Chapter Twelve- Do I stay or do I go?

One minute, no not even a full minute, one second we were in a concrete room, the next we were in a gallery overhead an operating theater, a place I understood. As I gazed down I could see what the surgeons below were doing, they were fixing her wrist and I could tell that they had already corrected her ankle. The operating room was top of the line filled with a heart-lung bypass machine, ventilator, infusion pump and crash cart. Rainella was hooked up to many different machines, those I mentioned and most important she had an aortic balloon pump which is what help the most of my attention. Why? Because this instrument, this amazing device was pumping my mates heart, displayed her heart pressure and EGC reads. I was grateful for this machine because her heart was truly weakened, probably caused by all the medication forced into her body. Even in my human form I could tell that she was given doses of oxycontin and wolfs bane but I could also smell the cocaine. As I watched them with hands in side my mate I had to take a huge, nosy breath so that my wolf could simmer down.

1:17pm.

I had been awake for almost 11 hours but it really felt longer, longer that only that. I hadn’t felt this out of control since I was 15 years old; over the years I had nurtured myself, molded everything about me into the human version of an operating theater, cold.

My personality, entire being was cold, uncaring and ruthless to anyone that wasn’t a patient. Most that have had the fortune to either be a doctor or scrub nurse and not a patient in one did not know just how sterile the environment needed too be. The long lists of protocols to ensure positive patient care. However spend time with me and you would know, I’m intelligent and enough so to capture attention like a bright light and the rooms like me was cold to stave off infections. I was cold to prevent the heartache I felt when I remembered my sister and how I let her down, cold on the outside let me partially live.

That’s what I was doing, have been doing, partially living my life. I kept my family at a distance, had have over a thousand noncommittal sexual relations with women. It has never been abot more than just a release, and that was the ugly truth. I never led anyone on, I told every single woman from the jump that It would never lead or end with us married, 3.5 children, white fence and happily ever after ending.

Over the years the only person that would understand that was Anna, but the only people I didn’t keep away from or treat coldly was being operated on and the other sitting next to me watching someone we both loved but in different ways.

My engagement to Anna was not because I loved her, it was because I knew she would never ask for more than I was capable of giving her. Also since no one else in our family had been able to conceive and the pack needed Alpha heirs the responsibility fell on us.

It had been completely silent for a while, I could see that Rainella would spend another hour or two in this room having an operation, one that should not be needed but if she was ever going to have a pain-free shift or life it was necessary.

I could tell that Logan was just giving me time to wrap my head around everything but then I heard him sigh.

“I know you have a lot of questions but none of the answers are important if you’re going to leave her for Anna. Or think she would ever return to your pack Chris. And whether you stay or go back just know I’m going to end your pack, and the hospital as we speak right now everything is in motion,” he said coldly. Hospital? What Hospital? My mate was open on the operating table and some one who probably wasn’t a specialist had her hands inside her body.

“SO decide right now, your either all in or out,” he paused for a minute then continued “I wont tell you her story and what’s happened to her or guilty shouldn’t keep you here, but I will tell you how I found her.”

I knew immediately what my choice would be, “She is mine.” He snorted, “You’re so fucking stupid all those years studying… its not that simple. Either you don’t get what I’m saying or your wolf is speaking for you. She spent years as different men’s toy Chris, against her will. They hurt her but for 10 years you hurt her too.” I couldn’t help but growl at how he referred to her she should never be considered a toy… she wouldn’t have been if I had not given up…

“She isn’t that 11 year old we knew, I’m her brother and she was afraid of me. Afraid I would hurt her. Look down there.” He said pointing, “They’re all women. Why? Because she’s afraid of men and I’m afraid of what she would do or how she’d feel knowing that some male was down there. She might never be able to be with you like that, never be able to make love with you, her mate. This surgery isn’t going to take 10 years of pain away…” he said thickly, making me swallow he lump in my throat, he was right.

