Chapter XXI Hell of a kisser

You know that feeling?

The one where you know that everything from this point on will be a disaster, a wreck train you will have to board on. Yet when you are at that point, you do not want to change anything for now.

This was what I was feeling right now. The immense satisfaction which I was exploring now was enough for me to not worry about the future. Obviously, I will have to face consequences of my actions and I will when the time comes, but for now, Anirudh’s arms were sufficient for me to forget the world.

I, Purvi Deshmukh was not just kissing the guy she never really liked, but didn't want to break apart too. This kind of situation didn't really demanded why or how, because they kinda just flow. But I had a why and a how; there was a reason for me to grace Anirudh with a kiss than a slap.

There was a reason why my rant suddenly elongated into making out and a reason why I was reciprocating his love with love.

Because I did too.

Sure, I was angry with him, pissed on him for breaking my heart, hurting my feelings and not using his proper judgment but he loved me, it wasn’t untrue because anyone could see it in his eyes.

He was Anirudh for goodness’ sake. He could feel anyone’s pain and affliction but he stuck through mine, he took it like it was his own. There were many reasons why right now I was clashing lips with Anirudh than fighting with him but the most important one was, my stupid hormones who could not, not kiss him.

That man just admitted he loved me, cared for me and actually did things for me no one had ever done. When Anirudh retreated, he knew that was the end and I’d never speak to him again which I swear I really wanted to do but his defeated face was enough for me to realize that he deserved so much more.

Maybe not me, definitely not me, but he deserved a lot.

Right now, Anirudh had me against the wall and his hands holding the back of my neck and pulling me towards him. With my sudden change of emotions, he wouldn’t really risk this moment. Having my lips indulged into this very job of tasting his, my hands held on to his shirt and tightening the grip with his every pull.

Anirudh tasted like beer, all the more reason to not stop kissing him.

Since I was shorter to him, neither could I strain my head any longer nor could he pull down however we weren’t going to let go of each other this soon. Hence with his hands now travelling downwards, he placed them on my waist and picked me up, helping me wrap my legs around him and still not breaking the kiss.

Why I wouldn’t let go off him, I had no clue.

After all, he kept all secrets from me, made me take good care of a kid who was my own and even mended my relations with my roommate. So why did I let him smother me with kisses and let him trail his lips around my neck, no one really knew.

When we couldn’t breathe anymore, he placed me down. His lips tracing my cheekbones while I shut my eyes in complete control, “Anirudh…”

“I am sorry Purvi.” His wet kisses were only making me gulp in nervousness, afraid I’d let him take charge of me and regret, “I meant no harm.”

Nodding, I let my tears drop down to my cheeks, really not having the courage to open my eyes and meet the world. The same world who would now judge me, leave no chance in my mockery. Anirudh’s heavy breaths stopped hitting my neck and in split seconds I felt his kisses on my eyes, “Say something.”

Our foreheads conjoined, Anirudh entwined our hands together, “am I making you miserable?”

With my eyes still shut, I shook my head and he kissed my hands; “I wish this moment never ended.”

I could feel him lean closer, his kisses trailing from my cheeks to the corner of my mouth, every kiss was weakening my knees. However good things don't last long and so with one final kiss, with one final breath and with one final word, Anirudh was gone. 

My eyes did open but I wasn’t quick because Anirudh left the house without me knowing what he felt and what he wanted. His touch on my lips was fresh, yet when he left, a part of me did too.
With him, to a land, where there were no complications.

_

The last time someone had seen me vulnerable and by that I meant in tears and in shame was of course Anirudh, just some hours back. But before him, the only one who saw me in a miserable state was my sister. When I realized that my parents never really cared about me, I stopped throwing tantrums or crying in front of them. At a very small age I made sure that only a true person should be able to see me through my walls, someone who meant a lot to me.

Someone who knew what hurt me and when.

So, after that grand party which I was so sure and happy about; that party where I had a chance to be like everyone else was the same party where I lost my sanity. I remember crying like an orphan who missed her parents or like there wasn’t anything to live for.

However, my sister, the one I loathed, knew me in and out. She would; of course, she was my only friend back then to be honest, my only supporter. That night she sat beside me, consoling me and holding me like I was her most priced treasure. Though I hated her then, I let her sit with me. I let her see me cry and I let her console me because at the end of the day, she was a person who truly knew me.

Just like Riya and Rohan.

When the duo entered the house later that night, they found a very lonely living room and a shattered me on the floor. My coffee mug with its content spilled on the floor was how shattered my life currently was. This time though I did not let my emotions cage in my heart where everything was bounded for eternity. This time I cried and sobbed and screamed for all that was happening.

