TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER WILL INCLUDE SCENES OF MENTAL HEALTH & REFERENCES OF ABUSE. PLEASE TAKE CAUTION WHEN READING AND DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY AFFECT YOU

"I thought you swore off parties?"

I got home from my evening class to find Sophia and Lia running around the apartment, frantically getting ready while Kate eats popcorn and enjoys the show from afar. 

"I swore of parties thrown by the Hockey Team" Soph corrects.

"Ah, I see" I say, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl Kate has extended to me.

She rests her elbows back on the kitchen counter and enjoys watching the chaos, "Lia invited by a girl in her English Lit to a party being thrown by her sorority tonight. Since the Hockey team got banned from throwing parties until after their first game everyone on campus is desperate for night of intoxication and bad decisions." She throws some popcorn up in the air and catches it in her mouth.

"Smooth moves." I praise with a wink and she does a theatrical bow that makes us both laugh.

"I will buy you both what I weigh in popcorn if you get ready this very second. The party started an hour ago and we're verging on asshole late instead of fashionably late!"

I never realised just how easily college students can become addicted to partying... until I met Lia. We haven't been to one since the first day and she going through withdrawals. She dances around the apartment, has at least 5 different 'party' playlists that I know of and a few days ago I caught her getting fully dressed up, to which she said she just wanted to know if the dress would go with the shoes. Explain to me the fresh manicure and smokey eye then Lia, hm?

"You can go Lia. No one's stopping you" Kate says, taking more popcorn from the bowl.

"But I want us to all go together! Drunk stories are the best part of college!"

"Interesting priorities Lia" Sophia chides as she walks out of the room they share, dressed in tight black leather pants and a tan halter crop top. She really is effortlessly stunning.

"I see you caved" I joke and Sophia jerks her thumb back at our flatmate.

"You think I had a choice? If I don't go she threatened to bring a guy back while I was asleep."

I scrunch my face up at the implication, "That's gross Lia. Have some boundaries jesus."

"Don't knock it till you've tried it" Sophia replies with a wink and I quite literally become a goldfish. 

"On second thought, do it Lia. Clearly Soph's into it." I mock.

"Ew no! It wasn't in the same room!" she defends, "Hugo was giving Seb shit for being "unsatisfactory" during a past hook up, so I made my feelings very clear when I screamed Seb's name as he fucked me against the wall between his and Hugo's rooms."

"Well damn. That's kinda hot." Kate chuckled.

"So hot that Hugo got a boner just from the noise." Soph replied with a smug smirk.

"No way!" Kate gasped.

"I will send you pics of a Hugo Morris boner if you would just PLEASE get ready!" Lia is practically frothing at the mouth by this point and amongst my laughter I start to feel sorry for the poor girl.

"That would be a no to the dick pics and still a no to the party. I refuse to voluntarily walk into another party full of hockey players." I say, grabbing a water from the fridge.

"They won't be there!" Lia yells.

Well isn't that interesting...

"Wait why not?" 

"Part of their punishment for the whole ice cream and locker lovechild is Mason's entire house is banned from even attending parties until after the first game." she explains.

"Coach can do that?!" I'm delighted with the news but that doesn't mean I'm not surprised.

"Yup" Lia pops the 'p'. "Grinsky has done it to us around competitions before too. Being an athlete is no joke here Lexi"

Gulp. 

I know it's not an easy ride being a college athlete but I didn't realise how much power the coaches have. Speaking of Coaches I really need to find out from Grinsky when I get my new skates. If I don't practice I don't stand a chance at placing when we go to our first competition in 2 weeks. Not placing is not an option.

"Sooooo will you come with us?"

I look to Kate to gage her feelings about it, "What do you think?"

"It would be nice to get out." She says slowly and I realise she was only going to stay in to keep me company.

"Fuck it" I throw my water on the counter and grab the tequila bottle instead, flicking the cap and taking a swig. It burns my throat in the most satisfying way. Sophia wolf whistles me and both Kate and Lia look stunned. I never drink like this, it's always mixed with something but I've had a crappy start to College and after my emotional download to Kate the least I can do is make sure she gets to go out tonight, "Let's go"

Lia practically screams, "YES YES YES!" she runs over and full on mouth kisses me, "I. Love. You."

