Chapter Seventeen

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**Crystal's POV**

"And um, w-what was her name again?" My mom stuttered out. She had been in a distant trance since I told her who Connor was. Her eyes seemed empty, hollow even. Tears fell haphazardly from them, as if she wasn't even present enough to realize she was crying.

I had set Connor up in front of the TV while my mom was still taking in the initial shock. It would be best if he didn't see her like this. My mom and I went into a different room and sat down across from each other.

I had been holding back my tears to the absolute best of my abilities, but I wasn't too successful. Not that she would have even noticed.. as I was telling her the story I sometimes wondered if she could even hear what I was saying.

It took a little while to get through the whole story, but when I finally finished, it was silent for a minute or two. I knew she'd probably react like this, utterly heartbroken... but now that I was seeing it play out in person, it felt like someone had driven a knife right through my heart and into my soul.

"Cassidy," I responded with a heavy heart. For the first time, she wiped the tears from her face.

"He never told me about a Cassidy," she commented, and I wondered if she intended for me to hear it. She always blamed herself for what happened, much like how I always had... and still do in some ways. It seemed like she thought that if she had known about Cassidy, she could have prevented all of this.

It was hypocritical for me to say this, but she was constantly blaming herself for things that were not her fault, nor able to be prevented by her. And it honestly hurt to watch. It hurt to watch her always tearing herself apart in one way or another.

"Honey... I am so sorry you had to experience this," she started crying more. "You don't deserve this. No one deserves this. I'm so sorry."

"I'm okay. I mean it. I'll heal from it. But m-mom, I need you to listen to me," I continued to hold back my tears as she looked back up at me. "I can't take him with me. I need to leave him here with you. I'm in college," I started, "but I need to know that you'll be okay. I need to know that you won't turn back to drinking."

When I said this, it looked like it struck a pain deep in her chest. I knew that she understood I was right in my saying this, but the undeniable regret, guilt, and sorrow that filled her expression was almost tangible in the air.

"I love you, mom. I really do. But you kinda fucked me up a little," I said to her, "sorry for swearing... but Connor can't have anything else wrong with his family. He just can't."

"Crystal," she cut me off, adjusting herself in her seat and looking deep into my eyes. "I was a mess. I was a terrible, horrible mess and it haunts me every day what I put you through," she said through her tears. "I will not make the same mistakes with him. I promise you everything I will stay true to this."

I didn't want to admit to her that a part of me didn't believe her. She had made that promise countless times before, and I believed her every time. But I knew that this time was different. Connor carried a weight that in the moments back then, I hadn't. I believed her, but I knew I would have to check up every once in a while just to make sure.

"Okay," I responded with a nod and hesitantly gave her a small smile. "I'm going to let you have the night to take everything in, I guess I'll drop him off to you tomorrow before I head back to school.. I'd stay here tonight with you but I promised someone I'd get them apples- it's a long story," I said as we stood up.

"Well, do you have to go right now?" She asked me, and I frowned.

"No, I'll stay a bit," I replied, reaching up and rubbing her shoulder to comfort her. I brought her into a hug, and she hugged me back very tightly.

"I'm so sorry mom," I said sadly into her hair as she silently cried into my shoulder.

I stayed there for probably another hour just talking with her and comforting her and getting her and Connor to know each other. I only left when I felt likeshe was doing a little better and would be able to make it through the night as least depressed as possible.

When I finally said goodbye, I took Connors hand in mine and plastered on a happy face for him. Him and my mom had gotten along very well, and I honestly felt pretty comfortable leaving him with her. She offered to deal with the legality of it all, and me being the lazy and anxious college student I was, excitedly took her up on her offer.

She had commented multiple times about how much Connor looked like John, and she was right. It was honestly trippy as fuck.

Once I had buckled Connor into his seat and taken my place in the drivers seat, I took a few deep breaths before backing out of the driveway. It felt good having that off my chest. I now felt like I could deal with everything going on. I felt re-centered, and I honestly just needed to get my mind off of things now before I dove back into a dark hole. I hesitantly turned on the radio, allowing it to play softly.

