XLIV
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Crystal's POV ***

        It took a few days for the nausea subside from the alcohol poisoning... but the excruciatingly gross feeling that I had all over me from what happened never diminished one bit. I hadn't left my house in those few days, spending all my time with my mom and Connor. I FaceTimed with my friends, but a part of me was just downright scared to leave my house.

"Hey mom, I think I might go to Ashton's for a bit," I told her, and she looked up from the afternoon coffee she was drinking to smile at me.

"I think that's a great idea, sweetie," she replied, and I forced a smile back. She would never force me out of the house, but it was pretty obvious that she was starting to get worried that I never wanted to leave.

"Okay, see you in a bit then," I responded, reaching over to give her a little hug. My voice was really small. It had been since everything, honestly. It sort of felt like I was constantly experiencing a very minor panic attack at all times in the back of my mind.

I'd say that I was a very confident person, and you could typically see that in the way I carried myself. But not now. I honestly was acting like a different person.

I grabbed my keys and opened the door, taking a long pause before stepping outside. My anxiety spiked a bit once I shut the door behind me, and I began walking to my car. But then when I got next to it, I stopped. I just stared at it, remembering the last time I had been in there.

My breathing began to thicken and I knew that I would go downhill if I went inside, so I put my keys in my pocket and sat down against it. I felt my eyes burning a bit as I took out my phone to call Ashton.

"Hey," he picked up, and I held back my sigh of relief.

"Hey, uh, I was planing on coming over, but I'm, I-I can't drive right now.. do you think you could maybe pick me up?"

"I'm actually just stepped out with Jake, but Layla and Eli are back at the house, though... and actually I would love it if you could get in the way of whatever the hell they might plan on doing.. I'll be back there in like half an hour," he told me, and I nodded even though he couldn't see me. I didn't want to interrupt them two's fun, but they were living together now, anyway, and rarely had any time not together.

"Okay, I'll text her and ask if she's in the middle of anything," I grinned, and he grunted.

"Makes me want to vomit," he muttered at the thought of them two in fact being in the middle of something. I chuckled to myself.

"I'm sure they're just playing checkers," I mused, and he sarcastically laughed.

"You suck."

"You love me," I grinned back.

"The sad truth," he joked, and I laughed. It was crazy how much better he could make me feel just over the phone.

"I love you, say hi to Jake for me," I said.

"I love you, too. Tell Layla and the other one I said to keep a three foot distance between each other at all times, please," he replied, and I rolled my eyes.

"I'll sit in between them for you," I joked.

"You're not three feet wide, though" he said.

"You're ridiculous," I told him, and we hung up after saying bye.

I texted Layla, and she told me that Eli was in the shower and that I was all good to come over. I didn't want to ask Layla to come get me, but I also didn't want to have a panic attack in the middle of driving, so I took a deep breath and asked my mom if she could drive me- trying to sound as casual as possible.

We talked about our plans for thanksgiving tomorrow- which basically just consisted of the three of us eating a bunch of food that none of us knew how to make. It was definitely going to be a fun challenge to make all of it together.

When I got out of the car, I waved and she drove off. I smiled to myself as I walked up to my second home. Layla opened the door before I could even knock, beaming at me and bringing me in for a hug. I chuckled and hugged her back.

"I missed you!" She greeted me, and I smiled.

"I missed you, too," I replied and we pulled away.

"I just made pancakes, thank God you came- I made way too many," she told me as we walked inside.

"I'm not that hungry, thank you though," I felt myself shrinking down a bit again, even as I tried to maintain a happy expression.

But of course Layla, being a master of this herself, immediately noticed and stopped us in our tracks.

"What's wrong? Did something happen or are you still just shaken up from everything?" She asked, and I looked down.

"Where's Eli?" I asked, showing her that I didn't really want him to hear what I was about to say.

"Sounds like he just finished showering but he's still in there," she looked over to the bathroom, and I nodded. I walked over to the bathroom door and banged on it pretty loudly.

