Chapter 13: Colette

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  It's taking all of my energy to pry my eyelids open, but all I can manage is a squint. I'm surrounded by nothing but white. White ceilings, white walls, white curtains. Where am I? I can feel something holding my hand, something warm and rough, with callouses and lines. I pull my arm closer to me so I can take a look at what it is.

  "Colette, you're awake."

  I barely manage to lift my head up. The room starts spinning and colors begin swirling around. My swollen eyelids droop down, and I forcefully open them again. The spinning finally comes to a halt, and everything goes back to normal.

  "Mom... where am I?" I try to ask, but all that escapes me is a whisper.

  "You're in the hospital, dear." She sighs, but I can see a sliver of a smile appear on her face.

  "What happened?"

  "You called me and I didn't really catch what you said, but I called an ambulance. The paramedics said something was blocking your airway, and you didn't have enough oxygen in your body, so you passed out." She rubs the back of my hand with her thumb.

  That explains the device strapped to my nose, and the huge tank next to me. I instantly remember what happened. Brett sent me those texts, I broke down, couldn't breathe. It was awful, I thought I was going to die. I couldn't breathe, my vision was blurry from the tears and it felt like my brain was shutting down.

  Mom presses a button and Dr Turner pops in a minute later.

  "Hello Miss Tang, how are you feeling?" He asks.

  "I feel very dehydrated and sore, and my chest hurts too," I say, struggling to prop myself up. I don't think I've ever felt so shitty in my entire life, both physically and mentally. He gives me a look of pity.

  "Okay, well, let me give you a quick examination before we proceed with any treatments." He presses a button that lifts the bed up so that I'm sitting upright.

  Mom leaves the room to let Dr Turner do his examination. He uses a flashlight to check my pupils, and he checks the records on the clipboard.

  "The IV drip will help you feel more hydrated, and the gas will introduce more oxygen into your system. You do realize that with your condition, you need more oxygen than other people since the plants take in about 35% of your oxygen and produce more carbon dioxide than your body can handle. Do you remember what happened to cause this?"

  "I... I can't remember what exactly, but I was very agitated by some text messages. I couldn't really breathe, and I think I blacked out after that," I try to recall.

  "Agitated? So there's some emotional trauma that escalated too rapidly. I'll get the psychiatrist here and you can talk about it. Then we can decide what kind of medication to put you on." He puts the clipboard down.

  "Thanks doctor," I sigh.

  "No problem." He leaves the room. I'm all alone, as I always am. Shit.

  My psychiatrist, Dr Laurent, pops in after a few minutes for the second part of the checkup.

  "So Colette, can you remember what happened this morning?" She stares at the clipboard.

  "Well... I can't remember what exactly happened, but what I can recall so far is receiving some texts that threatened my relationship currently with him."

  "Can you elaborate?" She slides a chair next to me and takes a seat.

  I briefly inform her about what happened, everything from the wedding to the messages.

  "Well, I believe that the cause of this episode is agitation, and to prevent something like this from happening again, we'll have to go through some breathing techniques." She writes something on her clipboard.

  "That's what Dr Turner said as well." I close my eyes and moan. My head starts pulsing and the oxygen being pumped into my body isn't helping it at all.

  "What's wrong, Colette?" She asks, concerned.

  "My head is hurting and I feel like throwing up." I try turning to my side so that my head would stop throbbing.

  "I'll get them to add some painkillers into your IV. I have to visit another patient now, would you like me to call your mother in here?" She asks.

  I nod gently while lowering the bed so that it would lie flat. All I want right now is to just drift off and deal with all of this later. I don't know when, but just later.

  She shuts the door gently and my eyelids start drooping, but about 5 seconds later they fly open as my mother's shrill voice floods the room.

  "Colette! Dr Turner told me about your condition. How could you not tell me that you have this disease?" She sits herself down on the chair next to me.

  "I didn't want you to worry, Mom." I sigh as I prop my bed up to face her.

  "So, why did you break up with Wallace if all of this is because of him?" She holds my hand gently.

  "Mom, it's not Wallace."

  "Then who is the man?" She asks.

  I stay silent. I really don't want to tell her. She's nice and all, but she can also get fiercely protective and I really don't want her to tell Brett about this. I'd rather I just leave quietly than have him live with... well, whatever he'd feel about this situation. I'm not sure I can provide him with the closure he needs, so I'd rather just not open to begin with.

  "Colette, tell me. I'm your mother, you can tell me anything."

  "I... I don't want to say," I turn away, back-facing her.

  "It's Brett, right?"

  How does she know? Mothers always have a way. Well I guess now she knows, but thing is, the reason I never told her about the real repercussions of Hanahaki is because I didn't want her to coerce or guilt Brett into doing something that he doesn't want to. I really don't want her to go looking for Brett right after she leaves the hospital.

  "So what if it's him? It's not like I can force him into doing anything. I don't want him to feel pressured into doing anything."

  "So you'd rather die for someone who will never know how you feel about him than tell him?"

  It does make some sense. I mean as much as it sounds kind of selfish, it's true. I'm throwing so much away as a risk, a risk that isn't even 50-50. What if for some reason he isn't the actual one, and this is just some fluke, and my real true love is somewhere out there waiting for me. If he really felt the same way, would he be sending those messages? Would he even be dating Diana in the first place?

  Would all this even be happening in the first place?

  "I would like it if you went for the surgery." Mom squeezes my hand.

  Surgery?

  Dr Turner mentioned that surgery would mean me forgetting every single feeling I've ever had for Brett, even the platonic ones. Then there's what Wallace told me. It's do or die either way. Perhaps it was because I valued what we had that I never considered surgery in the first place, or perhaps I was too blinded by fantasies, but somehow life always kind of falls into place.

  The words "I don't think we're suited to be friends, and I don't think we should continue with whatever this is" flash across my mind, and sadness hits me hard like a tidal wave. How could Brett say something like that? Granted he obviously doesn't feel the same way as I do, but how could he throw away a friendship that lasted more than a decade for a girl that he just started dating a few months ago? 

  Maybe that's the so-called "true love" every romance novel has referenced. Maybe the texts were the universe telling me that it's time to let go. Maybe Brett and I were never meant to be friends in the first place. Maybe I was the one who clung on when I wasn't supposed to. Maybe this is my wakeup call.

  "I promise you, I'll think about it."

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