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💫GISELLE💫


                "So, there is this video that Tam stumbled across from your school." Aaron announced after three or so minutes of dead air.

"What video?"

"Some guy and girl at a party."

"Oh. Yeah, there's always a party going on here."

"This was different." Aaron began to sound angry. He paused as If he were waiting for me to respond, but I didn't. "You were in it as well."

"What do you mean?" I knew exactly what he meant. The video started going viral last week, shared and viewed millions of times online. Doing my best to ignore the attention from it, the best thing I could do was pretend it didn't happen.

"You were watching a girl give a guy a blow job, Star. And he was watching you."

"Oh. That video."

"Come on. Don't play dumb."

"What do you want me to say?"

"You could start by being honest and not hiding things like this from me? Since when have you ever start keeping things from me, Star?" Aaron sighed a long, exaggerated breath. I could tell he was bothered by what he saw, but it was out of my control.

"What do you want me to say, Aaron?" I was practically yelling until I saw Maxine move. Then I began to whisper to keep from waking her.

"What's gotten into you? Why are you yelling?"

"Nothing has gotten into me, Aaron. I'm just tired of every time you and my parents call, you're checking me about something or trying to steer me in whatever direction you feel is best for me. I'm tired of being under everyone's control. I moved away for a reason."

"Forget it."

"That's a great idea. I'll call you later."

I thought I was over the hump of the day. I thought evading Aaron was the last of it, but like clockwork, seconds after ending our call prematurely, my parents buzzed in. First, my dad treated me like a junior high aged girl, changing his speaking voice and making unintentional promises that he could never live up to. Then my mom hit me with her twenty-one questions, even forcing me to pull up and checklist to make sure I was still "on track." A few weeks into fall semester and I needed to make sure I was "on track"? What a joke. My head was spinning in circles by the time their call ended, and all I wanted to do was escape.

"Are you ready to party?" Maxine grumbled.

"I thought you were sleeping."

"How could I sleep though all of that?" She joked, waving her hand in my direction. "What was that you were speaking, French?"

I laughed a little. "My mom is an animal. I'm so sorry."

"Your mom's an animal. And what does that make Aaron?"

"Equally, so."

"I want to see this mystery guy." Max hopped out of her bed and jumped into mine. Getting under the covers with me, she waited for me to entertain her.

"God!" I rolled my eyes and then smiled. "Ok." Choosing the "Aaron" folder in my photos app, I began scrolling through the less vulgar photos of he and I, not forgetting to also show his surfing pictures.

"He's hot!" Max yelled. "Oh my God, Giselle. You two would make the perfect little blond surfing babies." She laughed.

We both laughed in unison. She was right. Aaron was very attractive. He had the perfect muscular build that he acquired from years of baseball and surfing. He was just too much like my parents. I always guessed that's why they approved of him so quickly. Always wanting to know everything and steer me where they thought I should be. How could I have traveled thousands of miles from home, but every time I answered my phone, I'm right back in California being piloted and controlled by those close to me? I made a mental adjustment to my list of goals, adding, detach from my family. It was necessary for me to set up my own boundaries as I ventured into adulthood and found my way. It was either that, or I'd be their little puppet forever.

"Am I allowed to ask?" Max began climbing out of my bed.

"What?"

"Angel?" She shrugged.

"What about him?"

"More like him and you."

"We're friends. Well, according to him, we're nothing." It hurt to admit those words came from him. They were the last words I wanted to hear or believe.

"He said that?"

"Yup."

"What an ass."

"Tell me about it." I laughed. I could tell Max wanted to say more, but she didn't. I was grateful.

Rushing out of bed, I showered and prepared for the day. I had no classes to attend, but I had received a bid for Pi Phi Theta, a sorority every woman in my family pledged. Growing up, I had already attended many philosophy meetings with my mom and aunts. So, there weren't many things about the organization that I didn't know. Secrecy was my best friend. No one could know until I was official and as poignant as it sounds, I enjoyed sneaking around. In a month, I'd be attending initiation, so all of my free time was going to reviewing bylaws, ideals, and governance structures. I managed to avoid being hazed by luck. My family's name held weight everywhere. It was what they were most proud of.



