Chapter 82

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After Ellie came, she was exhausted. And afterwards, for a few wonderful moments, she couldn’t think at all.

She lay underneath Mia, gasping, pressing her face against Mia’s warm shoulder. She was empty and happy and soggily wrapped in Mia. She felt shattered, as though somehow her orgasm had undone her into pieces, and left her broken and breathless inside, and she needed to stay still and hug Mia until she could fit herself back together.

She lay still and did. She lay still, and hugged, and began to feel as though she was slowly slipping back into herself

“Are you okay?” Mia said, and kissed Ellie’s forehead.

Ellie nodded, but didn’t speak, and kept her face against Mia’s shoulder.

“Are you?” Mia said, after a moment, as if she was worried.

“Yep,” Ellie said. “Just…. empty.”

Mia kissed her again. “I know.”

“Actually not empty,” Ellie said. “Confused. Broken. Weirdly not completely me.”

“I know. I know that one too.”

Ellie smiled, but stayed where she was a little longer. She breathed in the smell of Mia’s skin. She felt Mia’s hand on her side, gently stroking.

She was staring to think again.

She was thinking about the way she’d looked up into Mia’s eyes as she came. She was thinking how much that confused her.

She wasn’t sure why she’d needed to stare like that. She didn’t understand it at all.

She also wasn’t sure she wanted to wonder about it too much, even though she was.

She couldn’t help herself.

Sex was weird, she told herself. That was all. Sex got emotional, even when it wasn’t meant to be about feelings. Sometimes the emotional was good. It could make everything better, part of the fun and sexiness. It could, if you didn’t mistake that sort of emotional for something actually real, and remembered the emotions were just something that happened on their own, part of whole experience, and if you made very sure you didn’t believe in them so much that you got disappointed and hurt when what you were feeling turned out to be make-believe.

Ellie didn’t want it to be make-believe, and she didn’t want to get hurt either.

She was worried by what the staring meant. She seemed to be feeling something she shouldn’t, when she knew Mia only wanted sex. Because that was what they’d agreed. Mia only wanted sex, and Ellie knew that, and Ellie did too, so anything Ellie was feeling was Ellie feeling more than she ought to.

Ellie wanted to make herself stop, but she didn’t really know how.

There was probably a good reason for what she was feeling, she thought. Like how it was all so new.

Everything they were doing was new to Ellie, and that was probably complicating what she felt. Ellie was doing something she’d never known she wanted to, and Mia was helping her, being kind of her, showing her how. That probably added all sorts of complicated things about friendship and gratitude to what Ellie was feeling.

Sex with Mia was good. Sex with Mia was extraordinary. Probably sex between women was always like this, Ellie thought. She didn’t know, but probably it was. Probably feeling like she did, and wanting to stare into people’s eyes, that was just part of it. Probably everyone got complicated feelings, and then just ignored them and the feelings went away.

That was what Ellie was going to make herself do.

She decided she was overreacting. She told herself that just because she thought the sex was good, that didn’t mean Mia did as well. And she knew herself well enough, too, to know that she liked having sex with her feelings involved. She got her feelings involved, because she preferred sex with people she liked, rather than people who were complete strangers. She wanted to like Mia, because she was fucking Mia, and that was probably all it was.

Except that she liked Mia anyway. She liked Mia a lot. That was making it complicated. She liked Mia as a person. She liked kissing Mia during sex, and spending time with Mia, so if she wanted to look into Mia’s eyes as she came, maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.

As long as she didn’t let herself believe it meant anything.

Mia just wanted sex. They were friends, and having sex, and Ellie wasn’t so silly as to think anything was going to change just because they fucked well together. Mia wasn’t like that, she wasn’t that sort of person, and Mia had told Ellie so right at the start. So Ellie couldn’t complain at all.

Ellie would have to make herself not feel what she ought not to, and she’d have to do it on her own. Because what Ellie was feeling just wasn’t Mia’s problem.

Ellie lay there, and hugged Mia, and wondered if she should let go. She thought about going to pee, but then decided not. Mia couldn’t, not without risking being seen, so Ellie didn’t want to either. It seemed rude, when Mia would have to leave if she wanted to.

It seemed rude, and also, Ellie didn’t want Mia to leave. Not yet.

Ellie was a little surprised by that.

She wanted Mia to stay. Not even for more sex, necessarily, since they both had work and probably needed to sleep. And even though it might be complicated to organize, with unavailable bathrooms and clothes for tomorrow and all the rest, Ellie wanted Mia to stay, just to have Mia there with her.

She wanted Mia to stay, even though she’d only just decided she wasn’t going to let herself think this was anything other than sex. She wanted Mia to stay anyway.

It wasn’t that big a deal, Ellie told herself. Wanting someone there to hug in bed didn’t mean anything special. It was just nice, after sex. And it wasn’t even necessarily Mia staying all night, Ellie thought, just until Mia needed to pee, or got too nervous, or decided to leave. Until anything, really. Any amount of time with Mia beside her would be nice.

The floor was hard under Ellie, with most of Mia’s weight still on her. Hard enough she was getting sore.

“We should get up on the bed,” Ellie said. “If you like.”

Mia nodded. “Okay.”

“Do you mind?” Ellie said.

“Of course not,” Mia said. “Why would I?”

Ellie shrugged. After a moment she said, “Want to now? I’m a bit squashed.”

“Shit,” Mia said, and lifted herself up off Ellie. “I’m sorry.”

Ellie kissed her and smiled. Kissed, without even really meaning to, so she didn’t think about feelings and emotions until after her mouth was on Mia’s.

Then she didn’t want to take her mouth away.

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