Lennon.

College is stressful but college without orgasms, even self induced, is even more stressful. I haven't been able to get myself to orgasm since New Years Eve with Xan and that was a month ago, a whole month without an orgasm. I think I'm starting to lose my mind. Tayen keeps asking why I'm so frazzled but I don't know how to tell her without saying the words out loud and I cannot say them out loud, I refuse. I feel like once they're out in the universe I can't take them back and I'll be damned if I admit Xan broke my vagina.

I've been to Aces house with Tayen a few times after that night. Jax still doesn't remember my name and Xan acts like I don't exist which is surprising because I fully expected him to taunt me but he didn't. Him ignoring me was more annoying than him taunting me, it was weird.

"Girl if you don't sit down I'm going to shove you into the chair and tie you to it until you tell me what the hell is going on." Tayen demands.

I immediately stop pacing. I hadn't even realized I was doing it in the first place, too lost in my head. She's laid across her bed on her stomach. Dream catchers made by her grandmother hang above her bed looking like beautiful webbed art with brown and white feathers dangling from the hoops. There's a white, turquoise, brown and orange wool blanket folded neatly at the foot of her bed and books are strewn across her white comforter.

She closes the two books she had open and shuts her laptop, looking me in the eye. "What's going on? You've been acting weird since New Years Eve, did something happen?"

I can't believe I'm about to admit this especially out loud.

"Xan broke my vagina on New Years Eve and now I can't orgasm." The words fly from my lips like they've been dying to escape and I feel a little relieved that I can vent to someone about my predicament.

Her dark eyes widen and then she throws her head back and laughs. "What are you talking about? He broke your vagina?"

I glower at her. "This is serious, Tayen! I cannot and have not orgasmed since that night, since he touched me!"

I don't think she understands exactly how that feels because she has Ace. It's extremely frustrating though.

Her lips quirk. "Do you like Xan?"

I shake my head. "No, it was just a fun thing to do after we kissed at midnight and it was nice, he made me feel good but what the actual fuck!"

"Have you tried a vibrator?"

I nod. "Of course, I tried for almost an hour the other night. Nothing."

Normally I could get myself off pretty quickly if I wanted to. I knew my body, I'd been masturbating since I hit puberty so it shouldn't take so long and it hadn't until Xan.

Her mouth forms an O. "An hour and nothing... ouch." She mutters and then taps her fingers against her lips for a moment. "Why don't you just go back for another? He got you off once, surely he could do it again."

I level her with an 'are you serious' stare. "You're joking, right?"

"No..." she trails.

"Tayen! I have a crush on Jax, I don't even like Xan. Why would I go to Xan?"

"Because you want to orgasm." She replies in a duh tone. I glare at her and she holds her hands up in defense. "Okay, not funny. I can't believe you still have a crush on Jax, he can't even remember your name."

"Don't remind me." I mutter in embarrassment.

It's not exactly a boost to my ego.

"Wouldn't messing with Xan possibly take your mind off your crush with his best friend? I mean he can get you off so you don't have to worry about that and Jax has a girlfriend so it's not like you could ask him out and see if he would be up to the task. What would screwing around with Xan hurt?"

"My pride." I huff. "I know Xan, he'll make me squirm if I ask him."

I already feel embarrassed just thinking about standing in front of him, my mouth forming the words as he grins down at me, his dark eyes mocking me. Kill me now.

"Yeah, probably but... orgasms." She shrugs.

Yeah... orgasms.

God I can't believe I'm actually thinking about doing this. I've never had a friend with benefits relationship with anyone. Well I guess with Xan we would have to call it fuck buddies because we aren't friends but still... How do you even ask someone that? Would he actually be interested? I mean obviously he finds me somewhat attractive because he's the one who approached me on New Years Eve. I could try to use him to get over Jax and reap the benefits of his talented fingers while I do it. I'm pretty over the obsession I have with his best friend, it's honestly unhealthy. Well I wouldn't say I'm over it but I really want to be.

"I'm meeting the guys for dinner later if you wanna tag along." Tayen suggests. "Maybe you could pull Xan aside afterwards."

I grab her by the shoulders, fighting the urge to squeeze her into a tight hug. "I could kiss you right now."

"Sorry, Lenny, these lips are for Ace and Ace only." She says and I laugh.

"Speaking of Ace, what's he like in bed?"

She sighs wistfully, a naughty grin tilting her lips. "More than I ever imagined which is saying something because... well you've seen him. He's big and broad and beautiful. Is there a god of sex in Greek mythology? If there is that's him."

A sex god, damn.

"I am so jealous but also so happy for you, Tay, you deserve it." I shoot her a wink and exit the room before she can make a comment about my use of Aces nickname for her.

I jump in the shower, shaving any unwanted hairs away, wash my hair, and layer my body in peony and rose scented body wash until the scent burns my nose and then I rinse off. After my shower I quickly moisturize and get dressed in an oversized cream sweater with the front tucked into a brown suede skirt and I borrow Tayen's thigh high boots. I straighten my hair until it's a sheet of honey blonde hanging down my back and swipe some lip gloss across my lips.

"You ready?" Tayen asks from the doorway of the bathroom as I spritz some perfume on and I nod.

We meet Ace and his roommates at a bar right off campus. Ace, Jax, Xan, and Akira are already at a table when we arrive.

"This is Tayen's friend Laura." Jax introduces me to Akira and the table erupts in laughter.

Jax's cheeks turn a deep shade of red and he slumps down in his seat in embarrassment.

Xan leans back in his chair and drapes his arm across my shoulders. "This is Lennon Rose but you know that because you've only met her about five times now."

Jax's cheeks grow brighter. "Sorry." He mutters.

