Best Funeral Ever

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You stood in between Klaus and Vanya as a sharp wind blew your hair aside. Grace walked out of the house to join you, her eyes wandering.

"Did something happen?" she asked sweetly, smiling at nothing in particular.

"Dad died. Remember?"

"Oh, yes, of course," she said slowly, her smile fading as she looked at the ground.

"Come closer, lil sis," Klaus said, tugging you under his tiny, pink-rimmed umbrella. "Don't want you getting sick right after you woke up, do we?"

"You can stop calling me that, you know," you said, linking your arm with his. "I'm the same age as you."

You tuned back into the conversation.

"Whenever you're ready, dear boy," Pogo said solemnly, and you watched as Luther walked forward with the urn. The ashes fell limply to the ground, already dampening in the rain.

"Probably would have been better with some wind," Luther said awkwardly, shuffling back into place. Klaus snickered, elbowing you.

"I knocked like, half of daddy's ashes over a while ago," he mumbled, and you giggled before slapping a hand over your mouth.

First of all, it shouldn't be funny, and second of all, you sound like a little girl, you scolded yourself.

"Stop calling him that," you whispered, unable to hide your smile. "He probably wouldn't appreciate it."

"Exaaaactly."

You grinned and turned to him.

"I missed you, you know. Like, the real you, not the one in my head."

He smiled, pulling you into a hug.

"Missed you too, lil sis."

You realized Pogo was making a speech, and quickly faced him again.

"He was my master and my friend, and I shall miss him very much. He leaves behind a complicated legacy-"

"He was a monster," Diego interrupted.

"Can you shut up for, I don't know, two seconds?" you spit as Klaus laughed. Diego turned to you, raising his eyebrows.

"He was a bad person and a worse father," he said, his voice lowering. "The world is better off without him."

"Maybe," you conceded. "But he still was our father. And even if he was a pretty dang crappy one, that doesn't mean to get to talk shit about him at his funeral. Look, if you walked inside after and held a party because of his death, I wouldn't mind. But the old man just died, and all you can do is berate him? The only reason you're doing it now is because you were too scared to do it while he was alive." You took a step forward, glaring at him. "You were always scared of him."

Diego's fists clenched, and Klaus pulled you back to his side.

"Easy, tiger," he whispered. "I know you two don't exactly get along, but he could crush you, kiddo."

"I'm not a kid," you snapped back as Diego spoke again.

"My name is Number Two. You know why? Because our father couldn't be bothered to give us actual names. He had Mom do it." He glared at you. "You were a kid when Allison made you fall asleep. You still think of him as your father. The rest of us? We've moved on. So yeah, I was scared of him. We all were. Isn't that why you tried to run away with your little boyfriend, Eight?"

Five, who was on the other side of Klaus, scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"You should stop talking now," Luther said menacingly as your face flamed.

"Would anyone like anything to eat?" Grace asked, clasping her hands in front of her with a polite smile. You turned to face her, brows furrowed.

"No, it's ok, Mom," you said slowly.

"Oh, ok," she responded, returning to staring at the sky.

Diego sighed, turning back to Luther.

"Look, you wanna pay your respects? Go ahead. But at least be honest about the kind of man that he was."

"You should really stop talking now," Luther growled, stepping closer to him.

"You know," Diego said, spinning on his heel and pacing, "you of all people should be on my side here, Number One."

"I am warning you."

"After everything he did to you? He had to ship you a thousand miles away." Diego smiled mockingly at him.

"Diego, stop talking." You shook your head, knowing this wouldn't end well.

"That's how much he couldn't stand the sight of you!" He poked him firmly in the chest with each word.

Klaus sighed, shaking his head.

"And three, two, one..." Klaus made a little explosion sound as the two boys lunged for one another.

"Boys, stop this at once!" Pogo scolded, shaking his cane at them.

"Come on, big boy!" Diego roared. He groaned as Luther threw him to the ground, standing up quickly and pounding his fists on Luther's back.

"Stop it!" Vanya shouted, and you took her hand reassuringly.

"This is normal for them, remember?" you said. "They'll both be fine." Vanya nodded slowly, meeting your eyes.

"Thanks."

"Hit him! Hit him!" Klaus cheered, pumping his fists in the air.

"Get... off... me!" Diego shouted, shoving Luther away.

"Whoa," Klaus said, putting his arms across you and Five. Five scoffed, glaring up and him and shoving his arm away. You simply stepped in front of it, rolling your eyes.

"We don't have time for this," Five grumbled, walking inside.

"Come here, big boy!" Diego shouted again as you started to follow him, done watching the pointless struggle.

"Oh..." Klaus muttered, and you turned to see Luther punching the statue of Ben.

"And there goes Ben's statue," Allison said dryly.

You sighed, rubbing your forehead and staggering inside.

"Diego, no!" A moment later, Luther came running into the house, dashing a different way when he saw you. You couldn't help but peer back outside, curious.

"You never know when to stop, do you?" Vanya asked tiredly.

"You got enough material for your sequel yet?" Diego fired back, and you stepped outside.

"He was her father too, Diego. Shut it," you spit.

He scoffed.

"Says the one who tried to leave this family and then lay in bed for 16 years," Diego snarled. "You know, sometimes I wish I had finished you off that day in the pit."

Suddenly, Five flashed in front of him, pointing a finger in his face.

"I think you've said enough, Diego." He spat his brother's name out like it tasted bad. "How about we all go inside now, hmm?"

His eyes met yours again briefly, but Five shoved him and turned to look at you. You bit your lip so hard it hurt, a million hateful comments piling on your tongue.

"You too," he said, but his tone was softer. "Come inside, Eight."

You sighed, looking away.

"Sorry, thanks for that. I'll be in in a second." Five's gaze lingered on you for a moment, but then he nodded and walked off.

You approached the ashes, standing next to Klaus.

"I bet you're loving this, hmm?" It took you a second to realize he was talking to your father's remains. "The team at it's best." He snuffed his cigarette out in your father's ashes.

"It's just like old times," you added, turning to look at Klaus. You both burst into a fit of giggles after a moment, high-fiving each other.

"Best. Funeral. Ever!" Klaus cried, pulling you into the building.

As you walked, you suddenly remembered a test your dad had put you through, many years ago.

You scampered up the stairs, hot on Diego's heel. You felt tempted to grab the back of his shirt and yank him backwards, but resisted the urge.

I'm going to win this fair and square.

Although Vanya didn't participate, your father made you, in hopes of triggering your ability. You were going to show him that you didn't need one to be the winner - all you had to do was be human.

You overtook Diego, letting a smile stretch across your face as-

"Ow!" you shouted, tearing the dagger pinning your shirt to the wall away from you. It came away slightly bloody. "What the heck, Diego?"

"He adapted," your father called, and Diego turned to smile at you evilly.

"Yeah, I adapted, Number Eight!"

You clenched your jaw, tossing the knife behind you and running forward again.

From up ahead, Five turned back, his eyes finding yours. He hesitated, looking forward and then backward again, before flashing next to you. He placed a finger to his lips before flashing you right next to Diego, letting himself fall behind.

"What the..." Diego breathed, turning to look at you in awe. "How did you get here so fast?"

"I adapted," you remarked with a fake smile, powering ahead of him. However, at the last second, Five flashed beside you. You raised an eyebrow and he grinned, charging forward.

"Let's see who wins."

You smiled.

"Challenge accepted, Five."


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