Joni had finished his list: 4. Eat healthy food, and cut down on carbs! 5. Get yourself a new apartment, 6. Go get the rest of your stuff from the old one. 7. Call your agent, and discuss the possible return to modeling. 8. Study.

The numbers weren't in any logical order, but now that it was written down what he needed to do, he felt better. He felt like he had rested enough, wasted enough time. If he set his mind on not being affected by what had happened he could do it, he just needed to try harder.

Joni had switched his cell phone back on after Misha's visit, and later that evening he had gotten a message from him asking if he would go mini-golfing with him the following day. 

He felt slightly amused, at least Misha was trying. Incidentally, he had also gotten a message from Markus. Well, two messages in fact since he had kept his phone closed for so many days. "Hey man, you ok? Tried to call you, can we meet this weekend, on Saturday perhaps?" And the other: "Seriously Joni, are you ok? I'm worried, let me know."

Markus had responded to his Facebook friend request quite fast when he had sent it and they had exchanged a few messages there, though Joni had avoided the subject of clearing up just what happened between Chris and him. However, Markus seemed very eager to meet.

Now this left him with the question: which one of the two should he meet tomorrow? Joni pondered his options, he was tired of staying indoors and... mini golfing seemed like something innocent and like light amusement, it might be fun? It wouldn't need to be anything more, right? On the other hand, he hadn't seen Markus in months ...

Plus, he really shouldn't give in to Misha this easily. Even though deep down, a day spent with Misha sounded a lot more appealing than one with Markus to whom he might have to explain things he'd rather focus on forgetting. Still... He hadn't completely forgiven Misha yet and wanted to see more effort from the Russian. Finally, after an hour of thinking, he sent his reply. "I have other plans tomorrow."

It didn't take long till Misha sent another message. "Sunday then?"

At this, Joni grinned and decided to keep the man waiting for a reply just as long as it would take him to call Markus and agree to meet with him on Saturday afternoon for coffee. And then he was free to respond to Misha.

"Perhaps... but Misha, I do not consider mini golfing real golfing. As friends, yes I can go play with you."

"You enjoy torturing me like this, don't you, brat?" Misha had written back and this time Joni didn't take long to reply.

"Torturing you? I'm sure I don't understand what you mean 🙂 'Night..."

"Good night Joni, I'll come and pick you up Sunday at noon."

Joni read the message and lowered his phone on the nightstand before lying down on his bed staring at the ceiling. Part of him couldn't help but wonder if Misha was in fact only enjoying these games of playing hard to get, if only that was what sparked his interest. And always freaked out when he was about to get into the relationship? This thought worried Joni. If he hadn't been together with Chris when their paths had been reunited, would Misha have had any real interest in him? 

Afraid of getting hurt again, it started to feel even more important to test Misha. Deep down he also wanted to make sure that Misha, or any other man he would finally end up with, could handle everything that he was, could be patient with his sometimes sudden whims, and doubts, his stubbornness, and just... all of it, without losing their temper in a bad way.

He still had trouble sleeping during the night; Chris kept haunting his dreams in one way or another and Joni hated it. The trial was coming closer and closer with each passing day and while he wanted it over and done with, Joni also knew that the trial meant that he'd be forced to face Chris in the courtroom. He'd have to sit there and tell his side of things and... Chris would be there.

He still dreaded that they would let Chris go without any sentence, allowing him to stay and work in Helsinki and then... Of course, Chris would be angry at him, he was locked up in some tiny room because of him, and... Joni turned over on his side on the bed staring at the opposite end of the room. The silence in the house felt suffocating and heavy, then he started to imagine sounds that didn't exist but were created out of fear. He turned his eyes to the closed door of his room, feeling his body starting to shiver as he thought that he heard soft creaks from the stairway and sounds of footsteps coming closer. It was far too easy to imagine how Chris would suddenly step into his room with an angry smirk on his face.

Joni sat up and rubbed his face. "Don't be silly," he whispered to himself and narrowed his eyes toward the door, almost daring it to open. He had to conquer these silly fears, he had to get back to leading a normal life, had to forget. Slowly he got up and pulled on his sweatpants and long-sleeved shirt before quietly walking to the door and silently opening it. Quiet, his family was sleeping. It was 1.30 am. Joni glanced around before stepping further into the hall, sneaking towards the stairs.

