This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Soulmates didn't hurt each other like this.
Even though Stone believed he was doing the right thing for Aubree—for both of them—he still wound up hurting her.
He wanted to have faith in whatever message he would receive from the Spirit Walker, but faith was something he lacked the moment Adelaide was taken from him.
Hope was something he couldn't invest his heart in.
Perhaps he was wrong to deny Aubree that same hope, but he couldn't bear the thought of seeing her crushed after hoping for the best when what they had right now was as good as it was going to get.
What if this was it? The constant tension between them, unable to fully seal the matebond, and slowly driving each other crazy, hurting each other over and over again.
There had to be a way of controlling it. Of controlling himself.
With protection, they could still fulfill their physical needs without getting pregnant.
If he could just stop himself from marking her...
What if he couldn't give her the pups she wanted? What if she changed her mind and didn't want to be with him? He didn't want to give up on her, but if she couldn't be truly happy with him, then what right did he have to have her by his side?
He could feel her every emotion leaking through her skin when he touched her. The pain and anger festered so deep within, it hurt him to know that he had done this to her. Worst of all, he didn't know how he could fix it.
Pressing his forehead gently to hers, he inhaled her tainted scent as he brushed his fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "You're right. I took away your hopes and dreams, and I shouldn't have. I don't want to see your heart break."
"I'm a big girl, Stone. I can handle it."
If it weren't for the hurt still leaking through his touch, he would have smiled a little.
"I don't know what to do."
"I don't know either," she said.
"Do you want to be with me?"
She nodded. There was no hesitation there, and that filled him with relief. There was still hope. If he could hope for anything, it would be her. He had to put his faith in her.
His head was aching. His body needed sleep, but he didn't want to leave her like this.
Sensing his weariness, she pulled away but held onto his hand as she turned to go up the stairs. He followed her up to their room, drew the heavy drapes closed over the window, and climbed into the bed together. They held each other in silence. The sunlight blotted out, but there was still enough light for both of them to see each other.
His eyelids began to droop and he closed them as he listened to the steady beating of her heart.
"I know you mean well, but at least let me hope that there is a possibility we can have children," she said. "What exactly is it that makes humans die giving birth to lycan babies?"
He huffed lightly. Clearly, she wasn't ready to give up on this topic yet. Not that he had any answers. "I don't know. I've been trying to reach the only lycan I know who might have some answers, but Amora is nowhere to be found."
He couldn't go to the Council either. Chances were, they wouldn't know since there was no known case of a lycan's soulmate being human. Their automatic response would be to forcibly end their bond—whatever that may entail.
"I have considered the possibility that the outcome would be different since we are soulmates and the impregnated humans in the past were not. But... I can't justify the risk without finding out more information to ensure your safety." He pulled her closer and nuzzled the top of her head before inhaling her scent to relax him.
"Do you think it's possible?"
"I told you, I don't know." He couldn't help but grin at her stubborn hope. "But I already intend to ask that question, among others, when we go to visit the Spirit Walker. Believe me, this has been on my mind for a long time. I knew it would be difficult to reach Amora but it's taking me longer than expected. I wanted to have this solved before you came here."
Opening his eyes, he looked into hers as he tilted her head up with his finger. "Perhaps I should have told you first, but I was hoping to have all of this taken care of, so there would be no need for you to worry. I promised you that I would find a way to make this work. Do you remember?"
Her tear-streaked face after the first time he kissed her flashed in his mind. All he wanted then was a chance to be with her. A chance to make her happy, to fall in love, to accept him—before the brutal reality had punched him in the gut.
They got through it, and she chose to be with him and whatever mysteries that entailed. He should have told her everything, but he didn't and he couldn't change the past. He had only the present and the future now to correct this mess he had made in her heart.
She nodded as he brushed his thumb over her cheek. Too many tears had fallen from her eyes since she met him and he couldn't erase the pain he had inflicted upon her heart. The mistakes kept piling up. He could correct them, he knew he could, but he wasn't sure how to. He couldn't rely on the matebond to fix everything for him. He had only himself and Aubree's will to forgive him.
"There was so much I wanted to tell you then, but couldn't. Nothing has gone right from the start."
She sighed as she closed her eyes and lowered her head to nuzzle into his chest again. "I know. And I know you mean well and want to protect me, but you need to start treating me less like a child. Just because I'm human doesn't mean that I'm helpless."
He knew she was right, but it would be hard for him to wrap his head around it. Not only because of the view he had on humans over the last eight hundred years, but because of the blood he had shed, and how humans had changed his life on more than one occurrence.
How could he ever tell her all of that? Of the lives he had taken, and the one that nearly destroyed him?
It was an accident...
"Stone?" she asked. "What's wrong? I can feel your emotions too when I touch you."
Swallowing, he pushed back on the bile that had risen up his throat and made his stomach clench.
He didn't want to tell her this secret. Not now. It was too painful. He almost lost everything and everyone because of it. Would it be too much for her to understand and forgive?
Of all the mistakes he had made, this one had been the biggest of his life, and nothing could erase those memories from his mind.
And yet, here he was, a hundred and seventy years later, making more mistakes with his soulmate. She deserved better than that. She deserved to know the truth, that he was an embarrassment to his own species and everything they stood for.
