❝If you want to support others you have to stay upright yourself.❞

- Peter Hoeg

[ H U N T E R   W I L L I A M S ]

The last few weeks have been extremely difficult, to say the least. Blake had been hospitalized for over two weeks at this point, diagnosed with a severe case of pneumonia of all things. He was only recently transferred to a hospital near home because the hospital staff in Scotland decided to ignore their patient's requests.

I had spent as much time as I could by his side, constantly reassuring and supporting him throughout his illness and to my relief - he was getting released today.

It was already New Year's eve, twenty-nineteen was coming to an abrupt end, it was almost scary how fast time flew by.

I had been trying my absolute best to stay happy and focused by Blake's side, ignoring the fact that I had no one to go back to at home or to spend Christmas with. This time of the year was extremely difficult for me because I truly envied the people who had stable, loving families to go back to. I wished to have what they did, but I knew I never would.

As volatile as my mental health had been, I managed to persevere and right now, I was on the edge of my seat because Blake was going home tonight.

During the last couple of weeks, I gave the conversation between Blake and me in the ski resort infirmary a second thought. 

I was overall happy to know more about Blake. I think him showing vulnerability and sharing a dark part of his life with me opened up an opportunity for us to become even closer as friends. Sure as hell didn't deter me from having strong feelings towards him either.

In these kinds of situations, having and dealing with anxiety was the worst - when overthinking is your only way of thinking, it is almost impossible the decipher motives. A part of me hoped that he engaged in such an intimate conversation with me because there was a chance for us to be something more - but I think that was just me delusionally spiralling out of touch.

Yes. After everything that happened, I was still, if not more, madly in love with Blake Carter, my fucking English teacher.

However, this time I wasn't trying to push those feelings out of my head, I wasn't trying to run away from them or force myself to look at other people, I was living with it - with the intent to love him unconditionally till I can't any longer.

Ultimately, I knew I was setting up myself for a heart-shattering shattering fate, but every moment I spent around him, whether good or bad, I felt happy and I deserved to be happy.

I was past all that 'meeting new people' bullshit, I thought it would help me move forward, but all it resulted in was bruised knuckles. Figured, I'd just ride the wave of euphoria before it was over, not that I wanted it to be.

It was a quarter past three o'clock in the afternoon and I was anxiously sitting around my room doing absolutely nothing. I was intending to go over to Blake's and hang out with him for the first day of him being home. Yesterday he told me to stay home instead of coming down to see him in the hospital like I had been doing religiously since he was transferred. Maybe he felt bad for me having to deal with this, or he could've been sick of my presence. I chose to ignore the latter thought during this moment.

The thing about my feelings for Blake was, that I didn't need to be physical or even affectionate with him to feel happy. As much as I wanted Mr Featherhead to ravage me on the spot, I more than was content with him just giving the time of his day.

That's how I knew my feelings were there to stay. I was beyond whipped.

My phone buzzing is what snapped me out of my pitiful mind, I reached over for my phone, secretly wishing it was a message from Blake, however, it was the other best option - Evelyn Hale - checking up on me.

Hey, Hunt! Just wanted to wish you a happy New Year's Eve, know that I love you a lot and that 2020 is going to be our year!! Received, 3:23 PM.

Evelyn's message brought a smile to my face, she had been my anchor throughout the end of twenty-nineteen, she's been checking up on me pretty much every day since Blake had been hospitalized. She was an absolute gem, I don't think I ever wanted to let go of.

Hey, Eve. Thank you, hope your NYE goes well as well, we're striving for world domination in 2020, is that right? Sent, 3:24 PM.

Hell yeah, you know it, baby. Anyways, you got any plans tonight? Received, 3:24 PM.

I was thinking about spending the evening with Blake, he should be home by now, haven't asked yet. You? Sent, 3:25 PM.

I got a couple 'eyes' emojis as a response and I chuckled. Evelyn never missed the opportunity to push my buttons.

