Awkward.

That is the best word to describe this lunch.

Our mothers appear to be completely clueless to the tension between Aurelia and I as they converse about parent things.

Isabella and Haley are whispering about who knows what.

I am absentmindedly playing with my salad since I am not really hungry and I am not in the right headspace to talk to the black haired girl beside me.

I feel like I may freak out on the girl and blame her rather than congratulate her.

I do not want to blame anyone for anything.

If I do end up blaming someone, then it should be myself for falling for her.

I feel someone harshly elbow me in the side causing me to jump in my seat, dropping my metal fork on the table in the process.

I look around the table only to notice that everyone is staring at me expectantly.

Shit.

"What?" I ask with furrowed brows

"Are you feeling alright? You look sick" Ms. Kingsbury says with a worried tone of voice

Um.

What?!

"Uh- I'm fine" I state awkwardly

Aurelia gently places her hand on mine causing me to look at her for the first time during this entire dinner.

She is currently giving me a questioning look making me take in a shaky breath.

I need to get out of here.

Quick.

"May I be excused?" I question as I quickly turn to face my parents, moving my shaky hands away from the confused grey eyed girl

They also give me a confused facial expression but ultimately nod their heads nonetheless.

I smile thankfully before standing up and grabbing my plate in the process. I place my plate on the counter and quickly make my way towards the staircase, instantly heading towards my room.

Once I am safely inside my bedroom I close my door and release a breath of relief.

Just when I think that I'll be Kingsbury free for two days she pops up out of nowhere!

I walk over towards my mirror and study my face.

Ms. Kingsbury is right.

I do look sick.

My face is sickly pale versus its usual slight pink complexion.

My lips are dry and dull versus their usual light pink color.

My under eye bags are a grayish-purple color.

Overall, I look like shit.

I am in the middle of observing my oddly pale complexion when I hear a firm knock on my door. I quickly turn towards the door when it begins to open only to roll my eyes when Aurelia walks into my room.

What point is the world trying to prove to me right now?

"I didn't say that you could come in" I state lowly as I walk over to my desk and grab my computer

I might as well catch up on my homework.

"Hanna, are you okay?" She asks with a genuinely worried tone of voice

"I'm fine" I reply curtly as I grab my science notebook as well

"Hanna, look at me" She says with obvious annoyance in her tone of voice

I sigh before turning around and staring deep into her light grey irises.

Do not fall for her.

We both know what happened when you did that the first time.

Get your emotions under control.

"What?" I ask her calmly

I just want to hurry up and end this conversation so that I can get started on my homework.

"Are you mad at me?" She questions

I turn away from her, grabbing my pencil pouch.

"No, I'm not mad" I reply honestly

I am just emotionally unstable.

"Then why are you avoiding me?" She questions making me sigh again

I really do not want to talk about this right now.

"Can we talk about this later?" I question back as I begin to walk back over towards my bed

She stops me by firmly grabbing my forearm and cornering me against my desk.

Shit.

"What's going on? You know that you can talk to me, princess" she says

I internally cringe at the nickname, awkwardly shifting under her gaze.

Now is definitely not the time for nicknames.

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't call me that" I say as I look down at my floor, avoiding her burning gaze

Ugh.

This is not going to end well at all.

"What happened? We used to be partners" she says motioning between the both of us

Is she serious right now?

I look up at the grey eyed girl and glare at her.

"We were never 'partners', neither one of us asked the other out" I state matter of factly

Harsh, Hanna.

"You can't stand here and tell me that you did not have the tiniest bit of feelings for me" she says with an appalled facial expression

My feelings for you are way stronger than a 'tiny bit', but I am trying to get her to hate me.

If she hates me then I am hoping that she will put all of her energy into Faith.

Well, besides the hatred.

"I've said it once and I'll say it again, 'I will never have feelings for a Kingsbury'" I state as emotionlessly as I can

I feel my weak teenage heart break all over again as her beautiful eyes gloss over.

No.

Please don't cry.

I look away and nervously bite my bottom lip before I get the chance to confess that I am doing this so that she will go after the person that she really likes.

Faith.

"What's gotten into you? One second you're actually okay with being seen in public with me, and the next I don't hear from you for over twenty four hours and you hate me" she says with obvious confusion

Shit.

I need to get her away from me before I begin to place all the blame on her.

"I think it's best if you go, I have homework to do" I mumble as I gently slip out from under her and walk over to the end of my bed

Do not look at her.

"Hanna-" she starts again but I cut her off

Do not look at her.

"Aurelia, please leave, I need time to think" I say with a shaky tone of voice as I continue to avoid her captivating irises

Why is this so hard?

