The sound of the waves crashing on the shore had always calmed me. Now though, I was so aware of the frantic beating of my heart that I'd be surprised if Jasper hadn't heard it yet.

We (well, 70% me) were sitting on my spread out coat. We had no time to go and get something else since Jasper quickly made a turn to bring us to my favorite Taco place. We ordered and went off, and now here we were; surrounded by the salty breeze, and me stuffing my face with something close to heaven.

I try to concentrate on my eating or on the open horizon before us. It was already dark, but the moon gave enough light and beyond, I could make out the lights of a ship passing by. I imagined Jasmine on that ship. Sailing away to someplace I would never know of until she wanted me to. She could be looking at the shore right now, smiling or laughing at me. She could be wearing a dress and dancing with a few gentlemen on that ship, not a care in the world. She could be anywhere- and I hoped she was somewhere safe and warm. Not dark and alone- or dead.

I blinked back the tears that surprised me, hoping Jasper had not noticed. I didn't want him to fuss over it like he usually did. I glanced at him discreetly. He was stretched out beside me, his hands behind his head, his eyes closed and worse, his taco untouched. I pursed my lips before one of his eyes shoot open and catch me staring. I blink and look away, hoping it looked casual, and turned my attention back on the ship.

"What else did Jasmine tell you about me?" I ask, swaying my feet side to side. It kind of felt awkward, talking about these things with the guy I was so bent on hating; I had not even remembered the first time we spoke. He remembered it though. I wonder if he felt the same way I did, when Jasmine showed up when I was having the worst night of my life. I shake the thought away. Of course he didn't, because then he would have made an effort to actually talk to me. Right?

"That you often overthink a lot of things," he suddenly says, startling me from my musings. I turn to him and he had both his eyes open now, focused on the cloudless sky above us. "Somehow, she thinks, that it is because you are afraid of making the same mistakes you did before. That somehow, something would come along and snatch your old self out from under the new skin you had built around you."

I scoff at this, turning to focus on my third taco. Somehow, I lost my appetite- my throat dry. Did Jasmine really tell him that? I didn't even tell her that.

"I never pegged you for a worrier," he continues. "Always been the though girl. The girl who always had a goal and a plan that went with it. But Jasmine was the one who showed me that sometimes, even the strongest people have worriers. Have something that could break them apart and I guess, Jasmine had been someone that helped hold you together too, huh?"

I didn't realize he was asking me a question so when I did, I turned to him as he immediately shot up, a crease on his forehead. I was already crying, nodding to him but smiling either way. It was true, all of it was. Jasmine held me perfectly well. She was someone I looked up to, someone who could rein my demons in and not be afraid that I had them.

"Crap," he muttered, running a hand through his hair and looking away. "I didn't mean to make you cry, blondie."

I shake my head at him, a shrill laugh escaping my lips. He looks at me funny before I find my voice again.

"It's okay," I assure him. "I just never knew how much Jasmine completed me. How much she knew about me. I guess I was so used to having her around I just never realized how much of 'me' was because of her."

"Well nothing has changed," he smiles, a small one tinged with a bit of sadness that only surfaced once in a while. "You're still the Patricia you worked so hard on to be. You are also still the Patricia that you grew up to be. Both of these Patricia's needed Jasmine, and both of these Patricia's were loved by her. So you don't have to worry about your old self easing through the cracks. It's alright to break down once in a while."

I stare at him and wonder if he was trying to convince me or himself. Jasmine was the only thing that somehow made us both feel like our sins would be forgiven. I chuckle, catching Jasper's attention. He studies me for a moment probably worried that I really was breaking down before my chuckle turns into a real laugh, and maybe I had broken down. Despite the possibility of it, Jasper remains quiet beside me, his eyes never leaving my probably crazed state, and it made me feel...free, somehow. He didn't fuss over me, or tried hard to actually get me to tell him what was wrong. Jasper was just...there. And I never realized how much I needed someone to be just...there. 

When my laughter has died down, the ships in the horizon were just specs of light in the distance and Jasper had just finished most of the Taco's, not really caring he ate a half eaten one of mine. 

"So...you're boyfriend," he starts, and from the sound of his voice he's been thinking of this question for a while. 

"Does he know about the old Patricia?" 

It took me a moment before shaking my head. So much for being the same Patricia. This seems to surprise him but he easily hides it and continues, not even bothering to chew and swallow properly before speaking. 

"I see," he says before, "can I ask why? Are you worried that he won't-"

"Why are we even talking about this?" I snap at him unintentionally. "He doesn't need to know about the things I have done. It's all in the past and... I'm not going back there." 

"Hey," he puts his hands in front of him like a shield. "I'm just curious. I thought we were having a special heart to heart moment right now. Sorry if I over stepped." 

