CHAPTER 35 | No More

MARK'S P.O.V.

"FUCK!"

I cursed as the razor blade cut deep into my right arm. I gritted my teeth tightly, with my eyes closed shut due to the intense pain. I continued bringing the blade down my arm slowly, feeling the cold liquid that was my blood flowing out from the deep wound, and running down until hitting the sink.

I yelled loudly when the pain got unbearable and I dropped the blade on the sink, feeling my arm trembling with a stinging pain. I looked at myself in the mirror, making it blurry with the breathing that came out from my nose and my mouth. I let out another painful groan when the pain wasn't subsiding.

I did this with the intention that I would get rid of such thoughts that infected my mind. But it's not working. Hurting myself will lead me nowhere. I won't stop thinking about him, I won't get through this phase at this rate, I'm just punishing myself for something I'm not even guilty of! He's trying to turn me into something I don't want to be and just look what I'm doing. I'm such an idiot.

But what if I hurt him instead?

"Mark, what happened?" I heard my mom calling from outside the door of my bedroom. When I didn't reply, she knocked on the door and called me again. "Mark, are you there?"

"Yes!" I answered from the bathroom. "I'm fine!"

"What happened? I heard you screaming."

"Nothing! I just... Hit my toe on the desk." I lied.

"Oh, ok. Be more careful."

When her voice was no longer heard, I proceeded to wash my wound and wash out the stains of blood from the sink. I simply wrapped a piece of paper around my arm and stayed there, looking at my blurry reflection.

If I hurt Zack in some way, would that be enough for him to learn not to intrude in my life anymore? If I convince myself that I hate him so much by hurting him, will that be enough so I can erase every single thought about him?

Yes, that's what I have to do. In order to get over this phase in which I'm currently trapped, all I have to do is get rid of the matter that got me into this messy shit in the first place! In this case, Zack is the matter who I must get rid of. Only then, every single image and feeling towards him will be gone for once, I won't have the need to kiss him ever again, I will enjoy having sex with girls, and I'll be back to who I truly am. How didn't I think of that before?

I will teach him a lesson. A lesson that he'll have to learn the hard way. I'm going to do this to recover my true self. I will demonstrate that no one is born gay, and it's possible to get past that phase if you work hard to get it accomplished. If anyone decides to be gay, fine for them, but that's a decision I'm not willing to take. I already have a lot of problems in my life, and being gay won't be one of them.

I picked up my shirt from the floor and put it on. My arm was still stinging but I paid no mind to it. I walked out from my bathroom, but before I could exit, I was barefoot and my pinky toe hit against the edge of the door.

"AAAH!!! FUCK!!!" I yelled, lifting my left foot and holding the spot where I hit myself. "SHIT! DAMN IT! ARGH!" That and other swear words came out of my mouth as I jumped in one foot around the bathroom.

"Again, Mark?" My mom called from the other side of my bedroom door.

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ZACK'S P.O.V.

I awoke to the sweet sound of the birds chirping outside, the occasional sound of a car passing by the street, and the bright rays of sun making their way through my window. I opened my eyes slowly, and I found myself curled up in a ball while hugging one of my pillows. Oh, now I remember having cried last night until falling asleep.

It's such a peaceful and nice day, to stay in bed until night falls and do nothing but eat and play videogames, since there's no school today. But it looks like I won't be able to do any of that, because today Amber wants to go to that amusement park. I really am not in the mood to go there. I was yesterday, but after what happened with Mark, my mood went down drastically and I don't feel like doing anything now.

I mean, yesterday he tells me he is confused about what he likes. He says he feels this and that whenever he sees me. He says he can't stop thinking about me. He says he likes it too much when he kisses me and vice versa. He says he's terrified of what the others would think of him if they ever found out. That is more than enough proof to come to a possible conclusion: Mark is either gay or bi! After that, he snaps saying that he's not confused, that I'm the cause of that faggot phase wherein he is, and he tells me to disappear from this world and don't show up ever again. Like, what the hell? He's contradicting himself! That's what pisses me off the most about him.

