Be Strong

I try to do right, but everything I do seems to go wrong

My pulse pounded in my ear, while my eyes remained peeled open within the darkness of my room. I rolled over and tucked the crisp white sheet under my arm to view the neon green numbers from my alarm clock.

4:23 am.

Not a wink  of sleep since I crawled into bed at midnight. Between the loud ass crickets and my even louder thoughts, my brain was working overtime.

What if I did leave?

Did I trust my employees enough to hold things down? I wouldn't be gone completely, I could manage the logistics and admin work from a remote location and do bimonthly visits. It wouldn't be the same though - as walking around, touching things, and talking to people.

Lilo was already use to this lifestyle too, a little raggamuffin at heart. The beach was her favorite place to go, a stray dog was her bestie, and her favorite food were the mangoes that grew in her Gigi's backyard.

It was rather difficult to process anything. Torn between being a good mother and remaining true to myself.

Sitting up, I placed my face in my hands and held it there. Angry stinging tears formed in my eyes, I refused to release them. I didn't even know who I was angry at. It shouldn't be Dave, he had a right to be upset.

Still though.

That didn't excuse how he talked to me. Ordering me around, telling me what to do with my life.

No one - man or woman, would ever dictate what I built.

I got up slowly and stretched my back. Then slipped on my robe over my pajama shorts and tank top, to go check on Lilo. She slept peacefully, surrounded by the white crochet blanket that her Gigi made, and protected by her best friend who snored loudly on the floor.

Looking down at her, I smiled. She would always come first. I'd giver her the moon and the stars if she asked for them. I can't believe I never wanted kids, now I couldn't imagine my life without her.

My lips touched her warm forehead briefly, then I left her to rest.

I turned on the hallway lights downstairs and opened up my back door to sit on the patio. Almost immediately the warm, salty air surrounded my face while the inky sky littered with thousands of stars and the large crescent moon stared down at me.  Lilo and I spent a lot of nights out here. She was a night owl like me, and often times the only way to get her to sleep was to walk the beach with her in my arms.

I flipped my phone around in my hand, its screen showcasing Lilo's baby picture and a lone text from Nene telling me how much she appreciated me and that she hoped that Dave and I kissed and made up.

My bitter lips broke into a soft smile when I read it. I continued to debate my choice and I hoped his number was still the same. The nervous pit that formed deep within my abdomen brought me back to that night when I first tried to tell Dave about his daughter.

My head rested fully on my knees and I tucked the phone by my ear after pressing his number.

It only rang twice this time before he picked up.

"Fuck do you want Laya?" his groggy voice sputtered. The disgust in his words laced heavily around my name still managed to peer through even though he was sleepy.

"Lilo good?" His tone softened, it was way different than how he spoke to me earlier. The only response I could think of, were the words that I wished I said to him during our previous encounter.

"Shut up" I whispered.

Now why did I say that?

"What?" He asked in disbelief. "Laya you called me, woke me up out my fuckin' sleep to tell me shut up?"

"No, I woke you up to tell you to shut the fuck up and let me speak David." I commanded. For some reason I felt courageous, and now I was going to try once again to do the right thing - without being walked over. "I spent nine months pregnant...by myself. I gave birth to her, by myself. I've been her only parent for fifteen months...by...my...self and all of that was my decision."

I paused and tried to gather the rest of my thoughts. "It was a very...very selfish one, I admit but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. You are right, I could have tried harder to contact you. But the truth is, I didn't want to. When we broke up I wasn't in a good place and I damn sure wasn't about to expose myself to you again by letting you know I was pregnant. So, when you blocked me...I found that as my way out of never having to see you again. I used that as a crutch to keep her from you, then smiled in your face like shit was sweet...I toyed with your affection...and for that I am truly sorry Dave. It was cowardice and selfish but I hope that you could find it in your heart to forgive me."

His heavy breathing sounded over the speaker.  The man I knew didn't forgive easy nor did he forget but I'd pray that he could make an exception for me.

"I will not apologize however, for the life I created here, or my business, or my will to work while being a mother. The place where you're laying your head is something that I built...that's my business. My heart and soul went into that hotel because I was trying to cope, and I will not let you make it seem like my dreams aren't valid because I have a child." I raised my head from my knees and tried to annunciate each word without my bottom lip trembling.

He sucked his teeth, clearly frustrated with me. "Allaya I never-"

"Didn't I tell you to be quiet?" I snorted. If he was going to talk to me like a child, my words would now reciprocate his.

"Now Lilo needs her father, that's the only reason I am making this proposition." Sighing heavily, I continued. "I will move back to New York for fifteen months and fifteen months only, so that you may have the chance to get to know her. During that time I will work from an office space which YOU will provide and I will be visiting the hotel twice a month on YOUR expense. Afterwards she will be coming back with me and we will co-parent from there. Let me be clear David." I called him by his government name so that he knew no games were being played. "I don't want anything from you and I don't want anything with you. Lilo is the only thing we have to talk about and if it's not about her...I don't want to hear it. Until you learn to speak to me like you contain an iota of sense in your big ass head don't say shit to me." I couldn't resist the urge to return an insult to him.