"Hey, Eli!" I got his attention, definitely startling him in the process.

"Crystal??" He asked, a bit surprised to hear me.

"Back from the dead," I confirmed with a grin and he laughed, "I'm here, so don't come out bare-ass-naked or anything, K?"

"You got it," he replied, and I chuckled to myself before Layla and I made our way up to her room. Once we were inside, she shut the door and brought us over to her bed.

"Okay, so what's up?" She asked once we're were both sitting on top of it, facing each other.

Layla was really the only person I felt comfortable telling. I told Ashton because my soul needed to if it didn't want to collapse, but not because I necessarily wanted to.

"When they brought me into the hospital, I had bruises all over me, and they thought that they were accidentally self inflicted," I started, looking down and stumbling over my words a bit. "But they weren't." She was looking at me intently as I continued.

"I don't know if anyone ever told you about him, but when we were all in high school there was this boy who clearly has some dangerous undiagnosed mental illnesses, and he believed that I ruined his life by taking his friends away from him- even though it was obviously his fault because he tried to... have his way with me and the guys obviously didn't let him," I told her, and her eyes widened a little.

"His name is George, and um, he uh," I paused, feeling myself start to shake a little bit as I tried to suppress the memories violently resurfacing. "And when I was drunk he stumbled upon me and..." my voice trailed off into a sad whisper, not able to finish the sentence.

When I looked up and met her eyes, though, I knew that she immediately knew what I couldn't bring myself to say. Tears were in her eyes as she pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back.

Ashton once told me that hugs feel better when they're from people who know what it's like to truly need them... and Layla's hug made me feel as though she knew what it was like to need hugs even more than Ashton did. She knew exactly the kind of dead weight and heavy sorrow I was carrying with me because of what happened, and as we sat there hugging, our souls sort of felt as one.

When we eventually pulled away again, she held my hands comfortingly and looked over my face sympathetically.

"I'm so sorry," she told me, and I knew she meant it from the bottom of her heart. I knew she never wanted to see anyone go through what she did, but here she was anyway.

"I'm scared," I told her, some tears falling from my eyes. She nodded, understanding perfectly.

"Do you know what you want to do?" She asked gently, and I shook my head.

"I want to report it, and I want him to rot in jail... but I don't want to have to keep talking about it and having to prove that I'm telling the truth. It already is haunting me enough without everyone in my world focusing in on it and other people doubting me or shaming me. I didn't fucking ask for this. I just want it to go away like it never happened," I cried, and she nodded again, a tear of her own falling down. "I feel eternally violated, and lost... like I'm trapped in a cage I didn't walk into."

"I understand completely," Layla spoke, also a bit emotional. "That's exactly how I felt. How I still feel."

"How did you move forward? How did you put it in your past?" I asked her, taking one of my hands out of hers to wipe off some of my burning tears.

"I never did, to be honest. I still live with it every day," she admitted, a few tears falling of her own. "I still get the nightmares, and I still can't do certain things or think of certain things without getting overwhelmingly triggered. Layla Monroe died when it happened, and ever since then I've just been trying to bring her back to life and be her again. I know that she'll be again some day, though, and I guess that's what keeps me going. Everything passes with time," she went on, and I stared at her deeply, her words really resonating with me.

Everything passes with time..

I had told myself that a lot throughout the years when I was in various anxious situations. I had always found the idea that we were chained down to time as it continuously moved forward to be very comforting for some reason.

"Does it stop hurting so much?" I choked out.

"I don't really know," she answered honestly. "But you have us to help ease any of the pain. I don't think it's that it goes away, but rather it starts to feel lighter because you grow stronger and stop constantly feeling yourself carrying it," she explained her thoughts, and honestly felt as though she was speaking to my soul.

"Does my brother know?" She asked, and I nodded.

"I told him in the hospital. I just know that it's absolutely crushing him inside," I replied.

