Need U Bad

Aye baby weh you ah deal with?

Me make one lil mistake and you wan done us?

I watched with glassy eyes as he turned around to grab his bag from the door. "Is it aight if I take the couch? I don't think I could leave now." He pointed at the open window.

I tried to form the words with my mouth and my hand motions showed that I was struggling with my speech. "Um no...there's a guest room down the hall and another one upstairs. You can take one of them." It was becoming difficult to breathe.

"Aight..." he said and walked out of my view and down the hall to the guest room. As soon as I heard the click of the door, I dashed up the creaky staircase to my bedroom.

My back slid down the door and my hand locked itself over my mouth.

I knew that if I removed it the screams from my crying would escape.

Tears streamed out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks in a race to drip off my face. The pressure on my chest continued to stack up as I struggled to get my breathing under control.

Soon, I ended up laying on my back on the floor next to the door, just staring up at the ceiling.  

All of this was my fault.

Point...blank...period.

The dark room engulfed me, the only light that illuminated the room were the flashes of lightening coming from outside. I listened to the sounds of the heavy rain beat on the roof and on the ground, until it felt like it was raining on me.

I opened my eyes and wiped a water droplet off my forehead, before another one hit me, and another after that.

A small pool formed from the leaking roof and with shaky legs, I got the empty trash can from my bathroom and placed it there.

I heard the another dripping sound coming from the other side of the space, where my mother's vintage vanity was located. I promptly tried to drag the heavy piece of furniture away from the forming puddle before it was ruined.
In the process, I caused some of its items to fall from behind it. I placed another garbage can there to collect water and knelt down to pick up the miscellaneous pieces.

Some hair pins, a brush, my favorite perfume, Lilo's old pacifier, a toy, and...

My eye caught a collection of small envelopes wrapped in purple ribbon. I'd never seen them before. They must've been hidden behind the vanity for all this time.

I wiped the dust from the top of the first one and ignored the mess on the floor, to sit on my bed. I powered the lamp on my nightstand and carefully untied the satin ribbon. The handwriting was so fine, letters written in neat cursive.

I knew exactly who's it was and they all had similar titles on them,

"To Laya on her 21st"
"For Laya when she starts dating."
"To Laya when she graduates college"
"For Laya when she's found the one"

There were others too, that focused on more life events such as marriage and children. But the fourth one really caught my attention.

I can't believe she left these for me and I never found them. The day she died, she was trying to tell me to get something from the vanity, but her voice was so quiet that I couldn't make out what she said.

But this is what she meant. It was kind of funny that she still managed to be here for me when I needed her the most.

I opened it up and immediately started laughing through my tears at the first line.

"Dear Laya,

Look who say dey (they) have man now aye??"

I read the entire thing in her accent and could picture her looking at me with a smirk.

"Hopefully, he's handsome and intelligent and doesn't tek you fi eediat (idiot). Cause ya mudda (mother) never raised no eediat, therefore he can't take you for something you are not."

I continued to laugh quietly and wiped the corner of my eyes. It was such a bittersweet moment.

"If you're reading this, it means that you both are probably pretty serious...and are moving forward with the next stage in your relationship. I'm laughing as I write this, because I just remembered the time when I asked you if you were ever going to start dating. And not so much to my surprise, your response was, 'Maybe after I make my first million, besides mommy men are dogs.'

I was so angry with myself after you said that. At the time I didn't know why, but now, I think it's because I knew that my relationship with your father drastically affected the way you viewed love. Laya baby, love is a beautiful thing. I'm so glad that you found it, hold onto it because you deserve it. Trust me, you deserve every happiness that life has to offer. You'll know that the love is real when you can't imagine any aspect of your life without that person's presence. Love will humble you...bring you to your knees and force you to dash away with your strong pride. Honestly, I think that's exactly what you need.

Here are some things that I hope you remember about growing your relationship; forgiveness does not come easy but it is worth it; don't run from what scares you - I did not raise a coward either; and no one is perfect, that's what makes life fun.

Love you forever and always,
Mommy

(P.S. Don't mess with Aquarius men, cause ya daddy is an Aquarius and them set will fuck you up for life!)"

The ending forced more tears from my eyes and I laughed at her remark. She was always into horoscopes and for her to say that in a distant letter, seemed to make it even more real.

I positioned myself to lay down on my bed and tried to read the rest of them. But my eyes became so heavy that sleep overcame me.

Later, I woke up in a panic when a loud boom shook the entire house and startled me. At the same time, the power went out and left the entire room in darkness.

"What the hell was that?" I exclaimed out loud and picked up my phone to check the time. I basically took a death nap for eight hours and it was now two in the morning.

Then, I used the phone's flashlight to help me slip on the gray hoodie that hung behind my door and raced downstairs to figure out what was happening.

Dave was right behind me, as he emerged from the guest room with sleepiness marred in his eyes.

