I highly recommend you listen to the song on the side as you read this chapter.

Everything about the past either turns against you or helps you. It's all a matter of perspective. Your past can help you in ways you never knew possible or it could burn you into flames. Let's just say I was I was still figuring out where I belonged.

December 27
The worst thing about a heartache isn't the actual heart breaking. It's the loneliness that follows it.

The first thing I did when I got off the airplane was run to the nearest bathroom and empty out the disgusting airplane food they gave us. It should be illegal to make such horrible food. As I leaned over the toilet, vomiting everything in my stomach, I heard Rachel's voice outside of the bathroom.

"No. I can't do this anymore Rachel. I'm sorry but I have to tell her," I heard Tobias say. I stood up straight, the conversation grabbing my full attention.

"I never wanted this in the first place! It was you who walked in on me, remember? I don't care. Keep your mouth shut," Rachel angrily yelled back.

"I love her! I can't handle that she's mad at me. I need to make this right," he pleaded. I held my breathe as I heard their conversation, wondering what was going on.

"Then make it right Tobias," I heard her seethed. "But don't bring me in on this. I have enough to deal with."

I listened as Tobias sighed before I heard nothing but silence. I ran a hand through my hair as I exited the bathroom stall. I gripped the edge of the skin and stared at my reflection. My hair was rough and in a messy bun, not the attractive kind, and my eyes were red from the lack of sleep and the amount of crying I suffered through the last day. As I rinsed my mouth from the remaining vomit, I thought about that I just heard. What were they talking about? What did this all mean? Could... Could this all be a misunderstanding?

No. I shook my head, recalling the events that happened a couple of days ago. Rachel naked under Tobias's hoodie, the clothes behind her scattered everywhere, how Tobias was so eager for me to leave when I was at his hotel room. It was evident what happened there and Tobias didn't even deny any of it. So why was I so keen on believing there was a misunderstanding?

Because I'm a fool in love and I would believe anything that would make me feel better.

I exited the bathroom and saw Tobias a couple of feet away from me, waiting for his luggage. I got a glimpse of his other side of his face and saw a large nasty bruise forming on the side of his cheekbone. I gasped, recalling how Julian said he should've punched someone harder, but I didn't realize it was Tobias. He found his bag, grabbed it with ease, and left as quickly as he came.

December 28
He was in my every thought. Everywhere I looked I swore that I saw  him. But it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, once again.

I refused to go back to my apartment, knowing that I would be hit with a flood of memories. Instead I contacted Jamie and Will and intruded their plans. They both lived on campus resulting in them knowing all the places that had the best parties. I joined them, even though I hated college parties, and watched as they drank into a point of no return.

They would make a cute couple, I thought as I sat down on a crowded couch. Jamie was definitely anybody's type, she was gorgeous. As she danced I saw that Will noticed it too. He was leaning back against the wall, a red cup in his hand, and his eyes glued on Jamie.

A couple of guys tried to make a drunk move on me, but every time I saw them my mind drifted onto Tobias and how wrong it felt, of how I felt like I was cheating by just looking at them. Only I shouldn't because we were no longer together.

So I did what any other broken hearted girl did at a party: I drank cheap warm beer, danced shameless with anyone who approached me, and cried on a stranger's shoulder as I told them my life story. I was that girl.

I don't know what time it was, or how I got there, but I was back at Will's frat house. He was sleeping on the floor, his body spiraled out like a sleeping monkey with drool dropping on his pillow. I was graciously granted access to his bed, which was a small twin sized. I sat up and instantly felt dizzy, my head swirling. I felt the effects of drinking mysterious beer catch up to me and I hurled everything in my system. Will got up at once, his jet black hair spiking up in every direction. He groggily rubbed his eyes together before he frowned when he saw me. His eyes moved from my body on his bed to the vomit nearly inches away from where he was sleeping. He sighed at me before tossing his blanket off of his body.

"You couldn't have made it three seconds out my room and into the bathroom?" I heard him complain as he got up.

"I'm sorry Will," I apologized, meaning it. I pulled my own covers off of my body. My bare feet hit his wooden bedroom floors.

"I know I'm a lightweight yet I continue to drink. Just show me where the cleaning supplies are and I'll clean it up."

Will clicked his tongue before pulling a sweater over his head. "Don't worry about it. It's fine."

I pouted, feeling guilty. "But I threw up in your room. That's disgusting."

Will grinned a sleepy smile at me and I knew he was about to say something mischievous. "Reign, there have been more disgusting things that happened in this room. Your throw up doesn't even begin to compare to that."

I shuddered at his words, feel dirty. Who knows what goes on in his room--in this frat house! He laughed at me before pulling a jacket over his body.

"C'mon. Let me take you home."

Before he took me home I argued with him more before he finally gave up. He showed me the little cleaning supplies they did manage to have at this frat house. He rolled his eyes as I stuck my tongue out at him when I was finish cleaning. After washing my hands thoroughly, I heard him yell my name downstairs. With my purse around my shoulder and my bags in Will's hands, we left his frat house just as it began to snow. I shivered as we hurried to his Nissan Altima. He immediately blasted the heat after tossing my bags in the back seat.

