40. Change

Background color
Font
Font size
Line height

Laura's POV

I had to admit I had become one of the most selfish people I knew. I felt like I had to be in order to survive the chaos in my head. I was ridiculously self destructive. And I knew I shouldn't let anyone near me until I had healed but I was dumb, lonely, and desperate. When Chris snuck back into my life I didn't realize the effect it had on me, this malicious loneliness. It had forced me to open my arms to a love I knew I didn't deserve. To a love I knew I had the possibility of destroying.

Chris was a small light in my dark world. I had left it dark because for some reason the light was blinding.

He told me about his promotion and how he had the choice to conveniently move into my new city. He asked for permission as if I owned the area. I knew, I knew I should have said no but his offer was appealing and God I was lonely.

It was a couple months in and I was purposely isolating myself. My colleagues were decent and frequently invited me to gatherings but I would refuse everytime.

I wasn't feeling it. I was never up for it.

I also found myself easily annoyed by them. Some of the nurses were snobs, some were idiots, and some just wouldn't shut up.

I didn't feel like myself. I honestly felt like a stranger.

When Chris reached out to me he was already in town. We met up for coffee and I think that was the pivotal moment. Seeing him walk into the coffee shop flexed in his leather jacket and dark wash jeans triggered something within me.

My heart used to jump out of my chest.

He pulled me into his arms and hugged me till my toes were barely touching the ground. He was still so big and solid. We chatted for hours; telling me about my friends since my mom kept me up to date about the family.

Automatically I felt like a horrible friend. Some of the things he was telling me I had no idea about. Either they didn't tell me or I wasn't asking the right questions. Sadly, it didn't even bother me enough.

I ended the night by asking him to stay. He was so stinking happy. I didn't realize my approval meant so much to him. Chris got an apartment a block from me, walking distance.

He immediately became the concerning friend, telling I wasn't eating enough. He'd sweetly bring me food and occasionally watch movies with me. I hardly opened up to him because I didn't have much to say. Work was dumb and boring and life outside of it involved him.

I shamelessly admit I was the one who started to get physical. I didn't have to do much convincing. We had old chemistry and I'd find myself picking fights with him just so I could get a glimpse of the old him. This Chris was compassionate and caring. He had grown a habit of taking care of me and letting me get away with shit. And I hated it.

I could have murdered a person and he would have helped me cover it up.

He wasn't the Chris I knew. Wasn't that a good thing?

This Chris was spending his days finding cures, nights watching over my life a mother hen, then feeding the homeless on weekends.

Who was this man?

I felt stuck; stuck while I had to watch everyone around me grow and move on. I couldn't move on. I wouldn't allow myself. Something was holding me down in place, not letting me move on.

I began to envy Chris.

God, I was so stupid and selfish. He was changing and I was moving in reverse. I wanted him to be in my darkness; to join me. No longer did I admire his light. I wanted to burn it out.

He would do anything for me, for reasons I couldn't even understand. I was awful and I knew it. I was toxic and I wanted to drag him down with me.

We did grown closer physically. We took it slow at first, holding hands and cuddling. He'd let me take the lead, out of pity no doubt. I'd play with him and press his buttons because I was finally comfortable with him again. I'd purposely lay on his lap, rub his privates "accidentally" till the point he'd tell me to stop. I loved it but he wouldn't play back. Respecting me was his primary concern.

I think he really wanted to respect my wishes of saving myself till marriage. That was before though. It didn't matter now. Not anymore.

This one particular night Chris invited me to a dinner with his co- workers. Technically we were boyfriend and girlfriend at the time. I truly wanted to refuse. I never felt like going out especially socially. But he really wanted me to so I did. I put on the best dress I owned that I knew he loved, threw on some makeup, and forced myself to look in the mirror. A beautiful stranger.

On the outside I looked so put together but on the inside I was crumbling.

He obviously looked amazing. I loved his massive arms and chest. Best part was he looked great in a suit too.

He looked so happy staring at me. I. Me. I put a huge smile on his face.

I smiled back and he kissed me very lightly on the lips. "You look amazing."

He said it so many times before it was hard to believe him.