I'm too stunned to even laugh, "Uh yeah, love you too Lia..."

She runs back to her room to finish getting ready, squealing the entire time.

Kate loops her arm through mine, a giant grin plastered on her face, "So how is she? Too sloppy, too firm?"

Clearly she's enjoying my complete shock, "You laugh now but that's the most action I've had in months"

"Now that we have to fix tonight." she replies with a wink, dragging me into our room and throwing tops at me from her closet. A burgundy one lands on my head and Kate's giggles turn into a full body laugh.

"It's the chosen one!" she gasps.

"There's no way I'll look good in this!" I yell back, holding the top up. It's a gorgeous burgundy bodysuit and the material is a soft cotton I want to make a pillow out of... but it's off the shoulder... it won't hide everything...

"You'll look amazing Lexi! Just try it on, pleaseeeee?"

I crumble at her puppy dog eyes. Stupid Kate and her cute, loveable face that I just want to squish.

I undress and pull on the bodysuit, shimmying back into the black skinny jeans I was already wearing once it's on. While Kate's doing her make up in the bathroom I take the opportunity to do something I actively avoid and look at myself in the mirror. 

The second I do I know it's a mistake. I see every curve, every bump, every imperfection he would point out to me. I didn't think I could sink lower after my Mom died but Derrick turned my own mind against me, made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. No amount of time can fully heal the marks he left on me, but it's the ones people can't see that shattered the person I was and left this newer yet somehow weaker version to pick up the pieces. They don't fit together anymore. They're disjointed, fear and vulnerability seeping through the cracks and changing their shape so much that I barely recognise the girl staring back at me.

"Lexi..." I jump at the sound of Kate voice and come crashing back to Earth. It's then that I notice my cheeks are wet but when did I start crying?

"Are you ok?" she asks attentively.

"I can't wear this." I whisper back, looking at myself still in the mirror but trying to subtlety pull my hair over my left shoulder and cover the mark there.

"You look beautiful Lexi." she replies, her voice gentle and kind.

"I feel exposed" I confess, closing my eyes to hide from the pity radiating from her.

I hear hangers moving and moments later feel something being placed around my shoulders. I slowly open my eyes and am greeted by a black denim jacket hanging over my shoulders and Kate stood next to me, interlocking her right hand with my left one.

"One day, when you look in the mirror... you'll see just how far you've come." She shrugs, "Until then, you've got me to remind you. If it takes a jacket for you to feel comfortable then I have plenty of them. You're welcome to any of them whenever you need one."

The kindness Kate shows me is almost overwhelming. I learned to fear acts of affection, to see them as something that I owed the giver for. The way Kate's looking at me, I'm hopeful that for once someone doesn't expect a reward from me for their 'generosity'.

"Thank you. The Universe is really trying to get back on my good side by sending me you." I say, turning to face her and gently squeezing her hand.

"The Universe knew I needed a sister is all." she smiles at me like I've given her the world. The guilt eats away at me since I feel like more of a burden to her than a sister.

"I'm honoured to be your sister" I reply and I make a promise to myself that whenever Kate needs me, no matter what crisis I'm dealing with, I'll be there for her like she's been for me.

Kate sits me down at her desk and helps curl my hair whilst I apply make up to cover up how crying made my face red. I still look natural but my eyes pop more with the hint of dark red eyeshadow I apply to match my top.

Sophia pokes her head around the door frame right as I zip up my ankle boots, "If we don't leave right this very second I think Lia may burst some blood vessels."

"I worry about that girl" Kate chuckles.

"We all do." I snort. Standing up, I place my hand on her shoulder and hold the other over my heart as I speak dramatically, "All we can do is be there for her and help her through this challenging time."

