On Friday Matt still isn't back at wrestling but he decides to stay for practice anyways. I kinda think he is doing it just to annoy Asher but he won't admit to it. I don't push because honestly I can't stand Asher any more than Matt can. It has been a weird week; in theory you would think I would spend more time with Matt since he has no practice but I actually saw him even less. I am not sure what is going on but I almost feel like he is hiding from everyone. Blake and Lance both came up to me on Wednesday and asked if I knew what was up but I am just as confused as they are. Walking into 9th period I decide I have to get answers, whatever means necessary.

"Hey!" I yell in his ear while he talks to Tori.

"God, you're fucking annoying Barbie," he bitches while holding his ear. Tori's perfect smile falters for a second when I pull Matt's attention from her but she quickly recovers and pulls it back to her.

"Anyways Matt, my brother said you should totally come over tonight and talk wrestling! He isn't going to be home for long, Iowa keeps them on a pretty tight wrestling schedule." I try not to roll my eyes at her pathetic attempt to get Matt over her house. Girls have really upped their game this week when word got out Tuesday of Matt's official offer from Iowa. I was so excited for him but when I said we should celebrate he kinda just blew me off.

I am just about to interrupt again and save Matt when he answers Tori, "That would be great, can I come right after practice?" Tori gives me a smug look as I try to keep a neutral face. Friday nights have been mine and Matt's for weeks. In all honesty I can't remember a Friday night we didn't spend together since the baby project in October, and it is now the first weekend of December.

"Perfect, what is your number so I can text you the address?" Tori hands Matt her phone and he puts his name in, even adding an emoji, before saving it. I text Lily because if anyone knows the tea she does.

"Hey Lil"

"Hey bb, what's the move tonight with daddy?"

"One, please stop calling him daddy, I will kms. Two, he is hanging out with Tori whose brother wrestles for Iowa."

"Ahhh Eli is home, he was on the wrestling team when Matt got pulled up in 8th grade and is a Junior at Iowa now. I figured he was going to go hang out with Eli to talk about Iowa."

"Yeah, anyways I have class, talk after?"

"Def Syd ily"

"Love u lil"

I slide my phone back into my pocket and turn to the front of the class. Mrs. Wright is bouncing around all excited and usually that would get me excited but today I am in no mood. I know Matt isn't going over to hang out with Tori specifically but they have been talking all week more and more and now she is stealing my night with him? Fuck her and her probably really talented older brother.

"Class, today we are cooking! We will be cooking till the end of the semester in two weeks so I hope you're all ready to eat! Anyways, if you could all move to your stations and begin the recipe we learned yesterday, I will walk around the room helping if you need it." I get up and walk over to our kitchen in the back corner. I read over the recipe for pancakes and begin grabbing everything that is needed.

Matt smiles as I begin, subtly putting his hand on the small of my back. "Remember when we made pancakes?"

"Mhm," I answer before moving away from him. Matt swallows uneasily as I give him the cold shoulder, he looks around the room at the other groups laughing and enjoying themselves.

"Babe? Everything ok?" I continue to ignore him while I aggressively mix the batter for the pancakes. Matt grabs the pan and begins to heat it up, still watching me waiting for an answer. "Alright, clearly not. Is this about tomorrow? If you wanted to fight I never said you had to say no, I just said I wouldn't go."

"Actually," I correct in a sharp tone, "you said not only would you not go but you'd never train me again. But no Matt, I don't fucking care about that." Matt nods and quietly works, careful not to touch me. I am thankful for the space because as I expected Matt lost interest.

I mean I am not sure why I am so upset over it, the signs have been everywhere all week. He hasn't asked me to hang out once, he has blown off all my attempts to make plans, and he has started talking to Tori all the time instead of me. I mean it was clear as day what was happening but I guess it was just easier to ignore it at first. My chest hurts and my heart is racing the entire period but I try to ignore it.

As soon as Mrs. Wright has tried our pancakes I slip off to Julia's station to talk with her and Amanda, while Matt walks right over to Tori and helps her since her partner and her are seriously struggling. What kinda fucking morons can't make pancakes though? Like seriously, it is one of the easiest things ever to make. Julia scoffs as she follows my gaze, "Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish."

