's three in the fucking morning," the husky voice on the other end answers.

I nearly gasp, pursing my lips together. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, what do I do? I must have not clicked off of his contact. Oh my god, what is wrong with me? It sounded like I had woken him up. I did wake him up.

Oh my god.

"Hey," I amend, cringing at myself.

I can hear his deep sigh, "Why are you calling me?" He sounds annoyed. I want to die.

"Sorry, It was an accident. I, um, meant to call my friend," I say, frantically.

"You seem to do this a lot," he says, his voice almost sounding humorous. "I'm starting to get offended."

"Sorry," I say again, pinching my eyes shut.

"Are you?" he asks, his voice sounding so deep and sleepy.

Oh god, the sleepy voice.

"Yes!" I say. "Really. You should go back to sleep."

"I don't know how I'll be able to fall asleep now," he sighs. "Shame, I was having such a nice night."

"Really?" I ask, catching onto the sarcasm.

"I was so tired too," he continues. "And I have meetings so early in the morning. I was really looking forward to getting a good night's sleep."

My eyes stay closed, guilt takes over my whole body. Even if he's kidding, I still feel like shit. "I'm sure you could go back to sleep."

"I don't know," he says, sounding troubled. "My doctor warned me that it's very crucial for me to get exactly 8 hours of sleep a night."  His sleepy voice sounded too amused for him to be even slightly serious.

I open my eyes, feeling the guilt leave me. "This is why I don't talk to you."

"Yeah?" he asks and the sleepy vibration of his voice travels through me.

"Yes," I murmur. "It's only 10 here," I defend.

"I know," he says.

Right. "Were you really asleep?" I ask.

"No, I don't adjust well to time changes," he admits.

"Really?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says.

I have so many questions that fall to the tip of my tongue. What were you doing then? When are you coming back?

"Are you having fun?" I ask. It's probably a weird question.

I hear him laugh and my body buzzes again, "No," he says. "Life is very boring when there isn't a smart ass to make you watch bad movies at night."

My heart jumps. That's me. "How sad."

"Very," he says. "I'm also missing those letters you promised me."

My pulse quickens again, "I tried, but the queen of England, herself, said that sending letters to annoying men who have bad taste in movies is not allowed."

"Damn," he sighs. "The queen can be a bit controlling, can't she?"

"Yeah, it's quite disheartening actually," I say.

Then the line goes silent and my body doesn't feel like my own. My heart is racing, my hands are clammy, and my lungs feel panicky. Then he says, "I should try sleeping and you should call the right person."

And I say, "Yeah." To which? I don't know. I won't be able to talk to Tony after this and he really should sleep.

And I want to say goodbye. I want to tell him to try the worst-looking food he can find. I want to tell him about my dinner. I just want to keep talking. "Um, what'd you do today?" Just give me a few more minutes with you.

I hear the deep laugh that makes me smile in return. "Aside from meetings, I went to dinner with a few people from the company."

"Is the food there good?" I ask. 

"It's okay," he answers. "What about you, Scott? What have you been doing besides missing me."

"I also had a work dinner," I say. 

"Mm, and how'd that go?" he asks, sounding genuine enough to make me smile again. 

"Well I was really nervous about it but it went better than I thought," I say. "I was scared they wouldn't like me or something."

"It's hard not to like you," he says.

"You only think that because I'm, like, your coolest friend," I say. 

"I still mean it," he responds. 

I turn my face into a pillow and try not to scream. "I think you should go to sleep, Theo," I say with a smile he can't see. 

"I think you should too, Nova," he says. 

"Goodnight- well, technically morning," I say. 

"Goodnight, Scott." 

I thought about how embarrassing it was to have called him by accident and how much of an idiot I seemed. I also thought about how nice it felt to talk to him. 

And I felt the overwhelming feeling of everything I had been keeping to myself over the last month. I had only talked to my friends about little things and barely kept up with them.

I feel so tired and holding these things in, makes me feel worse. Maybe if I talk to someone, if I get someone else's perspective on it, it'll make sense. Talking with him today confused me more but it feels good with him. I'll focus on that. I'll focus on how good it feels until it doesn't anymore.

Theo

I'm woken up by three knocks on my door. I'd managed to fall asleep again after my phone call with Nova. I'd lied and told her I could never sleep because of time zones, but in reality, I can sleep even better when I'm away from New York.

When I'm traveling, I'm not treated like my father's son. It's enjoyable. However, when you get a call from the one person who would never dare to call you, you get concerned. Then she starts talking to you and you're reminded of how much you care about how she feels. 