"You heard that shit too?" He asked while zipping up his own jacket.

I didn't respond, but I reached into a bottom cabinet in the kitchen and took out the box of lanterns and candles I reserved for times like this.

After lighting a few of them, I pried open the back door and braced myself for the gust of wind, rain, and saltwater that hit my face.

Suddenly, I felt the smooth rubbing of fur against my calves as Stitch ran past me and squeezed out the door.

"Shit! Stitch come back. Come here!" I called out to him but I couldn't see past the dark rain.

I ventured further onto my patio, in the middle of the hurricane and above my line of sight sparks flew from the power line as a coconut tree rested on top of its bent wires.

Feeling Dave at my back, I spun around and spoke to him clearly.

"The line is down! That's what caused the loud sound and that's why the electricity is off." I yelled over the sound of the weather.

He responded as soon as I finished, tightening the chord around the hood of his rain coat.

"Ain't nothing we could do 'bout that. Let's go inside...this shit is dangerous Laya!"

He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the open back door, but I twisted my wrist from his hold and turned around in the direction of the wall that separated my yard from the beach.

Even through the darkness and rain, I could still manage to see the untamed sea spilling over it and into my  yard, flooding it with every hit.

I bravely marched away from the house, in search of my dog, while Dave shouted my name in the background.

My hand fondled the front pocket of my hoodie for my phone. When I finally, got it out and managed to turn on its flashlight a strong hold seized me by my waist.

I didn't can have time to react. Dave hoisted my body over his shoulder and jogged the distance back up to the house.

"Wait...wait. Dave please put me down. I need to get my dog." I struggled against him but when his hold didn't budge, I resorted to screaming.

"STITCH...COME INSIDE STITCH. INSIDE NOW!" I called out in the direction of the darkness.

He was making a bigger deal of this than it needed to be. Island people always went outside during hurricanes, of course it was usually when the calmest part of the storm was passing, but nonetheless, I was going to find my damn dog.

When he finally did, I maneuvered myself to jog back down when a flash of light appeared, followed by the sound of breaking wood.

I felt my body being dragged back once again, as Dave gripped me forcefully by the back of my hoodie, just in time as the coconut tree broke the powerline's wires and fell just a few feet from where I was standing. It's electrical wires still sparking and waving in the dark wind.

Dave finally released me fully when we were back inside with the door closed and sealed. I hunched my body over with my hands on my knees, to gasp for air.

"What the fuck is wrong witchu'? You out there tryna..." Dave leaned against my counter panting heavily himself. "...tryna be a fuckin' hurricane hunter, a goddamn dog catcher, whatever the fuck it is and you almost lost to damn life over a dog bro?!"

I looked up at him and almost started to explain, then Stitch with his drenched coat and wagging tail came straight up to me.

"Stitch! How did you get inside baby? Huh?" I petted him eagerly. "Don't you ever do some shit like that again."I scolded.

"No don't you EVER do some shit like that again." Dave snapped at me. "If yo' ass knew how to listen, you would've known that he came back inside when you turned around." He picked up a lantern and opened my fridge.

I was presented with another perfect portrayal of me not listening to him and trying to do things my own way, even when I didn't need to.

He pulled open the stainless steel doors and after scanning the bare shelves for no more than five seconds, he closed them shut, then turned to me.

"You ain't got nothin' to eat. How long this thing supposed to last again? Cause if we don't die from you tryna kill us, we surely gon' starve to death." He looked at me with annoyance behind his eyes.

It was evident that he didn't want to speak to me or even be around me.

Let's be real, I was stuck in an awkward confined space with a man who'd told me that he no longer wanted a relationship with me, so what more should I expect?

But I still persisted in trying to talk to him like we didn't have an intense life-changing argument just hours before.

"What do you mean, there's plenty of food in here." I used my hip to push him out the way and searched the fridge myself.

"See we got..." My voice trailed off and I tried to come up with an answer.

As it turns out, I forgot to go to the store, knowing that I cleaned out most of its contents before I moved to NY.

"Got what?" He challenged with folded arms.

"We got some water." I pulled out a half empty gallon bottle.

"It's probably stale." He remarked.

"We got condiments, some wine, I've got some cheese." That was literally about it. I opened the freezer drawer and looked there instead. "Ha! See there's  popsicles, frozen  pizza, some dino nuggets, pretty sure that's some cookie dough that I permade." I looked up to see him peeking over my shoulder.

"Allaya..." Dave moved from behind me and next to the stainless steel stove that was pushed against the wall.

"That's an electric burner and I know damn well that's and electric oven." He pointed at the appliance. "And guess what you don't have?" his upper lip twitched with the arrival of his infamous "I know it all" smirk.

"Electricity." I finished before he could shame me even more.

Dave shook his head and took one of the lamps off of the kitchen island, then went back into the guest room without another word.

