XIII
• • •

It was all one, big, agonizing mess of movement and sounds blurred together.

The ambulance arriving; Connor's uncontrollable sobbing; the flashing lights; the seemingly endless stream of questions being asked by the police; Ashton arriving; me sobbing into his chest; him trying to comfort Connor while I finished answering questions;

It was all one. big. blur.

One of the police officers had told me that he could drive my car back to my dorm building since I was in no state whatsoever to drive. After telling him the address of my building, I got into the passenger's seat of Ashton's car and stared straight forward, tears falling down my blank face. No part of me moved when I heard Ashton and Connor get in the car as well.

All I could see was the blood. All the fucking blood. Cassidy's blood. My father's blood. My mom and I's blood. It felt like it was everywhere. Like I was drowning in it. Like I was suffocating and feeling everything they felt when talking their last breaths.

When Connor started crying again, we pulled over so that I could get in the back with him. I held him on my lap and he cried into my hair the remaining 40 minutes of the trip back to Ashton's house. He had called Layla to let her know what was going on, but I hadn't listened to anything he said. I just continued to stare forward, too blinded by my thoughts to move a muscle.

The only time I moved again was when we got to his house. I rubbed Connors back and got his attention to show him we were there. He rubbed his eyes and climbed off of me when I opened my door. I followed suit, and Ashton brought me into his side as we walked towards the door, Connor's hand in mine.

Once we walked in, Layla came down the stairs to meet us and immediately brought us both into a hug. When she pulled away, she gave us both a very sad look.

"This is Connor," I introduced them, letting go of Connor's hand and forcing a smile in his direction. My voice came out slightly more congested and raspy than I had realized.

"Hi Connor, I'm Layla," she said to him, kneeling down in front of him and offering him a kind smile.

"Hi L-Layla," he replied in between sniffles. She gave him one more sympathetic look and then stood back up to look at us.

"Jake's in the living room watching tv," she told us.

"When is mommy gonna be okay?" Connor looked up at us with tears in his eyes. I held back my tears that were trying to flow.

"She's not sweetie," I told him gently, my voice cracking. He looked so confused. How do you explain death to an innocent little kid?

"Here, I'll introduce him to Jake," Layla offered and took Connor's hand in hers to lead him away.

"He's acting's like Jake did when everything happened with my parents. He'd always ask when they'd be back," Ashton told me once they were in the other room, his red eyes locking on mine.

"They don't deserve this shit," I said and felt a few tears fall out of my eyes. Ashton brought me into a hug and rubbed my back as I tried not to cry. A few moments later we heard Layla come back into the room and pulled away to look back up at her.

"Jake's telling him about the show he's watching," she told us. "Connor, did he, you know, see anything when you found her?" She asked me. I let out a pained sigh and nodded, thinking back to it. "Holy shit.." she reacted, "poor baby."

"I didn't know what was in there, I-I wouldn't have let him see but I didn't know," I rambled, still trying my hardest not to be hysterical.

"You couldn't have known, Crys," Layla told me and reached out to rub my arm. "I guess I'll go sit with them and keep their minds off of everything."

"Thanks, Lay," Ashton said and she offered a smile back before leaving the room again.

I wiped a few more tears off of my cheeks as we walked up to Ashton's room. The usual dim lighting of the room felt good against my headache.

"Well, this was really not how I expected today to go," I admitted, sitting down on his bed. He sat next to me. "It still doesn't really feel real."

"It usually doesn't for a while," he said sympathetically. There was a long pause.

"I could have stopped this," I confessed, my heart physically breaking in two. Ashton brought his attention back up to me, but I kept looking down. "There were so many goddamn signs. She was broken, she was in need, and I could have talked her off the ledge and saved her or something but I didn't and now she's dead. She's dead because of me. First my father died because of me, and now Cassidy," I finally let myself cry. "And Connor's gonna grow up without a mom, dad, or grandpa. And when he asks me why I'll know it's all because of me."

"This is not your fault," Ashton told me, meaning it with his whole heart.

"I want to believe you. But I might as well have just told her to kill herself. I didn't care enough to notice what she was planning on doing," I continued. "I feel like everyone around me dies because of me."

"Crystal. You didn't make anyone do anything, ever. None of this is your fault," he tried to convince me, and I decided to just nod. I didn't want to keep saying the same thing over and over, that it was my fault.

