Later after dinner Joni and Misha went upstairs into Joni's room. "Would you like to watch a movie?" Joni asked closing the door after him and Misha nodded absentmindedly, hands in his pockets and gazing out. Joni frowned; Misha had seemed oddly quiet the whole evening. "What would you like to watch?" He asked and the older man shrugged.

"Anything is fine..." Misha replied and took a seat down on the bed seeming to be lost in his thoughts.

"Mary Poppins?" Joni suggested just to see if Misha listened and the blond nodded.

"Yeah," he replied, resting his chin on his arms. Joni rolled his eyes.

"You seriously think I would want to watch that?"

"What?" Misha asked and brought his gaze up to him.

"Okay, what's wrong with you?" Joni asked.

"Nothing, just choose the film. I feel a little thirsty, I'll get us some soda, okay?" Misha smiled and got up, not waiting for an answer as the blond left the room. Joni looked after him feeling confused, something was up with Misha and he didn't know what.

For a moment Joni considered actually getting some silly cartoon or children's DVD from his sister's room just to see if Misha would comment on his peculiar choice. In the end, he however chose not to and decided on watching Rat Race, a comedy that was sure to make him laugh.

He set everything ready and waited, just as he thought Misha was taking too long with the soda and was about to go and see what was taking him, Misha's cell phone started to ring over the table where he had left it.

Feeling curious, Joni decided to just take a glance at who the caller was; Rauno. Sounded like some old man's name, could it be someone from Misha's work? He wondered and decided to leave it. The caller seemed persistent however and after letting it ring for several times, he called again. The ringtone was also different from Misha's usual; this tone was so annoying that Joni finally decided to answer.

"Misha's phone, Joni speaking."

"Oh... Hi... eh... Is Misha there?" The confused yet oddly youthful voice asked.

"No, not at the moment, he should be back soon though, is it something urgent?" Joni asked and sat on his bed.

"Well...er..." There was a long pause and Joni heard some whispers and music from the background. He waited for a proper answer and rolled his eyes, was this guy some idiot?

"Hello?"

"Who are you again?" The voice asked.

"Misha's boyfriend," and again there were whispers in the background, he distantly heard his name being mentioned to someone and also; Misha's new boyfriend followed by another long pause.

"Just tell him to call back to me!" The other snapped and hung up. Joni blinked and put the cell phone away, Misha had idiotic friends obviously. He took a magazine and laid down on his bed to read and wait for Misha's return.

Misha entered the room with two glasses of coke after talking to Asko. The man had told him about the meeting with Chris and how unstable and obsessed he considered Joni's ex to be. They both agreed that something needed to be done and that proceeding to locate Joni's cousin was the best alternative for now.

Joni lay on his bed over his stomach and glanced at him from over his shoulder.

"Some guy called Rauno called and asked you to call back. I only answered because the ringtone was so annoying and he kept calling repeatedly." Misha cursed silently, walked closer, and set the glasses on the table. "Rauno, it sounds like some old guy's name, but his voice sounded young," Joni continued, lifting a questioning brow before slowly sitting up. "He also didn't seem too happy when I said I'm your boyfriend. Who is he?"

"He's my ex," Misha replied, sighing heavily and looking back at Joni who frowned. Why the hell had Misha given his ex a special ringtone? Did they call each other a lot? Did they see each other often? Did Misha miss his ex?

"I see..." Joni replied unable to fight back the sudden insecurity. "Well he wants you to call him, so call now; I don't want him to interrupt when we're watching the movie."

Could he blame Misha if he longed after his ex who probably would jump at the chance to have mad and passionate sex with him? Joni felt upset at the thought and at the same time, he didn't want to start bitching and accusing for the fear that he would sound like Chris.

Misha observed Joni, who kept flipping through the pages of the magazine so fast that he couldn't possibly be reading them. The expression on the brunet's face told a lot and Misha sighed. "He calls me sometimes, usually when he's drunk. I'm the one who left him and I have never regretted that decision, okay?" Misha still kept his eyes on Joni who brought his gaze up and nodded.

"Okay, I believe you. Just call him, it's fine," he assured.

