💫ANGEL💫

It had been a month since I left home and started a new life. Anxiety sometimes took over my body, leaving me in the type of shambles that shake you up all day and keep your motor running all night. Running off little to no sleep, always smoking my way through the worst of my thoughts and feelings, I was struggling to find a healthy balance without falling back into my downward spiral.

I found comfort in being around my new friend group. Everyone was solid and never pried too much. Vanessa was the best of them. This could be because we had a physical thing going behind closed doors, but I didn't care enough to analyze the details. Neither of us felt anything for each other, but we'd mastered the art of making each other feel good. No strings attached.

The only thing I felt like I was missing, at times, was someone I could be open with and who really knew me. That was how I'd always stay chained to home. I needed that understanding and long-term safety net sometimes. Especially when my mind got the best of me.

"What's going on, Lee? How's everything going back at home?"

"Everything is exactly the same, dude. How's college? You still a stick in the mud or have you found yourself?" She laughed at her weak joke. I've always hated that.

"Stick in the mud." Letting out a long exhale, I leaned deeper into my couch, taking a drag of my joint. "I miss you, too. Anything new?"

"Your car is ready. As a matter of fact, that's why I was calling you."

"Because?"

"Because I was wondering if you wanted me to bring your car down to you. I can't imagine how you're getting around down there. Plus, you love this old piece of junk."

"Loved, Lee. Past tense. I haven't looked at that car since that night. I—I don't think I can." On my sixteenth birthday, my dad bought me a 1964 Mustang 289 Convertible. The original. I named her Big Red. She was my first love and I kept her in top notch condition up until the worse night of my life. I hadn't seen her since that night. It was like I lost both of the most important women in my life at the same time. Truth is, I wasn't ready to see Big Red. I wasn't ready to sit in that driver's seat knowing what had taken place a few years ago. There are some events that make you who you are, in the best way possible. There are others that turn you into the worst version of yourself, breaking you slowly into a million pieces. The type of pieces it was almost impossible to put back together. That is where I was. My spirit, my heart, and my mind were all ruined. I'd already seen the worst of my days. This me that made it to college was as good as it could have gotten.

My breathing became uneven as I thought about it. I didn't want to lose my cool. I couldn't. So, I pulled myself together. I took a deep breath, eyes shut, mind slowly calming.

"So, what you're saying is—I can sell it?"

"Lee."

"Or not. Hey, how's that chick you were fooling around with? Your neighbor." Lee was good at minding my business. She had always been like a leech, draining everyone around her of all of their secrets. At least she never shared those secrets with anyone else. I could say that much about her.

"She's—around." Little did Lee know, she was in my shower, cleaning off the mess we both made all over her body.

"You've always been one lucky bastard. Even full of hate and depression you manage to nail hot women. I wish I had your luck."

"Envy is one of the seven deadliest sins, you know." Hearing the shower turn off, I tried to think of a way to get off the phone without suspicion. "Lee, I'll take you up on your offer. This weekend, you should drive down in my car. We'll hang out and then I'll get you a flight back home."

"Yes! Now we're talking. Hey, Angel can I—"

"Yes Lee. Whatever you like. Whatever you need. I'll see you then."

"Wait, I was asking if—"

"Cool. Bye." Nervously trying to put the phone away, I slid it underneath the pillow beside me. Seconds later, Vanessa waltzed into the living room and crashed beside me.

"Your shower is so much hotter than mine." Vanessa spoke without making eye contact, locking her eyes in on the tv show I had barely paid any attention to.

"I never understood how women shower in such scalding temperatures. That's probably why your skin's so dry." Joking, I rubbed my hand across her smooth legs.

Vanessa looked down at my hand. Other than sexual favors, we never really touched on an intimate level. "Um...whatever."

"My bad." I put my hands up in the air, as if to surrender to the crime of going too far.

"So, what's been going on with you and that blondie?"