"Do you really want me to leave?" She asks me genuinely catching me off guard

I look up towards my ceiling and blink my eyes, not wanting my tears to fall down my face.

No.

"Yes" I say, my voice cracking in the process

Gosh.

I am such a fucking liar.

"Look me in the eye and tell me that you never had feelings for me-" she says making me take in a shaky breath

Fuck.

"Aurelia-" I interrupt her only for her to continue

"Tell me that the past two months meant nothing to you and I'll leave you alone" she promises

Fuck.

I look down at my converse clad feet as a few tears escape my hazel eyes.

I release a shaky breath of air, bringing my hands up to wipe away my tears.

You can do this, Wilder.

I turn around to face her, her five foot seven inch frame towering over my five foot five inch one.

My eyes instantly meet hers making my heart pound painfully in my chest.

"I-" I begin only to immediately stop

I take another deep breath.

Come on, Hanna, you're doing this for her happiness.

"I-" I begin again only to bow my head and chew on my bottom lip

I can't.

If I were to say that to her then I would be lying.

And I hate lying to her.

But I do not want to hold her back from completely pursuing her relationship with Faith.

"You can't say it, can you?" She questions knowingly

I wrap my arms tightly around my body as my tears begin to cascade down my cheeks.

Fuck.

Why does this hurt so bad?

I wasn't even dating her yet this hurts more than any break up I have had with Chadley.

"I'm doing this for you, I want you to be happy" I tell her in between tears

"I am happy, with you" she says

Fuck.

She goes to hug me only for me to hold my hand out and shake my head at her.

I can not touch her.

If I do, I will without a doubt fall for her harder than I already have.

"No, you're not," I begin

"As much as I hate to admit it, I like you Aurelia Kingsbury, I like you more than I have liked anyone else," I confess truthfully

She continues to stare at me with a mysterious look in her eyes as I go on.

"Therefore, I want you to be happy, so I'm letting you go" I tell her before looking at my wall

I expect her to understand and walk away, but she does the opposite.

"You confess your feelings for me and still expect me to leave you?!" She questions with an appalled tone of voice

If I wasn't trying to help her get with my best friend then I would love the fact that she is not taking no for an answer.

"Aurelia, I want you to be happy!" I exclaim as I turn to face the black haired girl

"And I want you to be happy!" She says back

What?

"You've been through so much shit, Hanna, you deserve to be happy for once in your life" she says making more tears fall from my eyes

Why the hell is she making this so hard?

"Do you want to make me happy?" I question shakily

"Yes, of course I do" she replies honestly

Great answer.

"Then you will pretend like you do not know me" I tell her as I wipe away a stray tear

"What?" She questions with a voice crack

Fuck.

I look down at my shoes again as I feel a new wave of tears wash over my over emotional self.

"I want you to forget about me" I tell her firmly

This is what's best for the both of us.

"You don't seriously mean that" she says

"Yes, Aurelia, I do" I state

Wow.

This is really happening.

"Look me in the eye and tell me that again" she tells me

I sigh.

You can do this, Hanna.

Make her believe it.

I look up at her face, meeting her eyes for the fifth time today, forcing out the words that I never thought I would have to say.

"I, Hanna Wilder, want you, Aurelia Kingsbury, to forget about me," I quickly blurt out so that I don't have time to back out

"Whenever you see me in class I want you to ignore me, whenever you see me in the halls I want you to ignore me, whenever you see me at lunch I want you to ignore me" I tell her, ignoring the sound of my breaking heart

She will thank me for this further down the line when her and Faith decide to take their relationship to the next level.

By doing this she will not have the burden of having to constantly worry about me.

She goes to say something but we are interrupted by Isabella bursting into my bedroom.

"Aurelia's mom needs to talk to her" she states before walking away, leaving my door wide open

I guess that this is goodbye.

"Goodbye, Kingsbury" I say breathily, my heart hurting way more than I expected it to hurt

I need to walk away from her before I break down in front of her.

Before she gets a chance to try and change my mind I grab my computer and walk towards my closet. Shutting the door behind me and locking it.

I wait until I hear her footsteps retreat and my bedroom door close before completely breaking down.

I unconsciously slide down my door as I begin to sob. Placing my forehead on my bent knees.

I just let go of the love of my life.

But it was for a good reason.

I know that that is not saying much since I am only fifteen, but I'm smart enough to know when I have very deep feelings for someone.

And that someone just so happens to be the girl that I forced out of my life.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

My heart was hurting so much while writing this.

My heart hasn't hurt this bad since Aspen and Charlotte broke up.

And we all know that that was an emotional rollercoaster.