Tyson POV

After leaving the rehab, we decide to go to this small restaurant that I love. It's cute and the staff that works there are all familiar with me. That restaurant has hosted a lot my my fondest memories and entering it always felt like home. I'd love to share that with Tiana.

I glance at her as I drive towards the restaurant, thinking about the way the tension I didn't know was present in her shoulders disappeared when she was in her mother's arms. There's a nasty thought made by a green monster that has been nagging me since I saw her practically fling herself at her mother.

Why wasn't I good enough to make her that happy?

Why isn't she as comfortable with me as she was with her mother?

Aren't I enough?

It is such an irrational thought, so completely stupid that it's laughable. But it's there, edging closer and closer to my conscious thoughts.

I know, I know so well, that no one can take a parent's place. That someone you've just met is never going to compare to someone you've known your whole life. That, after what she's been through, trust isn't something that'll easily be gained.

But-

But I want her to feel as free with me as she was with her mother. Haven't I given her so much of my time? Haven't I been there whenever she needed me to be?

I know these thoughts are irrational, completely baseless and completely unfair to her. I know, and yet they exist.

I hate myself sometimes for who I am.

"You okay?" Tiana asks, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"Yeah, what makes you ask?" I ask, giving her a small smile.

"You're... holding the steering wheel too tight," she says and I immediately loosen my grip. Self-hate isn't something new to me, but it never occurred to me that my body actually reacted to it. I thought it existed in my head and nowhere else. I didn't know I physically reacted to it. I guess I have to be more observant of myself.

"Oh. Well, don't worry. It's nothing," I say, making sure my smile is as friendly as I hope it is.

She frowns at me for a second, then says, "If it's something you didn't want to talk about, you could've just said so."

I sigh, feeling guilty. She told me so much and I couldn't even give her this? How unfair can I get?

"It's nothing, really. I'm just being stupidly jealous 'cause you weren't as open with me as you were with your freaking mother. And then I kinda fell into that little hole called "self-hate" because of how stupid that sounds. I mean, I know it's your mother! How could I compare? Like I said, it's nothing. That's it, really," I say, a little relieved and a lot scared.

"Oh, well.... I don't really know what to say. I'm glad you told me what's up. And you... uh... well," she says, trailing off at the end.

I raise an eyebrow at her. "I... what?"

"You... matter. To me, that is," she mumbles, looking away. She starts fiddling with her seatbelt and stares intently out the window, not daring to look at me.

"You matter to me too," I say, looking foreword.

"Oh," she says, looking my way for a second before looking back out the window.

I'm about to reply when the piece of shit driving next to me that I've been keeping an eye on in the back of my mind fucking cuts.

"Fucktard! What the shit? That fucking bastard! Who the fuck does that jackass think he is?!" I yell, glaring at the red car as it drives away.

"God, I hate some of the idiots on the road. Who the fuck have them a license? A goat?!" I say, glaring at nothing in particular.

I turn towards Tiana, ready to rant at her about stupid drivers, only to see her covering her mouth while her shoulders shake with silent laughter.

I give her a questioning look, which only manages to increase the intensity of her suppressed laughter.

"Was... was it something I said?" I ask and she bursts out laughter, eyes shining with tears of laughter. She tilts her head back and slaps her thigh as she laughs, completely immersed in her own blissful laughter.

Wow.

After she calms down from her laughing fit, she looks at me with those shining eyes and says, "Watching the driver just curse out some random person for driving badly is the most entertaining shit I've ever seen."

"Glad I could be of service," I say, suppressing a little smirk but not very well.

"Thanks," she says, a small smile on her face as she looks back out the window.

"For?"

"Just.... thanks," she says while smiling softly, then looks back out the window. There's a smile on my face too as I drive.

I stare at her for a little while when the traffic light turns red. The little smile still hasn't left her face as she looks out the window, observing everything passing by.

I care for her.

It's a thought that suddenly strikes me. It's not the suddenness of the thought that scares me, though. It's the obviousness of the thought. The "of course" that trails behind the statement. Why is it so obvious?

The thought also brings confusion. Confusion because I don't really know what caring means. Years of convincing myself that I'm replaceable to everyone around me and that everyone around me is replaceable has forced me to forget what caring is. What does caring for someone mean? Is it the same as love?

Love. Another confusing four letter word. If there's something I've learnt, though, about love is that you can love someone without being in love with them when you're attracted to them. It's a thought that I both want to avoid and think about more.

My thoughts fly back to my father, to the person he forced me to be and the ideas he forced into my head. He never really let me think. Just pushed his way of life into me and forced me to be whatever he wanted me to be. He forced me to believe that love wasn't real. I couldn't really object when he was the only example I had to follow. Why did he even adopt me if he's not going to accept that I'm going to have different ideals and perceptions of the world than him? I was never born to follow, yet that's all I seem to be doing. Just following, never being.

I guess it's not a puzzle why I don't know myself. But I'm getting there. I'll get there.