The party was at an exclusive club. His work had rented out the VIP section. It was private but smaller than expected. We were so close to each other, to everyone.

I felt claustrophobic. And once I looked out into the crowd and saw so many people dancing radically I got nauseous.

I pretended it didn't effect me but I hadn't been inside a club since that horrible night. I brushed it off for Chris and tried to be social with his friends. I did good for the first 30 minutes but then I needed a drink or two to settle my nerves. I was drinking alcohol more frequently than usual. Chris acted as if he didn't mind but I could tell he didn't approve. He agreed with Clare that I was turning to alcohol more than I should.

But I didn't care. Another hour and I was feeling good and tipsy. The noise and heat from the surrounding bodies didn't bother me anymore. The bad part was that I was wearing high heels in order to appear sexy for Chris. I was making an effort because honestly I knew I hadn't been. He was trying so hard for me and I was being selfish. This was his night. I wanted to please him... for a few hours at least.

He was so... good and amazing. The complete opposite of the man I loved to hate. Maybe it was the wine stirring up all these emotions but it was true. Chris had transformed into some kind of f-ing prince charming.

There was no way though, right? It was all an act. I tried to convince myself. No one could be that self righteous within such a short amount of time.

My evil bitchy side suddenly wanted to come out and prove that theory. I needed to find a way for him to get angry at me. Might be a bit difficult considering he always gave me the get out of jail free card. He was distracted by one of his buddies, engrossed in a very deep, philosophical debate.

I pretended to trip and land on one of his other buddies. The guy grabbed me before I could tip over and I sat upright on his lap. I giggled like a pathetic idiot and apologized but I didn't get off him. I needed Chris to catch us.

I played the flirty drunk and started to compliment his quick reflexes and strong arms. They weren't that impressive but it sure gased him up and he got comfortable. I wanted to cringe back,  thank goodness for the wine.

I felt kind of bad doing this to Chris but I knew he'd eventually get over it. I laughed harder, tracing my hands over the guy's arms. He was talking, smiling yet I couldn't hear a word. My focus was on the incredibly sad expression on Chris' face.

He was hurt.

He rushed over to where we were sitting and stretched out his hand for me. "Laura. Get up."

I giggled and shrugged. "Why?" My eyes were a bit droopy from the alcohol.

He took me by the arm forceful and I grinned. It was working. He was pissed. "You had a lot to drink. I think it's time to go home."

He wrapped an arm around my waist to steady me. I tried to shove him back knowing damn well it was no use. "No. I'm fine."

My hands roamed over his body. "Dance with me." I pleaded, testing him.

He wasn't having it.

His looked so damn hot mad at me. Chris was pretty massive. The man worked out nearly everyday. He could easily toss me over his shoulder and drag me home. But he was of course was gentle with me. He remained composed, not sure for me or for his friends.

I swayed my hips to the music and tip toed to his serious stance. I kissed his neck, trailing up and down knowing how much he loved it.

"Let's go home." I whispered with a vicious hunger.

He didn't hesitate. He grabbed my coat from the table we sat at and quickly said goodbye to his friends. I felt the tiny bit sad I was ruining his fun but I did plan to make it up to him tonight.

I stayed quiet in the car to let him calm down and collect his thoughts. I could imagine the million things going on in his head. Disappointment, anger, sadness, jealousy, maybe not even disappointment. Perhaps he already forgave me like he always did.

He opened my apartment door and let me go in first, such a gentleman. I set my coat on the couch and turned to see him watching me intently. His beautiful green eyes fell from my face down my body and back up to my shoulders. He was avoiding my gaze so I went to stand in front of him. My heels clicking on the wooden floors was a lapse of time.

I took off his jacket for him, throwing it on the floor and tracing his biceps. "You're mad at me." I spoke in an innocent voice.

His eyes remained cold, distant, but fixed on my lips. I licked them to entice him.

Chris clinched his jaw as I got up on my tippy toes. "I'm sorry. Forgive me. Please."

I kissed his neck, seducing him. He loved when I sucked on his neck.

"Please."

This time he wrapped his arms around my waist. I knew his weakness. I knew how to bend him to my will.