She's talking to me though. Even if it's by accident.

I slide on the first shirt I can find, and slide on my reading glasses before walking to the door. When I open it, I find the one person I never want to see this early in the morning at my door holding a tray of breakfast. Jordan.

He grins at seeing me. "What? You're so old now that you have to wear glasses to answer the door."

I close the door with him still on the other side and walk back to my bed, listening to him stop the door with his free hand and walk inside. "You're clearly in a good mood."

"Go away," I mutter into my pillow.

I feel the bed dip next to me, "I don't think it's fair that you get the nicest suites," he says.

"Cry about it," I say.

He sighs, taking my phone out from under the pillow. "I called you like 30 times to ask you what muffin you wanted."

I don't say anything.

He sets the phone back down, "Got any meetings today?"

"Yeah," I say, turning over to my back.

He sighs, "I'm ready to leave."

I shrug, "It's not bad."

He looks distant, "Right... I've just got priorities in the city."

My lips twitch. He's been pining after some girl for a while, but from the likes of it, she doesn't want him back.

After some time of me ignoring him, Jordan leaves and I step into the shower. Recently, being in the city doesn't seem all that bad.

We're all attracted to the things that we know will harm us. It excites you, makes life interesting, and in reality, it's not doing genuine harm.

I live a very constant life and she interrupts it.

It makes my life not feel boring. I have so many people in my life who are safe. Seemingly perfect people. People who have no flaws. People who have no personality.

And then, there's her. She is not boring- quite entertaining actually. She's the furthest thing from safe and it's exciting. 

She's so different from anyone I've been around. She's always been like that. It's always been the reason I gravitate towards her. Perfect people are easy to learn, easy to please, they're all the same.

But she's Nova. She's her own being. She drinks cheap tea, stares at the moon, apparently has birds outside her window, watches too many movies, reads poetry at night, and only buys second-hand books.

Stepping out of the shower, I get dressed into the clothes my stylist has picked out for me.

I run my fingers through my hair a few times, deciding it's fine, and sliding on a few rings- including the one Nova had gotten me.

It's warmer in London than it is in New York, so I don't take a coat with me. I eat the muffin Jordan had gotten me and take the elevator to the conference floor. Spotting Jordan I walk up to him.

When he spots me, he looks at me with a frown. "The week got doubled."

I suppress a groan, "How do you know?" 

He shrugs, "They'll probably talk to you about it. Something about combining next month's meetings with this week."

"Fuck," I muttered, checking my emails. "I'm leading all of the meetings since the schedule change was too sudden."

He shakes his head, "You'd think these sorts of events would be better run."

I nod, leaning against the wall. "I don't even have the meetings for next month planned."

He frowns, "Where's your dad?"

I shrug, "Some conference thing in Texas." I run my hands through my hair.

Jordan's eyes narrow on my hands, "Is that a new ring?"

My lips twitch, "Yeah."

He looks at me, "What? Is she proposing to you now?"

I roll my eyes.

He grins, "My bad, I forget women are usually repelled by your hostility."

I glare at him and his smile deepens. "How is she?"

"Fine," I say. 

"Fine?" he asks with a smile. "So you've talked to her?"

I nod, "She called last night."

"Damn, look at the progress," he grins. "So it's serious then?" 

"Speaking of serious, are you gonna tell me who you've been seeing for the last month," I ask with a grin. 

"No, maybe we should talk about the fact that Nova's got you smiling and shit," he counters. 

I shake my head, "No, actually, I think we should talk about the fact that you've been leaving the office pretty early on a regular basis." 

"I'm good, man," he smiles. 

"Oh okay," I nod, knowing we're going to change the topic. 

I walk into the meeting room when it's time for me to set up. When I'm done, there's still five minutes left before anyone else comes in, so I decide to text her.

Me: I'm here another week.

A few seconds pass. I don't expect her to answer, she's probably at work.

Nova: Really? Is it mandatory for you to stay?

Me: I'm leading all of them.

Nova: I feel so bad for the people who have to attend your meetings :(

Me: Smartass.

Nova: Why can't you have someone lead them for you?

Me: It's too short notice.

Nova: Sucks to suck :)

The people file in, I drone on with the material and spend thirty minutes talking to the annoying ass people who ask a hundred questions after the meeting is over.

I walk back to my hotel room, set my things down, and without bothering to change my clothes, I step out.

I get dinner with Jordan, we both drink and avoid the topic of women.

__________________

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- Kay


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