"New York City weather, eh?" He breathed, each word producing a white mist in front of him. He rubbed his hands together, trying to make them warm. "Always fucking freezing."

December 29
I've always been single. I've had my share of boyfriends but we weren't in a committed relationship and in a way being with Tobias was just that: an uncommitted relationship. But it felt like we were. It felt like we were on the same page. 
Being single implies solitary and loneliness. It implies being alone. It doesn't matter if you're surrounded by a swarm of people, you still felt so alone. I am drowning in my own thoughts, my own memories that I lived, and they all come back to him.

Returning to my apartment was a mistake and I knew that now.

There were traces of him everywhere. From his NY cap he left on my countertop to his workout mat placed on my floor, next to my balcony. He was here yet he wasn't.

I slowly stepped in closer, dropping my bags on the floor along with my coat. I turned around and locked the door behind me, feeling safe. I felt my stomach grumble and I walked into the kitchen, the only place that shouldn't remind me of him, or so I thought.

I saw the leftover Chinese food that he bought when I was sick. I was hit with a flood of memories of how he took such good care of me that night, how he held my hair back as I threw up or how he comforted me to sleep. I remembered the sweet little lies he told me and I suddenly felt full.

Lies. Everything he said was a lie and I'm a fool for continuing to believe them.

I slammed my refrigerator shut, my emotions all over the place. I felt utterly stupid for allowing myself to believe his lies. I snorted him my head. I guess that's what I get for letting someone in, for allowing myself to be dependent on someone else.

I was tired, jet lagged from my flight and from the lack of sleep I endured last night. I walked into my bathroom and stripped my clothes off. I tossed them in my hamper and I could see his boxers lying on the floor next to it.

I bit my tongue from crying, remembering how they got there. It was the night before we left for Antigua and were on a crazy high off of each other.

"Guess what?" I gushed, closing my apartment door behind me with a kick from my foot. I had just finished my last final and I was in a great mood.

"What?" I heard him grunt in the distance. I frowned as I slipped my parka jacket off before resting it on my coat rack.

I turned the corner and saw him working out, my bedroom door disabled and laying horizontally on it's side in the middle of the hallway. I gasped, looking at my broken door that was no longer standing upright.

"You broke my door?" I shrieked, stepping closer so that I could get a better view.

Tobias rolled his eyes as he continued to do pull ups, gripping the top of the door frame. He was shirtless, just wearing some loose joggers. I could see sweat glistening on his toned chest that was beginning to loose it's summer tan.

"I just unscrewed the knobs," he breathed, still lifting his body up and down easily. I could see his veins popping out of his forearms and I wondered how long he's been working out.

"I needed something to work out on," he continued, after he saw me staring at the door. He jumped down and I could see his chest rise rapidly.

"You couldn't have gone to the gym?" I asked bewildered, not believing that he actually unscrewed my door.

"I did. It wasn't enough."

I laughed hysterically, going a little crazy. "It wasn't enough? What are you, the hulk?"

Tobias grinned at my expression, wiping his sweat off with a towel placed on my bed. "I'll be whatever you want me to sweetheart."

"Don't sweetheart me!" I huffed, still a bit upset with him even though my heart was beating quickly at the old nickname he used for me. "Fix my door!"

"But I'm so tired," he groaned like a five year old. He walked towards me and I stepped back, not wanting to be around his sweaty body.

"I don't care," I retorted, crossing my arms sternly. "Fix it Tobias."

"Relax," he cooed, pinning me in the corner. I could feel the butterflies return in my stomach, flying around excitedly. "I'll fix it. I'll do anything for you."

The way he looked at me, his hazel eyes staring at me intensely, I knew he meant it. His tall six foot something body towered over me. His hand caressed my cheek softly, his thumb stroking my cheekbone gently.

"How about you start with a shower?" I suggested, half-joking half-serious.

He chuckled, his chest rising with each laugh produced, his lips producing an irresistible grin, and his eyelashes fluttering beautifully.

"You don't love my manly scent?" He teased, raising his arm. I could smell the stench of underarms, making my eyes water.

"You're disgusting!" I complained, pushing him away as he let out a deep belly laugh.

"Reign, wait."

I turned around, wondering what he could possibly need now. The moment I saw his mischievous smile I knew I was in for a surprise.

"Before you're about to do whatever it is you're going to do I think you should reconsider," I calmly said, walking backwards.

The glimmer in his eyes proved that he didn't care. He lunged after me and I squealed as his strong arms lifted me up.

"Tobias! Put me down!" I giggled as his hands tickling my sides.

"Never!" He replied, chuckling with me.

He opened the bathroom door open and turned on the shower. My eyes widened, not believing what he was about to do.

"If I have to suffer a shower then so do you," I heard him say.

"Stop being a child!" I screamed as he walked into into the shower, my back hitting the water. "Tobias! I'm going to kill you if you wet my hair!"

"I got you covered babe."

In his other hand I could see my shower cap and I could feel a ridiculous grin come across my face. He knew before hand to grab my shower cap. Man do I love this guy. I felt him put me down. He stepped in front of me, his body acting like a shield, protecting me from the water. He frowned as he inspected my shower cap.