"Whatever illegal fuckery you dabble in on the side...will not come anywhere near her or I will pack her up and bring her back home." I stated seriously.

"Am I clear?"

The line was silent. He was probably wondering who the fuck I was speaking too.

It's you boo, I'm talking to you.

"Huh...you really think I'd bring that shit around her? I'm not even in-" He deviated from my question with attitude.

"Am. I. Clear?" This Big Laya talking now, you gon answer me.

"Yes." he said through gritted teeth.

"Good. I need two weeks to get myself together down here, then I'll be in NYC. We can work out the details later today."

"Aight."

During these past few days, I've had to defend myself more than I've ever had to in my entire life. I hated being hostile towards people.

"Good. Now take your scummy ass to bed." I hung up abruptly.

I don't even know how I was scummy but now he was scummy too, so we were even.

Exhaling loudly, I blew the last bit of angry breath out of my lungs and thought about everything I just said. A wave of regret hit me, followed by another one filled with confusion. Maybe I should've just apologized and kept shit sweet.

Cause truth be told...

If I didn't love him, I'd be long gone.

/•/

"Yes Cara, I want reports everyday...."

"I've got it Allaya, I'm about to go to the staff meeting now." Cara responded. I could hear her four inch heels hitting the stone tiles of the resort. "I promise that I have everything under control. Would it make you feel better if I FaceTime you during the meetings?"

Even though we were talking over the phone, I could imagine her rolling her eyes at me.
I was a bit relieved that she felt so confident in her new role, for the next fifteen months she was going to be watching out for my second baby. I'd be going back next month for two days - just to check on everything. That place made me happy, it reminded me of my mother and her dreams. Like I could feel her presence around the entire property, I'd be destroyed if something happened to it.

"Yeah that would make me feel better." I admitted while hiking Lilo further onto my shoulder, as I walked from the crowded airport gate at JFK. I should've taken Dave up on his offer to fly us out privately 'cause this shit was ghetto.

Too many nasty ass people, coughing and sneezing without covering their mouths; snotty nose kids running around and screaming; and some woman arguing with a JetBlue hostess.

Plus I had to check Lilo's stroller at the gate and now the airline's dumbass couldn't find it. So, I was stuck holding my sleeping child and carrying both of our carryon bags.

Why do I make shit harder for myself?

"Allaya...are you there?"

"Yeah I'm here. Sorry I'm trying to get to baggage claim."

"Oh... I had asked if you needed anything else?"

"Can you also make sure Ryan picks up my dog.... Umm...?" Ryan was sweet enough to take Stitch for me. I couldn't subject him to city life, he was an island dog...forcing him to pee on concrete or listen to car horns all day would be torture. "And give my grandmother the spare key to my house, Drea has it in the office." I searched my brain for anything else that I was missing.

"Ohh! There's a shipment of supplies being delivered today for Maggie, let her know and make sure everything's set up for Jayda Cheaves' girl trip. It's like ten of them arriving tomorrow afternoon.

"Yup that's already on my list...anything else before you go...mom?" Cara taunted.

"Yeah try to be nice to everyone, so they don't call you a bitch."

She sucked het teeth and I laughed in return.

"Wait before you go." She stopped me before I hung up. "I just wanna thank you for trusting me with this, I promise I got this covered Laya. You take care of Lilo and I hope everything works out with you and her dad." She said genuinely.

It made me smile that she actually cared.

"Thank you Cara. Call me if you need anything. Bye."

After storing the device in my bag, I sighed at the scene in front of me.

Damn, JFK is really a shit show.

I walked slowly through all those people when I saw a tall figure, patiently waiting in his black suit and dark sunglasses. His bald head glistening in the airport light.

"Hi James!" I smiled and looked up at him. He looked so intimidating like he was the feds or sumn. But his adorable smile pushed that away.

"Ms. Daniels...it's been a long time." He side hugged me.

"I know, its so good to see you again and you still don't call me Laya." I teased.

"It's good to see you too Laya and who's that?" He smiled widely getting a good look at Lilo sleeping on my shoulder.

"This is Lilo." I turned around to show him. "Don't mind her now when she wakes up you'll see her in her true form." I laughed. He rubbed his large hand down her back and turned to face at me again. He looked like a proud dad.

"Man she's beautiful. Congratulations Lay" It was the first time ever, that he referred to me by that nickname. I had a pleasantly surprised look on my face as he reached for the bags on my other shoulder.

"Oh no I got these. But there are like four more suitcases on the carousel."

He didn't care though, he still removed them from me and placed them in his hands.

"No worries, those are already in the car. This way." He nodded.

I followed him out of the airport to a black Range Rover, parked in the curb. He opened my door for me and after storing the bags helped me strap Lilo into this complex fancy car seat that was already placed here. I was actually a bit relieved that he picked us up instead of Dave. I couldn't be alone with him in enclosed spaces for too long. As discussed in our last conversation, we didn't speak unless it had anything to do with our daughter. God knows the tense awkward silence would eat me alive.

