I stared at Erik, the memory of Serena's sobs filling my ears as if she had just said those words to me.

He's never forgiven me for what happened. He holds me responsible for losing our baby.

"What do you mean, what baby?" I asked. "The baby you and Serena lost in Cabo - the reason why she tried to kill herself there. She said that you never forgave her for losing the baby. She said it's the reason why you broke up with her."

I had spoken so fast that my words spilled out of me in a panicked mess, a mess that I hoped Erik understood. My heart was pounding inside my chest, my pulse thundering between my temples. Even my arm throbbed in pain as I spoke, but I ignored the pain then, wanting only to know the truth, no matter how awful.

Erik was quiet for a few minutes, his eyes growing distant as if he was trying to remember the time I was referring to. Of course he had to remember Cabo, I thought. Three years may seem like a long time to many with moments easily forgotten, but certainly not when it involved someone trying to end their life because of you - not when that person kept reminding you of it.

"And you believe her?" Erik asked, frustration evident in his voice.

"You've never talked about Cabo at all," I said. "And when I finally hear about it, first from Olivia who tells me that she only learned about it two days ago from you, and then from Serena, who tells me that you dumped her after she lost your baby - what am I supposed to do? You could have told me about it sooner instead of stalling about it all this time."

"Me? Stalling?" Erik's jaw tightened. "Maybe the word trust is just too difficult for you to handle right now, Sam, but what if I were to tell you that the only reason you never heard about Cabo is because it didn't happen that way? That there was no baby involved? No pregnancy or anything close to it, as far as I know? Who would you believe then?"

I paused, mulling over his words.  "I just want to know what happened - from you."

"I don't know what Serena told you, but I swear to you - I swear - I know nothing about a baby. And if she ever did miscarry during that trip, the last thing I would have done was to break up with her because of that."

"Why did you break up with her?"

Erik was silent for a few moments, as if choosing his words carefully. I wondered if I'd just ventured into a place that I had no business being in. After all, it wasn't like I was open with my past to Erik at all.

"Have you ever had that feeling that you're never going to make that person happy, no matter how hard you try to fit yourself into the mold they've already carved out for you?" Erik asked.

I swallowed nervously, knowing all too well that he had just described my relationship with David, asking the same question I had asked myself when nothing I did made him happy.

"After almost five years with Serena, after all the things we'd been through, she still couldn't accept me for who I was. It was always the same old shit, different day. As long as I chose to treat drug addicts, prostitutes or the poor, she believed that I was never going to achieve my fullest potential as a doctor. Even worse, as a man, in her eyes. How could I love someone who couldn't even see me as a man worthy of her approval just because I didn't want to join her in her practice? Just because I didn't care about making seven - eight - figures a year?"

He was shaking his head as he spoke, looking straight ahead at the toolbox that was pushed against the back wall of his garage, right next to the washer and dryer.

"It's true we went to Cabo.  It's one of the places we loved to go because it was close enough without being too far.  And even though things weren't working out for us, the last thing I wanted to do in the middle of a vacation was break up with her," Erik continued.  "But after another argument over the same old thing - about why I refused to give up my little cash-only practice and join her so together we could have the most successful cosmetic surgery practice in Beverly Hills - I couldn't take it anymore.  After I told her we were over, I tried to get us out of Cabo. After all, there was no reason for us to stay any longer, not when we'd broken up. There was also a hurricane heading our way."

"A hurricane?"

"Yes, it's usually no big deal but this was a big one, and I wanted us out of there.  There were two seats available on the flight back to L.A., and I reserved it for both of us.  But when the shuttle came to bring us to the airport, she disappeared. By the time I found her, walking down the beach by herself, we had lost our chance to get on that plane. The hurricane hit, and we did whatever we told to do by the hotel staff - or at least I did. When the hurricane was over, Serena returned to our room while I volunteered to help with the clean up. There were a few of the tourists who stayed, some getting there just before the hurricane so they could ride the big waves and some, for fishing-"

He took a deep breath, shutting his eyes for a moment before continuing.

"When I found her, she was unconscious in the bathtub. She'd managed to slice both her wrists, though not as deep as to cause extensive damage. She lost a lot of blood, and I had to rush her to the nearest hospital that was in complete chaos because electricity hadn't returned yet and the roads to get there were almost impassable."