Now the question is: how to make him accept himself? How to make him stop denying his feelings? How to make him come to the realization that there's nothing wrong about being gay or bi? How to make him get over his fears of what people will say? That seems like an impossible task to achieve, since this is Mark who we are talking about. He's so stubborn that he might always want to be the one who's right, despite telling him good arguments or reasons to change his attitude. So maybe he needs a specialist who can guide him through this process or something. I tried my best yesterday to make him accept himself, and in the end, it was as if I had been talking to a tree.

I stretched my arms and my legs, but I didn't get up yet. I sighed and rolled to my other side, just staring at my closet while thinking. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do with Mark. I want to forget him. I don't want to care about anything that is related to him. But I can't. I have fallen so in love with someone who hates me, and I just can't return the same feelings of hatred. Only feelings of affection.

My train of thought was interrupted by my phone ringing on the bedside table. I looked at it strangely, since I don't normally receive phone calls. Unless it's my aunt. I stretched my arm and reached out for my phone. The dialer showed Amber's name and a picture of a korean band.

I answered it and placed the phone on my ear. Please tell me the plans are canceled. Please tell me the plans are canceled!

"...Hello?" I asked through the phone. I heard some laughing in the background before I heard Amber's characteristic cheery voice.

"Zacky! How are you? Are you ready? You better be. We're on our way to your house!"

Oh well, it looks like plans aren't canceled after all. "Uh, yeah. Yes, I am." I lied, when I was actually sitting on my bed, half naked.

"Good. Because we're outside your house already."

"What?!" I said, and I heard a car parking outside with music playing. Great.

I hung up and quickly got up from the warmness of my bed. I walked over to my closet to pick some random clothes. I simply grabbed a pair of jeans that were a bit too tight for my comfort, and a sweatshirt. After I put on all my clothes, I went to my bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my hair. By the time I finished doing that, Amber was already ringing the bell with her oh-so-annoying way to ring the bell.

I opened the door and after scolding Amber for ringing my bell like that (which was useless because she was going to keep doing it anyway), I got into the van, greeting Vincent and Jaida who were already inside. Jaida looked excited, while Vincent, like me, looked tired and sleepy like he had been woken up forcibly by Amber.

When we all took our seats, we fastened our seat belts and Amber drove off. She started at a high speed as always. We haven't even arrived to the park and I already feel like I'm on one of those rides! Thankfully, she had to decrease the speed when we got to the main road, otherwise, she would've been charged for surpassing the speed limit.

We talked during the ride to the park, which was a bit long because the place was quite far away. After nearly an hour, we finally arrived and I was surprised to find that it wasn't as crowded as I had expected. I guess some people are still working or studying, and our school was the only one that was free today. That's a good thing. I don't like very big crowds.

Some time later we were walking around the park while admiring its surroundings. We looked at some extremely big rides that sent you very high up in the air, and to make it worse, it made you turn upside down. From here you could hear the screams of the people that were there. Amber gasped in awe and talked excitedly about how she would love to get on that ride and that we should get in with her. Jai and Vin said it would be fun. But me? No thanks. I want to live.

After we walked around for a while, we decided to start off by getting on a moderate ride to loosen up a bit, like the ferris wheel. Amber told me to let the lovebirds get on a single cabinet, and by lovebirds she obviously meant Vin and Jai. Vincent didn't want to get in with Jaida only, but after Amber hurried him to do so, he had no other choice. I got in one with Amber and the ride started.

It was nice because although it was very high, at least it did it slowly. I still got chills every time we got to the highest part, though. And much to my luck, the ride had to stop exactly when we were almost at the highest part. I gripped the bars of the cabinet while Amber talked without stopping about the view in front of us.

"You can see everything from here! It looks so damn cool! I need a pic of this!" Amber said as she pulled out her phone and started taking pictures.