I looked down at Rainy, my beautiful mate and I knew that I wanted her no matter what, no matter how she wants me around, around I would be. I studied for years, not focused in psychology but I knew that the mind was a very complex puzzle and mystery, even now there was so much unknown.

No two people are the same but she could have flashbacks, memories that caused panic attacks, triggers, phobias, on going sense of despair, feeling alone, helpless and hopeless, suicidal behavior, just so many things that she could suffer after all this. She would need those around her to be strong, give and show unconditional love, support and understanding. 

Only her needs would be important, she would be first and foremost in all decisions I made. I’d go at her pace, no rushing… she’d need to become acclimated in society. Ten years spent as a slave, I knew that it would be years before we would mark one another; years to let go of anger I’m sure she would have towards me, that I knew was rightfully deserved and directed.

None of that matters, she is ours and we need her…

My wolf was right she was all I wanted, meant for me. I had let her down before but not again.

“The only thing in my life that matters right now and from here on out is currently sedated down there. You said you created her dream house, but if you can remember in all those dreams I was with her. If right now I have to live somewhere else until I can join her in that house then so be it.”

“As far as I’m concerned whatever special gift you have if you could use it to move me here you could have at it because, b-because I have no choice Logan I already love her. I know you don’t believe it but its true…” I whispered not looking at him; my eyes were only for my little love.

 He stood up swiftly catching my attention; my face must have been clearly showing I was completely horrified because that’s how I felt. I didn’t want to leave the gallery; I didn’t want to be far from my mate.

“Look I’ll be back in a while stay here,” he said like I wanted to go else where, then he was gone; fine by me because I got to stay to look over. As I say I got lost in our past because I couldn’t the present, I couldn’t how I forgot being her mate? Did I forget? Did I ever truly know? How did Logan know? If she could feel me and suffer, get injures I had and feel pain during my sex escapades how come I did not feel hers? They cut into her body but I was fine…? Logan gave me a split lip and now she has one? How? How did I ever fix them? Did she want the same things as before and could we ever get to her dreams?

- ~ Flashback ~ -

It was a long night and half day and although my first plan was to go back to my condo I had also promised Rainella that I’d stop by. So as I drove up the driveway to the main pack house I resolved myself to put up with the others.

Before I could close the door to the pack house behind myself, I felt a little person running into me, Rainy.

As I was a pediatric surgeon with my own hospital I interacted with children all day but I never got sick of it, of the kids or helping them. Yes I had lost a few patients over the years but never once until the end did I stop trying.

The 3feet tall, 38 pound little girl that just crashed into me was always a very welcomed distraction as was her twin brother. As she giggled then sighed loudly, “I missed you Cwiss.”

She had recently lost a few teeth and some letters got the better of her but I still understood.

“Oh little Love, I missed you too!?" I exclaimed dramatically while looking down at her baby blue eyes and I was given a small smile and a soft “good.”

“You wanna go an play house, your momma bought be four newer dollies?” she asked while I sank down to her eye level but before I could answer my mother came in “Oh Chris dear, I thought I heard Rainy running around announcing that you had arrived.” She said teasingly.

“Ya he comed to play with me,” said Rainy giving my mom a megawatt smile.

“Come on Cwiss!!” she said hurriedly while my mom asked, “Will you be staying for dinner dear?” her tone hopeful.

“Ya Cwiss will yous?” added Rainy; tag teamed... how lovely still I answered, “Yes,” and quickly before Rainy pulled out her puppy dog lips and sad whimper.

“Great” my mom chirped, as Rainella began pulling me towards her and Logan’s playroom. Sitting down in one of the baby chairs sure that one-day the legs would simply just give out.

 Smiling brightly in the most indulgent tone I could muster I asked prepared for the worst, “Little Love what are we playing toady?” please not beauty salon, I was still finding glitter from her kiddie make up 2 weeks later. Please. Not. Beauty. Salon.

“House!!” she beamed at me.