"I wouldn't be having a challenging time if the people I live with would get their hot pieces of ass out our fucking door!" she yells back from the living room causing the rest of us to burst out into a chorus of loud, obnoxious laughter as we file out the room.

~~~~~

Going to College Parties is so much easier when your flatmate is dating a star hockey player. The frat guy on the door took one look at Sophia walking past the queue of people waiting to get in and rolled out his metaphorical red carpet for her. 

Do I feel bad for the people waiting for way longer than us? Sort of. Am I about to turn down the complimentary Vodka shot on entry into a warm house for one of them to take my place? Hell no. If that makes me an entitled bitch then fine, for tonight that's who I'll be. A break from everything and everyone, specifically the 6ft 3 hockey captain clouding my mind, is exactly what I need and I'll do just about anything to get it.

The house is overflowing with students ranging from tipsy to completely blackout drunk individuals curled up in the corners of rooms. They're grinding on each other, playing pong, making out against walls, doing body shots - everything. As far as I can see, the open plan downstairs area is a kaleidoscope of flashing lights and palpable sexual tension.  

It's like having a window into the lives of every person in here. In this moment, I could be witnessing the start of a hook up that turns into a beautiful life together or maybe the girl kissing a stranger will get her heart broken when he leaves the bed in the morning. I guess Lia was right when she said nights like this are filled with bad decisions.

I'm snapped out of my philosophical day dreaming when Sophia grabs my wrist and pulls me toward the kitchen. I wasn't paying attention to her and instinctively pull away from her grip. She turns and frowns at me, clearly confused and spooked by my reaction. 

Quickly Lexi, choose one of your pre-prepared excuses before you lose your window to feign confusion.

A laugh abruptly bursts out of me.

Well, that's one way to convince her I have in fact lost my mind.

"Oh god! Sorry Soph, I couldn't see you at all with all the people and lights. I thought you were someone else!"

Classic response with a fool proof excuse. A job well done I say.

"I didn't move Lexi" she says tilting her head in concern, "I called your name loads. You even responded to me, you just didn't move."

Shit.

I don't remember opening my mouth let alone speaking to her. Is this really where I'm at now? I don't even have control over my bodily functions?

Fabulous.

Sophia is visibly concerned and I don't have another valid excuse to seduce her with.

Smile Lexi. For God's sake, just laugh it off. Do something. Anything but staring at her like she just caught you stealing her monopoly money.

Last resort - ramble nonsense at her and distract.

"Sorry! I'm super tired. Let's get some drinks! I want to dance!"

Yes because those all make sense together. Cue the internal face palm. I loop my arm with hers before she has chance to ask anything and pull her into the kitchen. I spot Lia and Kate pouring mixers into red solo cups and make a bee-line for them.

God I have got to figure out a way of handling touch better. There's only so many times I can brush off my knee-jerk reactions before someone notices the pattern. It'll be like re-wiring my brain though and I fear there's no easy solution.

"What've you got for us bartender?" I ask, plastering a smile so big on my face I could scare off some 4th graders.

"My signature drink" Lia replies with a wink. Considering it's a home recipe I should probably be more concerned about what's in the cup she hands me but I'm too focused on becoming one of the drunk corner creepers and forgetting my troubles to care all that much.

I down it in one and the looks on my flatmates' faces tell me that was the totally wrong way to drink it. Whoops.

"Maybe you should slow down?" a deep voice reverberates behind me.

"Maybe you should bite me" I scorn, turning around to glare at them and finding a stunned Nick Stone. 

"Damn, our most advanced skater has some spice Lia." he chuckles.

"Sorry Nick, I didn't realise it was you." I groan.

"No need to apologise Turner. Lia's mixes can be lethal. I was only looking out for you but I apologise if I overstepped." He holds his hands up in surrender and his goofy smile makes me feel like even more of an ass.

"You didn't." I concede, "I appreciate you looking out for me. I've just had a rough start to the year and I want to ignore it for a couple hours."

"No need to explain." He replies kindly, "If you want me to mess with Jennings' locker though as payback, consider me at your service." He bows and I can't help but laugh at his silliness. At least there's some decent guys left in the world.

