24. Heart Thief

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the heart has its reasons which reason knows not.

blaise pascal

__________

I shut my eyes in anguish, afraid that the ironclad walls around my heart will simply dissipate into thin air, leaving it bare and susceptible to breakage. I could feel it cracking in my ribcage, atrium by ventricle, ventricle by atrium, under an avalanche of raw emotions.

Anger, sadness, denial, betrayal; they unravelled inside me, started devouring my insides. I gulped down a sob, begging the skies, begging the universe that when I opened my eyes, Ellie's arms wouldn't be draped around his waist, her lips wouldn't be on his. But they were, and there was nothing I could do to get that image out of my head. It was now forever imprinted in the cells of my memory. I could feel the blood leaving my face, my extremities going cold and numb. When I opened my eyes, Damian was just pulling away from my best friend, his dark hues locking with mine. I saw the mortification on his face as he realised that I witnessed their kiss, I saw all colour fade from it, going livid.

"You're here." he said, his voice cracking up with emotion. He was genuinely surprised by my presence, and I threw it in his face with all the acerbity I could garner:

"I was. Not anymore."

I glowered at Ellie, although my anger wasn't directed at her, and she returned a contrite, almost scared look. I knew it wasn't her fault. How could she have known how I felt about Damian, when I hadn't told her anything? She asked me if I had feelings for him and I had stayed quiet. But she confessed her love for him to me and yet I was selfish enough to lead him on, I was selfish enough to...

And Damian? Did I really have the right to reproach him for kissing Ellie? We weren't together. He was free to do whatever he desired, and so did I. But it still hurt, it hurt like hell. Even the thought that he never liked me that much, and he could easily replace me with my best friend was a poisoned arrow that kept pronging my pride.

I didn't wait for his reply; I bolted out of there, desperate to get out. I heard the guardian's indignant shout after me:

"Hey, get back here! Don't make me arrest you again!", and it took me a moment to realise that he wasn't talking to me, but to Damian, who had run off after me immediately. I knew that I stood no chance in outracing him, even though I had a head start, but I kept on dashing like my life depended on it. He was fast, much faster than I possibly could have thought, and before I could make any other step, his hand gripped mine, pulling me towards him. Simultaneously, his other hand settled on my waist, to prevent the collision of our chests under the force.

"Let me go!" I exclaimed, not even trying to be quiet. I attempted to yank my hand from his, but to no avail. Blinded by jealousy and rage, I slammed my palm against his chest, pushing him away from me. He merely staggered back an inch, and his grip tightened around my waist.

"Rosabel, stop fighting. Please." he asked me pleadingly, his tone as soft as silk, as if he were desperately trying to calm a hysteric child. That only infuriated me more, and I kept on struggling, not even listening to his pleas.

"All right. The hard way it is then." he concluded with a sigh. I suddenly stopped, frowning, giving him the opportunity to drag me closer to him by my waist. He noticed a closed door to our left and slid there, lifting me in the air shortly with one hand. He leant against it and it opened easily under our weight. It was a small room with four screens, that were linked to the cameras. They showed the main hall and the corridor of the prison cells from different angles. There were two empty chairs in front of the desk, and there was no one but us in the room.

"What the hell?! Get off me!" I screamed, but he didn't listen. Instead, he pinned me to the wall and covered my mouth with his palm, begging me with his dark eyes to keep quiet. He took his hand from my waist and brought his index finger to his lips, shushing me. I heard hurried steps right outside the room and really close voices.

"They must've gone that way. Don't worry, they won't get very far." the guardian assured someone, most likely Joseph and Ellie.

Utter silence followed, and all I could hear was my pounding heart, or his, or both of them, beating in frenzied unison. All I could see were his breathtaking eyes, blazing through mine; two gems of a bottomless abyss. All I could sense was his warm, erratic breath on my skin; the faded whiff of his cologne, and our proximity.

We stood like that for a moment, we allowed ourselves to get lost in each other's hues, we tried to memorize every little detail of the other's physiognomy. Gradually, he moved his hand away from my mouth, as soon as he made sure that I wasn't going to scream or push him away again. I relaxed slightly and pushed my back into the cold wall, but he didn't loosen up. His posture was taut, his muscles engaged, in case I tried to run away. He pressed his palms on the wall on either side of my body and exhaled sharply under my venomous scrutiny. I didn't say a word, determined to give him the silent treatment.

"She kissed me. I didn't." he uttered, and although I felt the weight on my heart minimizing, I didn't show it. "She had come to visit me, and when the guardian released me, she was really happy and I suppose she couldn't... rein her emotions." he checked my expression shortly, probably expecting a change, but he saw nothing, so he continued: "I didn't kiss her back. I pulled back right away. She didn't mean it, Rosabel..."

That was the end of my silence. And the catalyst of my frustration.

"She didn't mean it?" I sniggered, shaking my head slightly. "Are you really that blind?"

He gulped, a soft frown creasing his forehead.

"She's like a sister to me. Nothing more."

"To you, yes. But you're not a brother to her. You're so much more." His perplexed look proved my assumptions were true. He really didn't know. "Oh, for God's Sake, Damian. She's in love with you."

His sight fell to the floor, and his teeth sank in his lower lip. He didn't seem happy at all by that, in fact, he was looking as if I had just dropped the worst bombshell on him; but realisation soon dawned upon him, her small gestures of affection became something of much greater importance.

