(Justin pictured above)

Fleur POV

Ever since Jasmine pointed out Justin and the way he looks at me lately, I haven't felt at ease around him. I'm not sure if it's true or paranoia taking over, but I do notice his glances linger on me a few seconds longer than anyone else. I really hope it's me going crazy. I can't have him liking me in a different way. It would throw things off balance and I don't think I can handle any more changes.

The last real week of school before graduation week was spent with me trying to research more on my newfound family. My friends wanted to help, but it felt too personal. I feel I need to figure this out on my own. It's already kind of stressing me out that Justin is going with me. I know he wants to go to be someone to lean on, and I'm grateful. At the same time, I'm a little bit upset that I can't handle things on my own. On paper I'm an adult, but in reality I'm still wet behind the ears.

I'm what you would call sheltered.

Even though finals were complete, we were still required to attend school to participate in senior events that ranged from a day of fun and games to picnics and awards from different faculty members. As much as I wanted to enjoy everything going on, my mind kept wanting to be home so I could gather more information. 

On Thursday evening, the night before graduation, I made my biggest discovery. 

I was browsing through more of Katie's Facebook timeline when suddenly she added a new post. It was another sort of celebration at the club she worked at and in the picture were a handful of people. Most weren't recognizable, but on the far right of the picture, with a beer in his hand was a man. Not just any man, but the same one in the Polaroid I now have taped to the side of my computer monitor. I was looking at my real father. 

Unable to keep my nerves together, I leaned in closer to my monitor to observe more. His hair had some grays in it. Not too many, but enough to know he was a weathered man. His smile was bright. He had eyes that shined when he smiled and I could see that same shade of green piercing through the slits. He looked so happy. Like someone who doesn't have secrets or burdens. That thought alone sent my mood down the drain again. Why should I end their happiness. Clearly I'm not missed. Then again, why should I be the only one who is in pain? 

No matter how conflicted I am, I know I need to see them even if it's just for closure.

After staring at my biological father I glanced down to the description of the post to only be left more conflicted. 

"Celebrating 15 years of love with Ghost and his queen." I wonder who 'Ghost' and his queen are. my curiosity took me to the few comments that were left. 

"Congrats, Denise! You guys are the sexiest couple no matter how old you get!"

"Oh wow, surprised you've been able to deal with Ghost that long, Nise! Here's to many more years!"

"I am so thankful to have this sexy man all to myself. 15 years and counting! Love you, baby!"

The last comment piqued my curiosity because the name on it was from a 'Denise LeDoux'. She must be the lady, but who is the man - I thought to myself. That was until I hovered over the picture and saw the tag appear. It was Denise and her name popped up on the lady sitting right next to my supposed 'real father'. She was looking right at him, with what I'm guessing is love in her eyes. My mind then made the connection...she's married to him! 

What the fuck?!