"You will pledge Pi Phi Theta your freshman year. Don't forget that. It's very important. I've already reached out to the President and had a word."

"Mom, you've been planning this my whole life. You don't have to remind me. I made my list and It's at the top." Wanting desperately to please her, to make her proud, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. "I will make you proud."

"I'm already proud of you, honey." My mother's voice was so gentle and sweet. She was the epitome of kindness and love. Knowing this, it always caused a certain pain in my heart trying to understand how she couldn't bring herself to truly love me. To truly be there.

"I mean, I just want to accomplish enough to be enough, mom."

"Be enough of what? For what?" The frown plastered on her brow caused concern. Did she really not understand how I felt?

"To be enough to stay home. To love me. To support me by my side rather than from across the world, mom. Are you serious right now?" Before I knew it, I was raising my voice and becoming quite hostile. "I've been alone my whole life, trying my hardest to make you and dad see me. To make you believe in me enough to just want to be around."

"Don't you dare start that tonight. This is an important moment for your dad." She approached me quickly, defensively, finger to my forehead.

"Right." Tightening my lips to keep from saying another word, I took one last look in the mirror. Her mirror. First gazing over at her, completing her makeup with a red lip. Then, peering at myself, feeling unsatisfied. Without further hesitation, I exited the bathroom and found my way to our table.

"Everything okay, Star?" My dad asked, placing his napkin in his lap.

"Yes." I lied, not even bold enough to look him in the eye.

"Good. Smile and look the part. I need you to seal the deal for this family tonight." My dad didn't even look at me. He didn't even notice how disoriented I was. All he cared about was getting his stupid award and making a stupid impression. But what about me? What about my feelings and my needs?

"You sure you're okay?" Aaron whispered in my ear, leaning over in an effort to make sure only I could hear him.

"No."

We were in the company of prestigious men, in a society that my dad was a part of, as he was accepting an award for his work in Australia and Thailand. I still had no idea what kind of work my dad really did. To be honest, I didn't know much about my dad. Everyone was dressed in their best tuxedos and gowns, glistening wrists, necks, and ears. I was wearing a champagne-colored gown, made of silk. A rose gold fur stole covering my shoulders, which laid bare underneath. I felt beautiful and ugly at the same time. Funny how fancy things could make you feel amazing on the outside while your soul burned from within.

I played my part. I smiled genuinely, laughed at not so funny jokes, allowed hands to graze beneath a child's limits of appropriate touches, smiled more, spoke less, and held it together for the sake of "family". It was painful, smothering my feelings so that my parents could have their way. Aaron held my hand most of the night. He stood by me, placing his hand gently on me to remind me he was there. Out of all the people in my life, he knew me. He knew when I was uneasy or uncomfortable. He knew when I was bothered or just having a hard time. But what could he do? He was a puppet himself. Sometimes I felt he only pursued me because his parents thought I was a good match. Sometimes I felt that I was hurting so bad, I made up more things to hurt myself with. I was damaged.


ONE FRIDAY AFTER MY CLASSES, I took my seat at our usual table in the café. As I was distracted by sorority activities, I arrived after everyone had already settled and finished half of their food. Maxine saved me a seat, knowing that I would eventually arrive. To my surprise, Angel was sitting directly across from my spot.

"Who do we owe the pleasure of this visit to, blondie?" Loki shouted from the other end of the table.

"Fate, Loki." Sarcasm was never my strong suit, but it was a learned response from dealing with guys like him. Always prying. I shoved a few French fries into my mouth.

"Sheesh. I see you've worked up an appetite." Sevyn whispered from my left.

