A part of me feels as though I was better off in the dark. Somehow there were less monsters there.

It's been a week since everything blew up in my face.

A week since I drove Lexi home.

And a week since we last spoke to each other.

*Last Week*

"How is it possible I feel less certain about where we stand now than I did the last time you drove me home, after we made our first deal at the river?" Lexi says, looking out the windshield and breaking the tense silence that had settled over us since we'd started driving.

She's right. I hate that she's right. But she is. 

I have no idea where this leaves us now.

Kissing her today after everything I've learnt was probably not the smartest choice. Not because I regret it. It just feels like I stepped off a ledge, committing to whatever it was we started last night before I've even understood it.

It's confused an already mind-bendingly complicated situation.

"Mason?" Lexi prompts and I realise I'd completely ignored her question, too pre-occupied with my own inner turmoil.

"Sorry" I reply pathetically.

"There's nothing for you to apologise for," she replies.

"That's new." I reply with a small huffed laugh and I catch Lexi's grin out the corner of my eye, "I just don't know the right thing to say Lex" I confess.

She sighs, "That's what I was afraid of. Well, one of many things."

"What is?"

Lexi twisted in her seat to face me and I turned my head to look at her too. The purple shade of her cheekbone surrounding the small cut my paper stiches from last night sat across acted as a pick to the semi-stable lock I had on my anger. Seeing her hurt had affected me more than I'd thought it would, a fact that was playing heavy on my mind. 

The real kicker though? I now have a crystal clear confession about the low life who did it and there's shit all I can do about it. I was right outside his house and couldn't get to him.

Why you ask? Because the girl in my passenger seat begged me not to and I'll apparently cave to her every wish just as easily now as I did as kids when she'd not so subtely complain she never got a Twix in her lunch, so I'd give her half of mine.

I try everyday to be better than my sperm-donor was. That's not to say I'm always great at controlling my anger - I just hit walls or mirrors instead of people. But seeing Lexi's face and knowing the similar, much bigger marks, that cover her body underneath the hoodie makes me seriously consider taking a leaf out of bio-dad's book.

"I was afraid-" Lexi starts, dragging me  out my thoughts once more, "That you wouldn't know what to say to me, maybe even not know how to be near me."

"I thought you were only going to tell me because I harassed you into it? Why would you worry about me staying away from you?"

She smiles timidly, "I've worried about you hating me for this ever since I gave my statement to the police. Even when I was pissed at you for how you were treating me, I still worried. But now..."

Lexi trails off and I sense she's scared of how I'll react to what she wants to say. So I tell myself to keep a lid on my reaction because I refuse for her to get out this car not having told me.

"Now?" I prompt.

She sighs and looks out the front window again, her bruise, thankfully, disappearing from my sight. Not that she's any less beautiful with it. It's just the mottled patch of skin is playing havock with my self-control.

"Now I'm more afraid than before..." She turns back to face me, "Because I have something to lose again."

I hold her gaze as I let her admission that she's scared to lose me sink in. I come to terms with the fact, as I digest the words, that I'm just as scared to lose her.

"I'm not going anywhere." I promise her suddenly, making her blink in disbelief at my bold statement.

"Don't do that. You can't promise me that." She replies, shaking her head.

"Why not?" 

"Because I took a sledgehammer to your past today. You can't promise you'll stick around because you could process it all and decide you hate me or that I'm just too big a reminder of it all."

I reach out and wrap my hand around hers, my touch bringing an end to her nervous rambling.

"Breathe Lexi." I say in comfort.

She takes a deep breath, following it with a nod to let me know she's okay.

"First off, I don't hate you." I start, "I tried to hate you - I tried very fucking hard - and I failed miserably."

A small smile that warms my chest tilts her lips, but I can't let myself get caught up in it. There was some truth to Lexi's fears and I know I'm about to wipe away the smile I just gained from her.

