55- numb.

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Onika's POV...

I came back home and directly went to check on Alex. After making sure he was sleeping peacefully, I made my way towards my room.

My head hurts, my heart hurts, Jacob's face keeps flashing infront of me, his pained express, his troubled eyes, like had went through a series of endless torture.....all because of me. I can't wash away the guilt that is painfully squeezing my heart.

Jacob went through all that pain, why didn't he ever tell me anything before?

He went through hell, what for, so that Agustin stays happy. Huh.

The irony of the situation suddenly hit me like a hammer, Can I even blame Jacob? Isn't that what I did as well, and the worst part is Agustin can still make me feel bad for him, like he is also a victim in all this, may be he is, as much as I would love to blame everything on Agustin somewhere I know he is hurt as well, one can't expect his own mother and best friend will betray him in that way, it has to be painful, it has to be hard.

Infact even I was completely astounded by Xavier's behaviour, like there must be some misunderstanding, Xavier can't do that to me, to us, we were quite close. I, Agustin, Jacob and Xavier, more than friends we were like a happy family, I thought we all could lean on each other even when the worst of time comes, it was almost like I got the family I never had, and just one conspiracy and everything was torn apart.

I couldn't believe it myself, I was actually waiting for me to wake up and realise that it is all just a nightmare, or may be they were just playing with me, anytime now and they will start laughing and say, 'got you princess', just like the innumerable times they used to do in the past.

And I will scold them and won't talk to them for days unless, they plead for my forgivness, for this time they had crossed all the boundaries, for scaring me to death like that, for giving me those fake disgusted looks that pained me so much, though I will give them the credit of being one hell of a good actor!

Deep down I knew they can't be kidding about something so big, but then again nor could I think that Xavier will be such a bastard, so I clung on the first possibility.

It was when Agustin started torturing me, I accepted the truth, that no one is going to pop out from behind the curtains and say that it's over, they had their fun, though as laughable as it sounds, the possibility always resided at the back of my head, in the form of some desperate hope, but I couldn't deny the truth anymore, because I couldn't imagine Agustin doing that to me even in my wildest dreams, so it has to be the truth and no act.

To be honest, if I were to be betrayed like that by my mother, for me it would have been nothing different than what Agustin did to me, so I can understand Agustin had also gone through the pain of being betrayed, betrayed by the someone he loved so dearly.

But Agustin knew me, how can he not, we were in a relationship for two years before marriage, giving me at least a chance to explain everything shouldn't have been that hard either, wasn't he the one who told me he will stand by my side no matter what, for fuck's sake we took all the vows to be there for each other till death do us part, and all I asked for was just to investigate into the matter for once.

I didn't fucking ask him to believe me over his mother or even his best friend, all I asked for was for him to just to listen to me for once, there wasn't any harm in that, or was there? Even the worst of the criminals get a chance to speak for themselves.

He had all the power, he could have done it within hours.....this is the part where I can't forgive him, not because he didn't chose me but because he never even considered the possibility that I could be right, even after everything we shared together, he never thought it was needed, he knew I was lying, there was never any doubt. It was that easy. It was that fucking easy, how convenient for Xavier, I meant nothing to Agustin, nothing.

Though I won't lie there are times when I come this close to forgiving him, seeing him try so hard to change, to make things right, it breaks something inside of me to see him so vulnerable, almost as if handing his heart in my palms to do as I please.

The only thing that is stopping me from forgiving him is that, I am not that naïve anymore. The day he actually realise his mistake, will be the day he let me go. Anything less than that is just some useless guilt without any meaning, genuine or not. Just like some weed taking roots in his heart, with no use.

If, even after destroying me all he could think is that he can't live without me, instead of acknowledging that I can't live with him, not after everything he did to me, not without recalling everything that he did to me, then his guilt is as useless as his 'so called' love was.

More than people's emotions, their attitude is what matters more to me now, I have got my priorities in order this time, so Agustin is not going to crack me, not now not ever, that is what I have learnt from Agustin. To focus on the latter. Because you have to live your life bearing the attitude of the person, emotions are just feelings locked inside your heart, making you weak.

Giving him a second chance would mean handing him the bullet that can directly pierce my heart, the one he closely missed the first time, I am not giving him any other chance.

I won't ever live with a person who can pose any kind of danger to my child.

I will wait for the day he realise, I can't live with a person I have nightmares of.

I can't love a person I have nightmares of.

Can anything be worse than that, the person who was supposed to protect you, is the one who scares you. If I can't feel safe and protected with the person I live, love or not, I would rather live alone.

Why do you have to spoil everything Agustin? Why does it has to be like this? It could have been so different, if you could have just tried for once to consider the possibility that I couldn't do that to you, instead of torturing me like a possessed man, I might have taken you back, huh, whom am I kidding, I would have taken you back in a heartbeat..... Fuck this, repeating the same thing again and again isn't going to change the past. He made his choice, now I have to make mine, that's it.