"Thank you, Blair Waldorf," I reply sarcastically as I roll my eyes. I appreciate her attempt to make me feel better but right now I feel kind of empty.

"Maybe if you turned the flirt on a little he would know he isn't just wasting his time. I mean come on Syd, you treat him like you treat me, no surprise he is finally giving up." I give her a weak nod as Amanda gives my hand a squeeze under the counter. What happens when I have already turned on the flirt and he still runs off to other girls? What does that mean J?

After class we all walk to our lockers like normal. Matt walks with Tori instead of me for the second time this week. Tyler puts his arm over my shoulder and tries to keep me from looking at them walking and talking. "He is using her, don't let it upset you," Tyler whispers leaning his head against mine.

I sigh and manage to sneak another look, "But what if he isn't Ty?"

"Well then he is a fool who will live to rue the day he lost the amazing Sydney Rider." I laugh and wiggle away from Tyler who is dramatically repeating the word rue in the middle of the halls. When I open my locker I realize I still have Matt's wrestling sweater from this morning. I was cold in Physics so I borrowed it but took it off later when I no longer was cold. I decide to just go throw it in his locker real quick while he isn't there.

I tell my friends to wait for me to leave before hurrying down the hall to Matt's locker. I quickly put the combination in and open it, throwing the sweater back in. Just as I am about to close it Asher comes behind me and grabs the sweater. "Wow, what are you doing here all by your lonesome, doll?"

I grab the sweater and throw it into his locker before slamming it shut loudly, "Please fuck off Asher, I am not in the mood." Asher chuckles and puts his arm over my shoulder walking with me toward my friends. I try to wiggle away but his arm is heavy and unless I want to cause a huge scene I am trapped. Now would be a really good time for Matt to stop flirting and come control his team.

"Aww is it because Matty boy has a new toy? Did you think you were special? Let me guess, you finally gave it up for his birthday and now he is bored with you. You know how we could get him back? You should kiss me." I gag at just the idea of it and stop in front of my friends who are all looking between Asher and I.

"I would rather die than kiss you Asher, now fuck off."

Asher laughs still finding all this funny. I am now frantically looking for Matt before Tyler and Kyle decide to jump in and get hurt. Asher is big and knows how to fight, even two against one it would be too easy for Asher. "Come on, I swear I am a good time babe, and according to Chris so are you."

Something in me snaps suddenly. I don't know if it was the 'babe', the mention of Chris, or just everything finally coming together, including Tori flaunting her older brother around to win over Matt while I can't even talk to him about mine. Granted Matt not knowing anything about Aaron is my own fault but it doesn't hurt any less. I take my elbow and jab it into Asher's side as hard as I can. He yelps and I use his pain to wrap my right leg around his left and pull forward causing him to fall back.

While he lays on the floor stunned I put my foot on his chest to hold him down on the floor. "I said fuck off, maybe this time you will get the hint." I take my foot off his chest and storm down the hall but not toward the exit, I am not done yet. I storm into Coach Snyder's room and he looks up at me confused. Matt is sitting on the table in front of his desk like he normally does and he jumps up the second I walk in. I completely ignore him and walk over to coach who is now standing trying to figure out why I am standing in front of him. "Clearly Asher has listening problems so I am gonna tell you if he ever comes near me again, laying him out in the middle of the hallway will be the least of his issues."

"Wait what?" Matt interrupts, turning me to face him.

"Was I talking to you? No. Go find your little BFF Tori, Matt." I whip back around to coach to continue, "Anyways, handle him because if you don't I am going to make him cry."

Coach still looks stunned, only knowing me previously as the shy girl Matt hangs out with. I am sick and tired of people only seeing me as an extension of Matt. I can fight my own battles without him having to come in and save the day like some fucking hero. "Yes I'll- he'll- it will be handled."

Blake, Lance, Kaden, and Nash all burst into the room shouting over each other, the second they see me they immediately shut up. "Coach, you better be recruiting her for our team because she is a badass!" Lance exclaims looking at me in awe. Matt is still looking around confused while coach just slowly nods.

