A/N: NOT EDITED... you may need a tissue...

Chapter 40 – Rainy POV

Slower. We'd have to go slower. Inch the children into new things. Right now we had been going at morph speed and the issues, the side effects were showing. Noticeable. Damaging. I slept worse here with freedom than I ever had in that basement. Things that had never happened were happening now, Kayla screaming bloody murder during the nights, never happened in the basement. Keith sleepwalking, heading for the stairs never happened, granted his foot was chained to a wall preventing it.

Me heading out after Chris... not something I thought would ever happen either but I had, not because he was my mate but there was a small part of me that wasn't blackened and damaged that remembered who he was too me. That part, small, teamed with who he had been since we've all been back, won over the scared ghost of myself. I had felt it, seen it, through him.

My mate.

What he had done to Tomas.

Logan blocked me, Chris however didn't. I saw how Tomas acted, what he said, I saw inside my mates head, his thoughts, how the anger and grief churned away at him until he couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't handle the coldness that was inside of Tomas, the dirtiness that had been cultivated.

Chris' breaking point, an abuser crying for his child not to be hurt while he demeaned and abused others. He snapped. His mind went to a dark place that was darker, colder than any of the men eyes I've looked into.

I had once too been in that position. I was in that position. I just couldn't do what Chris had, nor would I want too. He thought himself a monster after, crumbling in the shower, weeping for us, begging for strength when I once thought he was the strongest person I knew, besides Logan.

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"What has you so deep in thought?" Juliet asked me, trying to – to ... I don't know. I knew that talking would help, but the larger part of me wasn't ready to face it all just when I was released. "I'm thinking about Chris..."

"Anything in particular?"

"He castrated Tomas," I said monotone.

"Does that bother you?"

I thought about it, did his actions bother me? No. Yes. Not really. "I'm afraid of my answer," I whispered honestly.

"Why?"

"I don't ever want to be like one of those men, the ones that hurt us."

"DO you think Chris is like those men?"

My eyes flashed, I was instantly angry, she didn't know Chris, and he wasn't like those men at all, "No." I said my teeth gritting together.

"They some... made it a game to hurt us, watching, sometimes it was systematic. I don't want to turn around and do the same. I – I want them all to pay – pay for what they did to us, I do. But I don't want it done that way. I don't want to inflict pain physically on them." She didn't answer me right away or even make a comment on what I was saying. I knew what went on in that basement was wrong, that it deserved punishment but I guess I had my own idea of retribution.

"Have you spoken about this with Logan? Or Chris?"

"They wouldn't understand..." I shook my head, I don't think even I understood. I frowned avoiding her eyes, picking at the pants I was wearing.

"Are you afraid to tell them what you want?"

My hand froze, as I thought about it, was I afraid? Yes. Someone what. But they couldn't - wouldn't see it my way.

"I want justice and I want it all to go away quickly," I murmured starting off simple.

"Two things that aren't black and white?" she asked, breaking my thoughts down even further. I nodded, "When – when I was down there... the things – sometimes they spoke as though I wasn't even there."

"What do you mean?"

"I lost my wolf senses early on, so I couldn't always tell if the people – the men were shifters or humans. But that didn't matter, hurt was hurt and pain was pain," I stopped taking a deep breathe, I was already shaking, Juliet handed me a box of tissues. Holding one for her self.

"I lost track of time, but I lost hope first. It didn't take long to realize after what he had shown me that no one was coming to rescue me. At first, I thought he was delusional, and that one of the men he brought would help me because, all the grown up men I'd interacted with, were more or less like Chris. Kind and loving. Nothing like the monsters he brought..." Juliet nodded, not speaking letting me take my time, organize my thoughts.

"I'm not sure when this was but once... one came and – and his phone rang... I – I remember contemplating if I should scream or do something, but I'd tried that before," I shuddered when I remember the consequences of that little experiment.

"He picked it up, and – and he starting speaking like I wasn't there. Like he hadn't just hurt me, the phone was on speaker as he dressed and it was a girl. She called him, complaining because her – she didn't – her mom wouldn't let her go to her first school dance with a date. He said – said that she wasn't old enough, she was only thirteen y – years old..." I swallowed, my vision blurring.

"She whined, and he chuckled, 'there'll be more dances sweetheart...' that's what he told her," I inhaled shakily. My heart was racing, hurting, aching inside my chest, but I had to get through this, so I could explain the rest.

"It was shocking to you?" Juliet asked me.

I closed my eyes trying to find the words, because while it was shocking and hard pill to swallow, it was a pivotal changing moment for me, "I think... that's when it changed for me." I said carefully.

"I don't understand... what you do mean 'changed?'"

"I was feeling so many things but this changed all that, it's what made me think the way that I do about torturing them, all the different abusers..."

"Him speaking like you weren't there?"

I scoffed, rolling my teary eyes, "No. He spoke to her and when she passed the phone to her mother she told him that she loved him, and then, he spoke to his wife, lying about where he was and she told him she loved him as well!" I said in disgust. "Can you believe that?" I said squeezing my fists on my thigh.