"I don't know why I did it, but I promised her then that I would never leave her, that I'd always be there for her - even if we weren't going to be together." He paused, exhaling.  "Not that whatever I said would have mattered, Sam. I didn't know what else to say. I'd seen my parents die - at least one of them in front of me - and before that, I held Chelsea long after she took that last breath. The last thing I wanted was one more death of someone I...I cared for."

I shook my head, reaching out to touch his hand but he drew it away. Everything about Erik was now tight, coiled.  He was deep in thought as if remembering every detail of that trip, his jaw clenched.

"Serena stayed in that hospital for over a week - and not one day did I ever leave her by herself. I was there for her the entire time - I lived in that damn hospital. We had to lie and say that she was Olivia, my sister - just in case they'd send over her patient chart to the States, and the incident could jeopardize her career.  It was easy enough to say she'd lost her passport, and we were waiting for a replacement from the embassy.  I took care of the total cost of her treatment in cash," Erik said. "But if she had been pregnant and miscarried, they would have told me at the hospital. At least, do a D&C - dilation and curettage...something! I mean, I'm a doctor, for crying out loud! How the hell would I miss something like that?"

"I'm sorry, Erik-"

"But if she did lose the baby before the storm hit or before I broke up with her, then I had no idea at all," he said, sighing. "I'm not saying it's not possible that Serena did have a miscarriage, Sam, or that she's lying. What I am saying is that if she did, I never knew. Neither would I ever have broken up with her then because of it. At least not then."

I reached for Erik's hand and this time, he didn't stop me.

"Do you still care her?  Do you still love her?"

"Whatever I feel for Serena has guilt written all over it - guilt and pity," he replied. "For the last three years, I've allowed myself to be held hostage by the guilt of knowing that I've caused her so much pain - all because I had, to be honest with myself and let her go. She's a diagnosed manic depressive, with really intense highs and lows, Sam, and I thought that if I just kept on going with my life, working morning till night, coming home late and hoping she wasn't waiting for me on my balcony, she'd get the hint and move on. But it wasn't until Sebastian died when even my own relationship was my twin sister was too much for her that I realized I couldn't deal with it anymore. I had to stop enabling her by maintaining a relationship that wasn't real if only to appease her and prevent her from going off on the deep end. I could no longer be responsible for her."

"Yet in some ways, you still are.  She still thinks you're hers."

"I can't keep doing this anymore with Serena. I can't be held responsible for her selfish decision to end her own life just because she can't get what she wants. And not only that.  But when that didn't work out - her getting me back - she tried to destroy your life.  Sam, you could have been killed." 

We sat in silence for a few minutes, not speaking, his thumb gently stroking the back of my hand. "I don't know who you want to believe, Sam. I'm not going to say anything else about Serena just to make you change your mind."

"It's just that we never talked about this at all."

"I never meant to keep things from you, Sam, and I never have. Even though Cabo seemed like some secret I've kept from you all this time, it never was a secret.  To me, it was when we broke up, and she responded by trying to kill herself.  And though there was no baby, as far as I know, there was enough guilt for me to carry all these years, knowing that my decision to end our relationship caused her that much pain," he said. "I wasn't holding anything back from you. I just wanted to work on us first before I could introduce that part of my past."

I stared at him, realizing that it was the same thing I was doing with my past. Though I'd jokingly told him a little bit about my past life that included a stint in juvie, that had been the only time.  

"I know that now," I whispered.

Erik squeezed my hand. "Then if you really do know that, then maybe now you can tell me why you have a titanium plate in your wrist. And how come, when you came in with David a year and a half ago to the ER, your behavior warranted a visit from Social Services because they suspected that he was abusing you at home?"

"You read my chart?" I asked, pulling back my hand from Erik's grasp.

"I assisted in your surgery, Sam. Of course I read your chart. But I didn't even have to," Erik said. "Just before you went under, Doctor Samuels said something about your titanium plate, and you said - and I quote, David broke my hand so I couldn't paint anymore."

"Wait! I don't remember saying that," I whispered, my voice suddenly hoarse.