My mind and heart were racing one another. They're married. They have been for 15 years already. Where does that leave my real mother then? I couldn't handle any more new information. I don't know why the thought of those two not being together anymore made my heart clench. It's not like I knew them or their lives...I just thought I could feel the love from this old picture I had in my possession. Is this why I was given away? Because they split up? My anxiety was catching up to me thanks to my head and heart and it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I couldn't understand these feelings, so I decided it would be best to try to get out and clear my head. With that thought I got up and set out to wherever my feet would take me. 

~~~~

After trying to reach out to Jazz and not getting a hold of her, I found myself in front of Justin's home. I text him to see if he was busy, and to my surprise he responded immediately that he was free. I know I was feeling weird about him now, but in my current state I just want a friend to be near me and with Jazz unreachable, he was my next option. I'm know it's stupid, but I'm hoping if I ignore any weirdness we can just continue to be close friends.

After greeting Justin's mom and catching up with her, I make my way to his room. Having been here plenty of times I don't even bother knocking before I barge through the door. The sight before me had me choking on my breath. There Justin, my very good friend, was laying on his bed in only his boxers.

I've seen him without a shirt before after camping and swimming with him and the others a few times, but this time feels much more different. I want to say it feels intimate, but I also don't want to say that because he's my friend. He's nothing more and he can't be. This is my new mantra that I have to keep telling myself in my head.

There's no denying that Justin is above average in looks and size. He's played football since middle school and is considered to be one of the best in our class. I still never thought to think of him that way, never liking the idea of someone being put on a pedestal. I couldn't help the heat in my chest from rising up to my neck and cheeks. Being the pale creature I am, I'm sure he noticed it too.

I tried my best to quickly cover up any sort of discomfort I was feeling. And what better way than to joke about it? "God, Justin. Put on some clothes! No one needs to see that!" I said while trying to keep all of my nerves from spilling out into my tone. All he could do was chuckle and toss a pillow at me.

"Okay, I'll act like I didn't see you appreciating the view if that's what you want," he said in a playfully cocky manner.

Fuck my life, I need to find a poker face. 

Trying to keep calm and not have an anxiety attack, I let out a chuckle and roll my eyes. I think it is a solid idea to not say anything because I think we all know that would turn into a disaster. I'm not sure I made the right decision coming to see him. My naivety is becoming more and more apparent. Fortunately, he grabs some sweats and a hoodie from the floor by his bed.

After a moment of silence, I throw the pillow back at him and turn to sit at his desk chair, fully aware he's watching me like a hawk. I have my mantra on repeat to help me get by. As i sit down I let out a long sigh and throw my head back. Anything to avoid his gaze. To be honest, I'm incredibly worried. I'm worried Jazz was right and he likes me more than a friend. I'm worried I might not share those same feelings, I haven't really had the time to sit down and figure that part out. Most of all, I'm afraid that I could lose someone close to me. I hardly have anyone in my life. Losing Justin would create a pretty big hole in my heart and I don't know how I'd handle that. 

Like I said, I'm a sheltered kid. I don't know how to handle most of my emotions. 

"So...what's up? You seem to have a lot on your mind, Flo. Tell me what's wrong?" Justin says. I can hear the slight panic in his voice, letting me know he's genuinely worried. Not going to lie, that makes my heart flutter. It still doesn't help with my feelings, but that's because I've never had many crushes growing up. Maybe a celebrity here or there, but other than that I think I've been too busy trying to hide from people to look  ogle them. 

After a deep breath, I decide to spill. I tell him of my attempted sleuthing and what I've uncovered. I was trying to keep a lot of personal information to myself, but now that I'm letting it out, it's kind of relieving. I guess it's also good that I visited him, so we can start planning out our trip to Colorado and whatnot. 

We spend a couple hours just planning and discussing more of my findings. I made sure to keep some space between us so we could focus on the task at hand. Our goal is to head out on Monday and take our time driving to Colorado to make it feel like a road trip more than a reunion. The more plans we set, the more my nerves start to take over. We're really going to do this. A couple weeks ago my plans were recreational and carefree, and now I'm planning on meeting people that gave me life. I'm still going back and forth between excitement and worry, but the majority is on worried. What if they're pissed that I found them? What if I barge in and ruin the happy little bubble they were living in?

Fuck that. I was living in a nice little bubble too, till I learned the truth. 

It's getting late and I need to get home and lay out my graduation outfit and make sure my gown is wrinkle free, so I let Justin know I need to head out. He walks me to the front door and before I can open the door he turns me around and grabs me into a bear hug. He has really big arms. They're like a cocoon, keeping me safe and secure. 

OH GOD, NO! STOP THINKING THAT! 

After a few more seconds I start to back away to let him know the hug session has ended and give a small wave and head out. Why does it have to be so weird, and why now. I think we're going to have to have a long and difficult conversation before we leave. If we do leave, for that matter. In the end it could be me going by myself even though I really don't want that.

Once I get into my car I release the breath I was unconsciously holding. I really am terrible at handling all these new emotions. How am I going to handle being on my own when I start college in the fall?

~~~~~

Graduation day came and passed much quicker than I thought. My mind was everywhere else but in the present. All I could think about was that in a few days I'd be heading to Colorado to figure out what happened when is as born. Why was I taken out of the equation for them? The longer I've had to think, the more angry I am about it. I deserve to know. It's the least they could do and once I know why I can be on my way and live my life while they live theirs. That's how it should work, right?