"I don't need to call him; I have nothing to say to him and he can't have anything new to say to me either," Misha said then, took his phone and set it on silent tone. "There, problem solved, no interruptions," he smiled and got onto the bed next to Joni. "What movie did you choose?" He asked, kissing Joni's earlobe softly.

"Rat race..." Joni answered, taking the remote control and pressing play. Deep down he couldn't help to wonder if Misha simply didn't want to speak with his ex in front of him and rather waited for a private moment.

Misha lay behind him on the bed, arm wrapped around him and Joni tried his best to relax and enjoy the movie, not be bothered by Misha's ex and... everything. Misha kissed his neck, his finger caressed his cheekbone tenderly and Joni felt his warmth radiating against him. They still weren't having sex and though Misha had assured that waiting was no issue to him, Joni couldn't help but wonder if he really meant it.

Slowly he turned to lie on his back, looking up at the blond and bringing his hand to touch his cheek. Misha leaned down to kiss him and the kiss was soft and tender, the blond smiled looking at him and Joni pulled him closer, another kiss, the movie played in the background and Misha carefully leaned on top of him. Joni felt the weight settling over his body, he felt his heart starting to beat up faster and faster, should he suggest it? Should he offer it? He wondered and at the same time felt a slight panic gathering inside him.

If he could have a drink or two first to relax, then... But, it wasn't right; he shouldn't feel the need to get drunk first to have sex. The pain of it scared him; the pain was what he remembered from the times with Chris after his ex had gotten violent. He knew it would be different with Misha, but still, the fear was there.

They had only slept together three times and all of those times both of them had been drunk and now... Joni couldn't shake the nervousness away, he wasn't sure if he could make himself relax enough to... It would have helped if Misha wasn't so... well endowed... He felt frustrated most of all, he didn't want to be like this, so confused and troubled, he would have wanted to enjoy sex like before, with a clear conscience, but Chris had spoiled it.

"What's wrong?" Misha asked when Joni's response to his kisses started to lack enthusiasm. Joni looked up at him and Misha could read from his gaze the battle of emotions. He smiled gently and kissed his forehead carefully moving from on top of him by his side. "I think we should rewind a bit, huh?" He grinned, meaning both the movie and their progress.

Misha reached for the remote and as he flipped the scenes back to where they had still been paying attention, Joni observed him and wondered how long Misha would honestly be able to wait till Chris no longer would be filling his mind with whispers. When they settled back to watching Joni reached for Misha's hand squeezing it and felt the blond squeezing him back. Joni didn't want to lose him, but he could shake the worry away that the Misha would soon grow tired of him and would rather choose his ex, with whom at least the sex life could be normal.

**^^**

Misha looked around, the sun was shining and the lake was crystal clear. Deep green trees and grass, beautiful surroundings, a lazy summer afternoon. Joni was lying on the blanket that was laid on the grass and he relaxed on the sunbathing chair next to him.

The brunet looked up at him and smiled. Misha smiled back admiring his lover's half-naked form, there were no words. Joni grinned and stood up, started walking towards the cabin while looking behind his shoulder at him alluringly.

Misha tilted his head, eyes following his boyfriend's retreating. There was something familiar and something off in the whole scene, something that made him feel oddly restless suddenly.

He looked around again and saw the car; he hadn't seen the car there before and wondered how he had missed it. It was neither his nor Joni's and what was even more peculiar was that suddenly soft white snowflakes were falling, over the tip of his nose and stretched out hand. He looked at the car and remembered seeing it before and instantly he felt panic, hitting him like a wave, he hurriedly turned his face to the door that was just closing after Joni. He tried to scream, but no voice came out and as he tried to move, to run, all his movements felt awkward and slow, like he couldn't control his own body.

And then he heard Joni's cry for help, screaming, calling out his name and Misha tried his best to reach the cabin, but his body refused to cooperate like it was supposed to. He stumbled over, again trying to scream but still found no voice and the cabin seemed to be too far and out of reach. Joni's cries were loud and desperate, ringing in his ears and making him panic even more.

Finally, he was able to reach the porch and the door, from the large window on it he could see inside. Chris was there, Joni trapped beneath him with his hands tied together and the other man was moving above him, raping him.