"There's nothing you can do about that, though," she reminded me, and I realized she was right. "Focus on yourself," she told me, and I nodded. She brought me in for another hug.

"I hate that this happened to us. So much," she said into my shoulder as I cried silently into hers.

"Me too," I brought myself to say.

"We have each other though. Even if my brother is ever a jackass, we'll have each other," she told me, rubbing my back comfortingly. "You're the sister I never had." I smiled when she said this.

"Shut up. You're gonna make me cry even more," I laugh-cried, and she laughed as well.

We eventually pulled away from our hug and talked a bit more, about what happened, about life. She never really opened up to anyone about this kind of stuff, so I felt honored to be the one she entrusted with her feelings. She was honestly the strongest person I knew.

"Hey Layla?" Eli knocked on the bedroom door.

"Go away ya big lug! We're having a girl talk," Layla called out to him, and I laughed. I heard him laughing, too.

"I was just letting you guys know that Ashton and Jake are back and they brought donuts," he said, and both of our eyes lit up.

"We'll be there in a sec!" She told him and we smiled softly at each other.

"Donuts definitely help me forget about everything, I don't know about you," she said to me, and I chuckled.

"Definitely," I agreed, and she took her remaining hand out of mind to pull her hair into a messy bun.

"We should have a sleepover tonight just us two and kick the boys out," she said and her eyes lit up again.

"I like that idea," I smiled. We hadn't really hung out too much just us, but I think it would be really nice.

When we went downstairs and into the kitchen, I smiled when I saw Ashton pretending to steal Jake's donut repeatedly, causing Jake to hysterically laugh and swat his hand away. Eli looked up at Layla with a look in his eyes that showed just how in love he was.

We at least lucked out in the boyfriend department, I'd say...

"We should go on a double date some time," Layla thought out loud, and Ashton basically choked on his water.

"I'd rather stab myself with a fork," he told her, and she laughed.

"Well then we can go somewhere without silverware," Layla replied.

"We can go on a double date and Crystal and I will stay in between you two the entire time, if you want," Ashton offered sarcastically, and Layla rolled her eyes at him.

"I'm already always fifth wheeling," Jake complained from his chair, and all of us bursted into laughter. We didn't know how he even knew what that was.

We all talked and had a good time together, and honestly, even just being with them lifted my heart so much. We had built such a sense of belonging with each other over all our time together, and we all had such a mutual understanding and love for one another.

After about an hour or so, we invited Scarlett, Savanah, and Kevin over, too. We tried again at charades, and Eli and Layla honestly gave Ashton and I a run for our money. We still came out victorious, though.

Me and Layla's plan to have a fun girls sleepover actually worked out perfectly, because her and the girls offered to come and help out me and my mom with our thanksgiving food- considering the fact that we both absolutely sucked at doing it ourselves. My dad had been the good cook in the family, and this was the first year we were actually celebrating it since he passed.

The boys were caught a little of guard when the four of us basically up-and-left them, but we left without much time for them to ask about when we all planned to sleepover my house. Honestly, I didn't really know when we had planned it either, it was a weird sort of telepathic plan we all made together.

Layla drove us to my house, and even though I feared slightly for my life due to her driving skills, I didn't even mind. My mom was surprised when we all showed up, but she was really happy about it. It had been a while since she had done remotely anything like this- having fun and baking some deserts with me and my friends.

After my mom and Connor went to bed, the four of us did face masks in our room and just talked for hours.

Layla and Savanah prank-called each other's ex-Justins, and Scarlett and I had to hold pillows over our faces to keep from bursting into laughter in the background.

And I loved every second of it.

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Hey guys :)

QOTD: What is your comfort song??

>>> I think 'Fix You' by Coldplay will always be the song that feels the most like a warm hug to me.

ALSO!!! incase you didn't see the message I posted, I made an Instagram account for my books!! I'm so so so excited and it's going to be such a fun time on there with you guys. The username is @Briella.diamond :)

Stay beautiful,
Briella<3