"So no, I don't hate you and I'm not going to disappear again." I squeeze her hand reassuringly, a gesture she returns, "But I do think I need some time."

Her posture sinks fractionally and I see how dejected she becomes, like a switch was flicked.

"You need time away from me." She deduces.

I sigh, "Not because I blame you or can't look at you or something equally as dramatic. I just think I need to process everything properly and I don't know how to do that but I don't want to hurt you in the process. You don't need to relive it all again while I find a way to figure out where I go from here - how I feel about it all."

"I never stopped living it Mason." Lexi sighs.

A fist grips tightly around my heart at her words. For her, the pages of the notebook are her present as much as her past. 

But she's found her way to cope, to come to a understanding of it... I need to find a way to do this same.

Lexi leans forward and softly kisses my cheek, pulling back and squeezing my hand as she looks as me with glassy eyes.

"It's okay." she says to me softly, "I'll be here when you're ready, however long it takes." she finishes, shrugging her shoulders as if I'm not twisting a knife in her chest by asking for space.

I have nothing left to say because I don't know how to make these easier. I don't know how to define what Lexi and I are to each other anymore but it's clear we care for each other and I hate that this is where we've ended up.

So I do the only thing I can think will give her something more than my words to hold onto, "Deal?" I ask her, leaning so close I can feel her breath on my face.

She smiles as single tears fall from her eyes when she blinks, "Deal" Lexi replies.

I close the small gap between her, gently placing my lips on hers. It's not a desperate kiss like the one at the lake. It's not all-encompassing like last night's was. It's gentle and short, sealing our deal with the promise of its continuation.

"See you around Wipeout." Lexi whispers after we've pulled away.

"You too Princess Annika." I reply, resting my forehead on hers.

*Present Day*

As it happens we've not seen each other 'around'.

The only time we crossed paths was at joint practice on Wednesday and she was gone before my practice finished. We exchanged a smile and wave across the ice but not even a 'hello'.

Not because we were rude to each other. Lexi just respected the space I asked for and I tried to keep things uncomplicated by not approaching her.

My housemates are more than a little curious about what's going on and I've heard through Sam that Lexi's been just as radio silent with the girls about where we stand. It's better like this because we'd only be telling them ifs and maybes seeing as even we don't know where this has left us.

And I'm not getting anymore certain. 

I thought I would with time apart because I'd be able to look at everything objectively, take the emotion out of it and then deal with each of them singularly. But it's impossible to remove the emotion from something like this - a situation that was built on parts love and hate.

"You coming Cap?" Anthony calls out as he and the guys walk into the kitchen.

"Nah." I say, looking back down at the assignment open on my laptop that I've been staring at for over an hour now.

"Come on Mase, you bail on everything lately." Seb groans, throwing a grape in the air and catching it in his mouth.

"Some of us have scholarships to keep Sebastian." I reply gesturing to my laptop,  "Not all of us have Daddy's money to keep us here." I snap and the atmosphere plummets.

"Woahhh" Anthony dramatically remarks.

"Where the fuck did that come from?" Seb snaps back, "And last time I checked, the entire house benefits from my Dad's bank account. Or did you forget you live here for free?"

I chuckle and stand, shutting my laptop and picking it up. I stop next to him before exiting the room.

"No I didn't forget. But thank you so much for reminding me what a charity case I am to you rich folk." I salute him as I leave the room, ignoring that chatter that follows me as I leave, returning to my room and laying back on my bed.

I've done that a lot the past few days - snap at them, on and off the rink. I leave the room when they enter or I go on a run that lasts longer than usual when I know they're all home.

"You're pushing us away."

Well would you look at that, my conscience speaks. His name you ask? Oh his name is Sam and he's very loud lately.

"Could you depart your daily dose of wisdom on me and leave please?" I groan.

"Will you listen to it if I do?" He asks.

"I'll listen." I sit up and look at him leaning on my door frame, "I'm definitely going to ignore it but I'll listen anyway. Not like I've got something better to do."

