EIGHTEEN

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Oh, Lord forgive my weary hands,
And for what they may do,
I'll carry out her evil plans,
If she wants me to.

***

The music which was booming loudly was not louder than the blood rushing through my veins, pumping in my ears. Things were getting hazy and so confusing but still I tried my best to snap out of whatever this is. Richtofen was busy gathering supplies to patch Hans up, the poor guy was barely holding together, even through all of this, he smiled weakly at me... I smiled back, my heart fluttering erratically. The wind was chilly and the dampness of our cloths sent shivers, my clothes were equally blotched and putrid, the converse as black as tar. The Russians who gave us this safe haven to live in, were a fresh breath of air after a long time. To see living humans, smiling, laughing people offering us food and what not.

I felt like an Alien. And wanted to disappear and dance at the same time. The moment the inmates laid their eyes on us, whispers filled the room and suddenly the music wasn't the most important thing ever for them.

Hell, the Doc had a half alive man hanging from his self and I definitely looked like witches and swamp monster symbiote. We definitely smelled, the lady beside me tried to hide a gag and I saw it.

I took a sniff from myself and nearly barfed.

We were soon showed our tiny room and the Doc was met by a couple, they seemed a little older than the Doctor himself and wore casual clothes, at this point I'd even envy a clown's getup.

This hideout was definitely of the future and wasn't of a future that was plagued by the undead, it was too comforting actually. The cells frightened me the most but I later learnt that it was safe house for ex criminals, I have no knowledge how the Doctor found this place, AND in this time.

Should I be worried?

Who cares, I just want to sleep and never wake up.

The Doctor, the things he's capable of, was truly out of my mind. Come to think of it, I looked up to him; he seemed rattled but...
Calm...

And experienced...

"Doctor." I crossed my hands over my chest, completely sober and alive. He placed Hans over a plush bed in the quarters, almost hitting his tall frame on the arch of the bed, the small room had two double decker beds on either sides with a window facing outside, from the grilled window, one could easily marvel both fresh air and the city life, dynamic and pulsating. It was a blessing and keeping it open seemed like marvellous idea.

"Is he gonna be fine? Doc?" I asked again, my eyes falling over Hans frail body, his slightly opened eyes never leaving me, it attracted me to scoot over to him and take his clammy hands, Richtofen looked away.

"Hey buddy," I cooed, my voice almost a crackle but trying the best to be soothing and warm, his hands were so cold but a warm and faint boldness was there as he clasped my palms with his best strength, I placed my other hand on his bandages and he clasped my palm tighter. Richtofen sat on the other bed, observing like a hawk.

I slowly drew lazy circles on his bandaged chest and Hans exhaled a pained one. His chest shuddered ever so loosely with every breath and I say sweet nothings to comfort him.

"What are you doing?" Chirped the Doctor, it startled both of us, I looked at Hans who seemed just as surprised,  and then glared at the Doc who had the most strangest of expressions on him, unreadable too. I stared at him coldly,
"No one deserves this." I said and held Han's good hand with both of my hands,

"Let him feel at peace and comfort, the poor guy has been through a lot lately..." I smiled, much to the Doctor's dismay. It annoyed me, ticked me off,

"What is wrong with you? Why do make things to unpleasant." My mouth already spoke what I shouldn't have. But I couldn't deny it, it felt mightily accomplishing. He bolted up, huffing in exhaustion and frustration, running a hand through his once slicked-back trimmed hair.

Slivers of smooth hair stuck out here and there, I had the faintest urge to tuck them back in.

Hans was fast asleep, soft snores verified that the cooed talk and belly rubs worked it's magic, but now I had to deal with one very annoyed adult.

We both walked out the room swiftly, as soon as we got out and shut the door, I poked my finger accusingly at him, and flicked a finger on his wrist, a wild fire in my eyes to protect Hans.... right?

The Doctor looked offended.

"Where are we? Is he going to be ok?" I pleaded. The Doctor's icy blue eyes had their pupils dilated and ragged eyebrows arched, he inched closer.

"First you tell me. Anya, who are you vith?" I was surprised to hear his opposing question,

"What?! What do you-'
He huffed, offended eternally and leaned down, inching closer,

"Do you know about zhe Great War? Between zhe Apothicons and the Aethereal Beasts?"

I tried to rack my brain for something, anything, while shifting my weight,out of the game files and teasers, trailers that would tell me about a future release. Then I remembered the only solid connection I had to my own world,

Richtofen hummed and painfully scrutinised me. It was strangely unnerving.