My reprieve from Mason based drama however is short lived as we're interrupted by Seb wrapping his arms around Sophia from behind. Soph tenses but instantly relaxes at his voice in her ear.  

"What are you doing here?" she queries, though she doesn't seem all that unhappy to see him.

"Anthony just couldn't resist gate-crashing so we're on cockblock duty. Have to get him back to our place before a video or photo of one of us here ends up on Instagram. Coach will kick all of us off the team." He explains. My fingers itch to grab my phone and video every hockey player I can find but somehow I think that will only exaggerate my current problems with them.

Sam walks up as I daydream of a life where no Bridewell Bears share the ice with us. He exchanges a personal 'hi' and hug with Kate and I raise an eyebrow at her as he turns to speak to Seb. 

"Are you two..." I point between her and our circle's new member.

"What?! No, of course not! We have a class together and I've seen him around. We're just friends." she defends but I catch the way she exaggerates it and the way Sam keeps stealing glances of her as we talk.

Hmpf, just friends my ass.

"Hey Turner." Speak of the Devil.

"Porter. If you have another lecture for me, save it."

Seb chuckles, "Dude do you really have to pull a Dr. Phil on everyone you meet?"

"Piss off Garcia. Last time I checked it was my pep talk that got you to stop being a pussy and finally ask out the gorgeous girl in your arms."

Seb's mouth slams closed and Sophia stops giggling for long enough to kiss his cheek before laughing once more at his sour expression.

"Anywayyy, not it's not a lecture Lexi. There's a girl upstairs in pretty rough shape and I asked if she knew anyone here. She said she takes History so I was hoping you'd know her and she'd be more comfortable with you. Doesn't look good if I carry a drunk girl into a room."

As much as I don't want to help him, he's right that that wouldn't look good for him and I don't like the thought of a girl being left in a vulnerable position in the middle of a party teeming with dumb jocks.

"Wait how do you know I take History?" I ask, the thought suddenly coming to me.

Sam chuckles, clearly amused by my confusion, "I minor in History Turner. I saw your name on an email before the Professor put up the slideshow."

I set myself a mental reminder to talk to Professor Lipman about data protection. This is why dinosaurs shouldn't be given computers. 

"Fine. But I'm doing it for her, not for you" I grumble.

"Of course." He agrees but I sense the sarcasm in his tone.

"Want me to come with?" Nick asks. His speech alerts Sam to his existence and he doesn't seem all that happy about it. Maybe it's just more of the pathetic hockey player vs figure skater thing.

"I'll be ok" I reply with a warm smile, "See you at practice"

"See you" he replies with a respectful nod and I begin to follow Sam out of the room.

"How come Stoney gets a beaming smile from you and I don't?" Sam asked, acting as though my coldness towards him is insulting.

"Stoney doesn't yell at me in parking lots." I reply, with a sickly sweet smile that is the opposite of the kind one I gave to Nick.

"Woah woah wait a second, I didn't yell." he defends.

"You may as well have." I scoff as we reach the top of the stairs.

"She's in the room at the end of the hall, far left. I'm going to grab some towels from a girl I know here and then I'll join you. Last time I checked she was hugging the toilet."

"Delightful. Can't wait to meet her." I reply sarcastically. I ignore Sam's chuckles as I make my way towards the room he pointed out.

There's no one in there when I walk in. The bed's made pristinely and boyband posters cover the walls, separated every so often by cheesy 'live, laugh, love' quotes. Yup. Definitely a sorority. 

I knock on the bathroom door before entering but hear nothing, "Hey, um Sam said you might need some help and I-"

The bathroom is completely empty and perfectly tidy when I walk in. Weird. 

Then I realise Sam must have gotten confused and told me the wrong room. 

"Anthony put your tiny cock away and let's go."

My back straightens and my muscles go rigid at the crude remark made by a voice I know all too well. Maybe if I close the bathroom door he won't notice me.

"I swear I will -"

The abrupt end to his speech tells me that that plan is down the drain as quickly as I thought of it.

"Wow. I didn't expect much from you Turner but fucking my friends is lower than I thought you had the guts to go."

I scoff, turning to face him, "And carving 'bitch' into my skates was more unoriginal than I thought your standards allowed for but look what happened."

"I got what I wanted from it either way." He replied nonchalantly, crossing