Ellie sat there for a moment, thinking. She was still a little hurt. She didn’t know why talking had suddenly upset her, but it had, and now she was angry and sad and wanted to cry all at once. She pulled her hair up into a bun, then had nothing to fix it with, and let it fall back down. It was probably the wrong time to be talking like this, she thought. It was probably too late at night. They were probably both tired, so if they were having a fight, which it seemed like they were in their own weird way, then it would probably be worse because they were tired.

They shouldn’t talk now, Ellie thought, except that they had to talk now. If they didn’t, Mia might leave forever, out of some stupid idea it was best for Ellie for Ellie to lose Mia. It was stupid, and wrong, and it was also what Mia seemed to believe, and Ellie needed to work out a way to make her see it was wrong, and do so very quickly.

Ellie wanted to fix everything, but she didn’t know how. She thought for a while, and nothing came to mind. Mia was sitting there, watching her, waiting.

Ellie didn’t know how, and she didn’t know why this was happening, and it was starting to hurt that it was. It hurt that Mia would do this, and it hurt Ellie couldn’t make this right, and couldn’t think to fix everything. Ellie couldn’t think, so instead of being clever, instead of the right words, in the end she just asked the thing she actually wanted to know.

“Do you want to do something that isn’t sex?” Ellie said. “Like, go out with me somewhere?”

Mia looked at her for a moment. “You don’t want to go out with me.”

“Yeah I do. I just asked you.”

“Trust me, you don’t.”

“Trust you?”

“Yeah.”

“Trust you?” Ellie said. “Fuck you.”

“What?” Mia said, and actually looked offended.

“How can you possibly know what I want or don’t want.”

“I just do, okay?”

“Because, what? You’ve been with so many people and read all their minds? Because you’ve fucked hundreds of women like me and know exactly what I’m thinking?”

“Something like that.”

“Women like me?” Ellie said, annoyed Mia hadn’t argued about that part. “So, what? Straight women?”

Mia looked at her. “Something like that.”

“Women you made less straight.”

Mia sighed.

“Fuck you,” Ellie said. “This isn’t like that.”

“Yeah,” Mia said. “I know.”

“It really fucking isn’t, and I hate you for saying it is.”

Mia looked upset. “You hate me?”

“I don’t hate you, but I don’t like what you just said.”

Mia nodded slowly.

“So say sorry,” Ellie said.

“I’m sorry.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t just say it because I told you too.”

Mia looked up. “I’m not just saying. I really am sorry.”

Ellie nodded, and thought a little more. “So since you know so much,” she said. “Why don’t I want to go out with you?”

“You don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Just no, okay?”

“Tell me. Please. Since I don’t know myself.”

“You’re kind of a bitch when you get annoyed, you know that?”

Ellie shrugged.

“You are,” Mia said.

“Yeah, well you’re patronising and self-righteous, so just tell me. Please. Why don’t I want to?”

“Because you’re not ready for being stared at as we walk down the road holding hands, or kiss goodbye, or sit anywhere, or even just talk.”

“How do you know I’m not?”

“Because we’re still hiding this from Mark.”

“No,” Ellie said. “That’s just…”

“Because you aren’t ready.”

Ellie looked at Mia, thinking.

“He’d be happy for us both,” Mia said. “He’s the last person in the world who’d care, or think anything bad. And we’re hiding this from him.”

“Only because it’s just sex, and it’s private between us,” Ellie said.

Mia nodded slowly. “Maybe that’s all it is.”

Ellie sat there, looking at Mia, wondering too. She thought about Mark, and how she felt about Mia, and how all this had happened. How the secrecy had just seemed to evolve, a coincidence no-one had planned. It was embarrassing because it was sex, so it wasn’t something they’d mention, and so they hadn’t, and that was all. And later it had been sexy to have a secret. That too. It wasn’t anything more, Ellie thought. It wasn’t because Ellie felt bad about Mia, or ashamed of what they were doing. Ellie was only keeping secrets because she’d have kept secrets about anything this new, and because sex was embarrassing, and admitting you were doing it was worse, and because Ellie had to stand naked in the shower each morning with Mark somewhere in the house and Mark was a guy and she didn’t want him thinking about her having sex. It was only that, she thought. The same as why Mia didn’t want to tell him.

Ellie knew it was only that, she knew that for sure, but suddenly she understood how Mia might feel. Suddenly she could see why Mia might think that their secrecy meant something significant, and why Mia might feel hurt by being kept hidden.

Suddenly Ellie wasn’t annoyed any more. Suddenly she was just confused, and worried she’d upset Mia.

“That’s not…” Ellie said.

“Yeah it is,” Mia said. “It’s exactly that. So no, I don’t want to do something with you, and make everything complicated.”