A flash of lightening struck just as he closed the door.

I wish I knew how to fix this.

Shiiit, I wish I had a damn time machine, so that I could slap the fuck outta the old Laya.

Her dumbidy dumb dumbass.

There's some truth to the old adage, you never miss the water until the well runs dry.

I dragged a bar stool to the counter and used it to search my high cabinets for anything edible.
Fortunately, I managed to find some spaghetti-o's and chicken noodle soup.

I moved around a few cans of tuna and found a box of crackers and some cans of ginger ale way in the back.

After grabbing what I needed, I rifled through the kitchen drawer to find a lighter and used it to ignite the arena of candles I laid out in front of me.

Then I found a pot, and balanced it ontop of three candles that I pushed together.

Hopefully, they would generate enough heat to warm up the canned chicken noodle soup without causing a fire.

I emptied it's slimy contents into the pot, then slowly stirred it around for fifteen long minutes until it was heated through.

When it was done, I plated it into two bowls, spread a sleeve of Ritz crackers onto a plate, and poured the hot ginger ale into two glasses filled with ice which had not yet melted from the freezer. Then, I brought them all over to the coffee table in my living room.

I took a deep breathe as I raised a hand to knock on the guest bedroom door.

Shoots it was my house. So I should just bust this bitch right open...but what good would that do?

I knocked twice before finally speaking up, "Dave...I made some food if you're hungry. It's out here on the table. I'd eat it before it's get cold." I spoke softly.

There was no sound from the other end side, so I turned away and folded my legs on the floor with my back against my couch, as I ate salty ass soup on the coffee table.

I wished I charged my phone while I was sleeping. Maybe I would've been able to reach my grandmother or Bri, to talk to them or I could've watched old videos of Lilo.

They were always entertaining.

God knows I had about a hundred of them saved. All of them showing the little things that she did or monumental moments in her development.

I wondered what she was up to now.

Placing, a crumbly cracker in my mouth I bit down and relished its taste. I don't even know why I had these in my cupboard.

A clicking sound broke the noise barrier, as Dave emerged from the hallway and sat opposite me on the floor.

I had the sudden urge to vomit out words in order to make the atmosphere less awkward. But I clamped my mouth shut and focused on eating my food.

This didn't last long though.

"Um...I noticed you looking at the pictures of Lilo in the wall when you came in." He looked up briefly then wiped his mouth.

"Well I thought that I'd give you this..." I reached under the table for a matte black photo album with Lilo's name scrolled in gold leaf. "This has all of those picture in there and more. It's yours to keep." I gently nudged it over to him.

"Preciate it" he muttered as he finished eating.

It was my hope that he'd open it right here, and maybe we could bond over the moments that he missed. Then that would get us talking, and maybe he would soften up and...

God, I was trying to manipulate him.

So many things danced around my head. My palms became damp as I gripped my spoon and played with the now cold soup.

I knew for a fact that a simple, I'm sorry wasn't going to cut it.

Even if I did find the right words, a part of me needed to accept the possibility that this was it.

The end of an era, the end of us.

Once we were both done, I stacked the dishes together to wash them. But he stopped me to do it himself.

"I've got it." I tried to reassure him but he had already gotten up. "I don't want you to leave." The words finally came out of my mouth, with a bit more force that I intended.

Were they the right ones? Who the hell knew anymore.

"So I can't go in the kitchen?" He mugged me.

"I meant that I don't want you to leave...us. At least not like this."

He smacked his teeth and when I thought he'd turn away, Dave placed the dishes down and sat on the far end of the sofa next to me.

I was quiet for a while, playing with my fingers again.

"You said that you weren't going to continue to do this and I honestly can't say that I blame you. I keep running different scenarios in my head about my life a year, five years, ten years from now and all of them include you. How fucked up is that?" I laughed facetiously.

I could only imagine the look on his face. "No forreal Dave...think about it with me. I'm literally head over heels, tripped up over the first nigga I ever had sex with and I can't imagine moving on."

The words that I'd normally write in my journal were now being spoken out loud.

"Me....Allaya Laylani Samira Daniels with my tall pride, thick ass ego and tough independence doesn't know how to live life without you."

"Allaya...I swear on my kids, that if you 'bout to start another fight, I'm gon put yo' ass out of yo' own house." he warned.

"No...I'm not" I sniffled. "That's me thinking out loud, trying not to go insane while stuck in an enclosed space with you and no where to run because there's a goddamn flood outside."

"Crazy ass." He muttered.

I laughed a small bit and then suddenly stopped.

Then, like a sinner in a confession booth, I admitted my wrongs.

"You're right...not only about the crazy part. But, I take a lot of shit for granted, you especially. Every time something goes down and I want to run and hide and ignore you, I forget about all the times that you were honest with me, protected me, made me laugh and loved me. I put myself in situations and then blamed you for their outcome." I whispered