The irony that the Goddess would give him a human soulmate was cruel.
"Aubree," he hesitated over his words, "I will share with you all of my secrets some day. I have made many mistakes that I can't erase from my past, and I will not allow myself to..." He swallowed back the emotion clogging up his throat. "I can't risk making mistakes with you. Please respect and understand me on this."
"Stone, I understand all that, and yes, I can respect it. But it's the fact that you kept something so important from me that has upset me. Is there anything else, life-threatening, that I should know about?"
"Look at me." He tilted her head up so that he could look her in the eye. "In regards to your well-being, I have told you all that I know. If I bite you, I turn you into a monster. If I impregnate you, you will die giving birth. I know of no other threats that I can inflict on you, other than accidentally hurting you with misguided strength. Lycans and humans were not meant to interbreed, and these were measures used against us in our creation."
Closing his eyes, he sighed as he rubbed his face, searching his tired head for anything he missed. "Our laws were created to protect humans from these measures. If a lycan is caught having sexual relations with a human, it is taken before the Council to determine the punishment. If the lycan used force on the human, the punishment is death. If it was consensual... I don't know. These types of issues only happen once in a century, perhaps. We are raised to see humans as pitiful, weak creatures, and are forbidden from interfering with their world and affairs."
He chewed on his bottom lip, thinking over the consequences he'd be faced when the Council found out about Aubree. What would they do?
"Is that what you think of me?" Her voice sounded unsure, as if she didn't know whether to be offended by his statement or to just accept it for what it was. "Do you think of me as a pitiful, weak creature?"
A shadow of a smirk pulled on his lips and widened as he spoke. "Physically, yes." He touched her head. "But your mind," then he touched the place above her heart, "and your heart," then he reached back up to tip her chin so he held her gaze once more, "and your soul... they are strong. They will make you a good luna for this pack, if you want to be."
She humphed. "I guess I can't argue with that. But what are you saying? I don't have to be luna if I don't want to?"
"Of course not. Whatever you want. True, it would be better for the pack if you accept the role as luna because we are soulmates, but Gwen is capable of filling the role if you do not wish to have it."
"And what exactly does a luna do?"
"The same thing the alpha does, only she is more the emotional side and alpha is more the logical side."
She waggled her eyebrows at him. "Does that mean I still have no say in anything?"
He could feel her anger subsiding and the little wiggle of her brows reassured him that she was cooling off and listening carefully to what he was telling her.
"No, if anything you have more say. We are equals. I consult with you first before anyone else—unless it's regarding battle strategies. Then, I'm sorry, Röslein, I must seek out Gunner's counsel first," he said with the slightest hint of playfulness in his tone before becoming serious again. "But you will be required to attend every meeting and have your say in decisions as well."
A smug look crossed her face, satisfied with his response. "Good."
He swallowed. It was more complicated than that. "Sooner or later, we will have to meet with other packs or the Council. I don't know what will happen with the Council, but I can prepare you for meeting other packs. One of these days, I want you to learn how to defend yourself—with your body and with weapons. I will not have others looking down on you because you are human."
The slight acidic smell of nervousness wafted up to him.
She lowered her gaze. "Do I embarrass you because I am human?"
He hesitated, not sure how to answer that. When he was with her, he wasn't. But he hadn't shown her to others outside his pack besides Hector and Rosemary. Even though they accepted Aubree as Stone's mate didn't mean others would. Did that mean he was embarrassed by her or worried about her well-being if others found out? Would they try to take her away from him and report him to the Council?
He reached out and cupped her cheek in his palm, urging her to raise her head and meet his gaze once more.
"No. I am worried, however, that because you are human, other alphas will not take you seriously. More than that, I am worried that the Council will forcibly take you away from me. These are risks that exist whether or not you are luna. If you want to be luna, then I must insist that you learn all there is to know about our kind, our world, our history, and our religion so that you can not only better understand our ways and how to live with us, but to be able to prove yourself mentally and emotionally strong enough for this role. You will never be physically strong enough to out-match one of us in a fight, but that doesn't mean you can't be smart enough to put another alpha in his place. I know you can do that."
He stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. "I would like for you to learn to defend yourself. You have no wolf to depend on, so self-defense training would be a valuable asset for you. If you are ever alone and facing an enemy, I want you to be ready for it. Would that be okay?"
Her heart thumped anxiously as she took a deep breath before exhaling. "I guess I have no choice, huh? Given the threats, it would be a good idea just in case."
He brushed his lips across her forehead. "I know it's frightening. I don't expect you to make any decisions right now, but please think about it. We can keep you safe, but we can also empower you. You don't have to feel dependent on us. I wouldn't want you to because I don't think it will make you happy."
She shook her head.
Closing his eyes, he smiled to himself. He knew she liked her independence. He loved that about her, but he suspected it would also cause some friction. She would want more than he was comfortable giving. The sooner she agreed to train and build her skills, the more comfortable he would be in granting her the freedom to come and go as she pleased.
He wanted to trust that she could keep herself safe. The sooner, the better.
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Dedicated to MzKnowitAll
*Copyright Jo Lee Hunt (Joflower) 2016*
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