Chris leaned into me and I worked my way to his lips. He yielded to my every touch,  letting me do with him everything I desired. He had become so righteous in the past few months, so good. I wanted to sink my claws into him and drag him to hell with me.

I was sick. I was a selfish bitch but I couldn't stop. I was his weakness and I loved it.

I somehow unnoticeably unzipped his pants and began to tug them down. Chris shook his head and grabbed my wrists as reality stuck.

"No. Laura we can't." He pleaded with me.

I could hear the resilience in his voice. He was going to be easy to sway. I knew that from the beginning.

"Why? Don't you love me?" Of course he did. That wasn't the issue. He wanted to respect me and guard whatever was left of my virtue.

"Laura..." he begged as I wiggled my hands free of his grasp and continued to taint him.

My sweet, sweet Chris. There was a time in our lives where he enjoyed hurting me; when he didn't give a damn about my feelings. It was the complete opposite now. He treated me like a precious China doll.

"Show me. I need to feel how much you love me."

In truth I didn't have to do much seducing. Our physical attraction was always there. Chris pulled me into him and with a blazing kiss sparked a desirable lust inside of me I thought I lost.

My fingers weaved into his thick hair as in some way to deepen our kiss. In the rush of the moment I bite his lip and he pulled back slightly.

"I need you." I kissed him again so he wouldn't doubt it. I wouldn't let him doubt anything.

I worked fast knowing his new found morals might kick in any minute. I unzipped the back of my dress and threw it down quickly. He froze a moment realizing what I had done. I was standing in arms length in my matching black under garments.

His hooded eyes loomed over my breasts and lace panties. I began unbuttoning his shirt as he remained still. He was fighting the urge to touch me. How sweet.

I ran my hands all over his glorious abs, pecks, and waist. He had that mouth watering v imprint pointing down to his "friend".

It was stupid but lately I often wondered how big he was.

"I need you." I whispered while showering his body with my tongue, kissing, sucking and pulling.

"We..." he struggled for the words as I bent down lower to get the rest of his pants off. "Can't."

He didn't even stop me. He wanted this. He wanted me. What was so wrong about it?

I came back up and placed my hand over his bulge. Yes. He definitely wanted me.

"Why?" I wanted to try and soothe his worry.

"I don't want to hurt you." He responded holding onto my shoulders for the mere will to end it all.

Not only did he mean physically but also mentally.

"Show me what it feels like to be loved. Make love to me Chris. I trust you."

Those were the magic words. He gave into me, lifting me into his embrace by grabbing my thighs and hoisting me up.

I used to believe the reason I remained a virgin was for the Lord. And I think it was definitely a part of it. I wanted to be a good girl and save myself for marriage but another reason, one that truly scared me, was giving myself to another person. I had to give a part of me to a man and it scared the shit out of me. But that didn't apply anymore.

I had nothing to give Chris, not really. He might not have realized it but I was empty. There was nothing for him to take and perhaps that was why it was so easy to commit this sin with him. He was giving me love but I couldn't return it.

He was so gentle and passionate. I believe he was truly making love to me. He was slow and aware of my needs and reactions to everything he was doing to me.

Of course it hurt at first but I had grown a tolerance for pain or maybe I had always had it in me, this insane desire for pleasurable pain. It blossomed with Chris. The things we did to each other from the very beginning. I thought it was so crazy but I couldn't see us any other way. This was us.

He fell asleep with me laying on top of him.  I was exhausted and wanted to close my eyes but I couldn't. I went to my bathroom naked and unashamed.

I turned the hot water on and got into the shower. His scent was all over me. Chris spent what seemed like hours kissing every inch of my body. His breath was lingering and I had this incredible urge to wash it off. The water was so hot it was turning my flesh red. I closed my eyes and sank to my knees as tears poured out of me.

What the hell was wrong with me?

"I love you." He continuously repeated throughout the night.

I guess the guilt had finally caught up to me. I wasn't afraid of him. Maybe that was what was going on through his head when I asked him to stop mid way through.

I didn't have any flashback, thank God, or anything like that.

