I fall asleep sometime after that. When I am woken by a knock, I find that I hadn't even made it to my bedding. Instead, I am still slumped against the wall.

I bolt upright, banging into a low table as I do. I even slept in my clothes, looking like I just passed out, which I guess I did.

"Jun," Ryuu calls through the door, clearly concerned, "are you well in there?"

I clench my jaw slightly at the sound of his voice, half-remembered dreams drifting through my mind. "I am fine, Ryuu. You merely startled me awake."

He yanks open the door a moment after I make sure my kimono is in place to hide my bindings, and I see his eyebrows raise in surprise. "That is unusual."

"What?" I ask, wondering if I somehow missed something as I cross my arms defensively against my chest. "That fact that you entered my room uninvited or the fact that I do not look like I just woke up?"

"No, Jun. It is more of the very obvious fact that you haven't been up for hours like you usually are, haunting the halls. Did your mind finally ensure you got more than three hours of sleep?"

I blink at him, somewhat surprised that he hadn't brought up the fact that I had sent him away last night and relieved that he thought only that was amiss. Instead, he had chosen to bring up the idea that I hadn't woken up at the first sign of sunlight.

Realizing he's still waiting for a reply, I clear my throat and choke out, "My early risings have saved our skins more than once, Ryuu. I don't believe now would be a good time to cease."

Ryuu smiles slightly. "You present a good point, Jun. You have both saved our skins and kept us from rest with your obsessive pacing." Then his smile vanishes and something dark consumes his eyes. "I am truly sorry for last night. I did not mean to upset you in any way."

"I overreacted. You did nothing wrong," I insist. I just wish I could be more honest with him about everything.

His lips curve again, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. "You do not have to make excuses. My behavior was inexcusable, milord."

I sigh, accepting the fact that I will not change his mind. "Was there some other reason you came to see me, Ryuu? Because if you don't have another reason, I would like to begin getting ready for the day."

"There are rumors that the Neji clan is preparing to attack the Aikawa clan. We believe we will be called on by on our allies to help them defend their territory," Ryuu states, a grim expression forming into the mask I rarely saw lowered. "If that occurs, there will likely be many casualties on both sides."

I bite my lip, remembering our last battle alongside the cowardly Aikawa Shigeru, who had inherited leadership of his clan about six months ago. His father had grown too old to fight, and Shigeru had proven content to leave his allies to die.

"How many men do we have ready to fight at a moment's notice?" I ask, mind whirling with ideas already. The Neji clan would know exactly what Shigeru's strategy would be during the battle: luring the opposing side in before turning tail and leaving us to fight their battles. He would only return after we had destroyed each other or when Neji Raiden dragged him out of his fortress.

My general's eyes move slightly as he thinks about it. "About two thousand right now. However, a number of those are unexperienced in battle."

"I want the majority of our experienced samurai upon the field if Lord Shigeru does call for our help. Keep those who have just finished their training and a few of our older men here to defend in case one of the other clans decides to move against us while we are at battle," I say slowly. "I will not risk more of our men than needed if we are abandoned by our ally especially since it is his battle we are fighting."

"You should break the alliance with him if he runs like a coward again," Ryuu crosses his arms and scowls. "He clearly cares for naught but his own life."

Again I sigh wearily. "Such bonds are not easily broken; we both know that, Ryuu. However, Shigeru has not kept to our agreement either. We will fight alongside him until he abandons us again."

He nods, though reluctantly, and places his hand on the door. "Very well. It shall be as you wish. And, Jun, you drooled while you were sleeping."

As soon as Ryuu leaves, I swipe a hand across my face before figuring out he was jesting. The news of an impending conflict between the Neji and Aikawa clans is disturbing even though it is no surprise. Those two clans have been feuding for years over territory with varying degrees of success for either.

Swiftly dressing, I slip out of my room and march down the hallway to track down the other person who will be essential to my plans.

"Lord Taro," I say, finding him in the kitchen as I suspected, "could you stop harassing my cook? I would prefer that my food taste as I like it today."

The two of them glance at me, Cook's cheeks lit with that telling blush again. Taro merely leans back against the table and tells me, "I see Ryuu has told you the news. Not only did you make an awful joke, but that look's in your eyes."

"What look?" I ask, raising an eyebrow and ignoring the awful joke part.

"The one where you're going through every scenario you can think of and coming up with a plan to deal with it."

"Someone has to do it, Taro. Everyone knows Shigeru has no plan beyond running home as fast as he possibly can. I refuse to allow my men to die for someone who refuses to fight in a battle they started."

His lips pursed, he stares at me for a long moment before saying, "You burden yourself too much, Jun. You cannot keep everyone among the living, and it will kill you if you try. Let the battle unfold as it will."

I bite the inside of my cheek gently, resisting the urge to sigh. "My duty is to the men who serve beneath me. If there is a way to preserve their lives and I do not take it, I have failed."

"Every person who serves beneath you is honored to be by your side or at your back," Taro lays a hand against my shoulder. "You took up your duties at a far earlier time than any of us truly expected. However, you have led us well thus far. Do not fear failing us, for we are willing to lay our lives down for you, Lord Junichi."

"I fear not that but rather forcing one to die because of my failures. To weigh another's life against your own before deeming them more fit to die is a terrible burden to carry."

"We choose to forfeit our own lives every time we step onto a battlefield," Ryuu says from behind us. "We choose to hand our lives over to you and our fellow samurai because we believe in you and in the cause. You do not carry the burden alone, Jun. You never have to, for we all have a hand within the lives of those surrounding us."

I look at the two of them: one far older than me and the other closer to my own age. Only a year had I been leading these men, yet there was such faith in me already. A faith that would only be destroyed if they ever found out who I truly was.

Instead of allowing my thoughts to bring forth words from my mouth, I raise an eyebrow and ask, "When do we expect to receive the summons to battle?"

"No more than a week," my general answers grimly, something telling me he knows exactly what I'm up to. I'm not surprised though; after all, I would be more concerned if he didn't know what was running through my head.

"Very well. Choose the men you deem most fit to march into battle with us and then meet me at the gates within four hours. The three of us are going to go on a little journey."

Ryuu bows before leaving. I turn my gaze back to Taro, who merely says, "Shall I bring my katana with us on this jaunt, or do you believe it will just be a leisurely expedition?"

I give him a look before stating, "I believe it best if we are armed, Taro. For while we are not planning on trouble, it may yet find us. So, yes, bring the katana."

When he nods, I leave him with Cook and their conversation. Now that my mind is no longer occupied with preparing for impending battle, I notice that I have failed to wrap my bindings correctly in my haste to find Taro. My chest aches with every breath I take, and I veer back towards my room.

"Stupid Ryuu," I grumble under my breath. "Stupid Shigeru and stupid Raiden. Men create the problems within this world, and my father forced me into the situation where I must be the one to solve them. And solve them I will with both my own sweat and blood and that of others, for that seems the way of men and to the knowledge of those around me, I am a man."

With a slight growl, I shut myself within my room before stripping to the waist. The linen cloth about my breasts had left a painful red line, and hissing through my teeth, I carefully rewrap the bindings.

After dressing, I sit on the floor with my knees tucked up to my chin, staring gloomily at the sheathed katana against the wall.

How much blood had my father drawn with that blade? How many fathers, sons, and brothers had I already slaughtered? How many more would I take from this world before what I could only call a bloody peace descended upon the land?

I dread the answer to the very depths of my soul.