“So I’m gonna be the momma and yous gonna be the daddy and all my dollies are the babies. I already named ‘em,” Rainella stated excitedly and all I could do was nod my head as she began speaking.

“Well dis one is Thursday because yous come play with bubba and me on dem days.”

“This dolly is pizza because I like pizza.”

“Apple causes we a both like dem a lots.”

“Panno cause you play and then you teached me all the times.”

“These two are Cwissy and little love cause that our names.”

“Furrehahe because its wike your car.”

I was beginning to see a pattern here and was also holding in the laughter that was really fighting its way out of my lips, but I failed. She had named her pretend babies after things to only do with her and I, mostly me. AS I chuckled she turned around with trembling lips, which put a halt on my laughter immediately. I’m sure that she spent a lot of time picking those names so I opened my arms and beckoned her over to me and instantly she came and wrapped her tiny hands around my neck, and rested her head on my shoulder.

“Don’t you wike the names?” she mumbled into my shoulder.

“Of course I like them but you should chose really names don’t you think? Or we can keep the ones you chose I don’t mind… what do you say?” I tried to get her out of her embarrassed funk, since I caused it.

Pulling back she answered, “well your momma said that momma and daddies pick names together but I don’t know many names so what names should we pick?” she replied seriously, meaning I needed and must take this seriously as well too.

So I thought…

“Only da names you weally wove, like weallllly.”

Before I could give one name she gasped and climbed off my lap saying, “Ohhhh I know Cwiss!!”

“Okay lets hear it….” I said hoping for something better than Thursday.

“Makaywa! Wike your sistar that way you can take care of her betta this twime!!” She said enthusiastically and all I could do was give her a small sad smile.

Rainy and Logan were the only people I spoke to about my sister, it hurt less to speak with them, tell them stories of our adventures, her favorite books and little things I remembered from our childhood…

“Do you wike it?” she questioned watching my face closely.

“Yeah I do.” I whispered.

“Oh goody.” she began jumping up and down.

“Okay names you wike?” she queried not deterred to getting my opinion.

Names I liked…

“Flora,” I began but she ran out of the room. “Wait,” she screamed.

“Where are you going?”  But she was gone, I laughed lowly.

Not even five minutes later she returned with post its and a black pen, handing them to me and then waking to bring hand full of her dolls and bears closer to us.

“Why so many Rainy?”

“Well I want lots and lots of babies, so they wont be alone!” She said simply as if the answer was obvious and I had been too slow to understand, “so you write the names and I stick dem on so I don’t forgetted them.”

She had brought over 20 bears and dolls and decided that ten would be girl babies:

Flora, Sarah, Makayla, Bella, Lily, Hannah, Sophia, Nicole, Madison, Michelle and the remaining 10 would be boy babies: Ethan, Michael, Bailey, Liam, Cole, Keith, James, Alex, Evan, Logan.

Out of those twenty names she only chose two, Makayla and Logan and over the years even before she was kidnapped she would bring one of our sick babies to the hospital for check ups.

 End Flashback ~-

As I sat here staring but not really seeing I felt someone was with me. Shaking my head reality coming back into focus, I realized the operating room was empty, so I stood up quickly turning to Logan.

How had I lost track of time by just thinking of the past wondering if we’d ever get to have all those babies she wanted… would she even want any babies now?

“They finished up, she’s back in the main room now. I want to get this straight, I don’t forgive you, any of you but you said you’re here to stay?” he asked to which I nodded and answered “100% here to stay!” I was adamant.

“Then we have maybe an hour before the sedatives wear off, your questions… I’ll answer what I know, but before I start you should know anything I think Rainy should tell you herself, will only be told by Rainy herself. Do you understand?” He had all the power here… all the information and I had so many questions and although I’d be able to see her beautiful eyes, hear her sweet voice I knew better than to just interrogate her as she just woke up, she needed to be kept calm and panic free.

 Say yes I want to know what he knows!! Said my wolf.