CHAPTER 35c

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A/N: Not Edited.

Chapter 35c – Rainy POV

It was disappointing that the children hadn’t wanted to see Chris turn into a wolf, especially since we had wanted to use the toy wolves as an introduction to real live wolves. Instead we followed what Shavon and Juliet suggested, letting them decide now and broaching the subject again after a few days or weeks. They explained that fear would rule all decisions the children made and not even something like me – myself – turning into a wolf would convince them before they were mentally ready for something like that. At first I thought why even mention it if they thought it would harm the children. But they explained that it was a chance for them to observe where they are at, how they work and see what they are given.

After deciding that they didn’t want to see a real live wolf, Chris resorted to reading them all a story, his voice soft and comforting like a warm blanket during a frigid cold night, easily lulling them all to sleep. After setting down Michelle and Nicole, Chris, Lucy, Grace, Logan and I joined Shavon and Juliet in the school they had attached to this room specifically. I knew from the outside that this was the basement floor and there was another one above this, which would be used for therapy sessions.

Looking around, I see it’s inviting and fun, nothing too serious for the children and I was happy… for now we couldn’t send them to school, so this would do for the time being. Not going upstairs, using this area instead we all found a spot on the circular sofa facing Shavon and Juliet.

Now I really wished that the kids had chosen to see Chris’ wolf, I didn’t want this conversation to happen right now at all. It would be hard to keep my thoughts away from the secrets I was holding while we all sat down and spoke with each other. I knew that when the truth came out, they would blame me for what happened… for the children and for the choices I made but I don’t think they’d ever be able to really understand what it was like in that basement. Grace was a mother but I doubt she had been a mother in the same way I had, having to make the decisions that I had too. But the protector in me wouldn’t wish that upon anyone, not even an enemy because it cut me up inside. When they learned why there were so many children, I knew that they would think I made the wrong decisions but they didn’t know what it was like.

It was all a game to him, something he played continuous that had live reactions he and those like him could mock. It was eating me alive and while I didn’t want to speak to everyone about my time down there, I needed to talk to someone before I was crushed with this guilt. I knew that I shouldn’t feel – feel guilty but I did, among many other things. It all just hurt, to the point that after having been so strong, even when my strongest was any other persons weakest, it crossed my mind a few times that I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be a mother out here in this world, any more than I was a mother in that basement. I made childish decisions, ones that the babies would have to live with, but minute by minute fear was taking over that they would see just how much of a weak person I was.

I had lived on the outside, knew things and never told them… and I could see it already, just forming, and now I was waiting for it but the wait was worse that the realization that would come from them. I was still a little girl when I was taken, but I was still older than them, now that we were out would they blame me for not being stronger? For not protecting them more than I did, even though I couldn’t protect myself… I didn’t want to face that moment, where they looked at me and asked why I didn’t do more to save them. Or when Kayla would ask me why I never told her that she had a choice, instead I did something worse; pretending that what was happening was how things worked. Why was it I made them all assume that anyone that wasn’t in that basement with us were all the same? Why did I make them believe that only eleven of us could show love and kindness, but everyone else coming would be mean because outside is where all the mean people lived. When in reality I was just a bad of a monster as he and all the other hims that came and followed.

How would Logan and Chris react when they learned that I wasn’t a victim at all…? The children were victims but I was more like a judge, handing down a sentence to the men that came and hurt the children.

“Rainy,” I heard my name being called and lifted my head meeting worried eyes, “sorry I was just thinking,” I swallowed to say and realized that I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

“It’s fine we were just discussing erasing the children’s mind…” Shavon said sympathetically, so I nodded, “do you think it’s a good idea?” I asked wanting the attention from Chris and Logan to be off of me as soon as possible.

“I have someone that can do it, but the thing is Rainy, if I have them do it and they run into someone that has hurt them eventually without knowing… or someone triggers the memory, it could be too much to get back if it all just came back at once. It could do more damage to them than just attempting to heal from this now and maybe later when they are older deciding if they want the memories removed,” Logan answered me, Juliet and Shavon nodding as well.