"Amber, d-don't move so much!" I told her, but she continued to move like a worm while taking pictures. Then she turned her phone towards us and smiled at the camera, making the sign of peace and love with her hand, before I heard another click, and that's when I knew she had taken a picture of us without even warning me!

"Look, we look great!" She said, showing me the picture before the ride started again. But no, I look awful! Pictures always make me look uglier than I think I am!

"Amber! Delete that now!" I ordered, trying to sound demanding, but of course my voice betrayed me.

"No! It's a memory of when we came here."

I rolled my eyes. "I won't try to snatch your phone away because we're inside this thing and I don't want to drop it down."

"Or, because you're afraid that if you move too much, the cabinet might fall down and we will die."

"Shut up."

When the ride ended, we went to try many other rides, and Amber would take pictures whenever she felt like. Many of the rides looked scary, and my heart would beat rapidly with so much nervousness even before they started, but after a while I became used to them and I enjoyed them a lot. Except the roller coaster. That one almost makes me die! It was worse than Amber's driving! I must admit that I had to get in it so my friends didn't think I was a coward.

When we were hungry, we went to one of the eating places, and the food was delicious. I talked and laughed with my friends freely about any random subject that we came up with. I had one of the best days of my life with them, and it even made me forget the reason why I was so unhappy this morning. I had never felt so comfortable around a group of people before. Normally, my friends range would be between 0 or 1, but I have 3 now, and that's more of what I can ask. Quality over quantity.

We stayed in the park until night fell. When we were done with almost all of the rides, we went to some interesting places where you could see impressive things and events while eating cotton candy. When it was time to leave, Amber insisted that we should take a last picture with all of us together. We accepted, but she didn't only take one, they were like ten.

It was actually worth it to come to this place. I had a great time, I spent it with my friends, I lost most of my fears of getting into the rides, and it helped me to escape from the toxic thoughts of my mind.

Amber took each of us back home. After saying goodbye to her and thanking her for the amazing day, she pinched my cheek with a smile and I got off from the van. I opened the door to my house and stepped inside, sighing of relief. It just feels good being home after a long day. I messaged my aunt to let her know I was already in my house.

After telling her about my day, I went up to my bedroom and stripped of all my clothes to take a well deserved and warm shower. When I was finished, I dried myself and put on a pair of boxers before brushing my teeth and going to bed. I engulfed myself into my soft covers and fell into a peaceful and relaxing sleep.

When I woke up the next day, I stretched my arms and legs, and stayed on my bed for a few minutes. I could feel my feet a bit sore today, from all the walking I did yesterday. I don't know if it's only me, but as you might know already, I'm not a very active person, so I'm not used to walk a lot. And the day I do, the next I wake up with my feet hurting a bit, and I just want to stay on bed for the rest of the day.

Also, as the total introvert soul I am, I feel like my entire social battery has been completely drained. I mean, I socialized a lot yesterday, and I feel so tired as to socialize more today. So, I need at least two or three days of being with myself until I can recover my energy and feel like going out again.

But oh, it looks like Amber had other plans for today too. She wants us to go to the cinema and then go for ice cream at the park, the normal one. At first I was like, are you serious? We went to an amusement park just yesterday and now we're going out more today! I was planning to stay home for the next two days. But then I thought about it a second time and decided to accept. At least this was going to be a bit more relaxing activity to do.

So yeah, at 4 PM we all went to the cinema and watched Ready Player One. It was really cool. After that, we went to buy an ice cream. We went to sit on a bench at the park and we talked for a while. And oh surprise, Elliot happened to be there too, and when he saw us, he didn't hesitate to join us. Amber panicked and immediately gave me her ice cream because she didn't want Elliot to see her eating like a pig. But ew! I didn't want her ice cream where her tongue had been.