Everything would be okay. I just needed to keep moving forward and focus on being there for Connor in any way I could.

"I like Grandma," Connor told me enthusiastically, and I smiled.

"She really likes you, too," I responded. "You're gonna be with her for a while."

"I am?"

"Yeah, it'll be so much fun," I responded brightly.

"Are you gonna leave me?" He asked. Technically, yes, I was going back to school. I knew what he meant, though. And I wasn't going to leave him like his mommy.

"No, sweetie. I'm not going anywhere," I told him reassuringly.

When we finally got back to the house, I noticed that there were more cars in the driveway than usual. I picked up Connor and held him at my side as I approached the door.

"CRYS!!!" I heard Kevin yell as soon as I walked in the door. Wait... Kevin??

"Wh- what the hell??" I immediately smiled as I looked around at everyone. Scarlett, Savanah, Kevin, Eli; they were all here. I let Connor back down onto the ground as I laughed and hugged them all.

"Group hug!" Kevin exclaimed, and despite protests by Eli, Ashton, and Savanah, somehow managed to force us all into one squished bundle. I laughed again at their variety of expressions. Ashton, in particular, looked like he wanted to die.

"How did you all- why did- how-?" I looked around at them when Kevin let us all pull apart, still wearing a smile.

"We wanted to be here for you, girl. Back here like the good old days," Vanah told me with a smile.

"I've never been in Ashton's house, though, actually," Scarlett commented matter-of-factly.

"Yes, well, most people haven't," Ashton replied, sitting back down on the couch and putting his feet up on the coffee table. Scarlett quickly shooed his feet off of the coffee table and placed store-bought cookies there instead. He looked up at her dumbfounded.

"This is my house," he said and she responded, but I was too busy chuckling at the two of them to hear.

"This is Connor," I said to everyone, introducing him to anyone that hadn't met him already.

The four of them went to say hi and introduce themselves to Connor, and I stepped away to say hi to Ashton. He smiled up at me as I sat down on the couch next to him. His genuine smile as he looked at me made my heart happy.

"Hey, how did everything go?" He asked.

"It was hard, but she took it fairly well- all things considered. I'm dropping Connor off with her tomorrow morning before we head out," I told him, and he nodded.

"That's good news," he responded, brushing my hair behind my shoulder.

"Yeah, it is," I replied with a small smile.

"We're gonna be okay," he added. It sounded more like he was trying to convince himself, though. I nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek, before reaching and grabbing two cookies. He thought I had gotten one for him and one for me, but I actually had just gotten two for myself.

I looked around at my friends and smiled. They were all talking and goofing around, Kevin underneath Jake and Connor, who had just tackled him. I noticed Eli pick up Layla and throw her over his shoulder, and she let out a startled laugh. I thought it was really nice how closed Eli was with Ashton's family.

I asked Vanah how Justin #1 was doing, and I guess he was doing fine. Technically Justin #1 was now the only Justin, but I had called him Justin #1 in my head too many times to think about him any other way. He went to a school out of state, so they didn't see each other too often.

"Here's to Crystal," Vanah raised her beer after a while of everyone talking and having fun. "For moving her sorry-ass to California and starting this dynasty of a friend group."

"I'll drink to that," Kevin said from the ground, and I chuckled to myself as everyone took a sip of their drink.

"Was that a nice, crisp sip of water?" I asked Ashton next to me, he rolled his eyes as I laughed.

"I've actually been getting into lemonade lately, weirdly enough," he said matter-off-factly.

"Oooo I love lemonade, I used to make it homemade with my dad-" I cut myself off, the memory cutting through my mind, almost as if I had forced myself to forget about it until that moment.

I saw him notice this sudden change in emotions, but I quickly tried to brush it off. Taking a swig of my beer, I looked back up at him with a forced smile.

