My lips buzzed with the familiar sensation and I felt like I was floating on air all over again, an intoxicating sensation creeping into the crevices of my being.

That was until you pushed me away, your eyes wide with disbelief and...disgust? You looked disgusted by what I had done but there was no reason for you be disgusted by my action. I wanted to kiss you. You wanted to kiss me.

Right?

Or had I completely misread the signs?

My heart was beating loudly. I could feel it ring in my ears and beat rapidly against my ribcage. Nervousness arose to my throat and I felt sick all of a sudden. I breathed in deep and took a step back, the pain of your rejection hitting me with full force and momentarily throwing me off course. This was not what I had prepared myself for.

I loved that with you, Bradley, I could laugh and enjoy myself but of course I had to look out for the way I acted around you so you would not get bored and you would still be intrigued by me enough to love my company. But that was never the same issue for me. I wanted more. I wanted lots more and you couldn't see it, even standing there in the hallway with my emotions all over the floor for you to see.

I finally raised my eyes to you and you looked at me, slightly taken aback. Your hand gripped the handle of the front door as your feet shuffled against the welcome doormat. A tense silence made a home between us, one I wished was not there in the first place but it preyed on our vulnerability and our inability to say anything that would not hurt the other.

"Kareena," you whispered, your voice hoarse. A tone of uncertainty underlined your voice and I found myself fidgeting in my place.

I loved it when you called me Kareena but you seldom did so, always insisting Curry was a wiser alternative. You liked to say that your nickname for me was an inside joke, one only the two of us would get and perhaps that was why each and every time you called me Curry instead of Kareena or even a more fitting nickname I brushed it aside because it was an inside joke, one only the two of us were privy to—one only the two of us understood. It was special. It was something we shared—just the two of us. It made me feel wonderful, to always have a part of me with you that no one could understand. It all sounded silly, I knew that, but to me that didn't matter. You called me Curry—just you, and no matter how messed up or sick that was I liked it. Not because I liked the nickname—no, God I hated it, but because I liked that only you called me that. It was like your special term of endearment to me. Instead of being called sweetheart or honey, you called me Curry.

And now hearing you call me Kareena made me feel even more sick. It was not that you hadn't called me Kareena before but it was what you called me when things between us got serious. You were going to call me off, I just knew it.

Rejection was a sucker punch right to the stomach but to lose you completely... This was what I'd always feared. This was why I'd never made a move. This was why I had always hid my emotions deep within me. I could never control my feelings about you, but when you were in the room, I tried my best to cover it up.

But now everything was different.

All because of you.

If you hadn't come calling drunk to me maybe this mess would not have started.

"Kareena," you repeated, your voice holding a painful tone to it and dread immediately filled me up again. "I didn't—last night—"

"Was the best fucking night you've ever had. Just admit it, Bradley," I exasperated, trying a tentative step forward. I was tired of this cat and mouse game we had been playing for the last couple of months. Perhaps it didn't seem like that to you but it was always like that for me; we were always walking on a thread.

You eyed my movement and I lowered my hand instantly.

"It was a great night, Kareena," you admitted and I swallowed hard when my name slipped past your lips again. For some reason it made it feel like the whole situation was more real. I didn't want it to be real. I just wanted to go back to where we used to be but we'd already crossed the line.

You had crossed the line and I had followed. Now you didn't want to go further past the line like I did. You wanted to go back, way back before I was even in the picture of your life, where I was merely a speck on the beautiful painting of the past.

"But it was a mistake."

"A mistake," I laughed, my eyes stinging with the tears which were ready to surface. My hollow laugh grew into a cackle as my eyes glassed over. "Of all things you could say to me right now you pick that clichè line. God, I hate that line."

You watched me, unsure of what to say. I probably looked like a maniac, with my eyes ablaze and my fingers itching to grab you by the collar and perhaps knock some sense into you. I paced the length of the hallway, my strides fast and furious as my mind whizzed. I could not understand why you said the words you said. How was last night a mistake? It was passionate... It was a euphoria I had never felt before. How did you not feel what I felt? You weren't just some ordinary lover. You were my everything.

But to you it was all some big fucked up mistake.

"God!" I exclaimed, my eyes burning with a great ferocity but I denied my tears their freedom. I would not cry in front of you. It would only make me look more weak than I already was and I didn't want to give you more reason to push me away. You didn't like weak girls—I couldn't be a weakling.

I fisted my hands in my hair and bared my teeth, trying to keep my scream locked in. "You're pathetic, you know that?" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air.

"I'm pathetic?" you scoffed, raising one eyebrow and looking at me with humour. "Have a look at yourself, Kareena."

There was that bloody name again. Something about the way you returned my insult right back to my face made me halt. It made me look at you and perhaps there was something in my broken expression that actually spoke to you because you faltered, lowering your head in an almost ashamed-like manner.

"Look, Curry," you said, digging your hands into your pockets before your eyes met mine again. I saw the tentativeness, the unease in which this predicament left you with. You'd never felt uneasy before with me and the fact that you were holding back now made something within my gut twist. That knife you placed there yesterday when you called me by another woman's name dug deeper.

"It was a mistake. I thought it was a one time thing. I was so hung up over Cheryl and I wasn't in the right mind. I didn't think..." 

Fucking Cheryl. 

"Well, you should have!" I fired, my eyes burning. I could no longer keep the tears at bay and I just wanted you to leave. I didn't want you to bear witness to my weakness, how utterly obsessed and in love I was with you and how you dismissing me to the side completely gutted me.

"I'm sorry," you said, taking one step forward. You were looking to console me but I could see it in the hesitance that you knew not how to. Perhaps you thought I'd misunderstand your kindness like I misunderstood us sleeping together.

"You're sorry?" I echoed, wrapping my arms around me. I swallowed hard. I was certain you could see the tears that swam in my eyes for my vision of you began to grow blurry. "When are you going to start saying things and doing things that you actually mean, Bradley?"

Your eyes held mine. I couldn't see you clearly through my tears but I could still make you out. You had your hand on the handle, you looked conflicted. In fact, you looked as if being here was torture. Being here was the last place you wanted to be. 

Maybe you wished to be back in Cheryl's bed since mine held no allure.

Like the coward you were, you pushed down on the handle and opened the door. You threw me a backward glance and I held my chin up, trying my best to keep my composure and show you just how strong I was.

And then you walked out and something very fragile in my world broke.

I loved you with all of my broken little heart. You'd always had the ability to hurt me. But I didn't think you actually would.

The second the door clicked shut behind you it was like all the air left my lungs and I forgot what it was like to breathe. My body gave way, the inner turmoil slicing through me like an unforgiving blade.

You were my everything, Bradley.

What was I without you? 

《 ▪ ▪ ▪ 》 

a/n:  first off, i'm so sorry for such a late update. i made the chapter longer than the usual length but that probably doesn't make up for the lack of updates so i'm going to try and get another chapter up this weekend. 

secondly, the last couple of weeks have been emotionally taxing and i've had so many things going on that i barely had time to write. i'm still on a hiatus (of sorts) so updates will take time. also fingertips is my side project and not my main focus thus updates are bound to be sporadic. i hope you lovelies understand.

and thirdly, don't forget to drop your thoughts in the comments and vote if you enjoyed the chapter!

until next time (which hopefully is this weekend), xo.