Troy is taking me out for a romantic dinner, this is the first real date I'm going out and I'm terrified. Received, 3:26 PM.

Awww, don't be scared, it's going to go well! Just don't forget to use protection! Sent, 3:26 PM.

You too lover boy. ;) Received, 3:26 PM.

I choked on my spit when I read her message and briefly put my phone down, I thought I had her with my message, but she clapped back harder using my line. 

Suddenly, I heard my ring tone going off and I immediately thought it was Evelyn calling, but to my surprise, it was the individual that I wanted to spend every single moment of my time with - Mr Featherhead. I answered the call. "'Ello," I said nonchalantly.

"Howdy, just wanted to let you know that I'm home, I'm safe and I want you to have a great New Year's Eve." Blake's voice was like music to my ears this cold afternoon.

I smiled to myself, feeling warm inside. "I'm glad to hear that you're okay..." I trailed off a little, I didn't know whether or not I should ask him if he's free tonight, I don't want to seem too pushy. Oh well, you only live once, then you die, fuck it. "Are you free tonight?"

"Indeed, I am, why are you asking?" I could practically hear the smirk on his face.

"Why do you think I'm asking, Mr Featherhead, do you want to hang out tonight?" I sighed, attempting to mask my extremely eager and hopeful tone.

"Don't you have friends to hang out with tonight?" He asked and immediately, I felt my stomach churn, was something wrong? "I mean, you've been by my side every day that you could, I honestly feel bad for taking up so much of your free time." Blake trailed off, his tone laced with genuine guilt.

The abnormality of this situation hit me hard after he said that. It was kind of sad how instead of talking with people my age and making plans, I was instead asking to hang out with my literal English teacher. I had to chuckle at that thought.

"Something funny?" Blake's voice echoed through the speaker and I responded with a swift 'no'.

"I spend my time with you because I genuinely want to, Blake. You know, truthfully, I'd rather spend the eve with you than anyone else," I confessed. I knew I was pushing boundaries but I didn't care then.

"Right, you're always welcome, Hunter. Do you wanna come over now... or later?" He trailed off and I gave his question some thought.

"I'll be over later, don't forget to prepare the alcohol for me! I'm getting wasted while you watch." I challenged him, I knew he couldn't drink because he was still on medicine.

"No one will be drinking tonight. See you later, Hunt." Blake's tone was deep and adamant, the call ended after that and I was already beyond excited.

I ended up heading to Blake's apartment at around nine o'clock in the evening, with full intent to stay up late spending my New Year's eve with my favourite person on the face of the planet.

The beginning of the night went swimmingly, Blake seemed to have a magical aura around him, he was cheerful and ecstatic, it was honestly a sight to see. This is a side of Blake I had rarely ever seen and all I wanted to do was see this careless, quirky man act the way he did that night. We were sitting on the same couch I had woken up on after getting arrested, watching TV, participating in meaningful small talk, it was nice.

Until Blake lowered the TV volume and turned to me. "Hey, Hunter? Can I be real with you for a second?" He questioned.

I felt my nerves pick up and answered cautiously. "Yeah..? What's up?"

"You know, you're probably the most important person in my life right now, nobody and I seriously mean nobody in my life had ever dedicated this much time and unconditional care to me. I just wanted to express my appreciation, I don't think I do that merely enough." I felt my heart skip a beat. Hearing Blake's statement was the most heartwarming thing I've head in twenty-nineteen. Unfortunately, that warmth soon turned into absolute chaos. "I am also not oblivious to what's been happening, Hunter."

"Huh?"

"I know you have feelings for me an-" No. Please no.

Panic set in, I don't think I've ever gotten up and left as fast as I had at that particular moment. I felt as if my entire world was collapsing around me as I practically sprinted to get my shoes and went out through the door. I heard Blake's faint protesting but I didn't bother to turn back. I just didn't want to hear it, not tonight.

I guess Blake was wrong. I was going to be drinking tonight, unfortunately, alone.