Soon after, we were on the highway heading into the city.

From coconut trees to sky scrapers in the matter of two weeks. I thought I'd be pessimistic being back into the hustle of the city. But it was actually kind of refreshing to see it all again...where it all started.

Fifteen months here. It would be Lilo's first time seeing snow, going to Times Square, experiencing the magic of Harlem. I'd nearly forgotten that she'd be able to bond with Kairi. My baby had an angel for a sister, I couldn't wait to see them together.

What I didn't miss was this traffic though. We'd been caught in rush hour bumper to bumper traffic and James was about to lose his shit. I giggled quiet to myself as he stuck his bald head out of the window to shout expletives to other drivers, then pop back in to apologize to me and Lilo, who was surprisingly still knocked out since the flight.

About an hour later, we pulled under the parking garage of my old home. The penthouse that I lived in as Dave's assistant.

"My my my, look how far we've come." My conscience chided as I stared up at all of the floors

Rather reluctantly...on my part. Dave and I agreed that Lilo and I would stay here until he found us a good place. I assured him that money wasn't a problem and that I was more than capable of doing it myself, but he insisted on finding his daughter somewhere to live that fit his standards.

So, for the time being we would all be under one roof, a disaster waiting to happen. I could feel it.

"Ms. Daniels you know how to find you way up right? I'm going bring these up afterwards." James handed me the keycard and a small piece of paper with the new elevator code on it.

After unstrapping Lilo, I made my way up there while making a mental note to let Dave know that we were here.

I stepped out of the mirrored metal doors and surveyed the space. Everything was way different than how it was two years ago. What use to be a cozy comfy space was transformed into a cold luxury bachelor pad. You could barely tell that someone lived here, I was afraid to touch anything - out of fear that I would break it. My eyes glassed over the two gold and three platinum plaques hanging on the wall from some of Dave's music. It seemed like we both did incredibly well when we were apart. I ventured even further into the unfamiliar living room and ran my hand against the cream suede couch and then looked down at the the large wall to wall windows. In an instant, that view conjured up memories that filled my head of what use to be...the parties, movie nights, lazy days and a bunch of other sappy shit that no longer mattered.

My feet even attempted to walk to the west wing, where the master bedroom that he and I shared was located. But I quickly caught myself, and walked backwards before swiveling on my heels to turn the cold gold door handle that led to what was my old room. The hushed voices on the other side quickly gained my attention, so I carefully pushed the heavy wooden door open.

Two pairs of eyes looked back at me, before one of the owners exclaimed, "Welcome back Laya!" Dave's mom and sister sat on the couch in the attached living room, folding white towels.

"Oh honey look at you!" Maya hugged me tightly, which almost caused me to stumble backwards.

"Hi...", was all that I could manage to say with a little wave of my fingers.

I definitely wasn't expecting any kind of welcome.

"Oh my goodness is that my grandbaby?" Maya released and looked at the child on my shoulder.

"Yes ma'am it's is." I carefully and a bit hesitantly handed my baby to her. "I'd like you both to meet Lilo Brielle Brewster."

She adjusted her glasses on her face and beamed at the child in her arms. She still didn't look a day over forty. But now, her blonde hair was cut in a cute pixie style that complimented her caramel skin.

"Aww Ma look at her...she's so pretty." Danielle expressed.

"She's definitely gorgeous Laya, and if she's anything like you I know she's sweet as well." She held my hand and squeezed a bit.

I was unsure of how to react or feel. Introducing Lilo to her other family members hadn't even crossed my mind until now. I was ashamed for not only keeping her away from Dave but from them as well. Thankfully, Maya didn't showed any malice towards me and for that I was grateful. Lilo didn't need her mommy to be at odds with her father's entire side of the family.

Danielle however, hadn't said anything directed to me yet...she was next to her mother cooing at her new niece.

I clasped my hands in front of me and darted my eyes around the room - it hadn't changed at all. Weirdly, nothing was out of place from the way I left it.  Unlike the main area of the penthouse, the décor and some of my old shit was still in here.

I left Lilo with them to walk into my old bedroom and everything was still the same here too. The clothes and shoes I left behind, were still in the closet and even my makeup was still on the vanity.

I smirked to myself, because the thought of some random bitch wearing my stuff would be enough to make me sell all of Dave's things on eBay.

Not that I'd do that, or anything.

Placing my tote bag and Lilo's baby bag on the velvet chair in the corner, I walked thirty feet to the room adjacent mine. I had to make a list of the furniture and supplies I needed to turn it into Lilo's nursery away from home. Even though we'd only be staying here for a month or so, she still needed a room at her father's house.

But none of that was necessary, because it was all fully decorated and stocked up with all of her regular supplies and the brands that she used. It was bright and pink with life sized stuffed animals in the corner, two shelves filled with children's books and on the opposite wall were some photos that Dave took of her on the beach back in Turks.