When we finally pulled away, my skin felt flush and warm despite the crisp autumn air. Zac's breaths came out fast and shallow. His eyes were heavy lidded, a dazed amber gold. Both of our lips were slightly swollen and curled into sheepish smiles.

"Does that answer your question?" I asked breathlessly.

"I don't know, girls are kinda confusing," he kissed me again, lightly, on the nose and murmured, "Guess I'll hafta stick with this one until I figure it out."

I rolled my eyes and giggled. "You're fucking ridiculous."

"No, not ridiculous," Zac corrected as he gathered me into his arms, "Happy. I'm happy."

I stiffened, at first, before allowing myself to relax into his embrace. Zac's chest felt warm and solid against my back. His soft breaths tickled my hair. I felt dizzy with joy, elated even, but I fought hard not to let that inner glow seep out. Everything in the past few hours had escalated so quickly. Too quickly, in fact. Zac and I were swerving in such a drastic, unexpected direction that my brain had yet to catch up to my thrumming hormones.

At the epicenter of it all, there was the fuckload of new information that Zac had dropped on me about his dad, Lily's dad, and the fact that his mom thought he had been in Spain this whole time. I didn't know how to process any of it. To make matters worse, this beautiful, infuriating, unscrupulous boy, who had somehow snuck his way into my heart, would be leaving in a matter of weeks.

I thought I had since recovered from the mindless thrill of locking lips with Zac, but, quite suddenly, it was becoming a little difficult again to draw breath. The impact of his shocking confessions finally hit me. It felt a weight clamping down on my chest.

Was this what an anxiety attack felt like?

Instinctively, self-preservation kicked in.

"Actually, maybe it would be better if we don't try to figure anything out," I stammered, "I mean, I... like you, too, but I don't think we should date. Definitely not right now. Maybe not ever."

I hadn't intended for the words to trip out of my mouth in a clumsy, insensitive way. Zac's arm muscles tensed up around me. He cleared his throat. I could hear the confusion in his voice when he said, "That doesn't make any sense. In fact, it sounds kinda fucked up. I don't understand why you're being so hot and cold."

That was a fair statement. I wished I had a better explanation as well, though, even I wasn't sure how to string together all of my chaotic feelings into a cohesive argument, which meant something for a girl who has competed in national speech and debate tournaments for years. All I knew was that I wanted to pump the brakes on whatever was happening between Zac and me. Honestly, I was scared. Chicken-shit. Overwhelmed.

"I... don't wanna complicate our lives even more. You have enough to deal with in terms of your dad and your mom. Then, you'll go back in New York, and I'll still be here in Wellesley. Long distance is nice in theory, but how many people actually make it past a few months of Skype calls and weekend visits?"

I trailed off in withering tones.

Zac's expression turned stony. "Is that the only thing holding you back? You don't believe in long distance?"

"No, there's more."

"Tell me, then. I wanna know."

Feeling super awkward under his penetrating stare, I pressed on with far less bravado, "Well, you know how the end of the semester always gets so intense? I'll need to focus on finals and club competitions and holding onto my standing at Ashton Wellesley. Then, there's SAT prep. College apps. You know this shit never ends for someone like me. So, why start something that, realistically, neither of us can fully commit to? We're probably better off as friends. That way, at least, we won't end up disappointed each other."

With his golden eyes flickering with emotion, Zac clenched his jaw. Unclenched it. "The fuck? Am I hearing this correctly? What you're saying is, after analyzing the risks and rewards of dating me, you've decided that I'm not gonna yield the ROI you're looking for, so you're going to have to pass? Is that how your mind really works?"

I protested, "It's not that calculated—"

"Isn't it, though?"

"No, I'm just trying to protect our friendship—"

But Zac wasn't in the mindset to listen at all. His handsome features were twisted into pure disbelief. His eyes blazed like fire. I'd never seen him lose his cool so completely before.

My mouth snapped shut as he exclaimed angrily, "Humans aren't supposed to process every little thing like a goddamn machine! But that's how you're wired, isn't it? At the end of the day, everything still circles back to you, and your perfect life, and how you need to keep everything so fucking pristine even it it means stepping all over other people's feelings! Why did you even kiss me?"

"I kissed you because I wanted—"

He didn't let me finish, "To mess with my head? To get back at me for not telling you everything upfront?"

I retorted, "No, revenge is your specialty. Not mine."

"Fuck you."

Bizarrely enough, Zac's arms were still wrapped around me as though we weren't fighting like cats and dogs, but I could feel the tension rolling off his body in waves.

Taking a deep breath, I recentered myself and attempted once more to be honest with Zac, "I kissed you because I think you're hot and, despite everything that tells me otherwise, I want to believe that your intentions are in the right place, and I respect the hell out of you for fighting back against people that have hurt you and your family. I like you, Zac, more than I've ever liked any other guy, and these feelings really, really scare me. I'm not gonna do something stupid to fuck it all up before the timing feels right."

His militant posture eased somewhat as I moved on to address his other point of contention, "As for me putting school and my own interests above everyone else's, you're right. I'm being selfish, but, sometimes, a girl's gotta be selfish. I think you and I have both learned the hard way that no one's gonna look out for us when shit hits the fan. Not our acquaintances. Not our friends. Not even family. But that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I wanna be your friend. I wanna help you. Can you just... give me some time to sort things out in my head?"

As I lifted my hazel eyes to meet his gaze, Zac stared back with a hooded expression. He didn't say a word for the longest time.

I prompted, "Zac? Can you please say something? Anything?"

"You are, hands down, the most annoying and abrasive girl I've ever met."

Right as I opened my mouth to argue back, he smiled at me, a rueful twist of the lips, and added, "But, also, I believe you might be worth the headache. I hear what you're saying, Cate. Fine. We'll do things your way. For now."

I flashed him a look of surprise. I wasn't expecting him to be this reasonable. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," he confirmed.

As I slowly untangled myself from his arms, I asked, "So, um... what does that make us now, exactly?"

He shot me a look of irritation. "I thought you were the one who was calling the shots? Are you telling me that you have no fucking clue what you're doing?"

"No, I know what we're supposed to be doing," I insisted, "but—"

"We're friends," he offered helpfully while reaching over unhelpfully to cup my cheek. "Friends that touch. And kiss sometimes."

I shook my head in amusement and batted him away. "No, I think we're friends that wanna touch, but won't, and wanna kiss, but can't, until we're both in a better place."

"Remind me again. Why am I still here wasting all my charm on you?" he muttered.

"Because I can help you get inside Lily's house."

He groaned audibly, "Oh my, God, Cate. Not this again."

"Yes! This again!"

We argued about it on the walk back to his car and bantered nonstop on the freeway. The two of us were still bickering when Zac parked his car in front of my house. Falling back on the wisecracks and tit-for-tat repartee actually felt safer and more comfortable for us now that the line between our friendship had been blurred. Mentally and emotionally drained, I think we both decided to leave it alone for the time being and simply enjoy each other's company.

As Zac hopped out to help me with my bags, I saw a blonde middle-aged man in a perfectly tailored charcoal gray suit approaching us. He nodded curtly at me, then, at Zac.

I turned to him with a confused smile and asked, "What are you doing back so early, Dad? I thought your flight didn't get in until tomorrow night."