Chapter 48

That night, as I worked on my homework, I heard a tap on my window. When I looked up, Robbie gave me a small wave.

"Hey, you're back," I said, opening the large window that led to my fire escape.

"Yeah, I got back a few hours ago," he said, climbing in. He wore black dress slacks and a gray sweater; his hair was messy and neat in the way I believed only Robbie could manage.

"Why didn't you text me? My dad is coming home late today."

"I just wanted to see you for a moment," he said, kissing me. 

"Well, I'm watching a video on thermodynamics because my teacher absolutely sucks. It's almost done, though," I said, sitting in front of my computer.

"That's okay, finish," he answered and nodded towards the screen, taking a seat behind me.

I leaned back against him, "though I guess if you're here, you can just explain it to me; you're much nicer to look at."

"Really, you don't think the hair coming out of his ear is charming?" He joked, pointing at my screen.

"Hmm, now that you mention it," I said, and he pressed a kiss to my temple.

I turned to kiss him, my hand coming up to his cheek. I felt his hand on my hip pulling me closer.

"I think we have some time before my dad comes home," I said, already breathless.

"Hmmm, maybe we shouldn't," he said, pushing me back and pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"Why? Is everything okay?" I asked, I could feel a sort of tension in him. 

He looked down and grabbed my hand lacing his fingers with mine.

"Robbie?"

"Umm, so apparently Noah knows about everything," he said, running his thumb over my knuckles.

I closed my eyes, already not liking where this conversation was going.

"Yeah. We were broken up when I told him. He was there for me when I wasn't feeling well."

He let out a dry laugh, "yes, of course, he was."

"Robbie—"

"Why would you tell him, Lia?" He asked, sounding genuinely disappointed.

"How do you know he knows?" I asked. They didn't have classes together other than Drama, and Noah spent the entire hour with me.

"He told me."

"He told you.." I repeated slowly, confused. I started feeling a slow heat creep up as anger flooded into my chest. Why the fuck would Noah say that?

"Mhm," Robbie said, looking at me expectantly.

"Why?" I asked, shaking my head in confusion.

"He came with us last weekend to look at a property that Maria found out about."

"What property? Why?" I asked. Then a new sort of feeling started creeping up on me. Like when your body realizes something, but your brain hasn't made the connection yet.

"Apparently, he and Chris are quite chummy. They play lacrosse together, I believe."

"What property did you go see?" I asked again, feeling pinpricks of anxiety on the back of my neck.

"A barn behind my house. We bugged it a few weeks ago, and we recorded some people saying they were meeting there today, so we went to see about what."

"A red barn?"

"Yes. As opposed to what color?" He asked bluntly.

I grabbed my phone and looked through my pictures, "This barn?" I asked, holding up the phone under his nose.

"Yes. So you knew about it?" He asked, confused.

"I took that picture," I said and pursed my lips, "what the hell. Maria told me she didn't recognize it."

"Well, she lied. Where did you find it? My dad's diary?" He asked, trying to grab the phone from my hand.

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to the barn? I would have gone," I said, my voice acquiring an edge to it.

"Because it could have been dangerous," he responded as if his answer should have been so obvious to me.

"So? You were going. Maria was going. Apparently, everyone was invited to this field trip except me."

"Believe me, I didn't want my sister to go. Or anyone else for that matter, including myself. I mean, I only went for us. I didn't want you getting hurt, Cee. I didn't know what would be there."

"So you think I would be okay with you potentially getting hurt?" I asked, frowning.

"It's different," he said, rubbing his neck.

"How is it different? You're allowed to feel worried, and I'm not?" I asked, getting upset.

"No. Different because this mess isn't coming from your family. If something happened to you because of me, I would never forgive myself."

"Oh, come on."

"Come on? Cecilia, I have nightmares where they take you away from me. You know this."

"I have the same dreams. You're not the only one affected by this," I said, my gaze piercing his. 

"I know, love, but it's my fault. Not yours. I dragged you into this. You have those nightmares because you met me. If you were with anyone else, you would be fine."

I scoffed, "there it is again, 'if you were with anyone else,'" I said, deepening my voice to mock him.

"Well, it's true."