"They loved that – that monster!" I let the tears fall, shaking my head back and forth, "and – and as I listened to him speaking to them, it – it all j-just changed for – for me," I gasped, trying to get air inside because I felt like I was being suffocated.

"Hold your breath Rainy, count to five and then release it," Juliet coached me, and the white edges that were increasing slowly dissipated, "that's it."

I nodded, already tired, but wanting to continue. "I used to wish the worst for those men, dying in a horrid accident, murdered, burned alive, even – even what Chris did. Because without a penis they couldn't harm me, but that one call..." I sobbed, unable to hold them in any longer, my breathing unraveling as swiftly as I lost control.

"I – I – I nee-neeed," I could hardly ask for what I wanted so I shouted, as loud as I could, summoning Chris but Logan as well.

It didn't take long until I heard both their frantic voices, and Chris was next to me, Logan the other side, both demanding that Juliet tell them what was wrong, but I shook my head, reaching for their hands. Holding them, squeezing as I closed my eyes, using their support to calm.

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"What happened Rainy?" Chris asked when I sagged against him, my mind still stuck on that one moment. I glanced at Juliet, giving her a small nod to explain.

"We were discussing Rainy's idea of retribution," her voice quiet.

"Is – is this about what I did?" Chris asked, pulling his hand from my, worried.

I nodded but shook my head right after, not meeting his eyes, standing, I went so I could face both of them, Juliet as well, "I've wanted what you did to happen, at one point, until –" I close my eyes letting them just see that moment, that phone call. Each released a growl, Chris' felt deep inside myself. The fury.

"I stopped wanting them to have some horrible death, being murdered, or anything as soon as they left after hurting me. It ate at me, that if something like that happened, all their families would think is what a wonderful person that man was... a loving father, dutiful husband, kind son, supportive friend," I cried hoping I was making sense, my hands clenched by my sides.

"I don't want their blood on my hands physically or metaphorically, I already have enough of their dirtiness on my body, I didn't – I don't want more," something flashed in all their eyes but it was gone quickly.

"So you want what? To let them live their lives after everything but-" I shook my head.

"I want everyone, every single person they have fooled, to know who they really are, more than I want them dead. Where is the justice is that?" I cried, the tears falling.

"You're going to go swooping in and out, and all their family will think is a good man died, a good man disappeared, he was such a 'loving father' speech given... how is killing them fair?" I shouted, angry.

"They won't do it to anyone else..." Logan murmured.

My eyes widened, "And I don't want them to, but they can't leave this earth without their family and friends knowing what monsters they were Bubba, it's like you're sweeping away what they did to us down there. We have to deal with the fallout of their actions, when they should be too!"

"He was protecting his child... he said she was too young to be around boys! What about me?" I pointed to my chest, "What about Kayla!?"

"I'm your father, it's my job to protect you!" I cried mockingly, "I know you're just protecting me dad."

I swiped at my cheeks, "The same man that said those words, when I was pregnant with Kayla, Michael and Bailey, that was protecting his daughter, told me just how much he paid in fucking advance to have Kayla! She wasn't even out of my stomach and he paid for her!" I shouted, but no one said anything.

"I want them to see it! I want them to be alive when their families learn what they are, what they've done all these years! I want each of them, with their own children, to watch as their children lose any and all respect for them!" I howled, crying, a snotty mess, swaying. Falling to my knees. An exhausted heap. "Those men... doctors... came to help me deliver those babies..."

"They – they humiliated us down there, took every thing they could..." I choked out.

I felt Chris approach me, pulling me against him, holding me, swaying be back and forth in his arms like a little child. Footsteps.

"I understand that's what you want Rainy, I understand now..." he murmured but I couldn't speak so I nodded. And at that moment, I couldn't hold it in any longer. Holding onto this tiny piece of information was eating at me, the comfort Chris was offering and what I was hiding left a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn't deserve any offering.

"I had a choice Chris..." I whispered, closing my eyes, inhaling his scent.

"What?" I could hear the confusion in his voice, tears falling down, wetting his shirt, now or never I told myself.

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CHRIS POV

We had already gone over this with, Rainy had no fault in anything that happened when she was prisoner, but this time, something in her voice told me to listen, not to dismiss or correct her right away. Her body language was also pushing me in that direction, she sagged against me, as though waving a white flag in surrender.

"The babies... I'm the one who decided to have them," my eyes once closed snapped open, but I didn't push Rainy away, my heart stopped but not because of what she said, it was the dread that choked me. Inside that head of hers, they had done real damage, disaster I hoped wasn't permanent. This was just the latest, and I could only sigh. What technique had they used to not only make this appear to be some decision she made, but one she should also take fault for.

"You decided?" I was going to be careful, get more information, "I couldn't let the babies starve... he said I could get them more food by deciding to have another baby..." and there it fucking is.

"Rainy... You had no choice, you were a child. Everything that happened, was done too you, to our children. Since he took you-"

She made a noise, unintelligible, it was slurred, as though she were on the edge of sleep. "What did you say?"

"Logan and I stopped having choices from the day Christi Colt abandoned us here..." she said yawning and easing her body closer to mine. I listened to her heart and breathing equal off, stunted by what she said.