I glanced at his figure for a moment. He had lost weight: his black jeans were slightly loose on his hips, the black sweater he had on was larger than it used to be, and his chiselled features were more defined. His handsomeness hadn't faded at all, but it was now marked by some form of fragility. The suspicion of a sad smile curved his lips heavenward, and he watched me in the eye as he uttered:

"Maybe it's the curse of mortals, to be in love with those who don't feel the same in return."

His phrase was suggestive, and it was said in such an intimate timbre, that I couldn't help but think that it was actually directed to me. I parted my lips, unsure of what to answer. He had such an equivocal way with words, that I never knew his true intentions, or what he really meant. It was hard for me to understand him, but there was some beauty in not understanding: he revealed little parts of him to me every day, remaining as ever, bathed in mystery and ambiguity. He noticed my edginess and bobbed his head in resignation, as if he were hurt by my silence.

But they do feel the same, I wanted to yell, but I couldn't. It didn't feel right, not after I just told him that Ellie loved him. Was that fair to her? Instead of being heartbroken for her, a triumphant joy had filled me upon hearing that he doesn't see her that way, and that made me feel like a terrible person.

"I overreacted." I admitted, avoiding his dejected gaze. "I'm sorry. I had no right to be upset with you. You can kiss whoever you want."

"Can I, though?" he asked, drawing my attention. Damn his beautiful eyes! "Because there's only one person that I want to kiss for the rest of my life, and that person is right in front of me."

I desperately tried to keep my eyes fixated on his, so they wouldn't trail to his lips. Please don't kiss me, please don't kiss me, I prayed in my mind, because I knew that if he did, I wouldn't be able to push him away.

But Ellie had just kissed him, and that was the sole reason I held back. It was such a monumental declaration, and all I could mutter was:

"Please, don't say that..."

"Why not?" he countered, to my surprise. "Because of Ellie?" he inquired rhetorically. "Yes, you're her best friend and you don't want to hurt her, but that's just an excuse, Rosabel. She's going to get hurt either way, and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it."

I opened my lips to protest, but he didn't let me talk:

"You're scared of something. What are you scared of? To be loved? To love?"

To be in love with you, I answered him mentally. I tried to think of something to say, but the door opened out of a sudden, and the figure of a sturdy policeman appeared before us. He was holding a chocolate doughnut in one of his hands, and he skewered us a dumbfounded look.

"Woah. What are you kids doing here?"

Damian didn't even glance at him. He licked his lower lip eyeing me and then reluctantly took his palms off the wall, strolling to the exit. I followed him, muttering a hurried apology to the goggle-eyed policeman.

Damian was walking quickly, too quickly for me to keep up without scurrying. He seemed to know where he was heading, so I didn't question him.

"There they are!" someone cried out, startling me. It was the guardian from before, scowling at us with his hands on his hips. Near him was Damian's family and Ellie, who watched us scrupulously with her doe eyes, even defiantly. It was very out of her character, but so was initiating a kiss with Damian.

I guessed love really changed people.

Damian's eyes widened upon seeing his mother, and he grew even paler than he already was. But he quickly regained his composure and offered her a bittersweet smile.

"Look what the cat dragged in." he quipped, his face turning into an ephemeral grimace of revulsion. His mother winced, probably expecting a warmer welcome.

"Damian, please. Not now." Joseph chimed in.

"Why ever not? Makes it easier for dad, so he can lock me up again because of my misconduct." he sneered, shooting his father a sharp look. "That way you can have the nice New Year's Eve you all deserve."

I felt really uneasy and awkward just standing there, but judging by Ellie's facial expression, so did she. The guardian switched his sight from Damian to his father, who was already clenching his fists. He pursed his lips, shook his head defeatedly and walked away. Gloria looked deeply saddened, her eyes averted to the floor, and Joseph glanced at me as if he were asking for help.

"As tempting as that sounds, young man, you're coming home, thanks to your mother. That doesn't mean I can't lock you up in your room though, so I suggest you pick your words very carefully now." William, his father, threatened.

I didn't think twice about it. I took Damian's hand into mine, intertwining my fingers with his and squeezing them slightly. He looked at our hands and then gazed at me with a gentle frown, as if he needed to process what just happened, was trying to determine if this was real or not. He took a deep breath and remained silent, the corner of his lips rising upwards into a melancholic smile. I returned the smile encouragingly.

"Wise choice. Now let's go." his father added. "And apologise to your mother."

"Rosabel." Ellie called out loudly, drawing my attention to her. Her cheeks, usually alabaster, were now rosy, and I noticed her acrimonious glare on our hands. Her teal blue eyes looked as if they were about to fall from her sockets, and she was gripping her wrist anxiously with one of her hands. I felt an immediate tinge of guilt. "I'll drive you home."

I nodded, trying to let go of Damian's hand. But he had something different in mind. He pulled me closer to him and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. I revelled in that moment of intimacy, although we were in the police station and in the sight of dozens of people. Our eyes locked, and it was worth a thousand words.

"Rosabel." my best friend urged me, pulling me back to reality.

I sighed silently, and we parted ways, but somehow, even when I got into Ellie's car, I felt his presence, I felt his lips on my forehead, I felt his hand on mine.

And at that moment, I knew.

I knew I loved him with all my being.


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