"You're treating me like a child."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes. You are. Everyone knew about it except me. It's like you think I'm an idiot."

I heard my voice get higher and I hated that my voice trembled when I was angry. 

"No, Cee. I don't think you're an idiot. I don't want anyone else involved with this, believe me. I don't like that Chris knows; I don't even like that Noah knows and not just because I can't stand him. I feel responsible for what's happening. The more people involved, the more stressful this becomes."

I climbed into his lap and handheld his face, "You aren't responsible for this, Robbie."

"Actually, I am. I'm pretty sure I'm the one with the target on their back. You and my sister's involvement is because of me. How can you say I'm not responsible?" he asked, pulling my hands off his face.

"Because it's not your fault."

"That doesn't matter."

"You're putting way too much blame on yourself."

He rubbed his eyes with his left hand.

"Robbie, please, talk to me. I love you," I said and leaned in to kiss him. His hand came up to cup my face.

"I love you too. Which is why I didn't tell you."

"I don't like that. I don't want you to keep things from me."

He sighed and met my gaze, "I don't want you involved in this."

"Too late," I said, pressing my forehead against his.

He dropped his forehead to my shoulder in frustration.

"How did you get the picture of the barn? What diary did you find it in?" he asked, his lips brushing my shoulder.

"I didn't get it from a diary."

"Where then?"

"A house."

He looked up, frowning, "what house?"

"A house in New York. I got the address the night of the party. Overhead a man in your garage talking about it."

"A man, what man?" he asked, his eyes narrowing. 

"His name is Gray. He drives the Hummer."

"What? How do you know? He told you?" Robbie asked.

"No, of course not. I overheard him while I hid in your cooler."

Robbie looked at me as if there was a short circuit in his brain.

"And what?" He asked sarcastically, "you went over there and had a cup of tea with the guy, and he gave you this picture?"

"No. Noah and I broke into the house."

He froze under me and closed his eyes as if he was suddenly stricken with a bad headache.

"You what?" He asked slowly.

I suddenly, for the first time, felt silly about what we did, "we broke into the house..but there was no one there," I added the last part quickly holding a hand up to his chest. 

"Oh, that makes it okay," he said sarcastically.

"Don't be upset over this. I'm fine."

"What else are you not telling me? Why did I have to find out from Noah that he knows all the bullshit that's going on with my family?"

"Nothing else. You know everything now."

"You promise?" He said, his green eyes boring into mine.

"I-I mean...when I was there, I recognized the guy's voice."

"I thought you said there was no one there," he said and pushed me slowly off his lap.

"Well...at first."

"So you lied," he said, "did he see you guys? Should I just ring up Noah and ask him since apparently he's more honest than my own girlfriend?"

Robbie got off my bed and ran a hand through his hair.

"No. I mean, he knew we were there. He chased Noah with a shotgun, but he didn't see our faces. We hid from him until it was safe to leave."

He mouthed shotgun and then shook his head; I noticed a tremor in his hand, "No."

"No?"

"No. You're done with this," He said, pushing past me.

"What? Done with what?"

"Everything. You're done," he said, grabbing his dad's journals and shoving them in his sports bag.

"Stop, you said I could keep looking through those."

"I changed my mind."

"I'm an adult Robbie, you can't tell me what I'm done or not done with."

"This is my property can absolutely tell you when you're done with it."

"I thought that what was yours was mine?" I said. I knew I was grasping at straws.

"Well, you've always had a problem with that," he said, grabbing a stack from my bookcase.

"Yeah, because I don't want your money. Robbie, stop."

"No, Cee, you stop," he said, his face close to mine, "in what universe would you think it's okay to break into someone's house and look for shit. Especially when you think the person is responsible for murdering someone. That was so beyond stupid. I can't even wrap my head around it. It's so not like you."

"I wanted this to end. I thought I could get information, and we could use it to build a case on him."

"Build a case on him? Do you hear yourself? And you go with fucking Ryans? Let me guess, it was his idea to break into the house. What did he not meet his delinquent quota for that week, and he had to drag you into it?"

I had never seen him this upset. Robbie never raised his voice at me, but now his cheeks were red, and his face was twisted in a scowl.