"That was random as hell." I huffed, blinking several times, trying to process the change in subject. "There's nothing really. I don't talk to her outside of all of us hanging out."

"Well, that's damn near every day."

"Ok?" Where was she headed with these questions? I couldn't figure out if V was jealous or just curious. Was our unspoken agreement to please each other without any strings going in the wrong direction?

"I'm just saying—I saw you two at the beach party. She's hot! I get it. The way you look at her. The way you react to her. Shit, she's the only person here who has ever gotten you to smile. TWICE! Not to mention you kissed her."

"You saw that?"

"Yeah. And all I could do is replay the many times you reminded me not to kiss you when we were having sex. Yet, you're butt naked in the ocean kissing little golden state like it came natural." Vanessa laughed a little, locking her eyes on mine. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. She's fun, sexy, smart as hell, and she's sort of a good girl."

"What do you mean 'sort of'?"

"I mean, I've seen her stray over into her feral side. She's lively. Most girls like that turn wild after a while. Plus, you remember how she looked at us when we were getting busy in front of everybody. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she wanted to screw us both that night."

"Shut up! Vanessa, how'd you get so damn insane?"

"You know it's true. She came in her pants that night. I watched that video enough to know."

"You're delusional." Adjusting myself in my pants, I was reminded of the shower I was in desperate need of.

She laughed uncontrollably. One thing I could always count on V for was entertainment. The mood in the room could be dead, completely lifeless, but she always found a way to wake it up and get something started. Although she sounded crazy, I couldn't help but admit to myself that she was right. Giselle was into me for sure. I knew that by the way her breathing always changed if we got too close to each other. Plus, the kiss we shared the night of the beach party sealed the deal for me. I just didn't know what I wanted to do with it. Giselle was too good for me. She seemed to come from an upper-class family, living off generations of money, having everything handed to them. The type of families that thought their offspring deserved to marry Princes and Kings instead of regular guys from small towns like me. I experienced that kind of girl one time too many. Apart of me wished the burdens of my past didn't affect my expectations for my future, the other part was grateful for the heads up. 

The night after Lina talked me down from an emotional breakdown. The night after I discovered my girlfriend, Bria, skipped town without the decency or compassion to fill me in or say goodbye, I was walking home from, my best friend, Jeremy's house. We'd been smoking and playing video games all day, trying to stay out of trouble. My phone rang over and over, but I was too stoned to realize it. I mean, I could hear it blaring into the still night air. I could feel it sending vibrations from my leg throughout my entire body. But I never reached down to answer.

"You're home!" My mom damn near ran towards me as I made my way through the front door.

"What's going on?"

"Someone's here to see you." My mom seemed to be in a great mood, glowing as she pushed me towards the stairs.

"What is it, mom? Why are you acting so strange?" I laughed, trying to peer over my shoulder at her as she pushed me further and further towards my room.

"Just go."

So that's what I did. Anticipating some grand scheme to cheer me up, I grew anxious as I tiptoed the rest of the way. It wasn't until Lina opened her door and shook her head my way, that I realized what I thought to be a great moment was about to become a nightmare. I opened my bedroom door, and there she stood, biting her fingernails in the middle of my floor.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I threw my backpack on the floor and slammed my door.

"Angel, I am so sorry."

"For what? Showing your true colors?"

"For packing up and leaving without saying anything." She contested.

I slammed down on the bottom of my bed, head lowered in shame.

"She wouldn't listen to me. All she kept saying is how I was making a big mistake and—"

"And I was trash and not good enough. I would ruin you and leave you broken-hearted or with a baby. We're too young to be in love. Blah blah blah!!" I looked up to meet her weary gaze, hesitant to make any real connection. "You know...I actually thought you were different from them. But you're not."

"I am different." Slightly, raising her voice, Bria took a step towards me.

"Just because someone doesn't have a billion-dollar trust fund, or some grand bank account doesn't make them less than. You know, it doesn't even matter anymore. Just get out."