"You have no idea." Laughing with her, I avoided looking up, feeling a pair of eyes on me I wasn't ready to address.

"You ready to catch those waves today?"

I'd promised Zack a surfing 'date'. It wasn't a typical date, being that I was with someone and highly uninterested. It was just a plan to head out and catch waves together. Besides, I was never one to turn down a beach trip. It was only one of my favorite hobbies.

When I was ten years old, my father took me out to the beach on our own. We were usually accompanied by my mom and a few others, but not this particular time. This day, he took me with him, alone. We packed our boards, a picnic blanket and basket, and he spent the entire day giving me his undivided attention. A day like that with my father sounds like music to any young girl's ears; like something someone would appreciate and cherish. The problem is, the reason he took it upon himself to step in makes it a tragedy. Since I could remember, I had a problem seeking attention and love from people who didn't naturally want to give it. With my parents, it was almost impossible. Being their only child, I lacked companionship from the start, having to deal with my parents going on an abroad hiatus multiple times a year, being raised by nannies, seeing my aunts more than most. So, I found myself a rebellious edge that always seemed to get me what I wanted. I found myself a way to survive.

"Where are you guys going?" Loki asked, watching me demolish the rest of my food without a breath and standing quickly.

"Surfing."

"Like a date?" A wide smile stretched across his curious face.

"Yup. Why not?" I lied, quickly grabbing Zack and making a run for it. I didn't move fast enough to miss Angel's reaction to my answer. His head shot up as he locked eyes on me, probably wondering if I was serious. I didn't give him the satisfaction of finding out. Disinclined to the idea of giving him the pleasure of believing Zack didn't stand a chance, I left no time for doubts.

"Good luck out there! Try to relax and have some fun." Zack ran towards the ocean, filled with excitement. I watched him as I trailed closely behind.

Once out in the ocean, I cleared my head and rode the thrill of nature like I was appointed to master the sea and everything above and beneath it. Filled with purpose and life, I released all of the week's stress, all of my worries, and took out my anger on every wave I went up against. My body felt amazing, crashing into the ocean at times, washing away all doubt and cleansing me of all my troubles. I felt more alive than ever, and I didn't want it to be over. But all good things must come to an end, right?

"So, are you coming to the first beach party of the semester, tonight?" Zack asked, sitting next to me on a blanket I laid out.

I crossed my legs, peering out at the sunset, feeling at peace. "Of course. I'll be there with Maxine and Sevyn."

"Cool. Me, Loki, Angel, and V are all meeting up in a few to pregame. Y'all are welcome to come?"

"Oh. Thanks. I have something I have to do before. I'll probably be late to the beach party anyway." Looking at my phone for the time, I realized I'd spent more time out in the water than I intended. There was a sorority meeting that was mandatory for all pledges to attend and if I didn't hurry, I'd be late. I jumped up and started packing up my things. "Can you return my board for me? I have to go."

"Wait. Really?"

"I'm so sorry. I can't be late. I have to go."

Running towards the parking lot, I remembered that I didn't have a car of my own, therefore how did I plan on getting there? So, I ran. It was only three blocks away and if I was quick, I would make it there one minute early. So, I ran.

"You're late Ms. Mone."

"I'm so sorry. I—"

"You think you're special. You think you deserve special treatment."

"No!" She had me all wrong. I was grateful that I wasn't treated as harshly as the other girls, but I didn't think I was more deserving or better than anyone.

"Alright, piglet. We'll see you at the beach party tonight. And you address me as Queen. Nothing less." She huffed. "Be prepared for the worst. Now get out!"

"What? I ran all the way here."

"Well, now you can run back. Get out!"

Looking around at the other pledges, they had no concern in their eyes for me. Who could blame them? I watched them be treated like trash every day without an ounce of pity or care. Now it was my turn. I knew she was going to humiliate me. Butterflies were doing summersaults in my stomach as I exited the building. Rushing out of the door, I found myself stuck and filled with fear. Panic. 



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