"No seriously, she took Asher down coach it was epic! He was all like I am a good time and she was like boom on the floor bitch!" Kaden is explaining the entire thing while the other three excitedly shake their heads. Coach is looking at me impressed but Matt's face is unreadable, I am not sure if he is proud or mad or what.

"Sydney come over for guys' night tonight!" Blake yells, feeding off of the excitement of his friends.

"Yeah, it will be sick," Nash chimes in.

Lance picks up on Matt's silence and tries to include him, "Matt are you coming tonight?"

"Yes." I look at him in complete shock, as does Blake who also knew about the Tori plans. He had texted me earlier assuming Matt and I would be together like every Friday night so I let him know he had plans, which weren't with me.

"I love team bonding but save it for tonight. Anyone who is practicing please get changed now. I am going to go handle the Asher issue and pull up someone from Junior Varsity who can take his spot." The guys and coach all leave and I attempt to follow not wanting to be alone with Matt.

Before I can leave he steps in front of me, grabbing my elbow so I can't escape. "Why'd you lie to the guys, don't you have your little date tonight?" I spit while trying to rip my elbow from his grip.

"I am not letting you hang out alone with those guys Sydney, Tori will understand."

"Interesting Tori will understand when you were there to talk to Eli, her brother." Matt realizes his mistake and panics which gives me the chance to pull from his grip and push past him. Sadly he is quick and his shoulder, thanks to 4 days of rest, is feeling fine.

Matt grabs me and spins me around so I am facing him again before crashing his lips to mine. I try to push him away but his arms snake around my waist and hold me against him. "Fuck Sydney, just kiss me," he begs. My heart is racing in my chest and I cave. I know it is stupid but I can't help it, if this is it then I need one last time to remember him by.

I kiss him back trying to commit to memory exactly how he tastes. How his lips feel. How they move against mine. We had a good run but he clearly has something for Tori now. He will always be my best friend but God is letting this go going to be so hard. I pull away and detach myself from Matt. "Don't cancel on Tori, canceling isn't a good way to start a relationship," I tease trying to pretend I am cool with this.

"What?"

"I said don-"

"I heard what you said asshole but why would it matter? I mean sure her brother could potentially be my teammate but what relationship would I be starting? I know Eli already, I just haven't really seen him since he graduated."

I fidget and look at him like it's obvious, "The one with Tori?"

"With who!?" he yells looking at me like I am insane. "Baby, why the fuck would you think that? I literally just had you talk to scouts with me on Sunday, why days later would you think I wanted to start a relationship with Tori?"

"You've been ignoring me all week and you walk her to her locker and help her in class and you guys have been talking more and more, what was I supposed to think? I figured you were bored."

Matt shakes his head and pulls me to him, crushing me against his chest. "Babe I am not bored with you, not even close. I just. . . we need to talk and I am fucking terrified. I have been avoiding you all week because I am scared. If you hate me after this I don't know what I will do. I have been avoiding you because I don't want this to end."

"Talk about what?" I am nervous now, I thought he said that there was nothing worse than what I already knew.

"My past. I know you know bits and pieces but I need you to know it all and let you make a decision from there."

I look at him confused and Matt just sadly kisses my head. "Why would it change? I don't think it will."

"I hope it doesn't but you need to know. I have kissed and fucked more people than anyone else I know and I wish I didn't. If I had known in 8th grade that you were out there I wouldn't have slept with her, but I did and. . . fuck." I hug him as he tries to pull out of my arms. I know I don't know everything yet but I already know I don't care. I know Matt got around, everyone from his parents to my friends to even teachers have made comments about it, but I don't care.

"Hey, Matt look at me." His hazel eyes meet mine and I can't help but smile. "I want to hear it all but I can tell you now, I don't care. Besides I haven't been completely honest and I think it is time I come clean."

"Can we talk now? I just can't keep doing this, I want to get it over with." I grab his hand instead of replying and we walk to his car. I get in the passenger seat and he gets in the driver seat looking at me.