Tittu was related to me.

He was my nephew.

My very own nephew.

My sister’s son.

Gosh, I never liked the word nephew so much before as now.

It was a happy realization, it had to because a warm fuzzy feeling filled my heart at the very thought of it. Never more do I have to find reasons to keep the kid in, he was family now. He was a part of me.

That didn't scare me, at all. If anything, that made me thoughtful about bringing him back to where he really belonged.

What I was afraid of was he was family, a part of my family and I never really liked our family. They only seemed to disappoint and crush the hopes of a small girl whom they should have encouraged and helped. The world should be the one to mock and make fun of one’s failures while family though however, should always have your back.

My family insulted me so much that when it was the world’s time to make fun of me, I had nothing to do but shrug.

The tears which were bottled up since years now seem so easily dampened and my fierce charade was all down to the drains. Tittu was family, is family, which means at the end of the day he belongs to the same people who brought me up and he too holds a key of my past.

Riya quickened her pace towards me and lifted my chin, she was so afraid and scared but before asking me anything at all she hugged me. Once I found comfort on her shoulder, there was no stopping for my uncontrollable emotions. Rohan cleaned up the place and quickly brewed coffee for all of us, something which I was very thankful for.

For a half an hour or so, none of them asked or spoke anything. While Riya had me in her arms, Rohan had been rubbing my palm, trying to ooze in comfort. While it was easy to understand your relationship with people when you could talk your heart out, it was much easier to let silence assess your relationship too sometimes. 

Like right now, I wasn’t crying hysterically anymore only a few silent tears.

“Is everything okay?”

“Isn't it established that it is not! Why would she be crying so furiously?”

Riya eyed Rohan with a ‘shut the fuck up, I’m talking’ look and Rohan shrugged innocently. A smile lit up watching these two and I took a sip of my coffee.

“Too sweet.”

At first, they thought I was being too cynical and pretentious but when they had a go with the coffee, Rohan spit it out and Riya almost hit him.

“Sorry my bad, I have a secretary for this.”

This time even I managed to glare at him even though I probably looked like a damsel in distress trying to not be one. Shaking his head and muttering something incoherent, he took our coffee mugs and tried making another one.

I swear my heart broke when he threw away the coffee down the drain.

That was like half my nights down the drain.

“Are you okay now?”

“No.” My feeble voice did bring a small smile on Riya’s face, “why are you smiling?”

“Nothing, just that you look human when you cry.”

“Thanks for stating that I wasn’t one before.” Sniffing I wiped my nose, “what was I? An alien?”

“More like a dragon with fire spitting on every word if you ask me.”

Riya shushed Rohan who screamed from the kitchen and diverted her attention to me, “what happened? Did that bastard Arjun do something to you?”

More like his best friend did something, but never mind.

“Or something at your university?” Rohan asked.

“No one is asking for your suggestion Ro, just make the damn coffee and let us girls talk.”

“Sexist.”

Riya shook her head at his immaturity and questioned me again, “is it about Tittu or is it about Anirudh?”

It was weirdly cool how girl friends can point out accurately what was wrong in your life. Sometimes I do not even know how pathetic my life is unless some girl points it out to me. I looked disheveled by my crying and sobbing but more than that my lips were swollen and I had Anirudh’s scent sprayed all over me. My hair was undone since that lets call it ‘scene to be redone’ with Anirudh and I am positive that I may have some marks on my neck too.

Riya could sniff sexual tension from very far away and the way I tensed up on the last name, she knew it was Anirudh. “What did he do? Did he force himself on you?”

“No, Riya what are you saying?” My sudden imperative voice only let Riya more thoughtful and analytic.

If it was anything it was consensual. Anirudh could never force himself on anyone; he was the classiest example of a gentleman.

“You know he’d never do that.”

“I know, I am just asking. People do things to get attention and love and I thought Anirudh may have…”

“Anirudh. Did. Not. Force. Me into doing anything.” My sigh prolonged into a plea, “I kissed him first.”

My broken heart shattered in pieces when Rohan dropped the mugs on the floor spilling the coffee all around and the mugs all broken. It was a blessing that my coffee mug wasn’t one of them or I’d have another reason to cry for now.

“You kissed Anirudh? Dang.”

“Rohan what the fuck is this? Your father-in-law is not going to pay for all the mugs.” Riya yelled back.

“Well, if you can convince your dad then why not.”

Nope. Either Riya wasn’t that bright or she wasn’t paying attention because she didn't get the subtlety in his hint. However depressed as I was, I gave him a small nod and he winked back. “Go wash it up.”

“That is what I am doing since the time I am here.”