I turn back to Tiana and the little smile that I had dropped comes back. She gave me the opportunity to think, and for that I'm so grateful. If she didn't barge into my life, I'd still be living my life as my father's ideal son. I hate that thought. I hate that path.

It's so funny how the littlest of things can change so much of who you are. How meeting on person can change so much. How one incident can change everything.

Meeting my family had changed me so much. Before meeting them, I had been so vengeful to the world. So filled with hate. How could I not, when it had given me nothing to love? My family showed me love and I had been so scared of it that I looked to my father when I looked for an example. Because his love was harder. His love was tougher. His love stung. And that's all I knew because that's all the world showed me and so that's all I followed. So scared of love that I followed the love that hurt. It's only now that I know that love can be softer. Not easier, but softer.

I love my family. I don't know why I ever made myself believe I didn't. How could I have been so blind?

My friends changed me so subtlety that at first I didn't see it. But, slowly, my anger decreased. Slowly, I was becoming more open. Slowly, the dreadful loneliness that had filled wasn't what I was made up of anymore. The changes were so subtle that I didn't notice then, but once I did I wondered how I didn't. Because, though subtle, the changes were so drastic that I almost didn't didn't recognise myself anymore. How could I be so filled with anger? How?

I'll be eternally grateful for their presence and I'm honoured to love them and have them love me back.

"What are you thinking about?" Tiana asks all of a sudden, startling me.

"Change," I reply, looking at her for a second before looking back at the road.

"What about it?"

"How subtle yet powerful it is."

"Yeah. You look back at who you were just a few months ago and you wonder who that person was. Change can be so sudden and yet you'd still not notice it. It's a funny concept. Scary and yet so invigorating," she says, looking at her hands.

"We've reached," I say, seeing the cute restaurant I've visited so many times before. "Let's continue this conversation in the restaurant. I'm kinda liking it."

"Of course you are," is all she says, rolling her eyes. I give her a lopsided grin that makes her smile back at me before she opens the door, making me do the same.

As we walk through the door, the scent hits me and my body automatically relaxes. It's like going back home after a long, long day. I love this place.

"So, what do you want to eat?" I ask Tiana, who's looking around the place.

"Just, maybe, a muffin. I'm not really all that hungry."

I frown at her answer. "You haven't been eating properly for a while now."

She doesn't say anything in reply, just stares intently at the floor before going back to looking around the place. Knowing I'm probably not going to get an answer, I sigh before walking towards my normal booth, my feet already knowing where to go. I hear Tiana follow behind me as I sit down at the booth. Tiana sits opposite to me and continues looking around the place.

She doesn't have her hoodie on. It brings a pang of pride to my chest.

"So, we were about to continue with the conversation?" Tiana asks quietly, as her voice usually is when there are too many people.

Before I can reply, though, a middle-aged pudgy woman with hazel eyes, black skin and unruly, yet pretty, curly hair walks towards us and stops next to me which her arms crossed.

"Boy, you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend!" she exclaims, looking at me with irritated amusement.

"That's because I don't have one. This is my friend, Tiana," I say, emphasising the "friend" part. No need to cause unnecessary awkwardness.

She gives me a look before turning her attention to Tiana. Her eyes light up when she sees her and she gives Tiana her biggest smile.

"Well aren't you a cute one?" she says, smiling widely.

"Thanks," Tiana mumbles while blushing, the colour spreading all the way to her neck.

"It's alright, honey. You don't have to be shy. I'm Alyssa, in case you wanted to know. It's Aunty Alyssa to everyone else but you can just call me by my name," she says, smiling warmly. She has such a motherly vibe to her that it's hard to not feel comfortable around her, unless you're actively trying to.

"I was wondering yeah. And I'm Tiana Collins," Tiana says, giving her hand to shake. Her cheeks are pink and there's a small smile on her face.

"I know, sweety. And we'll have none of that "hand-shaking business" here," she says before pulling Tiana up and giving her a hug. Tiana immediately melts into it, looking so incredibly moved that it warms my heart.

Once they let go, Alyssa immediately starts fussing over Tiana, which, I'll admit, is incredibly funny to see.

"Oh my God, child! You're all skin and bone! Have you eaten breakfast at all? Don't worry, I'll make you something special. And, just for you, I'll give you a special discount. It's called the "needs more food in their stomach" discount, kay? You're gonna leave here looking like you're pregnant with a 90 year old!" Alyssa exclaims, poking around Tiana's ribs. The fact that she could feel Tiana's ribs seems to aggravate her further though.

"I can feel your ribs! Tyson! Why haven't you been taking care of her. I can probably circle my whole palm across her wrist and feel nothing but bones," she says, and that's when it goes wrong. Alyssa moves to do just what she said she'd do, but stops short when she sees the bandages. Tiana immediately pulls her hands back and sits down, wrapping her arms around herself and digging into them, hard.

Alyssa stays quiet for a second, before slowly placing her hand under Tiana's chin and lifting it up. Tiana doesn't comply, though, and after some time Alyssa stops trying.

"Sweetheart, look at me," she says, looking at Tiana with sympathy.