Misha tried to yank the door open, screaming in anger, fear, and desperation. The door however didn't move one inch no matter what, nor was he able to break the glass, he wasn't able to get in. Chris saw him, looked straight at him, his hair loose and wild, smirking and his face seemed twisted like the devil. A knife, the man was holding a knife, raised his arm, and swung it down stabbing Joni's chest, there was blood and Misha screamed.

"Misha..." Joni's voice was distant and concerned. "Misha," closer and he felt the gentle touch over his chest. Misha opened his eyes, panting. He felt cold sweat moistening his skin, and his heart was still racing, with confusion and fear. He looked up to see Joni's concerned face hovering over his and quickly Misha reached for the brunet's hand giving it a tight squeeze feeling relieved to feel him there; it had only been a dream, such an ugly, nasty dream.

"It was just a nightmare," Joni said in a soft tone and kissed his forehead. "It's okay," he added, stroking Misha's damp hair. For once it was this way around; Joni thought to himself as Misha pulled him closer, holding him tightly against his chest while still trying to calm down. Joni felt the blond shivering slightly and he frowned when observing the other's face, he had never seen Misha like this, so shaken as he was now. "What did you dream of?" He asked.

"Nothing..." Misha muttered and Joni sighed heavily.

"Well, it had to be something, come on... It helps to talk about it," he encouraged continuing to stoke Misha's hair. The blue eyes looked at him carefully. "Hey, I've told you of my dreams," Joni tried to reason.

"The cabin... Chris... you... I couldn't get to you," Misha sighed without wanting to say he saw Joni's death, he didn't even want to think of it, he simply wanted to erase it from his consciousness. Joni leaned closer and kissed him.

"Well, I'm here; it was just a dream... "The brunet whispered. He had had similar dreams as well; he knew how terrifying and real they sometimes felt. Misha pulled him to lie above himself and stole another kiss.

"Have you had other nightmares about it?" Joni asked carefully.

"Sometimes... Not like this... It was summer and all of a sudden it started snowing, I guess I should have realized that it was a dream, huh?" Misha tried to joke.

"Dreams are weird; sometimes it's just difficult to tell while in a dream..."

"Yeah," Misha agreed kissing Joni again, normally he probably would have felt aroused holding his lover like this, so close and half-naked, but now he was simply too disturbed by the dream and what he had seen in it. He gently rolled them both on their sides and kissed the tip of Joni's nose. "We should try getting back to sleep."

"Yes, I can hold your hand so you won't get scared again," Joni grinned and made Misha smile.

"Good," the blond whispered. Joni obviously enjoyed his new role of being the comforter and well... It was cute to Misha.

****

The first time visiting the therapist was the most nerve-wracking. Joni didn't want people to know that he was seeing a shrink, worrying that they might think that he had gone crazy. He was also too afraid to drive now, worried about another accident or another panic attack, so he had to rely on either his father or Misha to drive him to places, they didn't seem to mind, but still, it made him feel embarrassed.

The therapist was a forty-seven-year-old woman with years of experience. The office was quite comfortable, cozy even; different from what he had imagined it to be.

In his mind, Joni had pictured that he would have to lie down on some sort of couch as they did in some movies he'd seen, but instead, he found himself sitting in a fairly comfortable armchair, holding a cup of coffee in his hands that had been offered to him, there was even a plate of cookies on the table next to him and Joni wondered if it was some secret mental test, not knowing what the correct way to behave with the cookies was, he decided to leave them untouched.

The woman; Pauliina Pelkonen had shoulder-length red hair and glasses, she obviously wasn't much into fashion, and in the first minutes in her office Joni had already observed her appearance and decided that she too could use a proper makeover, yet another one who might profit from getting Jami's number and perhaps, if she was good enough in her job Joni could provide her some fashion tips later.

She spoke with a calming voice at first just inquiring about regular stuff, she talked of the weather for example and Joni wondered if this was worth paying anything, he could talk about the weather or education with anyone, right? But he responded and slowly started to relax from wondering about every meaning and possible hidden test of the woman trying to catch him from being completely mad and then tell some white-coated men to take him away.