"You seem to overstep a lot," I counter and he laughs, irritatingly so. 

"Yeah, I guess I do sometimes," he says after a while and I scoff at him, rolling my eyes and turning to face the ocean again. 

"I was the school's Queen bitch," I start, adjusting away from him in case I decide to just run away. I didn't know why I was telling him this, but maybe because he had opened up to me a while ago. I guess it is only natural for me to do the same. 

"Jasmine had probably already heard about me even before we became friends," I continue, rubbing my hands together like I could rub off what I had done before. "I was miss popular, and I was so cruel." 

"I was actually surprised I haven't even crossed paths with Jasmine before," I say, feeling ashamed at what I was about to admit. "She was someone I would have dedicated my life to make miserable." 

When he doesn't say anything, I glance at him discreetly. He was turned towards the ocean, the wrapper of a Taco balled up in his hands. Somehow, him not responding scared me more than my own boyfriend finding out. Nathan would definitely leave me. For so long he tried to shut the rumors about me...yet those rumors were true. 

"There was a girl," I push on, realizing I didn't even tell Jasmine about this. "She was in our class. She was super quiet and I sort of labeled her as a weirdo." This time Jasper does turn to me. I clear my throat and continue. 

"Well, I dedicated my life into making hers miserable. It worked. The girl would often cry in bathrooms, avoid people in the hallway. I attacked her directly, it gave me some sort of power. I found out she had a crush on one of the jocks in our school team. I made out with him in front of her, and told her things I still can't believe came out of my mouth," I stop, noticing how he raised an eyebrow at the fact that I made out with a guy for fun and another persons misery. Somehow I wanted to curl up into myself and just tell Jasper to forget what I said. 

"The next day, she sported a new haircut, she didn't even react anymore to all the teasing and bullying," I continue, feeling the burn at the corners of my eyes. "I should have stopped then, but I just..." 

"You loved the control you had," he says quietly and I look at him. I didn't even bother correcting him before I used the last of my nerve to say the rest of the story. 

"She...she transferred schools after a week or so," I continue. "I never saw her again but before that...she...she tried to end her life." This time I let the tears fall, the guilt and regret of it all finally too much. "I wanted the control but...I didn't want that." 

"Hey, we all do bad things-" he starts but stops when I shake my head at him, almost pleading for him to tell me that it was not okay. It was something I should never have done. 

"She wasn't the only one," I tell him. "There were so many others and I don't know how much damage I have caused. How much of them wanted to end their lives if it meant they wouldn't cross paths with me again-" 

"Shut up," he snaps and I glance back at him, too surprised to continue. I thought this would be it, someone who would finally tell me everything was wrong. That I would never change. That I could never rub off my sins by trying to change. Instead of screaming at me, he leans over and holds me steady on my shoulders. Probably to stop me from shaking so much. 

"What you did was wrong," he states calmly. "Heck, it was evil. And yes, you do not deserve forgiveness...not from them. You can't go knock on their houses and ask them to forgive you for what you have done, Pat. You can't take those words or actions back. What you can do now is...forgive yourself, and learn from it. Do what you can so that what you did, won't be repeated. We all have our demons, Pat. Don't feel so special. What we have to do now, is make sure our demons don't whisper into other people's ears too." 

I've been crying a lot around Jasper, and if that wasn't proof enough that this boy would give me nothing but problems, then I don't know what will. 

"Jeez, if I knew you were such a crybaby I wouldn't have said anything," he says but lets me cry on his shoulder. "Hey, I didn't sign up for babysitting services okay." 

I laugh through my tears. "Then what did you sign up for? Because I hate to break it to you, I am such a crybaby." My joke falls flat by the way his eyes changed for brief moment, his gaze resting far too long on my lips before meeting my eyes again. Suddenly I felt the air outside was not enough. I pull away from him and he looks away. 

"I think it's time to go home," he says quietly and I give him a brief nod. 

The drive back home was silent...and awkward. I kept fussing with the belt, feeling the heat on my cheeks but refusing to believe I was blushing because of Jasper. Why would I even...feel this way? Damn it, why chose to betray me now, heart? I put a hand to my chest and hit it discreetly, as if I could make my heart stop beating so fast. 

When we arrive at my place, Jasper insists to walk me to the door in case there was another delivery and of course, there was. 

It was a single rose, but nothing about it felt romantic as it should. I bend down to pick it up, hissing as a thorn cuts through my skin. I watch the blood drip out before examining it. It had no tags, no dates, no note. It was just a flower. 

"Perhaps it's just from an admirer?" Jasper suggests almost making me jump as I had forgotten he was there. I shake my head at him. 

"No... I think it's another clue," I tell him, staring at the rose in my hand.