Tao's POV

I wake up to the soft brushing of fingertips over my face.

Looking into the kind eyes of my boyfriend, I wonder why he's still here.

No one's ever stayed before.

Yet, as he traces soft circles into my bare back and kisses my forehead gently, I realise he's not just anyone.

He's Matthias Ayre.
Stormy blue.
The person I lov-
No. No I don't.

I shake that thought out of my cluttered mind; there is no point in thinking that yet.

It's too soon,
Too soon,
Soon...
I'll tell him soon.

As for now-

"Are you feeling better baby?"

"Yeah, I'm okay" I whisper back, snuggling further into his masculine oakwood scent.

There's a comfortable silence for a while; my brain questions the possibility of telling him-telling him what happened.

My steady breathing begins to falter.

"T-thais...Matthias" I call out quietly.

"Yes sweetheart?" He tucks a stray hair behind my ears, causing the skin to tingle.

"I got a phone call...from my mother"

[...]

And suddenly it's like I've been transported back in time, my eyes tear up- I'm sitting in my dad's red truck. The textured seat is soothing against the irritated skin of my fingertips.

"Nelly?" I hear a familiar voice call for my attention.

And there he is.
My idol,
My saviour,
My dad.

He was the only one that knew, for so long.

I told him, on the night of my 13th birthday, that I liked this boy in my class. A boy! I remember being so scared, but he just smiled at me; ruffled my hair and said,

"What does it matter Nelly? You fancy boys; I fancy your mum, it's all the same."

And here he is, fiddling with the radio; like he always did.

He's smiling, he's singing,
Then there's a man in the road,
And we're crashing,
With me screaming-
Crying, begging, clutching,
at my seatbelt.

There's so much blood,
He's gasping for air;
I hear the sirens,
Feel the men pulling me out,
And all the while I'm yelling,
"I want my dad- save him, please"

I yell until I can't anymore and the world goes dark beneath my trembling eyelids.

[...]

"They said the man was trying to commit suicide...he ran infront of our car so fast and-" I can't breathe properly, "and my dad didn't want to hit him so he swerved and we f-fell and-"

[...]

I open my eyes again.

"Tao! Stop- just stop please!"

I look down and see the mess I had made with the paint.

RED AND BLACK- CRASH
RED AND BLACK- BANG
RED AND BLACK- NO
RED AND BLACK- DAD!

His blood. His truck. The man. His screams.

I've made a mess of mummy's carpet. My hands itch, wanting to clean the red off of the pristine white.

"I-I know, you can't help it. B-but I've been researching and I think I know what can help. It's this method. Whenever something bad happens, count for me; can you do that sweetheart?"

I look into the teary eyes of my mummy and I nod my head.

One two three four
That's how many people
Used to be
I'm my loving family.

Now there's just three,
And I can't see
The positive aspects
Of life at all.

[...]

"Mother got mad more and more often. She took me to therapy,
s-she got annoyed so quickly...the counting got worse and worse and I couldn't stop it!"

I don't look at Matthias, afraid of what he's thinking. He's been so quiet.

It's my fault, it's all my fault-

One two three four,
Now he knows my tale.
Will all my attempts, to be perfect,
Boil down to one big fail?

But I look,
At his dreamy blue eyes and-
One two three four,
There's no slamming of the door.

He's staying.

And for once in my life,
I feel a little less messed up inside.
I feel almost...perfect,
Instead of someone to hide.

He says, "I'm so proud of you"
And my stomach starts to tingle.
With our hands intertwined,
We fall asleep together.