He felt anxious, his head was aching and it almost felt like it was difficult to breathe. He felt so weak, too weak, without control, his body and mind exhausted, disgusted by the label he now carried. He felt trapped somehow, wanting so desperately to move on, but finding it difficult. If he could just forget, not hear his voice, not remember his touch, the numerous times seeing the shadow at the doorway, the looming shadow, the heavy breathing, and approaching steps, the click of a belt. How he had been holding his breath, not daring to move, and knowing what would happen was something he couldn't stop because otherwise, Chris could destroy everything. As long as everything looked well on the outside – he had thought then and held on to the thought.

How could something that had once been good turn so ugly? The memories played over and over in his mind in one big chaos, meeting Chris, the first nights in the guest room, the long chats online, and how he had longed to see the man. Canada, kissing, having sex, laughing, their trip to Paris, moving in, happiness, having sex like bunnies, such brief happiness until jealousy turned it into something ugly... Joni trembled even more heavily, he didn't want to think about Chris, wanted to erase it all. And he hated himself more when he felt the sudden stabs of guilt returning thinking that maybe it was his fault that Chris had changed. When he imagined his ex in that tiny cell, alone, afraid... The man he had cared for once... Maybe it was his fault? Something he had done? The way he was? He knew he could be difficult, even selfish at times, and... vain... He hadn't meant to flirt, but... he had...

Why was this happening to him? Why was this mess falling over him? He shouldn't blame Misha for having doubts, right? He was disgusting and tainted and... Joni noticed he was standing in front of his father's liquor cabinet, scanning the bottles, opening the glass door, and touching the glass bottles with his index finger, thinking. It would be such an easy solution, to drink and forget... The wonderful light feeling of being drunk, yet... There would always be the next morning and then what? Reaching for another bottle?

 He glanced up at the wall, where his mother's picture was hanging. Her eyes seemed to be looking straight at him and though the picture of his mother was smiling softly, Joni could easily imagine the disappointment that would form on her face if she was alive and saw him. Alcohol wouldn't be the answer, it was a quick way to ruin and so he closed the door leaving the bottles untouched.

He drifted his gaze to the window, the nights were getting darker now, fresher, he remembered how running had always made him feel better and decided he would rather have that become his drug.

And so, Joni got his running shoes, put them on his feet, took his keys, and stepped out into the fresh summer night. The streets were quiet. Joni stood on the porch wondering if he really dared to go running alone at this time of the night. He wondered about his fears, meeting Chris? Someone else? A bear perhaps? The thought almost made him snigger, what an ironic fate it would be; after everything getting eaten by a bear! He could imagine the headlines! Joni wasn't sure why it was so amusing to him, perhaps because it was so unlikely to come across such a creature in this area.

Anyway, he had to conquer his fear of Chris and other troubles and so he took a deep breath and walked towards the front gate. The neighborhood they lived in was well respected and peaceful, mostly families lived there, there were no pubs nearby, and no liquor stores, so Joni figured it should be quite safe even in the middle of the night.

He walked at first, quickening his steps at a slow phase, trying to remember that he couldn't expect his body to have fully recovered, he was much weaker than before the 'incident'. There were only a few cars driving by. Joni started to jog towards the nearby forest, which indeed should be free of bears and other nasty creatures like gray wolves and such, where it would be more pleasant to run over the soft sandy roads. He felt the soft breeze caress his face gently, the soft sounds of nature, the sand under his shoes once he reached the forest, at times he stopped to walk, getting out of breath easily, the muscles of his legs seemed to protest, but he wouldn't give in, would get used to this again. He needed to regain his strength.

As he continued to run, forcing his body to continue, each step seemed lighter and easier to take, it was so still, such a quiet summer night. He ran faster, felt his anxiety easing its grip on him, washing away fears and memories, concentrating only on running, the sounds of his steps, his breathing, feeling his muscles moving him forward, such a light feeling almost like... flying... When he returned home, walking now, he smiled, feeling incredible, invincible, almost like ... drunk but better, so much better. He could do this, he could get through this, for that moment he felt no fear and knew he'd go running the following night as well.