"Beach?" I know he is calm there. Something about it makes him relaxed and right now we both need the peace. I try not to think the entire drive because I know thinking about telling Matt about Aaron will only make me chicken out. Matt drives onto the beach, which usually you need a pass to do but it is off-season and no cops are around. He parks down by the water and hops out. I follow and find him opening the back of the jeep and climbing in. I climb in with him and he shuts the trunk so only the glass window is open. The water is peaceful and I crawl into Matt's lap enjoying it for a moment before everything happens.

"Well here goes nothing,'' Matt sighs as he pulls the blanket in the trunk over me and looks out toward the water. "I lost my virginity in the 8th grade to a 17 year old, I was 14 and trying to prove to the wrestling team that I wasn't some little baby. She was nice but way more experienced than I was and wanted to do things I didn't even know existed. I wasn't ready but I wanted to fit in at this high school party so I slept with her and then after I went back and joined my friends like it was nothing because it was nothing."

I think of little baby Matt in 8th grade stumbling through his first time with some girl who he barely knows, nervous and having no one to comfort him. My first time wasn't perfect but Andre and I were in it together, which was cute and romantic and we both knew the other was nervous which made it somehow ok. My heart breaks for little Matt a little bit because I think deep down he wanted that first time to be special.

"After that I kinda just stuck to middle school parties and making out with girls. It wasn't until a year later in 9th grade when I was at my 15th birthday party that some guys convinced me to take some senior girl upstairs. I didn't really want to but they kept telling me I should do it and she was saying we should do it and I didn't know what to do so I did. After that I got a reputation and every party it was a different girl. I didn't sleep with all of them, sometimes it was just a hookup, but I still never really enjoyed it. It became like a chore, I would get blacked out just to do it because it was never enjoyable. I would count down the seconds in my head until it was over and the reason no one else but you knows about my thigh tattoo is because most of the time I unzipped my pants just enough to get my dick out so I could pull them up again quickly and leave after."

"So you just have sex to have it?" I ask mindlessly playing with his jacket.

"Before you there were at least 50 girls if not more. Every weekend, especially in 10th grade and even worse this past summer, it was a new girl who I either brought upstairs at Tom's, or brought home, or went home with. I have kissed probably close to 150 girls too, which isn't as bad but still makes me cringe. But yeah, I was having it just because I was like well what else do I do? Everyone expected me to and I felt like I didn't really have a reason not to, you know?"

Matt moves us to close the back window so it isn't so cold. I climb on top of him as he lays down in the back and covers us both with the blanket. "Do you wish you could redo it? Your first time?"

"Yeah," he answers softly, rubbing my back.

"Ok." I grab Matt's keys and climb over the seats to the back row opening his backpack. Fuck, no condom, what the fuck Matt!? I play with the idea of not using one but don't say it out loud. I mean, I am on birth control so it wouldn't be the end of the world. Maybe this way would be the first time for him? Ok wait, maybe him not having one works out. I start the car just to put the heat on low so we are comfortable before climbing into the back again.

"What are you doing love?" he asks curiously as I look around to see if any other cars are on the beach. His windows are tinted so no matter what you wouldn't be able to see much, but still better to check.

"Feel free to say no," I start, nervous to actually ask

"No to what?"

"I wanted to give you a redo but you don't have a condom so I was thinking we just wouldn't use one. I am on birth control. I have the little implant in my arm, see," I move the implant in my arm proving to Matt it is there.

"Oh. . . are you sure?"

"Positive," I say firmly, unweaving in my answer. If I show a second of doubt or hesitation Matt will say no and a part of me wants this so bad. It takes a lot of trust between two people to have sex without a condom but I trust Matt and I hope he trusts me.

Matt smiles and rubs his thumb over the little implant I just moved around, "Well then I guess I am getting a redo. Why am I nervous as if we didn't have sex 6 times last weekend. Have you ever. . .?"

"No," I answer a little shy now.

"Well then this is kind of both our first times." Matt is nervous and I can tell as he rubs his neck and looks around like somewhere is written with what to do next. I am nervous too