"I regret it," is all Tiana whispers, still looking at the table. "I regret ever doing it. I regret every single second of it."

"I know, honey. I know," Alyssa says, sitting down next to Tiana, making her scoot over a bit. "But what matters is why you regret it."

Tiana's face shifts, and I can already see the bullshit answer she made up in her mind about how she found life beautiful all of a sudden, when her face shifts again, this time determined. She glances at me for a second before speaking.

"Because, after this, people define me by it. Whenever they look at me, they always see a suicide-victim. They treat me like glass, like I'm something fragile. Even now, after seeing the bandages, you've probably formed an idea in your head about me. I mean, yeah, I see where they're coming from. But, it still gets frustrating, being defined by that one, very bad decision. People think that one word from them is going to shatter me. They don't realise I've been dealing with this for years and years on end now. And, even though I claimed I didn't, I'm glad I was saved. I know how foolish I was to think death was the only option. I'm trying now. But people still look at me based on my past, based on my depression. To them, I'm a victim. I don't want to see myself as a victim. What about a survivor?" Tiana says, her head down the whole time, though he voice became stronger with each word.

"You have to realise, honey, that it's not their fault. What would you do if you found out someone tried to do what you did?" Alyssa says kindly. Tiana looks up.

"Be there for them," Tiana says immediately.

"Right. Now, when you make this decision, do you do it seeing them, or seeing yourself in their situation?" Alyssa asks gently.

Tiana stays quiet for a minute, before answering, "Myself in their situation."

"Now, by doing this, aren't you judging their situation based on yours?"

"Yeah," Tiana says, still quiet.

"Assuming is very different from knowing, honey," Alyssa says. "Many relationships have been ruined by people who assumed they were doing the right thing. At least, in the situation I mentioned, you have experience to base your assumption on, even though it's not right to look at someone and not see that someone. You have to see them when you help them, not yourself or your regrets. Especially your guilty-conscience and your regrets. Otherwise, are you really helping them or yourself? When helping others, never make it about you. Anyway, dear, at least you have experience. They don't, so they leave everything up to their assumption and their own fear. You have to know, dear, that death is not very delicate to the people surrounding that person. It's one of the most fear-inducing and reality-altering things to experience. Add that to the fact that it was by oneself? It's absolutely terrifying. They treat you that way out of the fear of losing you again, honey, and the assumption that that's what you need. It's not their fault. It is our way to assume. It is our way to fear. But it also our way to communicate. To learn to speak for ourself. Remember that, sweetheart."

While Tiana considers this, I ask a question that has been burning my brain since it entered it. "But don't we all see ourselves in people we help?"

Alyssa smiles at me kindly. "That, we do. We all see a little bit of ourselves in others, hun. Sometimes, that's what connects us. But, you have to remember, that that person isn't you. They have different ideals and values than you. See them as a person, and not just someone to fulfil your own super-hero complex."

I think of the jealousy that I felt when Tiana's mother comforted her when I couldn't. Is that what I have been thinking of Tiana as? A way to fulfil my "super-hero complex" as Alyssa put it? A way to pay off my regrets and my guilt?

I look at Tiana for a moment. What do I really know about her? Other than her her past and her suicide and her depression, what do I really know about her? Tiana was right, I judge her so entirely by her near-suicide and everything surrounding it, than I forgot to actually get to know her.

Is my feelings for her just my super-hero complex? Do I actually care for her, or am I just trying to fulfil my own desires? Am I just using her to know more about myself and learn more? Would I care as much if she had nothing to offer?

I decide, from then on, to get to know her. To stop defining her by what I've seen of her till now. To give her the benefit of the doubt. It's the least I could do.

And this restaurant is where it'll start. From now on, I'm going to try and see her as a person and not as a victim. Not as someone to fix, but someone to just hangout with. She is a person, and she deserves to be treated as such.

The key word here, though, is "try." It might be hard, undoing whatever it was I thought of her to be, but I'm going to try.

Change is growth. Growth is change. And all I'll have to do is to continue to change and grow, for me and for the people around me.

Alyssa gives Tiana a side hug, which she returns tearfully, before getting up. "Well, as emotional as this has been, I still have a job to do. So, you both gonna order or what?"

I give Tiana a look, to which she rolls her eyes before ordering a grilled chicken sandwich while I order two cheese burgers for myself

Once Alyssa is gone, I look towards Tiana, flashing her a smile before asking. "Well, what did you think of  Alyssa?"

Tiana gives me an open smile. "She's about as subtly beautiful as a person can be."
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Me? Projecting myself through my book characters? It's more likely than you think.

I don't really know if I'm late or early with this update. All I know is that I had the half-finished chapter staring at me and sitting there in the corner of my head for at least two weeks now before I said "Fuck it" and wrote it.

Sorry for the late chapter. Wasn't feeling too good. Had to take a couple of days off school.

What'd you guys think of this chapter? Does it make sense...? Sometimes I doubt anything I write makes sense lol.

I've got to 41k guys. I'm... I'm shocked. It's a dream to me. Thank you all for your support and help♥️

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Bye:)