"You okay?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah, yeah totally. It just comes back in a wave once in a while is all," I told him, faking it till I'd make it.

"I get that," he said, and I knew it was true. He did get that. He got me.

I moved closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder. He scooped his arm around me and brought me closer in to him. I breathed in his scent, taking in his embrace as I reminded myself that tomorrow I would be saying goodbye for another while until we'd see each other again.

"Oh shit," I quickly popped up, realizing something. "The apples! Layla!" I got her attention. "I'm so sorry we forgot the apples."

"Oh- no it's totally fine! There's always another Sunday," she replied with a smile, but I shook my head.

"No, but I promised I'd get them for you today. Are they still open?" I asked her.

"Crystal," she smiled again, "it's completely fine. They're not open anymore but that doesn't matter cuz I don't need them now anyway," she told me. I could tell she was sincere, but she shouldn't have to have been.

She shouldn't have to be fine without her apples. I should've gotten her apples for her but I was too late. Connor shouldn't have to be growing up without any parents, but he was. My mom shouldn't have to grow old without the love of her life, but she did. I was too late for all of them. I was always just too late.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom," I told Ashton, feeling a panic attack coming on and not wanting to be selfishly dramatic in front of all my friends.

As I passed Layla, I noticed her giving me a worried look, before turning her gaze back over to Ashton. I didn't look back over to him, I didn't want anything to look too out of the normal.

They had went through the trouble to get all of my amazing, loving friends together here and I was being ungrateful and just thinking about myself and causing myself a panic attack for no goddamn reason. I mean, seriously what was wrong with me?! I didn't deserve these friends. I didn't deserve to have so much control over Ashton's happiness- I'd just turn it to shit like everything else.

A part of me knew this was all just in my head, but that didn't stop it from feeling so real. Too real. Once I was in the bathroom I chugged my drink, and once it was finished, I stared into the mirror. The world finally slowed down around my reflection. It was hard to recognize the girl staring back at me. I felt like a third person watching someone else look in the mirror. Someone who had people who loved her that I didn't deserve to have because I didn't know how to.

It wasn't much later before I heard a gentle knock on the door.

"Hey, can I come in?" Ashton asked through the door. I wiped my tears, hesitated, and opened it a little bit. When he came in, he immediately brought me into a hug.

"What's up?" He asked into my hair, and I tried to suppress my tears to the absolute best of my ability.

"Just your typical irrelevant anxious moment," I tried to shrug it off, but instead I made myself shake a little bit. He pulled away to look down at me. "I just- like- so much has happened.. my mind is just so swirly and like ahh," I tried to laugh it off, but I stopped myself when I felt it turning into a cry. "I'm sorry," it came out as a whisper.

"Don't ever apologize for feeling shit around me," he quoted myself back to me with a small smile, "I mean it. You are so strong, and you've been through hell the past, well, few years. And frankly, if you didn't cry about it sometimes then that would be worrying," he said, wiping a tear off my cheek with his thumb. I let out a shaky laugh and put my hands on top of his as he cupped my cheeks.

"You taught me how to love, and I swear I'll find a way to teach you how to love yourself... Because after everything you've been through and everything you've done for other people, you deserve it. You're my light, and you should be yours, too," he finished, and I let another tear slip out of my eyes as I smiled up at him. But this one wasn't from my anxiety. It also wasn't a purely happy tear. It felt as if it had come directly from within my soul, in a breathtaking way that I couldn't explain outside this captivating moment.

I reached up and brought my lips to his, kissing him with everything I had in me. And he kissed me back.

My dad always joked to me about how he would never approve of any boy I picked unless an "angel came to him" and told him that I had found my soulmate.

You should be proud of me, dad. I thought to myself. I found him.

• • •

Hey guys!

We love a good sappy chapter :)

QOTD: what is a weird, random life goal of yours??

>>> I've always wanted to read under a willow tree, and also go to the top of a beautiful hill and just yell at the top of my lungs...

Be safe and wash yo damn hands!

Stay you,
Briella<3

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