"Well, people say the weirdest things just before they go under, and usually, it's the truth," Erik said. "Sam, no matter what happens between us, I'll never lay a hand on you. I'd beat the shit out of anyone who dares to do that, even David. And he knows, Sam. David knows that I know what he did to you. God, even my best friend knows what he did to you. But that's never going to happen again. Not if I can help it."

I wasn't aware I was crying till the tears spilled down my face and Erik wiped them from my cheeks. He pulled me gently into his arms in a deep embrace, whispering my name as he held me, careful not to touch my right arm. After a few minutes, thinking I'd had enough time to collect myself, I pulled away, embarrassed. Still, I'd never felt so safe in my life till then, feeling Erik's fingers stroke my hair, pushing the wet strands from my face and tucking them behind my ears.

"We best get inside before we steam up the windows," Erik whispered as he reached for the door handle.

"I love you," I whispered, and my words made him pause as he stared at me, a faint smile on his face. "I'm sorry I had to wait so long to say it to you, but I'm slow on the uptake sometimes."

"Then I guess I'll just have to get you up to speed." Erik held my face in his hands, and as he kissed me, I felt myself melt, the butterflies in my stomach going crazy. His fingers moved down to caress the skin behind my neck, making me shiver against him. But something still nagged at me, and I pulled away.

"What's going to happen to Serena?"

"My lawyer will charge her with breaking and entering. It's up to you to decide whether to file assault charges or not, although, at this point, you may not have a choice if the DA decides to charge her with assault," Erik replied. "And I want nothing to do with her from here on. I don't even want to hear her name spoken at all. Ever."

"One more thing - and I won't mention her name again to you, Erik. Serena cut up all the canvasses in the studio," I said. "Did she get to my painting?"

Erik didn't answer right away, his expression unreadable as he glanced at the door leading into the house. "Why don't we go inside the house? We can talk more there."

"But Strands," I exclaimed. "You loved that painting." It was also the only painting I had left that survived David's rage.

Erik didn't say anything as he got out of the car before walking around to my side and opening the door and helping me get out.  My injured arm still felt heavy and a deep pain gnawed from within, but for now it was bearable. The painkillers felt like a comfortable cushion arranged just right between myself and the pain.

"Even if she managed to damage that painting, Sam, you're going to paint again. No matter what it takes to get you to that point, you can do it," Erik said as he led me into the house. "But it will require a lot of work on your end, hours of painful therapy and exercises. But I'll be right here to help you through it."

"I'll do what I need to do," I said grimly, my mind still set on seeing the painting, hoping it was intact.

"I know you will," Erik said softly, taking my hand as he guided me into the house.

It was dark and the only light that was on was in the living room at the end of the hallway. I wondered why he didn't turn on the lights as we walked towards the living room, his grip on my good hand tightening as we walked past the door leading to the studio. I was grateful that the door remained shut, for I didn't know what I'd have done if I had to enter it right then.

Still, there was the painting that he loved, Strands. What if Serena had gotten to it before she went into the studio and destroyed the canvasses there?

"Erik, if you're only going to show me the painting all cut up, then I don't want to see it," I said, stopping just before we reached the living room and letting go of his hand.

"There are actually other things more important than that painting right now, Sam," he said, holding out his hand towards me. "Take my hand."

Reluctantly, I reached for his hand and he pulled me next to him. "Now close your eyes," he whispered and I did as he told me, surprising myself that I didn't even think twice in doing as I was told. Shouldn't I be asking why and what for?

As Erik led me into the living room, I felt the presence of other people before I heard them, their relief and excitement too much to be contained in secrecy.

"Welcome home, Sam," Erik whispered in my ear.

Without waiting for Erik to tell me what to do next, I opened my eyes and saw everyone there. Olivia, Bella and Josh, the Italian in-laws with their arms already outstretched when they saw me, and even my mother, with Michael in her arms.

How Erik had managed to strong-arm David into relinquishing Michael on a Saturday night was beyond me, and I did not want to burn any more brain cells trying to figure it out. What I did realize then was that while I was in the recovery room wondering where he was, Erik had been busy getting everything together, even soliciting Marina's help to get me ready for this moment.

And what a moment it was, as I managed to cry even more - though this time, they were happy tears.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Just a quick look at a walk street in Manhattan Beach :)