Akira shoots me a glare like it's my fault her man is embarrassed and I have the sudden urge to hide of under the table and never come out. What is with Jax and remembering my name?

We order a bunch of wings and a few pitchers of beers when the waitress approaches. I feel a tug on my hair as Xan drops his arm and he arches an eyebrow at me. The waitress comes back with the beer and pours us each a mug full.

Jax, Ace, Tayen and Akira hold their mugs up in salute and shout, "Happy Birthday, Xan!"

My head whips to the side toward Xan in surprise and then I remember him saying he was an Aquarius during his introduction freshman year. Tayen could've at least warned me. Xan eyes me as he takes a drink of his beer and then flashes that crooked grin of his. Maybe it being his birthday puts me at an advantage, I could offer him a sexual birthday gift instead of committing to asking him to be my fuck buddy. It would possibly cause less taunting and maybe one time would be enough.

"Happy Birthday, Xan." I flash him a smile of my own, sweet as honey and brighter than the sunshine my Mama would say.

We drink and eat for a while but I only allow myself to get to the edge of being buzzed since I have class tomorrow and practice in the morning. We all go back to the guys house with them after we pay the bill. Tayen shoots me a wink and pulls Ace into his room when we get there. Jax and Akira disappear into Jax's room and then I'm alone with Xan. We're on the couch, the TVs on but I don't even know what's playing. I can feel Xan's eyes on me, studying me. It's like he knows why I'm here or something, maybe I'm just being paranoid.

"Come back for more?" His question is cocky, loaded with arrogance that has my face heating in anger.

I cannot believe my vagina likes him.

"It's your birthday, I thought maybe I could reciprocate for New Years Eve." I state, finally meeting his dark gray eyes.

"You didn't know it was my birthday though." He smirks and damn it's even more mischievous than that crooked grin of his.

Of course he's going to call me out.

I bite my lip so I don't snap his head off. "I didn't." I admit.

He relaxes back further into the couch, manspreading his long legs until our thighs are touching. "Come here."

I scoot closer and his hand tangles in my hair, pulling me toward him until our mouths meet. I turn and raise up onto my knees, my hand fisting his shirt as he devours my lips. My tongue flicks against the hoop pierced through his lower lip, intrigued at the feel of it. 

Xan pulls back, his eyes bright with lust. "Take it out and put it in your mouth."

His order both excites me and has my stomach churning with nerves. "Right here? What if one of them leaves their rooms?"

He arches an eyebrow. "What if they do?"

The room goes quiet for a minute, the tv volume low as I contemplate his question.

"If you want my dick, take it out and put it in your mouth." Xan's voice is low and steady.

I sit back on my heels and reach for his pants. My fingers are shaking with both the nerves of possibly getting caught and the excitement of what's to come. I'm not super experienced with giving head but I know enough to get the job done. Xan rests one arm on the arm of the couch and the other along the back of it as I free his hard cock from his boxers and jeans. His dick is big and long and intimidating. He groans lowly when I lean forward and swipe my tongue across the head. One of his hands gathers my hair away from my face and the other lands a very hard smack on my ass.

I shoot up in surprise and glare at him.

"Stop teasing me and put it in your mouth." He grumbles.

Jesus Christ this better be worth it. I huff and bring my mouth back to his dick and take his entire length to the back of my throat.

"Fuck." He grunts, his fingers tightening around my hair.

I bob my mouth up and down on his cock, sucking and licking in a frenzy. I want to make him come undone, make him feel as out of control as he's made me feel. I want him to be in the same situation he put me, unable to come unless it's me getting him off because it's absolute torture. With one hand still holding my hair back his other pushes my skirt up over my ass and tugs my panties down. His fingers run across the soaked lips of my pussy and I moan around his cock.

"Damn, you're soaked." He groans. "Does my cock taste that good?"

Fuck him and his taunting. Just as I'm about to sit up he sinks a finger inside my pussy and God help me. My nails dig into his thigh and I thrust back against his touch, his finger slipping deeper inside me.

"So greedy." He murmurs, sliding his finger in and out at an agonizing pace.

He forces my head down further on his length while adding another finger inside my pussy. I'm so close I could cry, the muscles in my body tightening in suspense. He's jerking his hips up, fucking my mouth as I bob my head while speeding up his hand deep inside me and it's too much. Too many sensations at once and it's been so damn long since I felt even the start of an orgasm. I scream around his cock as I come but it becomes garbled as his cum coats my throat simultaneously.

He drags my orgasm out until his cock is done twitching in my mouth and then he releases me and I sit up panting.

"Finally." I mutter without meaning to.

My body feels so lax I'm surprised I don't slip off the couch and onto the floor in a puddle of liquid.

I feel Xan's eyes on me as he ticks himself back inside his pants but I can't meet his gaze. "I should go, I have practice in the morning." I say quietly, rising from the couch on shaky legs as I tug my panties up and adjust my skirt.

Xan remains quiet as I slip my boots back on and flee from the house. My body feels light on my walk back to my apartment, a smile tilts my lips after finally orgasming. Maybe now I'm fixed, I don't know what I'll do if I have to keep coming to Xan for orgasms. It's humiliating and he sure as hell doesn't make it easy on me.

——————————————

Hey babe's, I almost forgot what day it was lol

We're about to get to my favorite parts of the book 😊

Update on the outline of The Deep End: I had to pause it to do a quick read through of Dive In to make sure I had some facts right but I'm back to working on it. There's one part I'm struggling with connecting but I feel close. I'm over halfway done so hopefully once I figure that part out I'll complete the rest and be able to start uploads soon! I will not start uploading it until the outline is completely finished.

Next upload is Monday! Have a great weekend🖤

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Love youu🖤🖤

— Katy