"I don't know how to wrap your hair in this..." He stumbled, frowning at it. He looked up and his frown only deepened as he saw me giggling restlessly.

"Give me that."

I taught him how to wrap my hair, even though he really didn't need to know. He stared at me in amazement, his eyes never leaving my head.

"Next time, it would be wiser to tell me first," I told him, peeling off my half soaked sweater. My yoga pants were next.

Tobias rolled his eyes. He tossed his boxers out the shower, flinging them in any direction, before his hand rested on my hips, pulling me in close. His nose tickled my neck as he softly left little love bites.

"Now what would the fun in that be?"

I blinked, refocusing back on reality. It felt like yesterday we were once in our own blissful honeymoon but now there was nothing but this empty void. I once felt so independent, so carefree, and now all I felt was lonely. My bones ached to be touch, my lips eager to kiss his, just once more.

I scrubbed all the dirty feeling I felt and applied on my favorite lavender lotion. I slipped out of my bathroom and changed into my pajamas, a thick thermal shirt and leggings, and jumped into bed.

I shut my eyes, waiting for sleep to take over, but then I smelled him. I opened my eyes at once. His smell was so prominent, so fresh, it felt like he was actually here. What I failed to realize was where I was laying down. I was on his side of the bed, his pillow resting comfortably under my head. I smelled his Irish Spring soap and a mixture of sweat. His scent was just the tip of an iceberg of my emotional state and I had just bought my ticket on the Titanic.

December 30
There is a hole in my chest, an emptiness I can physically feel, and a hunger in my veins only he could fix.

Noel called me today but I was drowning in misery to get out of bed. I heard her bubbly voice filled with concern through the answering machine, telling me to call her as soon as possible. I turned my head and buried myself into my pillow, soaking in his remaining scent, and I cried myself to sleep once again.

December 31
I'm not sure whether I've lost my mind thinking about you or I'm just lost inside of it, trying to convince myself that you never hurt me.

When I woke up I saw fifteen missed calls from Tobias, seven from Noel, and two from Scott. I tossed my phone on the couch, not bothering to call any of them back. There was nothing to say. So I stayed in bed, ordered Chinese food, and watched all the celebrities perform right here in New York City. As I saw the ball drop and all the couples kiss their love ones, I felt my stomach curl with disgust before I threw up my dinner. It looks like my body was reacting the same way my mind was.

January 1
Tobias was my own poison and antidote, but the antidote was a false, and all that was left was the poison flooding through my veins.

The borough of Brooklyn was partying like there would be no tomorrow and I realized I would be completely okay with that. I looked outside of my balcony and saw people shouting at one another, yelling Happy New Year's to anybody they saw. I saw a swarm of people from all different races come together and celebrate, even though it was snowing, but the only face I wanted to see wasn't here.

Sighing, I wrapped my shawl closer around my body and entered back in my apartment. I closed the door behind me, trapping all the cold and snow outside.

I was tired of being tired and sick of my aching heart. I just wanted someone to hold me, to tell me that this was going to be alright, that it was just a chapter in my life I would never have to open again. I wanted someone to be here for me for once. I was always the girl who picked up the pieces for everybody else, but where were they when I needed them?

Acting on impulse, I grabbed my phone and shakily clicked on Tobias's name. I didn't know what I was going to say or why I was calling him in the first place, but I didn't hang up. Instead as I heard the operator's voice tell me to leave I message I found myself saying things I didn't even know I felt.

"I hate you," I said, holding back the tears. I wasn't going to let him know how much he hurt me. He didn't deserve that.

"I hate you and it's all your fault. I hate how you showed up in my life in the most random moment, surprising me so I couldn't contain myself from growing attached to you. I hate how you used what would hurt me the most against me. I hate how you made me scared to trust anyone ever again when you already knew how vulnerable I already was. Are you happy? Did you accomplish whatever your goal was of embarrassing me? Of making a fool out of myself? And all for what? All because I loved you?"

I could feel a sob escape and I knew it was over for me now. I thought that only food could cause a person to choke, until I tried to translate my rage into words. It was suffocating me, blocking my airway, yet it was all in my control to stop it.

"I miss you. I miss you even though you destroyed my life through one single action. And you don't deserve to hear that. You don't deserve to know that I miss you or that I still think about you. But god, I wish you were here and that all this never happened."

January 2
You took my soul and wiped it clean. Our love was made for movie screens.

As I laid in bed I realized that I no longer knew how his voice sounded when he was tired or where exactly his scars were on his chest. I felt myself searching for his scent, just once more, but all that lingered on the pillow was my own fragrance. I should've felt panicky, knowing that all that I had left of him was lost. But as I stared up at my ceiling, blinking every so often, I realized I didn't care.

The last line isn't mines, it's from the song All I Want by Kodaline (song of the chapter).

Very long chapter of mainly Reign's thoughts through the last couple of days as she suffered her heartbreak. I was going to post the clues for Tobias's illness on this chapter but this was already so long I'm just going to post it in the next chapter.

What do you think is going to happen next in this plot twisting story?

How do you think it's going to end?

Vote/COMMENT please!! I really value your feedback.