And after getting him to relax, did she bring up the real subject; Chris? Joni felt uncomfortable again, his coffee was already cold and he kept spinning the spoon inside the mug. She asked him to tell her about their relationship and he told about it in a nutshell, he told the basics, how long they had been together, the jealousy, and finally about the first 'incident' naming it just that; an incident.

"The first time he was violent to you?" The woman asked and Joni nodded. "Was it sexual as well?" Joni couldn't look at her but nodded just the same. They only scratched the surface on the first meeting.

Misha was there to pick him up, waiting for him outside the office and smiling at the sight of him. "How did it go?" He asked while they were walking towards his car. Joni shrugged.

"She didn't declare me mad, at least not yet," he answered and Misha chuckled softly, gently ruffling his hair.

"Lots of people go talking to a therapist without being mad," the blond grinned and walked over to the driver's side of the car. "There is no reason to be embarrassed," he added while opening the door. Joni sat down on the passenger seat observing Misha who was starting the engine.

"Would you go?" He asked and Misha gave him a confused glance.

"To a therapist?" He asked and Joni nodded. "I have no reason to; you have a very good reason," he answered and the brunet frowned.

"You have nightmares almost every night now, I know from sleeping next to you... Chris threatened you as well; you were in danger as well, so why should my reason be greater than yours?"

Misha tensed up slightly, the nightmares were a sensitive subject to him because they represented something that could be a real threat in the future while Chris was in the world.

"Because I wasn't the one who was raped and beaten by that lunatic!" He snapped suddenly, without meaning to sound do blunt or harsh. He glanced at Joni who was eyeing him looking upset. "Hey, I'm sorry... I just... I didn't mean to say it like that, forgive me?"

Joni was quiet and looking out of the window, "Are you going to give me a silent treatment now?" Misha sighed and Joni glanced at him, seeming hesitant to speak. "I'm sorry, but it is true," Misha glanced at him again. "Look, I- I wish I knew how to... It's difficult for me as well, half of the time I don't know what's going through in your head and it's a subject I just don't know how to approach properly."

Joni sighed, looking down at his hands. "I fear it bothers you that we're not having sex," he muttered. "And...I know your ex has been calling you more than that one time, I can't help it bothers me."

"Joni, you don't have worry about us not having sex yet. I love you, okay? And yes my ex might have been calling me, but no I have no desire to go to him."

Joni chewed on his lip, feeling more relaxed. "Why does your ex have his own special ringtone then?" Joni decided to ask since it had been bothering him quite a bit. Misha glanced at him looking more or less amused.

"Special?" He asked. "Special in being so annoying, that I instantly know I don't need to answer."

"Oh?" Joni smiled now. "I'm relieved, I worried you liked that tone," he grinned then and the blond grinned back. "He calls because he would want to have sex with you?" Joni asked with a more serious tone, Misha nodded and Joni was quiet for a moment. "Are you ever tempted though? I don't blame you if you are, I'm just... curious," he said hesitantly.

"No," Misha replied quickly. "My ex would have wanted to try threesomes or moresomes, plus some other weird stuff that I'm not into. I won't lie, I tried a threesome once when I was younger, and I didn't like it. I won't say it was bad, but it made me feel weird, it was better on an imaginary level. Many things are better left to the imagination. I rather focus on just one person in real life," Again the blond glanced at Joni quickly. "I know things are complicated right now, but I know where I want to be and that is next to you. Okay? And please trust me on this; I don't mind waiting, because I know how great it can be between us. So I hope you would stop worrying. I know where I want to be and it's here next to you."

Joni smiled, feeling much better. "Likewise," he whispered. "I love you, Misha."

Misha smiled back glancing at him briefly while driving."Just so you know, you have a special ringtone as well and that is one of my favorite songs."

"Really?" Joni asked curiously. "What is it?"

"Scorpions... Send me an angel," he replied.

"Who knew you could be so cheesy?" Joni chuckled, hesitated for a while, and reached to touch the blond's arm; he gave a small squeeze, staring at the road ahead of them. "I know I want to be here as well, with you, always," he whispered and lowered his hand down on his lap.

"I like that part; always," Misha confessed