I was consumed in this unimaginable numbness for so long that in this tiny moment it disappeared. I didn't think. I didn't have to. It felt good. It felt wonderful.

And I asked him for more, more of him, deeper, longer.

He gave me exactly what I wanted. So why did I feel so miserable now, afterwards?

I scrubbed my body thoroughly and threw on a shirt and some underwear before getting back into bed with him. I already hated myself for what I did to him and what I knew I'd continue to do to him.

Chris was in love. He'd constantly show me and frequently tell me. My response was more reflex than anything else.

Thankfully our "love making" wasn't a one time thing. He apologized that first time telling me it wasn't how he wanted it to happened.

It pissed me off actually. And I was a bitch for getting mad at him. He wanted more and I couldn't give it to him.

I knew how to play his cards. I knew exactly where to touch and how to rub. He was so much fun. It became... addictive, to him, to doing it with him. I wanted to learn everything he liked and loved during sex. It was exciting and the highlight of my days. I wanted it all the time, craved it. Chris was always more than willing. We both initiated sex but I more than him.

I knew I was becoming a bad distraction when he stopped doing charity work on the weekends. Or when I'd ask him to skip work or go in late because I wanted to feel him inside of me. He'd choose me every time.

Sex became more to me. I knew for some it added feelings, made a stronger connection for each other but I didn't get that. Having sex with Chris didn't created a deep attachment. It created an incredible escape. For a few hours I could disappear and let myself fall into an oasis of pleasure. During it I didn't feel empty or sad. I didn't feel depressed and it was a relief.

It was blissful.

I began seeing the difference in Chris. I had accomplished my goal.

He wasn't the repeated knight and shining armor anymore. Chris was becoming his old self. Lifting my ass off the ground randomly and inappropriately; slamming me into walls and furniture. I loved it though. I wanted this dark animal side of him. Fucking me anywhere and everywhere, however he liked.

I was starting to believe I was a nymphomaniac. I thought about sex with him all the time. Surprisingly he wasn't tried of it either.

"I love you." He said one night.

I was curled on top of his body, in his bed. We were both wet with sweat from our vigorous sex. My ass was sore from his continuous pounding and slapping. And when he touched it just now I gasped.

"Fuck." I winced and then laughed.

He frowned down at me. "What?"

"Your extra attention on my ass made it sore." I pushed off him to get out of his comfy bed.

I didn't feel like sleeping over. He loved to cuddle but I couldn't do it. I knew he would get used to it. Not that I didn't enjoy it but I figured I was leading him on too much already.

He grabbed my wrist to keep me from getting up. I exhaled waiting for the inevitable conversation.

"I love you." He said again.

I tried so hard to avoid this. Since getting together I hadn't uttered the words once. I knew he was dying to hear them, craving them.

"I know." I wiggled my wrist free and threw on his blue shirt from of the floor. It was long and would cover my private bits. "I can't say it back and mean it the way you do."

Chris sat up straighter, his massive shoulders glistening from the light of his lamp. I couldn't describe the depth of sadness in his eyes.

"Why Chris? Why in the hell do you love me?" I needed to open his eyes to the truth. He loved me out of pity. "I'm not kind. I'm selfish. What have I done for you? You're constantly there for me but what have I done for you?"

I sounded like the ultimate bitch and I wanted to make myself out as the villain. I was a horrible person.

He stared at me like I was a stranger. I waited.

Nothing.

"I take. I know I take. I haven't given you shit yet somehow you still love me. Why? How? I do nothing for you. I don't show you any type of affection other than fucking you."

The word felt cold and pungent on my tongue. I wanted it to be more. I felt his love. It was love making to him but I couldn't, wouldn't allow myself to see it as more. I didn't deserve more.

Chris clinched his jaw as my voice echoed in the room. I wanted him to get mad. I was using him just like he used me so long ago. I honestly didn't mean to hurt him. It wasn't my intention. That was why I ran away to another city. He followed me regardless.

This was bound to happen.

"I don't know how to love you." Especially when I hardly loved myself.

It was my mistake but also his. He knew my situation.

You are reading the story above: TeenFic.Net