Rohan left to get the mop and broom while I narrated what happened before, everything including the fact that Anirudh was drunk, he hid the most important truth from me and confessed his love for me.

The duo, the one who moped really pathetically, and the one beside me heard the tale well. None of them interrupted, none of them reacted. They were good listeners; I’ll give them that because they just let me speak.

The wounds of betrayal impacted my wish of trusting others, again.

They were astonished by the turn of events, considering how everything was finally falling into the maze. The kid who was dropped out of our house was my sister’s son, the same sister who didn't have the heart to actually wait for me to see her because she thought I’d keep the hatred of the past before her. Anirudh who knew it all didn't have the heart to tell me the truth only because he thought I couldn’t take it all. And the kid? He didn't have the heart to tell me his tale even once, because he thought I wasn’t worth it.

It was all me. I had been such a coward that none of them opened up to me. It hurt to know that I wasn’t worthy of their trust.

There was silence. Rohan who had been still moping since the time I narrated the story, stood still. They were contemplating what happened and what should happen? But before that, trying to make sense of whatever was told to them.

“Tittu is your sisters’ son.” My roommate spoke to herself for the very first time, “Tittu is your sisters’ son. Fuck this is big.”

“I know.”

“Didn't you know about your sister?”

“Nothing at all. We lost touch eight years ago.”

“What about her husband, Tittu’s father?”

That I didn't really know. Anirudh and I were so busy in doing the unspeakable that I didn't really ask him the questions I should have asked, “I don't know?”

“Where is your sister now?”

“I don't know.”

Rohan threw the mop away, “I’ll call my secretary for this, she’ll know what to do.” He justified shrugging and approached me.

“Doesn’t the husband have a family?”

“I don't know.”

“What the fuck do you know?”

That Anirudh was hell of a kisser. But that wasn’t needed now; I had to really think about the incident before we kissed.

“There is this letter; Anirudh placed it in my pocket. He said he found it with the kid, the morning when he bathed him.”

Putting my hands in my pockets, I found the crumpled letter and Rohan and Riya gathered around. They were a couple of pages and everything in it was written in unclear, dying handwriting.

My sister had a clear, winnable handwriting and for that she won so many competitions for that cursive writing.

This may not be such a reflection of my sibling’s praise worthy writing but it was my sisters’ handwriting, hands down. Only she had a way of writing that ‘f’ and we could never ask her to change it because she wouldn’t.

“What does it say?” Rohan peeped in, asking what everyone including me wanted to know.

But I had lost my courage somehow. It may have been thrilling to hold a letter from your long-lost sister but I was afraid that I wasn’t ready for what was in it. It surely wasn’t a happy feeling nor was it exciting because the three of us were curious, yes but really grim too.

“That is her personal letter, Ro. I don't think you should open it up here.” Riya suggested, against her will to know what it held.

I smiled warmly at her thoughtfulness, “I appreciate your thought, but we are all in this together.”

She chipped a smile and nodded while Rohan laid his hand on my shoulder and gently pressed it, encouraging me by their presence. With trembling hands, I unfolded the first page and cleared my throat, the name on the start was enough for me to lose strength.

D̶e̶a̶r̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶M̶y̶ ̶O̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶S̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶M̶y̶ ̶S̶w̶e̶e̶t̶h̶e̶a̶r̶t̶ A̶p̶u̶,

Purvi

I am so sorry for the earlier mess, right now I don’t think I am in my complete senses. I̶t̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶p̶r̶i̶s̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶e̶l̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶a̶l̶s̶o̶ ̶m̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶m̶e̶s̶s̶. I am sorry. Let me start from the start, I have made mistakes. So many of them that if I could count, I’d probably surpass the number of good decisions I have made. Yes, that many.

Apologies, I suck at writing a letter. I mean not in school, it’s just I haven’t spoken to any individual other than myself over a long time now, so I am a bit rusty and well this does not count as talking either but you know. Shit. Scratch that completely, I do not have the strength to cancel so much so I hope we can start all over again.

“This is not my sister.” I admitted not wanting to read further, “This does not make sense.”

My sister was the topper of my school, she did not just ace in studies but extra-curriculum too and had so many trophies to her name. Not just that, as much as she could calculate and solve sums and theorems in mathematics, she aced in literature and science. There wasn’t a field she didn’t score well. She was a role model in the truest sense.

Just not mine. For me, she was the Goddess I was instructed to worship.
However, I turned out to be an atheist.

“Go on, maybe we’ll see later.”

As much as it didn’t make quite sense that my all the more intelligent sister could make so many mistakes only in the first paragraph especially in the addressee, I was forced to continue reading.

Only to get the biggest heartache of my life.

_