"What did you expect me to do? Stay? Have my parents cut me off? As long as we have love we don't need anything else, right? Like your parents?"

Death blazing through my pupils, I stood quickly, causing Bria to jump backwards. Biting down on my teeth wasn't enough to restrain the anger building up inside me. What did she know about love? What did she know about my mom and dad? Nothing. She was clearly too spoiled by the fruits of her ancestors to ever comprehend the true meaning of loving another person. Her parents were right. She was too young to know what love was. She was also too blind. Too shallow. Too full of gluttony.

"You know nothing about my parents, and you never will. You'll never know sacrifice. Unconditional love. All you'll ever know is money and everything it buys you. But one thing about my parents, even with the money they have, they always put their family and their values before it. We're not broke. We just don't flash around coins, empowering the evil in brings. You're shallow as hell. You're so stupid. Go home! This isn't love."

"Angel?" She attempted to step closer to me, tears welling in her eyes.

"Go fucking home!"

It was moments like those that taught me to stay in my own lane. It was heartache like that, driving me to my breaking point but opening my eyes, that helped me understand my place in the world. I vowed to never date a perfect little wealthy girl from a perfect little wealthy family. I would never allow anyone to make me feel unworthy or less than. I would never diminish my own value for the love of someone who could never understand what real love is. And there it was. Giselle was out of my league.

THE NEXT WEEK, FOLLOWING the first beach party of the year, went smoothly. It was exactly what I needed. Calm. Repetitive. Predictable. I chilled in the café daily, went to class, and went to Loki's beach house for a few hours after. It was always the usual crowd. We'd made a habit of linking up; Loki, Zack, Me, Vanessa, Sevyn, Max, and Giselle. Good thing was, nobody called dibs on each other, killing the vibe by dating or fooling around within the circle. I appreciated that the most. I've seen mistakes like that turn entire circles inside out.

"I want to throw a party this weekend." Loki announced in between devouring a bag of chips.

"You throw a party every weekend, Loki." Max flopped down on the couch between us, immediately digging into Loki's bag of chips. I hated when women did that.

"I mean like the first one of the year. You know when V turned the party out." Loki eyed Vanessa, who immediately rolled her eyes.

"When will you losers let that go?"

"We won't. We've never seen anything like that around here." Zack admitted as he walked inside from the back patio with Giselle. They hung out on their own way more than any of us did. Hell, I'd seen her with him more than with Max and Sevyn.

I still couldn't fathom the idea of caring though. Or at least I'd never admit it. The hardest task I had to tackle as of late was forgetting how I felt when she kissed me at the beach. The immediate sweat I'd broken out into like a criminal on trial. I was nervous. Anxious. My adrenaline forced my body to do things I'd never voluntarily do. Because when she backed off and I pulled her back into me to finish what she started, her naked body sank into mine, and I could barely resist taking her up on that offer of hers. "...so take me home", she sang softly to me. We would've never made it home. I wanted Giselle. I just wasn't ready to admit it out loud. I guess that's why I did what came naturally, ignored her at all costs.

"What are you thinking about?" A soft voice, comforting the soul, spoke gently into my ear.

"Hmm?" Snapping out of my thoughts, I turned to find Giselle right up on me. "Damn, back up a little."

"Oh." Blinking a few times, she put some distance between us. "I was just asking what was on your mind. I called your name a few times, but you were in your own world."

"My bad. What's up?"

"I just told you."

"Yeah. I'm good. Wasn't thinking about anything." I lied, searching her eyes for a reaction.

"Gosh, Angel. You're so hard to keep up with." Giselle jumped up and walked off. Clearly, she was pissed about whatever it was she felt the right to be upset about. Max rolled her eyes at me and followed her. I could care less.

"You literally can't stand that girl one minute. The next you're madly in love." Loki chuckled slightly, watching Giselle fuss through the glass door. She'd begun venting to Maxine almost immediately, finishing off her tantrum with a bang. What a brat.

***Author's Words****

Alot is about to happen...brace yourself

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