“What if you’re wrong?” Ellie said.

“Does it matter?”

“Maybe.”

“Does it matter if what I want is to fuck you endlessly, and to sneak around as much as you need me to, and not tell a soul. Because I think that’s what you want, and all you want, and that’s enough for me.”

Ellie looked at Mia for a long moment, thinking. “And if I did want more?”

“Not with me.”

Ellie was confused. That wasn’t what she’d expected Mia to say. “How do you mean?”

“You don’t want more with me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah I do.”

Ellie was a little annoyed again. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t,” Ellie said. “So don’t say things like that when you don’t know, okay? Please?”

Mia shrugged.

“Don’t,” Ellie said.

Another shrug. Mia obviously disagreed, and was equally obviously not arguing.

Ellie sat there for a moment. “Fuck it,” she said. “Tell me.”

Mia shook her head.

“Tell me what you mean,” Ellie said. “Please.”

“You don’t want more,” Mia said. “Because if you did, if you wanted more, you’d be doing something about it already. You’d be just… doing it. And yet you aren’t, so whatever you want, and whoever you want it with, that person isn’t with me. I’m not the person for you to do it with.”

Ellie sat there, staring at her.

“And I’m not upset either,” Mia said. “I’m fine. What we’re doing is good. It’s wonderful and fun. But let’s not complicate it by trying to pretend it’s something it isn’t.”

Mia stopped talking.

“You’re done?” Ellie said.

Mia nodded.

Ellie thought for a moment. “That’s stupid,” she said.

Mia looked offended.

“It is,” Ellie said. “Sorry, but it really is. I didn’t know you wanted more. You said you didn’t.”

“And you didn’t try and change my mind.”

“Because…” Ellie said, and then stopped. “Fuck it,” she said, and stood up.

She was naked, and Mia was looking at her, and she was feeling hurt, but she didn’t care any more. She started looking for her clothes.

“What’re you doing?” Mia said.

Ellie picked up her skirt and turned it around and was about to pull it on.

“Don’t go,” Mia said.

“I think I should.”

“I stayed when you asked me to.”

“Yep,” Ellie said. “I know. And I’m not being fair to leave now.”

Mia didn’t answer. Because it was true, Ellie thought.

“Are we having a fight?” Ellie said.

“No,” Mia said. “It’s not a fight.”

“We kind of are.”

“Not really.”

“You’re calm,” Ellie said. “You’re a calm person.”

“And you’re not?”

“Not usually.”

“Wait,” Mia said. “Please.”

Ellie almost did. Then she thought about lateness and them being tired and that making everything worse. She thought that they were both calm for now, and nothing terrible had been said yet, and some of what they’d said was even actually even good to have out there. She thought, and knew she should leave.

“I think I should go,” Ellie said. “I think I want to go. But I also want to make sure we actually aren’t having a fight, because I think it’d be bad just to leave if we are.”

“We aren’t having a fight.”

“Then I think I’m going to go,” Ellie said.

“You don’t have to. I can go.”

“Nope, I’m going. You’ve said mean shit and confused the fuck out of me and I want to go.”

“Ellie, I…” Mia sat there for a moment. “It wasn’t meant to be mean.”

“Yep, I know.”

“But you’re going anyway?”

Ellie nodded.

“You’re upset?”

“Not yet. But I might be if we keep talking, so I should go.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Don’t say anything. But I’m going to go.”

“I’m sorry if I…”

Ellie shook her head. “It’s really fine. I get all this, I get why. I’ll see you tomorrow or something, okay? But first, I need to go.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I do. I am. But I want to see you tomorrow, okay?”

Mia looked at her.

“Tomorrow,” Ellie said. “Please. In case this was a fight. So we can fix it. So we can just smooth it over and make sure it actually wasn’t. Does that make sense?”

Mia nodded. “It does.”

“So we’ll see each other tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“And we’ll have sex,” Ellie said.

Mia started to grin. “Okay.”

“So we’re good?”

Mia nodded.

“Good,” Ellie said.

She picked up her clothes, and went into the bathroom, and got dressed with the door closed. She wasn’t sure why, when she’d been naked around Mia for hours, but suddenly she didn’t want to be watched. She got dressed, and went back out into the room, and found Mia sitting on the bed.

Mia had got dressed too.

“Okay,” Ellie said. “I’m off.”

Mia nodded, and sat there looking at her.

Ellie went over to Mia, and kissed her for a moment. Kissed her properly, opening her mouth, so Mia knew how much she was wanted. So Mia knew, because apparently lust and need and desire were all that Ellie could be certain she could offer.

“Bye,” Ellie said, and, “Tomorrow.”

She kissed once more, and then picked up her bag, and left the room, and closed the door, and she did it as quickly as she could before anything more was said.