50.| For Nothing

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Keith Powers

Staring into the bathroom mirror, I focused on my dark red eyes. It's been a week since I've left April and I haven't slept and I'm barely eating. My life feel like is going down the drain day by day. I'm ready for all this nonsense to be over. I'm a few seconds from a mental break down.

Bottling your emotions is the worst thing to do. I've been trying my best to keep myself sane for the past 2 months and at first I thought I was doing good but day by day, I realized that I'm not. I'm slowly cracking. I'm a sleeping volcano that's about to erupt. I'm hurt but I masked my pain so that I don't constantly have to hear someone ask if I'm okay. My sons died, you should know that the last thing I am, is okay.

Last week made things even worse. She really threw her ring at me. I made her promise that no matter how hard shit gets that she'll never take that off. I know this situation is something new for us, emotions are different, I just never think this would cause her to say that she hates me or take her ring off.

I've been more focused on Kiara because I thought April would want more time to herself. And I just don't know what to say to help her get through all of this. I wanna be there for my wife, I really do but what do I do? What can I say to keep her comfortable and ease her aching heart? I really need somebody to give me the answers.

I can look in her eyes and see how hurt she is, my wife is broken. April's eyes used to sparkle like diamonds, her smile was always big and wide. Now you'll be lucky if you see her smile. When she does I know it isn't real. She's putting on a facade. She's just like me, she doesn't want the "Are you Okay?" question asked to her a billion times. No she's not okay, WE'RE NOT OKAY!

A knock on the bathroom door broke me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I answered.

"Breakfast is ready." My mom replied. "Kiara is already downstairs."

"Okay, I'll be down in a second."

"Okay."

I looked at myself again before splashing water in my face then heading out to go downstairs. When I walked into the dining room, I kissed my moms cheek then Kiara's then took my seat. "Thank you Ma."

"No problem honey. How are you this morning?"

"I'm good." I kept my head down so that she wouldn't see my eyes. "How are you?"

"I'm okay, just wondering when my son is going to tell me exactly what's going on? You and Kiara showed up at my house at the crack of dawn last week and you want me to believe that everything is okay."

"Yeah."

"Well you should know by now that I'm not going to just let this go. What's going on between you and April?"

I looked at my mom, letting her see how her son is holding on be a thread.

"Keith look at your eyes! When was the last time you slept?" She asked.

"The day before my wife told me that she hates me."

"What?!"

"April thinks I haven't been there for her. She said that Kiara has all my attention and all she wants is a second of my time and she thinks that I can't give her that."

"Why?"

"Because I haven't."

"And why not?!"

I shrugged. "I tried, I thought I was helping but it seemed like she was getting worse. She still looked sad, she still seemed helpless. So I thought that if I just let her have time to herself she'd feel better but it just got even worse."

"The last thing she needed was time to herself. Neither of you do. You lost not one child but two. That has to be one of the most painful experiences for anybody. And for the mother that pain is unbearable. These babies were growing inside of her, her body was nurturing them and now that's over at the snap of a finger. She's going to be damaged, you both are. This wound is going to take a while to heal. And you Keith, need to stop sweeping this under the rug because you're afraid that crying will make you seem weak or like you're not holding things down for April. Seeing you shed tears would probably open her up and see how much you two really need each other. You two need each other more than anything right now. This is not okay."

I shook my head as my eyes got cloudy with tears. I didn't want to cry. She was right, I feel like if I expressed how I feel about this, I'd feel like I'm weak or something. The tears poured down my face and I just broke down.

My mom jumped out of her seat and came to hug me.

"This shit is so fucked up man! Why did this have to happen to us?!" My fist slammed into the table and my mom held me tighter.

Hurt was an understatement. There's nothing I wanted more than to have children with my wife. Now it's going to be harder because her guard is up. Shit I'm always going to have those what if's in the back of my mind too. This shit is going to mentally scar us forever.

After a while I wiped my face and sat back in my chair.

"I really think you and April should consider grief counseling. It could really help you two get that first step to healing from this."

I nodded. "I agree. I don't want to lose my wife and just like you said we need each other now more than ever."

"It's going to be okay, things are going to get better. You just have to take it all one day at a time."

"Yeah."

"Now look, I want you to eat, then go upstairs and take the longest nap ever. I'm going to take Kiara shopping. I just want you to get some rest."

"Okay."

"I love you." She kissed my cheek.

"I love you more Ma, thank you."

"Don't thank me. This is what I'm here for."

I gave her a small smile then started to eat me food. Like she said it's going to get better, we just have to take it one day at a time.

Later On

My eyes slowly opened and I looked around the room. After stretching I sat up and grabbed my phone. I've been sleep for 4 hours? damn. I feel relaxed though so ain't no complaining.

Unlocking my phone I dialed April's number. We needed to fix this.

Her phone went straight to voicemail. I tried a few more times before getting up and deciding that I would just go to her. I went and jumped in the shower, slipped on something simple then went and grabbed my phone keys and wallet.

She probably had me blocked thinking that if I called and got her voice mail I'd just give up. No, we're not about to just end this so easily. We went through a lot of bullshit to get where we are and I'm not about to just walk away.

I told her that I wanted to marry her because I couldn't live without her and I meant that. I didn't marry her for nothing.

Til death do us part. I meant every single word of that. I love her too much to lose her. We're going to make this work.

After grabbing my moms house keys I headed out but stopped once I saw who was in the driveway.

"April."

She looked just as miserable as I did. She never said anything, she just started running towards me. I met her halfway, picking her up. Her legs wrapped around my back and tightly around my neck.

I could feel her warm tears hit my shirt.

"I'm so sorry Keith, I'm so so sorry."

"I'm sorry too. I love you so much April."

"I love you more baby." She sat her head up and grabbed my face. We shared a long kiss. I haven't felt her lips in a long time. I needed this.

"We're going to fix this April, whenever you need me in there, I promise." Tears started rolling down my face.

Her thumb ran over my check. "And I'm here for you too baby. I'm so sorry for being selfish. Please come home, I miss you and Kiara. Please."

"We're coming home." I kissed her over and over.

This felt like a dream. I thought I'd be pleading my case to get things back to how they were. I never would've expected her to come to me.

Just knowing that she didn't give up and still wants this as much as I do, makes me happy.

We gone be alright.

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I really think Keith and Normani would be such a cute couple 🤷🏽‍♀️

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