Anyway, it was another nice day, even though I said I didn't have any more energy remaining. But after that, I can assure you my social battery has definitely fallen to 0%. Much to my relief, Sunday was a quieter day at home with my aunt and Amber who visited me to eat. I admit this was quite a nice weekend. I did different things and spent more time with my friends and my aunt, who I consider my new family from now on.

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Monday was the day when the problems of my life came back to haunt my head once again. I don't have a lot of problems, but there's one that goes in this school and counts like a hundred problems. You might know already who I'm talking about. Yeah, him.

Although something strange that I noticed was that I didn't catch a single sight of him or his comrades during the entire day. No doubt he did mean what he said that day. He told me to disappear from his life completely, and believe me, I'm really trying to do that. If he thinks that him not seeing me is the right thing to do so he can stop liking me, instead of accepting himself, then fine. But I'm very sure that he won't last long before one day, he realizes that he won't be able to keep his secret in any longer, and decides to message me to meet him at that place so he can say he regrets everything he said to me, that he confesses he likes me and he will accept himself the way he is. I'm sure that day will arrive. Just you be patient, Zack.

Mark: Meet me at the back of the building
I'll tell you everything

But I didn't think that day would be today!

I stared blankly at my phone, not knowing if I should go or not. Well, probably if I don't go, he'll get much more pissed than he might be right now. What I didn't know was if he was saying the truth, or if he was lying to make out with me without any purpose at all. Unless he wants to get rid of his confusion. But I think that by everything he has told me, about his feelings and all, has been enough to free him from most of his confusion. But then again, Mark is a very confusing person and you don't know what the hell can be inside his fucked brain. He says one thing and then another, which makes it a nearly impossible puzzle to solve.

Maybe today he does want to tell me everything. Maybe this weeked helped him to think about his mistakes, and he came to a conclusion that he should stop lying to me and tell me the truth once for all. It could be that, but I'll never know the answer if I don't go and find out. But I swear, if he does another stupid thing like kissing me and then blaming me for what he feels, then it will be the last time I will ever go there. And this time I freaking mean it!

So, after excusing myself from my friends by telling them my classic lie (diarrhea), I turned to the opposite direction to go and meet this dumbass. Let's see what he comes up with today. I'm tired of hearing shit spilling out from his mouth, so he better tell the truth.

As I disappeared into the supposedly restricted area of the school and everything went silent except for my footsteps, an uneasy feeling made its way to the pit of my stomach. It was as if something inside me was telling me not to go there. That with every step I took, I was heading to the wrong direction, and I was getting every time closer to some sort of trap. That's odd. But I guess I have always felt this way whenever I go to this place, and until now I realized it.

I shrugged it off and continued walking, shuddering when I felt the cold air blowing on my face. I looked down at my feet as I kicked some small rocks on the ground, that was until I felt someone wrapping their arm around my mouth harshly, then I was yanked back into a corner with a great force. Another arm was wrapped around my chest, preventing me from moving, and my back was pressed against their chest. It all happened so fast, that when I registered what had happened, I struggled to break free of the arms that were holding me, but they just seemed to tighten more around me like a snake.

"You thought you could get away with it, huh faggot?"

A voice whispered in my ear. It took me a while to recognize it as Herman's voice.

He laughed as I continued to try and escape, but he was incredibly strong. "Rupert! Help me, you fucker!" He called in a hushed but demanding voice.

My eyes moved around frantically, scared and confused about what the hell was happening. Then, Rupert appeared at my side. He had a frown on his face, and was looking down at me worriedly, a look that I had never seen on him before.

"What are you waiting for, you idiot?! Lift him by his feet, come on!" Herman demanded again, impatiently.

Rupert looked hesitantly from Herman and then at me. He gave me another look that said I'm sorry, and then he bent down to lift me by me feet, and so they both started carrying me somewhere. I tried to scream for help, but Herman's arm was still around my mouth, and all that came out were muffled screams.

They didn't take me anywhere else but the place I had been at in the past days. The back of the building. Once they set me on the ground, they quickly pushed me against the wall and held a