We sat there for a little while longer, and I continued to try and somewhat suppress my tears. It wasn't until a few moments later that I realized Ashton was silently crying. I immediately disregarded my thoughts and hugged him, trying my best to comfort him.

"You know how you have PTSD with your dad?" He pulled away to ask, and I nodded. "The same thing happens to me when I think about what happened to my mom... and what caused it-" he cut himself off, not wanting to finish his thoughts.

"It's okay, it's okay, I got you," I told him gently as he hugged me back again tightly, crying into my shoulder. We stayed like this for a long time.

Once his crying died down, he pulled away and wiped his face off with his shirt.

"Fuck. I'm sorry," he apologized for crying, finishing wiping off his face and sniffling.

"Never apologize to me for feeling things, Ash. I mean it," I told him, reaching up and somewhat fixing his disheveled hair. "I'm gonna go check on Connor and say hi to Jake, and then I'll be right back," I said and he nodded with a weak smile. I leaned up and gave him a sweet kiss on the lips before leaving the room.

I made sure my face was wiped clean if any moisture as I approached the entrance to the living room. However, I stopped in my tracks when I saw Jake and Connor laughing together on the couch. I didn't want to interrupt them if they were having fun- so I figured I'd say hi to Jake later.

"Hey, Crystal," Layla caught my attention, coming out of the kitchen. "Can I talk to you for a sec?" She nodded towards the kitchen with a small smile, which I returned before walking with her into the kitchen.

"What's up?" I asked once I sat down on one of the wooden seats.

"Well, uh," she started, "I'm not sure how much Ashton has told you about the.. situation.. that went down with our mom, and well, I just kind of felt like I should probably tell you a couple things since this is such a touchy subject right now," she continued, and I looked at her expectedly as she sighed.

"Ashton was the one who found my mom," she told me, and I felt wildly taken aback, my heart breaking even more than it already was. "He was the last person to see her alive, and the only person to see her dead."

"Holy shit," I commented, in shock.  We had never really talked too much about the specifics of what happened, but I still wasn't really expecting to hear that.

"Yeah," she sighed again, "he told me that it had been his doing what happened to her, and that he was the closest thing to a murderer that he could be... whatever the flipping flamingoes that means.. he's told me everything besides why he swears it's his fault," she added, and I continued to look at her.

"I can't believe I had no idea," I admitted. "Shit and there I was just a minute ago rambling to him about this situation without even realizing how much it must be effecting him on a different level," I scolded myself, but Layla brushed it off.

"Crystal, you're completely okay. If there's one thing me and Ashton have in common, it's the ability to pre-forgive people for small things such as that which lets us overlook small mistakes made by loved ones.. I'm 1000% sure he'd rather you have opened up to him than protect his own feelings and trauma," she assured me, and I gave her a small smile.

Just then, out of absolutely nowhere, another wave of reality quickly crashed into me, reminding me of what had happening. I tried to fight the tears back, and mostly succeeded, except for one or two tears. I quickly wiped them off and looked back up at Layla.

"How have you not cried at all since we've been here?" I joked, drying my face off completely.

"Crying's not really my thing, I've pretty much learned how to shut off my emotions in hard situations and not cry about virtually anything... It's not healthy but it lets me help other people so I'm fine with it." she explained, shrugging it off. I chuckled.

"I wish I had that.. I cry all the godamn time. The only difference between me and a leaking pipe is that.." I cut myself off with an awkward smile, "I shouldn't say that joke cuz, you know, it's your brother... anyway though you get my point. I can never stop fucking crying, it's annoying as hell," I complained, wiping away one more tear that escaped. "You'd think that after everything my family and I have been through I'd be done crying by now. God I wish I could just turn it all off."

"No you don't, Crys." She gave me a reassuring smile as I continued to fight off any tears trying to squeeze their way out of me. "You feel shit and you feel it hard. You love and you love hard. And no matter what odds you're faced with, no one can take that away from you. You have a heart of gold and the world doesn't know how to handle it.. that's on them, not you." I smiled back up at her, genuinely appreciating every word she said. She really did seem so wise, especially for her age.

"Thank you, Lay. I really needed to hear that," I told her sincerely, the emotion beginning to break through again a little bit.

"Hey, what are future sister-in-laws meant for?" She winked and I chuckled. "Do you want a beer?" She asked, walking towards the fridge.

"Do you happen to have anything stronger?" I half-joked.