Who was Christi Colt? I wondered. The name not sounding at all familiar.... How did Rainy know of this person? We had searched high and low, all packs, looking for any clues as to who abandoned two newborns at my hospital. Rainy had said that Seth was watching me long before she came around, was Christi Logan and Rainy's mother? I slowly got to my feet, tightening my grip on Rainy walking out to the hall and placing her in the room we were using for the nursery, kissing her forehead before standing and backing out of the room.

I went searching for Logan, which I didn't need to go far, he was outside in the backyard with his mate and Shavon.

"She okay?" he asked his eyes boring into mine. "She's asleep..." I countered. "It'd me a while before Rainy was okay by any standards."

He just nodded, "I came out here to ask if the name Christi Colt-" I stopped when his eyes widened when I said 'Colt,' huh... so the name did mean something to him? Right?

"You know her?"

"Where'd you hear that name?"

"From Rainy, she just said that you and her had no choices since you were abandoned by her. Do you know who that is?"

he shook his head, but I wasn't convinced, "Not her, but I know of the Colts..." he said his voice entirely preoccupied, I could tell he wasn't here.

"No. Fucking. Way." He cursed under his breath.

"What?"

"Christi Colt died almost 22 years ago, killed by Rian Colt, mate and wife of Jay Colt, sister – in – law to Harrison Colt." I'd never get over how fast Logan was able to get information, it's like he had someone at a computer at all times just finding shit for him.

He shook his head, put his hand on Abby and they were both gone leaving only Shavon and I outside, I chuckled.

"Whoa." She said monotone.

"How are you?" she asked and I rolled my eyes, "you mean since you asked me like four hours ago, and then six before that?" I teased.

"Deflecting," she murmured under her breath, but she wasn't derailed, "Did you get a chance to ask Rainy out on a date like you wanted?" I hung my head and shook it.

"No... I'm afraid too and it never seems like the right time... I don't want to push her, but I always don't want her thinking that I don't want her, because I do. I know we need to go slow, put the kids first but I want her to feel special and loved as well..."

"I know you're in a hard spot," she agreed.

"I've been trying to just... be what she needs, how she needs me, whether its just to hold her hand..." I sighed, kicking the grass.

"I'm not sure she wants me though..." I said sadly.

"Man up and ask her." I rolled my eyes. She made it sound so easy. It wasn't, I had every reason to be worried, and Rainy could reject me. After everything, I was partially hiding behind our children truth me told.

"I feel like I'm on a fucking tight rope right now," I blurted out, heading to the bench, Shavon followed, "She came out to comfort me, which was a big deal, I mean – fuck – she's different but somehow I'm in awe of her. Even when she breaks down, I still feel overwhelmed..." I wasn't making sense.

Rainy had so much to deal with, and normally I'd just go in for the kill but Rainy was my little Love, even after all these years she's the one woman, I'd never want to hurt, but I'd been hurting her for years. She was angry, I knew that, she may not be ready to admit it, would rather avoid it, but I knew it as coming, her wrath was just delayed.

"I'm – I don't know what I did, to set Seth off... Rainy hasn't said it yet... but he did all this to me as payback but I'm drawing a blank. I'm not sure – in my own – I can't see what I've done to anyone that would lead to Seth doing what he did..." the words expelled. Finally.

Shavon eyed me, "I think this guy, Seth, he was already too far gone Chris. Whatever you may or may not have done was just a catalyst. For all you know he was at the edge and you cut him off on the street... and you began the object to displace his anger, Rainy just a pawn."

"And to the extent of what he did to Rainy, there's no way this was just some sort of rapid onset-" she continued.

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"What did I do to Tomas? For him to sell my children?" I asked when Shavon finished, just waiting, letting me digest her words. We still hadn't found them, or this Lynda woman.

"That gave him power, he probably felt giddy, stronger that he got one over on Seth... it fed his ego that he was superior to Seth," right. Sick bastard. "But he wasn't... and Tomas knew that... Seth had a whole setup, Tomas couldn't compete with that... he took the money and bought items for his wife, had her wear them, it made him feel more Alpha male. She wore his prize," the words aren't at all matter-a-fact.

"Rainy... she want's their families, friends, everyone in their social circles – the men that hurt them – to know what they did, who they really are..." I say tapering off when I notice she's fucking smiling.

What was humorous about this shit? Nothing. Not a thing.

"She doesn't blame herself..." She says like I'm missing the bigger picture and I guess from how she says it I did.

"Chris... she's taking blame where she shouldn't but there is this part of her... it's in there, that knows They. Hurt. Her." She lifted a brow.

"She said they tainted her."

"Show her – slowly – at her pace, that they haven't." The real question was if she let me.

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Four days later.

We hadn't seen or heard from Logan for two days, and I didn't bring up the name Christi Colt to Rainy after she woke up, nor did I tell her of his reaction.

Not when I didn't know anything.

Now, I was resting against the wall, waiting for Shavon, Rainy, my mom and sister to return, just watching Jack with Lily and her guitar, all the other children had been asleep for fifteen minutes or so.

Lily had practiced the little melody he shown her days ago, repeatedly, each time better than the last, and she loved to play. Sarah, Lily