"Wait," I fished out my phone, hands shaking and passcode missing twice,

"I-I received some m-messages from this unknown source. I-I thought I could handle it, and escape from w-whatever this is without telling y-you guys." Tears pricked my eyes a little and my nose tingled, I searched open my inbox, I dared not see the Doctor in his eyes. He hissed, almost cursing foul words in German, pinching his long nose in annoyance,

"You vhere getting active communications from this unknown, conscious conduit all zhis time and never tried telling any of us?!" I gaped open like a fish out of water,

He was blushing red, inching closer,

"No No! You don't understand! I-I didn't know how to tell you that-

"Zhat it's all a fucking game to you?"

Ouch.

That, fucking hurt.

He's not wrong, I'm a dumb person. Of course he knew.

I rubbed away my tears and clenched my jaws shut, my mouth dry.

"I was doing a few things without y-your regard, I've been adding codes to the mainframe and tinkering-I was adding copied patches, patches I got from this phone,  into every milestone we reached so that when the round restarted we'd be directed to a different location!" I was escalating into a gargling noise now.

"Y-you see, I'm not like you all! I will not revive if I get down! The system will wipe. me. off!" My voiced trembled in despair,

"I HAD to do it dammit! Don't you see I don't belong here!?" I was flailing my hands around, the Doctor had a look of betrayal on his face, plain disgust. I continued,
"I wouldn't survive Doc, I-I'm a glitch in the system so I-I became selfish a-and directed a new course for the teleporter. I'm s-sorry, I'm so sorry..."

My eyes darted between his blue eyes, they were amusingly dilated and his breathing course,

Is he going to hit me....?

Pangs of disgust and homesickness hit me. I was crouching now, hiccuping and crying my soul out, I wanted to disappear.

I wanted to disappear and stop the pangs inside my chest. Because of my codes that I entered in the mainframe Tank, Takeo, Nikolai and everyone else are in danger, could've died or are probably dead by now.

"Wh-what have I done..." Soft and meek pained moans escaped my lips, pained by regret and anger. I covered my eyes, unable to meet the Doctor's sad figure, I must've looked so pathetic...

So pathetic.

Dirt.

Grimes.

No.

"Here, t-take this phone, you can see whatever you want, I got a coordinate in the beginning, the last patch is completing t-that" My shaky hands, outstretched were grabbed firmly yet in the most gentle way to stir me to stand, I looked hazily at him, glasses shining with blobs of tears.

Richtofen had a soft smile on his safe, almost sorry...

"I've been zhere, to feel disgusted of oneself, itz not zhe greatest feeling on earth." His gruff voice (now that I've speculated, his voice gets deeper when he's serious, whereas his tone almost becomes shrilly if happy). His blue eyes that I once wanted to scratch out with the bluntest of spoons, shone with such warmth that I wanted to coward out of existence-
He first and foremost expertly albeit with some pauses surfed through the messages and clicked it shut and gave me the phone back. I took it, so scared of the phone as if it could bite me. What happened next shook me and confused me,

"Zhe feeling of survival is an instinct, it makes us human. Feelings itself are harsh, unbearable even sometimes, but it's a gift, it's a gift that makes clear zhat we all have a soul."

that was deep.

He gingerly balled up his fist, asking for a fist-bump, he questioningly stared at his own fist and me, pondering whether what he'd done was offensive in any way. I gaped and glared at him, not out of anger but surprise that he took the crunch of this gesture so smoothly and correctly. I doubled back to when I realised he'd accepted me to that level...

He coughed, and looked around, regretting his offer and I happily, yet a bit too forcefully fist-bumped his his closed calloused knuckles. I sniffed and looked at our fists, as if I'd discovered Eldorado and the golden palace itself. For the first time in my life, I heard him laugh, my eyes shot up at him,

"Um Doc, should I be worried, you're being...nice" I found myself saying it, even though it was a year old reflex of seeing people with a tinted glass of suspiciousness, I wanted for the worth of my life to believe him. He smirked, amused,

"Ah Anya, don't ruin zhe moment." His eyes crinkled, flashed a dangerous smile and a chill ran through me as I realised I made everything super awkward like always.

Fuck it.

I crashed into him hugging like a child, almost throwing him off balance. The numerous clasps and buckles hit my flabby cheeks yet I hugged tightly.

"Thank you Doc, thank you so much."
***

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