Jazz, Brandon, Justin, and myself planned on spending Saturday together before Justin and I head out. I still haven't had that one on one with Justin even though I know it needs to be done. With that thought, I decided to text Justin and ask if we could meet up for brunch before we meet the others.

~~~~~

So here I am, awake at an ungodly hour, especially for a Saturday. I sit in a corner booth at Moore's diner, a place we frequent quite a bit and watch as Justin makes his way towards me. I told him we need to finalize some plans, which is slightly true, but the bigger part is clearing the air.

"Hey Flo," he says as he slides into the seat across from me. He instantly grabs the coffee I already ordered for him and picks up the menu. I don't know why though. He's just going to order the same thing he always does. Deluxe breakfast place with extra bacon.

Not that I pay much attention or anything...

Here it goes. Now or never. "Hey Justin," I say cautiously. God, my nerves are really going to be the death of me. "I know we have a couple things to figure out before Monday..." I get out with ease and after a pause and a deep breath I continue, "but there is something I'd like to clear up before we leave." Okay, half way done. I look up to meet his face and am met with a confused looking Justin.

"Uh... - Justin clears his throat - yeah, what's up? Everything okay?" He asks with concern.

Ugh, maybe I should just continue to ignore it all. Live the life of ignorance, I've heard it's bliss. But I can't...or at least I shouldn't. If I can't do this then I'll never be able to do anything for myself, ever.

"I just want to know if you're okay?" I say as more of a question. I really don't know how to approach so I'm hoping he gives me something in his response.

"I'm alright." he says then gives an awkward chuckle. "I just graduated and am about to go on a road trip with my favorite person. Of course I'm okay."

Well, shit. There we go.

"I'm your favorite person?" I ask trying to hide the blush and the girliness in my voice. How the hell did that stupid statement turn me into some silly, little girl? "Why am I your favorite out of everyone?" I'm fidgeting and nervous and trying my hardest not to break into a sweat. Life is hard.

He chuckles again. Damnit, he has a pretty cute chuckle. I've seen him laugh plenty of times, why the hell am I saying it's cute now. Stop it, Flo. Repeat the mantra.

"Of course you are. You're the only person I can truly stand, or want to stand for that matter." Justin says. His tone is now lower and intimate. Why why why? This is the worst timing in the history of timed things, ever.

I know I'm being dramatic, but try living such a dull life, then these things get thrown at you.

"Justin, what are you trying to say?" I manage to muster. As much as I am internally freaking out, I just want to get a straight answer so I can add that to the pile of emotions I'm still trying to work out in my head.

He sighs and runs his hand through his hair in frustration. Maybe he's having a hard time managing his emotions as well. Sometimes I forget other people are having internal battles as well. With that thought I feel guilty and a little selfish. Maybe he doesn't want to feel this way about me.

"I know you're bad at observing your surroundings and I find it endearring, but I think you know what I'm trying to say, Flo." he says with exhaustion in his voice. It's like he's held his feelings in and they have been eating at him. I know I don't want him to like me, but now I'm worried that he's struggled with liking me to the point that it's physically hurting him go hold in.

Okay, I officially want to go back to being a kid when simplicity was key.

I think he senses the internal battle because he quickly gets the rest out. "I don't want to make things weird between us. More than anything you're my best friend and I don't want to lose that. I was thinking maybe this road trip could help us in figuring out if it could be something more. If it doesn't, I still need you as a friend. I can't lose you, Fleur." I don't even know how to react to his admission. It's like I knew it was there, but didn't at the same time. But now it's out there. I guess it's good that he doesn't want to push too much or lose me as a friend. That relieves me a little, but at the same time my feelings are all over the place now.

Do I look at him as more than a friend or do I avoid the risk altogether? There's one way I'm feeling more than the other so I give my reply and hope that is enough to settle everything and let us move forward and prepare for the trip.

"Okay," I say and see him look back up to me with hope in his eyes. "Let's see where this can go."

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Two full chapters done! Thank you for reading ❤️

Also, the main character Fleur, is 18...she's still young and going through a lot of changes. Her reactions and thoughts aren't all going to be perfect and she will make mistakes. She's learning.