“So there’s no way to make it gone completely? Just erase if for sure, as if it never happened?” I questioned wanting to make sure the right decision was made…

“Rainy… Chris… I’ll be honest,” Juliet started off and I could tell that her answer wouldn’t please me, please us, “if we were talking about one singular event I would recommend it, however this is different, everyday of their lives has been abuse… if we tried to remove the memories, we would be taking a good chunk of them, it would be as if they suffered a brain injury, everything that happened… the comfort you gave them, things your taught them during that time would be gone-” I sobbed cutting her off, she didn’t need to say more.

I understood. Nodding I tried to keep my emotions under control but it wasn’t working, I just wanted to leave… I couldn’t be here. When they found out what I had done, no one would want me around either. 

Attention. I loathed it in that basement and I hated it now, “Rainy I – no… we need to know of any triggers the children may have… things that for now we will not touch on but eventually work with them,” Shavon asked kindly, I knew it was important but a part of me didn’t want to think about anything that happened in that basement. But that was selfish, I couldn’t help the babies back there but I could here. I could put my own turmoil aside and do the right thing, start them off on the right foot. Chris, Logan… all these people are putting so much effort into making life for us all easy as we transition, it’s like I felt indebted to everyone.

Guilty when I thought of the choices I made.

Triggers I thought. Things that over the last nine years that could trigger memories for the babies, Shavon and Juliet had pens in their hand and paper on their laps waiting, the others waiting as well, wanting to know what they should avoid as well, I couldn’t think of a way to start, it was a jumbled mess inside my head, the thoughts swirling connecting with my own, the mind games, oh god the mind games he played.

The things he turned sour time and time again, nothing was sacred with him, just different buttons to push. Until I realized nothing on the outside could be brought into that basement and remain pure and untouched.

My hand was vibrating, tremors swallowing my thin body, the memories right in front the door they wanted me to open… in my peripheral vision with blurred focus I saw Chris reach over slowly, placing his hands limply on mine. I wanted to turn my hand over and take it, hold onto that hand for dear life but I couldn’t so I just left it where it was, “Rainy… what’s the matter-” Juliet stopped abruptly, probably – hopefully – realizing what a stupid question that was.

“I don’t know where to begin…” I whispered. “Just – just try to say what’s in your mind, whatever comes even if you repeat a few that’s fine…” Shavon coached me, “take a breath if you need to Rainy, stop anytime you want,” her words cutting right through me, taking my breath away. ‘Make a choice Rainella… I’ll stop this anytime… all you have to do is make a god damn choice!’ I shook my head, no, not wanting to decide, I didn’t want to pick please don’t make me pick. I can’t pick. I sobbed offering myself. ‘That’s not what I asked Rainella,’ he taunted, ‘you don’t want me to send in Keith or Cole now do you?’ I shook my head, looking down; I couldn’t meet Michael or Bailey’s eyes, ‘Choose Rainella!’ He shouted. ‘Pick! Pick! Pick!’

‘Michael,’ I whispered, sobbing, barely able to breathe.

‘You see Michael… she loves Bailey more than you…’ I shake my head, repeating over and over that it isn’t true. It’s not important though; those words don’t matter, not when I picked him instead of Bailey.

“Rainy! Rainy!” Hands are on me and faster than I had moved in a long time I’m throwing myself backward away from the hands, falling, crashing into a shelf behind me and sinking down to the floor, shaking my head. Someone comes over, pulling me to their chest and until I feel the tingles where our skin touches, I didn’t know that it was Chris; his voice trying to coax me out of my own hell.

Holding me until I relax, not on my own but just exhaustion settling over, “no nursery rhymes, no cucumbers, bananas, no pink or purple or blues, don’t say the word daddy, or princess, no alarm clocks, no closed doors, chains, handcuffs, ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear what do you see?’, Goodnight Moon, lemons, knives, glue, lighters, cigarettes, smoke, small rooms, being alone in a room, snakes...”  and I continue to blurt out whatever came to mind, everything I could think of, and by the time  I was done, my head was throbbing and all I heard were sniffles.

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