He sneaked back into the house, knowing he didn't want his family to know that he'd been out at this hour, they would just worry and treat him like a broken child that needed shelter, who couldn't take care of himself. But he could, he would show them, he would show everyone.

 A quick visit to the bathroom, a drink of water, splashing water on his face, a change of clothes and then returning to his bedroom. He lay down on his bed, once again staring at the ceiling. He had done it, he had gone out and conquered his fears, for that short moment Joni felt like he truly had. He felt like he knew the right tools to recover; the healing power of exercise and making plans. It was so simple really.

Only... It wasn't that simple, it never would be. For that night, however, Joni slept better than he had for days.

**^^**^^**

That Saturday morning Joni came down to have breakfast with them, Katja exchanged a somewhat relieved look with her husband since it had been a struggle to get him to eat. The youth had visibly lost some weight and for the past week, he had seemed so gloomy and tired. Perhaps Misha's visit had cheered him up? Katja wondered observing her stepson who seemed almost... happy? At least he was smiling and it was not that forced grim smile that they had almost gotten used to seeing that week.

"Did you sleep well?" Asko asked as Joni was peeling some apples in front of the counter.

"I did yes, thank you. And you?" He asked, glancing at them. He felt his muscles being a little sore from his late-night running, but it was a good soreness that he actually kind of liked.

"Just fine, thanks," Asko smiled. Joni took some cottage cheese from the fridge and spread some onto a plate with the pieces of apple before taking a seat down.

"Won't you take some pancakes?" Katja asked, she rarely made pancakes but she had to admit she was hoping to fatten the boy up some, well... get him back to his normal weight at least.

"No thanks," Joni said, arranging the pieces of apple and then picking up one and starting to eat it.

"Some porridge perhaps?" Katja suggested.

"Nope," Joni shook his head. "Porridge tastes like cardboard and has too many carbs..."

His father sighed at this. "Don't tell me that you're on some silly diet, what is this nonsense about the evil carbohydrates anyway? You need them and they are good for you, trust me. You have to start eating more Joni, you've lost weight." Joni narrowed his eyes at his father, annoyed, his good mood gone.

"For fuck's sake, it's my business what I eat, I am not a child!" He protested and got up, his siblings were looking at him quietly, a little surprised about the sudden shift in his mood.

"Joni, please calm down and finish your breakfast," Asko tried to remain calm; though he had to fight himself not to drag his eldest back to the table and force-feed him.

"I'm not hungry, plus I have things to do," Joni snapped and hurried upstairs. Asko felt a headache approaching, he was worried about his son's behavior and felt helpless as to what he could do. He knew what had caused it, of course, he knew and that was what made it complicated. He honestly didn't know how he as a parent could help his son, how he could talk to him, he knew he shouldn't lose his nerve even though Joni wasn't behaving so nicely to them.

The rest of the family ate their breakfast silently, even the children sensed the difference in the air, the tension, and the worry. The twins, though usually quite restless and loud, now were on their best behavior.

"May we go out and play?" Julius asked carefully and Katja smiled gently at them.

"Of course, if you take your sister with you and keep a good eye on her?"

"Yes Mom, come Sini, let's go play," the three of them left the kitchen and both Katja and Asko started to clear the table in a somewhat uncomfortable silence.

Just five minutes later Joni returned downstairs. "I'm going, I'll be back in the afternoon, I'll probably eat out!" Asko walked to the hall and looked at him as he was putting his shoes on.

"Just where are you going? Can't I take you?" He asked worriedly and Joni flashed him a smile as if the episode in the kitchen hadn't happened.

"Thanks, Dad, but I'll be fine, I have so many things to take care of, meeting a friend and stuff. Don't worry! See you!" He said almost cheerfully and left before Asko could respond. He turned when he heard his wife's steps behind him.

"What should I do?" He asked, hating the helpless feeling. "I don't know what to do, Katja." He said, shaking his head, running his fingers through his hair. Katja didn't have the answers, she worried as well, Joni was young, but he was an adult and they couldn't force him to stay, couldn't force him to eat.

"Perhaps... if we gently suggest that..." Katja hesitated. "That he would talk to some professional, about... Chris..." Asko looked at her and gave her a miserable smile, he could already see his son's reaction to this gentle suggestion, and at the same time, he thought it would be best if Joni talked to someone with better tools to help than they had.