Sometimes I just want to run away from everything, run far away with Alex and live my life and just pretend that everything is fine. Nothing ever happened. I desperately need to get away from all this. Agustin needs to understand that in an attempt to break the walls around my heart, he is rather breaking me all over again, crushing my heart instead. Because I can never be as unfeeling towards him as he used to be towards me.

I rubbed my hand over my forehead in a soothing motion to ease the pain. I looked at my watch, it was past midnight. Time to call it a night. I badly need to just close my eyes and drift off in deep slumber.

I sighed tiredly and opened the door to my room.

It was dark, just a small beam of light entering the room through the window. I felt a wave of shiver ran through my body, as if something bad is about to happen. Strange. I waved off my instincts, I am just being paranoid, I thought.

I switched on the lights and turned to see. . . .Agustin sitting on my bed.

I could immidiatly feel fury rise in me like a volcano, what is he even doing here? Didn't I make this already clear that I will do as I please, if he thinks he could lecture me for being late as if he is my father, then he has got another thing coming. He doesn't need to act like my husband just because we are married on papers.

As I was about to give him a piece of my mind, I realized something was off about him, he wasn't even looking at me, his eyes were trained straight ahead, as if he had not even seen me, as if he is not even aware of his surrounding. Like he is in trance.

"Ag-Agustin? What's wrong?" I asked, worry taking over my anger.

He didn't say anything, didn't even look my way.

"Agustin, I am talking to you." My voice louder this time.

Nothing. My heart immidiatly picked a pace.

I hurriedly ran to him and got down on my knees infront of him and patted his cheek. "Agustin, what's wrong?" I asked softly this time, trying to keep my panic in check.

He looked down at me as if acknowledging my presence for the first time.

Our eyes locked and my breath hitched in my throat.

I have seen many emotions in his eyes, coldness, distant, pained, troubled, even love and admiration, but never something like this. It appeared.....dead, worry clawed at me, a shiver of fear running down my spine.

"Agustin what's wrong? Please talk to me."

Nothing.

He just kept staring at me without even blinking, almost like a statue, as if he could see me, but my voice is not reaching to his ears,

My panic increased exponentially, I have never seen him like this, not even after he thought I cheated on him, he was devastated but never like this.

I patted his cheek violently this time.

He didn't even moved a muscle.

"Agustin as you listening to me.?" My voice cracked his time.

Nothing.

"Please Agustin, say something you are scaring me, I am begging you, please" I cried out this time.

Something changed in his eyes and he blinked.....a lone tear escaped from the side of his frighteningly red eyes, making me want to crawl away rather than seeing him like this.

What he said next made me regret ever asking him what was wrong.

"You were pregnant-" He paused for a moment, another tear descending down his cheek. "--it was a girl"

My hands fell to my sides, feeling numb all of a sudden.

Our eyes were still locked, but there was a malignant silence, no one said anything. My breathing was coming out ragged, while Agustin's was barely audible.

I don't know what to say, I never even wanted him to find out, I never even want to discuss this.

"The report said there were marks of abuse all over your body--"

"Please stop" I cried out, my hand were shaking, my palms sweating heavily, and throat constricting painfully, an indication that I need my medicine.

"--It said you can never get pregnant again due to complications."

"Don't.... please don't." I covered my ears with both my hands, I could feel thousands of needles piercing my heart mercilessly.

I closed my eyes, to let the grief take over me, this is the thing I have always tried to avoid. Like it has never happened, may be never talking about it will make it less real, like it is just in my head, something my damaged mind has conjured. Because I knew this is my breaking point.

Agustin suddenly stood up and started walking out of the room.

"Wh-where are you going?" I asked, his action taking me by surprise.

He didn't say anything. I know we need to talk through this, I can't let him walk out of here like this...when he is not thinking clearly. And knowing his impulsive nature, I just know he can't be left alone right now.

But before I can stop him he was already out of the room, shutting the door behind him. I ran to the door, and tried to open it.

It was locked.

NO. Please No.

"Agustin, open the door, please, are you listening to me? Agustin."

I started banging the door hysterically.

Oh god no, please.

I tried to open the door again and again, shouting for him to come back till my voice was completely hoarse, throat raw and I couldn't shout anymore.

Then something click in my mind.

Jacob. Yes! I ran for my mobile phone to call Jacob.

******************************

So sorry for the late update, extends a chocolate cookie in apology.😧😧

How was the Chapter? Though many of you already guessed what it was, I am so proud of you guys! *Winks*

In case of any confusion please feel free to ask me, I always answer a direct question, though I will make things more clear in the next chapter.

Please let me know through your votes and comments if you like the chapter.😇😇

Lots of love,
Ricky ❤❤

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