"And whose fault is that?" Sam quips.

"Mine? Is it mine? Did I mention it's probably mine?" I reply mockingly.

Sam snorts but I can tell he's not totally amused by my making light of it.

Consider me president of the club for the use of  humor and sarcasm as an unwelcome defence.

"You know they wouldn't think you were such a massive asshole if you gave them just a little explanation about what happened last week." he points out.

"I didn't care before if they thought I was an asshole, why would I care now?" I return.

"You care Mason. The only person you're lying to by saying you don't is yourself. Hugo? Now he truly doesn't give a fuck, in fact I'm pretty sure he dislikes everyone the majority of the time. You however, may fall into the asshole club but you're bothered by the fact you belong there and you know it."

"Why so certain I'm not just a moody guy?" I quip.

"Oh you're a moody guy. But if you didn't care what people thought of you then you wouldn't be avoiding all of us and pretending last week didn't happen."

"I'm not pretending anything." I snap.

"You are in front of everyone else." He affirms. Sam sighs and comes to sit next to me on the bed, "Talk to me."

"I don't need a therapy session Sam." I groan.

"You're not eating properly, you're working out more often than is healthy, you've skipped classes and the ones you do attend you're checked out of, at practice you're a machine barking commands and making snappy plays and my room is on this floor with yours Mason - I know you're not sleeping. I'd say you're in dire need of a heart to heart."

Everything he said was on the money for an account of my shitty mental state right now but it gets under my skin how brash he is in pointing it out.

"I'm not some fucking case study Sam. Stop analysing me." I snap, standing up from my bed sharply.

"If you didn't shut me out then I wouldn't have to keep tabs on you to make sure you're not drinking yourself into an early grave." He rebuts, standing up to face me.

"Why? Because my father was an alcoholic so now I know how truly twisted my childhood was I'm surely going to go the same way?" I yell.

"Jesus Christ Mason, do you not see how messed up saying shit like that is?"

"No more messed up that the rest of my life." I counter.

"You need to talk to someone about it. You pushed Lexi away the first chance you got, you're pushing all of us to the side too. You don't have to go through this on your own!"

"SHE DID!" I shout in his face, "Lexi went through everything on her own. How pathetic does that make me that I can't even function properly for a week while figuring out the shit she's been dealing with for years?! She was a fucking child Sam."

My chest is heaving when I'm finished yelling and the room falls silent.

"So were you." Sam says quietly to me, "But you still feel guilty about it anyway. That's why you've pushed her away right? You feel responsible."

I grind my teeth and look away from him, "Get out." I bite out.

"Mason I-"

"I said get out Sam! GO! I don't need you to coddle me or give me some bullshit about how it's going to be okay. Alright?! None of this is okay. Just go and fawn over the girl you're still obsessed with even after she's friend-zoned you. God knows she'll enjoy your attention a hell of a lot more than I do."

Sam's jaw ticks and he walks up to me, getting in my face, "You're struggling. I get it and I'm sorry you had a shitty childhood but in case you haven't realised, you're not some puppet the fates are enjoying fucking with. Everyone has their own mess to deal with. Start dealing with yours instead of shoving it to the side because I am tired of trying to clean it up for you." He huffs out a laugh and shakes his head, "Congratulations Mason. You've succeeded in pushing everyone away. I officially give up."

He storms out my room, slamming the door behind him. I pick up the empty glass on my desk and launch it across the room so that it smashes against the back of the door.

The problem with Sam and I is he's a fixer and I don't like to be fixed. I know he means well and everything he does comes for a good place but it often makes me feel worse when he lays my problems out, picking at holes in my stories or vocalising his profound realisations about my behavior.