"I was the one that dragged Noah there. He went to make sure I was safe."

"Of course he did. He's such a great fucking guy," he muttered, looking under my bed.

"There nothing there; you got them all," I said, crossing my arms in front of me.

"Are you sure? Do you want to think about that before you say it, you know, in case you conveniently forget some important piece of information you just want to whip out a few weeks later?"

"Robbie."

He put the bag on my bed; in a much calmer demeanor, he turned to look at me, "if he wanted to keep you safe, why wouldn't he tell me? He has my number."

"You were away."

He shook his head and took a deep breath.

"Is this why you're pissed because I went with Noah?" I asked him.

"Oh, do not turn this into me simply being jealous Cecilia."

"Well I mean—"

"Lia, I rather I found out you were fucking Noah than you went into some psychos house because of some bullshit with my family. What if something would have happened to you?!"

"Nothing happened."

"This time."

"No. Nothing is going to happen," I said.

"I know. Because you're done with this."

"Robbie."

"No. I can't do this. I can't worry about my job and school, trying to convince my grandmother of a fake relationship, and constantly thinking about how to hold my family accountable and my mom's health, and then on top of that, worry about my girlfriend sneaking into houses and putting herself in danger? I can't; I'm barely functioning as it is."

"This isn't fair; I've figured out more about this than any of you put together."

"By chance."

"Robbie, how can you ask me not to care?" I asked. 

"I don't think we should continue this."

"Sneaking around?"

"No, just in general."

My jaw dropped, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry I can't. I rather not be with you than lose you."

"But that is losing me..."

"You broke up with me for the same reason."

"Yeah, and being apart sucked."

"We didn't try hard enough. It will get better for you; you will get over me."

"No. I won't. Stop that," I said, my voice catching in my throat. 

"Cee," he sighed, frustrated.

"Don't Cee me; I'm tired of everyone walking eggshells around me and telling me how I feel! Or how I'm going to feel or what's good for me!" I said my face, I'm sure, was quickly turning a deep shade of red.

"Well, maybe you need to have a better sense of self-preservation."

I shot him a glare. 

"Robbie, we're going to fix this. This has a solution. You said it did."

"What if it doesn't? How long are we going to be like this? You don't deserve this, Lia, and it's okay now, but what about in a few years? I can't offer you anything while this is happening."

"I don't want anything other than you."

"For now."

"No. Ever."

"Baby, come on. At some point, you're going to want to get married or start a family or a the very least have a relationship where you could be with the person, and they're not climbing through your window and pulling you into closets. This had an expiration date from the very beginning. We both knew this."

I shook my head, "not if we figure things out."

"But we aren't. Everything is a dead-end, and I don't know how long it's going to take. I don't want you involved with this; it's just better to end this and for you to be safe."

I heard a ringing noise in my ear. I felt my chin tremble again and this time I felt warm tears on my face.

"You're a liar."

"Cee."

"You lied. You said you didn't want to lose me again. That you couldn't be apart. You're a liar."

"None of that was a lie," he sighed his forehead dropping to meet mine. 

"Either we stay together or you lied," I said closing my eyes. 

"Does thinking that make it easier?" He asked.

Something snapped. I swear I could hear it in my head like a rubber band that was pulled too tight; before I could say anything, my front door opened.

My father was home.

"I have to go."

"Please don't do this. You don't really mean it, right?" I know I sounded desperate, but I was. I felt as if everything was suddenly tumbling down, and I didn't even understand how we got to this point. I wanted a time machine, even to go back just thirty minutes. How could something change so quickly?

"Broken hearts heal; I need you safe," he said kissing my forehead and then slipping out through the window. 

I stared at the window he left through for 20 minutes after he was gone. My brain was refusing to understand what just happened. The crushing feeling in my chest settled about half an hour later. My heart felt like the aluminum can we used to stomp on to play hopscotch as a kid. 

I picked up my phone and wrote out a text.

"I miss you."

"Lia, is everything okay?"

"I think Robbie just broke up with me."

"Babe :("

"I need you."

Around 30 minutes later I got another text from Nicole, "I just told Cameron, he got me a ticket to fly over tomorrow."