"Yes, actually- Eli got me some stuff the other day," she replied, changing course to the cabinet above the fridge.

"Eli??" I raised an eyebrow in slight confusion.

"What? Oh, yeah, Eli was visiting his parents and they invited me to dinner. He got it for me while I was over there," she explained, and I nodded- understanding now why Eli randomly had popped into the conversation.

"Gotcha," I replied. She placed a bottle of Tito's on the counter.

"This good?" She asked with a slightly-proud smile, which I returned.

"Perfect, thanks," I got up and got a cup out of the cabinet, along with a flavored seltzer water out of the fridge. As I began making my beverage, Layla chimed back in.

"Is he, like, actually a womanizer?" She asked casually.

"Eli?" I questioned as I continued.

"Yeah."

"I mean, kind of.. but he's definitely growing out of it," I topped off my flavored seltzer with a few shots of Tito's before putting everything away back in its place. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason, just was wondering.. Anyway though, I'm gonna go entertain the kids and teach them young about the proper way to treat girls because that's what I do best," she rambled and I chuckled. I pulled her into a tight hug, which she returned with just as much effort.

"Thank you, really," I said as we pulled away.

"Don't think about it," she shrugged it off and smiled one more time before heading into the living room.

Sighing, I grabbed my drink and a water for Ashton, look a large gulp, and began walking to the stairs.

When I got back into Ashton's room, he was lying down on his bed. He gave me a tired smile when he saw me. I smiled back.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," his husky voice responded.

"I got you a water- I know you like your hydration," I tried to lighten the mood. He chuckled, sitting up and taking it from me.

"Ah, yes, I do. Thank you," he smiled back up at me, before both of us let out a small sigh and returned back to reality a little bit, our expressions falling again.

"You shouldn't have to see me like this right now," he said, referring to his tears.

"Yes, I should," I assured him. "Do you.. want to talk about it? We never really did talk too much about it other than that day in Eli's gym," I offered.

"Not, really," he told me honestly. "Not right now, anyway."

"That's okay," I told him with a slight smile. "I have so much I'm going to have to deal with and sort out tomorrow, so let's just try our best to enjoy each other's company tonight?" I suggested, feebly trying to keep our spirits up.

"I like that idea," he replied and I leaned my head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around me, bringing me into his side and rubbing my arm.

We sat like this for a while, calming ourselves down in the dim light from the crazy day we had just had. It was god-knows-how-much later when Ashton broke the silence of the room with a quiet, low voice.

"Do you wanna know part of the reason why I'm always so bad at being inviting to people I don't know, and such at bringing new people into my life," he thought out loud to me.

"Yeah."

"Because eventually, everyone leaves you. One way, or another. And I hate that. I fucking hate it." I could hear the pain and anger in his voice.

"I'll never leave you," I told him sincerely.

"You can't say that, though. No one can."

"Ashton. I will never leave you. Never. What we've been through together in just the time we've had so far, most people people won't go through with the person they love in their whole lives. I trust you with my life, and I trust myself enough to never let you go." I told him, looking up at him. He didn't meet my gaze. Instead, I could still see the utter pain in his eyes.

"I love you more than you can imagine.. but I don't trust myself to not drive you away. I mean, the people I love, leave. That's just how it works," he confessed.

"Since when have I ever let you drive me away from anything?" I joked, making him smile to himself. "I'm sorry Ash, but you're truly stuck with me," I paused, "And besides.. I, don't, really have anyone else, anyway. Honestly, if I let you go then I'd be letting the best parts of me go. And I never plan on doing that."

He didn't respond, instead he just smiled, held onto my hand very tight, and kissed me on the top of my head. A little while later, he fell asleep lying down across my lap as I softly played with his hair.

Once he was sound asleep, I silently cried- as to not wake him up- and finished up with my drink, feeling the effects of the alcohol taking effect. Although I was somewhat crying, I ultimately felt safe under Ashton.

While I tried to fall asleep, I prayed that in the morning I would wake up, and this would all have just been a terrible, terrible dream.

• • •

Hey everyone!

I hope you're all doing amazing and that you're able to take some time today for your mental health❤️ because it's very very important and I want the best for you all.

QOTD: What is your favorite color to wear??

>>> I like wearing olive green and black, but tbh I also love the color mustard-yellow.

Be safe and wash yo hands!!

Stay beautiful,
Briella<3