Like the fact I feel suffocated by the guilt for what Lexi's endured for the past 8 years. It was my mother who locked us in the shed. It was my father who had beat me and made my mother too unstable to be a parent. It was my memory loss that gave me a warped perspective on what Lexi did for me when she was merely a scared child herself. And it was the fact that all of this led to us being separated so I was miles away in a crappy foster home while she fought off her step-dad. Yeah sure I wasn't treated well by the system, but people knew that. People understand the way I behave because of it.

Who's there to understand her? Who's there to relate to how she feels?

I suppose it's meant to be me.

But even I can't understand everything she's suffered through and even if I could, she deserves better than someone who either shuts down or becomes insatiable for revenge when they learn about it.

I'm not strong enough to be that person for her.

I can't even be strong enough for myself.

~~~~~

I wake up, sweating and panting for breath.

It's dark outside now but I'm still in the sweatpants and white shirt I wore all day. I don't even remember falling asleep but I'm not surprise this is how I woke up.

As Sam not so delicately pointed out, waking up in this kind of state has been a regular occurrence lately.

I don't know what I dream about most nights but when I do it's always the same. Lexi locked in the stone-shed, behind a door and brick walls I can't get through. Just as I pry the door open enough to see her, she screams as her step-father throws her to the floor and smirks at me.

Then I wake up, yelling for an imaginary Lexi destined to suffer repeatedly in my subconscious in ways that most likely don't have anything on what she really went through.

I push myself off my bed, the covers a mess I don't have any will to deal with. I walk into the bathroom that adjoins to my room and turn the cold tap of the shower on. I slip down the wall until I reach the floor, resting my elbows on my knees and putting my head in my hands.

The tears fall freely, mingling with the water droplets that are running over me.

God you're pathetic. Crying over a dream while the girl who endured your imaginations puts on a brave face daily instead of sitting in the shower for a pity party she's actually earnt.

"Mason?"

"Shut up." I mumble, the Lexi in my mind still tormenting me.

"Mason? Where are you?"

"Go away." I yell, hitting my head against the way to punctuate each time I repeat it. "Go away. Go away."

I hear a soft gasp followed by an uncertain voice, "Mason?"

"Leave me alone. Please... please... just leave." I mumble tearfully, my eyes closed as I try to block it out.

Several moments of silence pass until a soft hand grazes my left cheek.

My eyes snap open and I instinctively grab the wrist of the person. I see Lexi wince but she doesn't say anything. Instead she places her other hand on my arm, gently stroking it. Her skin is much warmer than mine, something she notices quickly.

"You're freezing." She remarks.

"Ironic, no?" I say on a pathetic chuckle.

She looks between my eyes with a frown, "What's going on Mason?"

"Nothing." I reply, forcing a small smile onto my face.

"Tell that to your red eyes and the fact you're sat in a cold shower fully clothed." She says, quirking an eyebrow as if challenging me to lie better next time.

I sigh, "Did Sam call you?" 

"No." she replies, "Hugo did."

"Hugo?" I repeat, pretty sure I misheard her.

"Yup. It seems the tinman does in fact have a heart."

"But why would-"

Lexi gently shakes her head, "He heard you and Sam fight. Seems you really did a number on your friends this time. They're not big fans of yours right now."

"Perfect." I mumble, letting my head fall back to the shower wall again as I release Lexi's wrist.

"You should've called me."

I tilt my head to look at her, "No I shouldn't have. You shouldn't even be here now."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not even close to seeing the bright side of this whole thing." I reply sadly.

"Do you wish I hadn't told you?" she asks and I can hear how nervous she is to hear my answer.

I shake my head, "No. I needed to know. I just don't know how to... do this. How to carry on like it's totally normal."

"That makes two of us then." Lexi chuckles dryly.

"It's different." I counter, "You didn't do anything wrong."

Lexi frowns, "Neither did you."

I shake my head, knowing I couldn't explain it in a way she'd understand.

"If you're going to tell me you think you're somehow to blame for what happened... then you didn't listen to a thing I said last week." Lexi replies, her voice angrier than I expected.

"I didn't say anything."

"But you're thinking it