~Thursday January 13th~

My drive home is completely mundane, besides the fact that I'm a bit extra tired from the difficult class. When I do get home, I change out of my leotard and tights before going back downstairs for dinner. I'm usually not too hungry after class, but I eat a small dinner anyway. Afterwards, I head back upstairs to get ready for bed, taking out my hair, taking off my makeup, and brushing my teeth. Regretfully, I still have math homework that I need to do for tomorrow morning, so I grab the worksheet from my bag and sit down on my bed.

About ten minutes in, I can't stand it anymore. My head keeps running, thinking back to earlier today and all the signs of Riley's eating disorder that I should've seen way sooner. I should have noticed how skinny she was, how the meals she had at the studio were always light and how she often went to the bathroom right after eating. All of these should have been obvious signs that a good friend would have noticed right away. I could have helped her.

I pick up my phone and decide to send Riley a text. I type, "How are you doing?" and hit send. I have to force myself to put my phone down and continue working instead of staring at my phone until she replies. Five minutes later I feel a buzz reverberate across my mattress and immediately pick up my phone.

"I'm okay. I'm in the hospital right now, but I'm only staying here tonight. Tomorrow morning I'm going to a rehabilitation center. I'm gonna get better Theresa. I'm going to be okay." I can't help but start crying when I read this. Even though she must feel like a physical and emotional wreck right now, she's staying positive and optimistic, even assuring me that she'll get better when I should be the one assuring her. And I know it's because she knows that she can't dance again until she's back at one hundred percent that's encouraging her to stay positive and fight this with everything she's got.

"Can I visit you tomorrow after school?" I send back immediately.

"Of course! I don't know what the visiting times are yet but I'll get my daily schedule when I arrive tomorrow morning, so I'll let you know."

"Perfect. I'll see you then?"

"I'll be there <3" I put my phone down and stare down at my math homework. After a couple seconds I realize that it's completely useless to try to do work before I let it all out so I can calm down. Putting my pencil down, I rest my forehead in my hands and close my eyes, finally letting my tears out without having to restrain myself. My shoulders begin to shake as I let my thoughts get to me, taunting me about how bad of a friend I am.

Suddenly my phone begins to vibrate again, but this time instead of one vibration there are several. I wipe my eyes and look down at my phone and am surprised to see "that-hot-guy-who-got-you-a-detention" across the top of the screen on my phone. I take a couple deep breaths and hope that my voice won't be too shaky before picking it up.

"Hello?" To my disappointment my voice wavers more than I had hoped it would, but he very easily could simply not notice.

"Hey Teresina, it's Noah," he responds, strangely since I obviously know it was him from his contact name.

"What's up?" I say with a small sniffle, urging him to continue before I break down.

"I was wondering if you're free for another tutoring session tomorrow, since we have a test next Tuesday?" He asks, his voice growing quieter at the end. I think about it for a second, before remembering that I've already committed to visiting Riley tomorrow.

"Sorry Noah, I've got a, uh, thing tomorrow." Now my voice is wavering and shaking past my control. A stray tear rolls down my cheek and I quickly move the phone away from my face so I can sniffle without him hearing.

"Are you okay?" Noah says softly after being silent for a moment.

"I'm fine," I reply too quickly, biting my lip to conceal a sob when I remember that's what Riley said earlier today, when she was absolutely not fine. There's no way he's actually going to buy that I'm fine, so I have to come up with some kind of coverup. "Look, I'm sorry, I just had a really long day. We can meet some other time, just not tomorrow. I'll talk to you tomorrow morning," I say as quickly and as calmly as I can before immediately hanging up. I feel a little bad for not even letting him respond, but I also really didn't want to hear what he would have for a response. I place my phone back down and try yet again to focus on this math worksheet, even if derivatives and integrals are the last two things I want to be thinking about right now. Just as I pick up my pencil, my phone vibrates yet again from where it sits face down next to my lap.

"Are you sure you're alright?" A text from Noah.

"I'll be fine, I just had a long day," I respond immediately.

"Okay, goodnight."

"Goodnight." I set my phone down for hopefully the last time and decide it's now or never. I need to power through this stupid worksheet and ignore any distractions that come at my while I do so.

I finish the paper without being disturbed and immediately put it away in my backpack, sighing in relief that I've finished all my work and can go to bed. However, laying down in the dark with nothing to divert my attention from my own thoughts, I can't help but continue to hate myself for not being able to help Riley sooner. I told myself that if any of my friends were ever in any kind of trouble or had any type of illness, I would do everything in my power to save them. But I almost failed Riley. I wasn't even the reason why we found out, it was more her that made it obvious than anything else.

Though I thought I had gotten it all out of my system, I fall asleep crying.

~~~~~~

~Thursday January 13th~

The next morning is rough, to say the least. My eyes are puffy and the bags beneath them need a little more concealer than usual. But, I manage to look pretty much like normal me after a couple minutes in the bathroom.

Later that morning, I'm sitting in my usual math class chair. Most of the class is here, but Mrs Linn hasn't turned up yet so I look through my phone to spend the couple minutes left before class will begin. Another figure walks in the door and I look up, expecting to see Mrs Linn. Instead, I'm met with sapphire blue eyes that meet mine and immediately turn concerned. Hopefully my makeup skills have pulled off the cover up of how tough last night was. Noah sits down in the seat right next to me, tossing his backpack on the floor next to the chair. He immediately turns towards me, so I lock my phone, anticipating a conversation.

"Are you good?" He asks softly.

"I'm good now," I reply with a small smile.

"Hey if you... if you need anything," he scratches the back of his neck nervously, "I can, you know..."

"Thanks Noah," I say succeeding in holding in a laugh at how shy and embarrassed he's acting - the complete opposite of who he was just days ago. But what changed?

"I know it's not really my place but, uh, do you want to talk about it?" Keep it together, Theresa. I think about if I want to do this or not, and decide that I probably won't last if I try to. Nevertheless, I feel tears pricking the back of my eyes. It's too similar to last time. I can't do this again.

"It's okay, I'll get over it. Thank you though," I try to sound as sincere as possible, truly grateful for his offer but not in the emotional state to explain it without crying in the middle of math class. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm going to cry. I try to cover my face with my hand by pretending to scratch my forehead and looking down at my desk. The last thing I need is for him to see me cry.

"Okay," he says softly. I watch from the corner of my eye as he tilts his gaze away from me and a muscle in his jaw jumps out slightly.

~~~~~

Written 5/10/18, Published 4/20/18

I don't really have much so say. Eh. Guess I just end it here then.
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