Carmen was the old Carmen in the car ride back to Portland. In my mind, I compared the difference from that moment and the day she and Harry had driven me up to Bend eight months before. I had been so frightened and tired. But, things had changed. Being together with Carmen again I saw that the worst of my fears were over. Riding back in the car, I fell back into the old "Evie." I could tell when I saw Harry stare back at us now and again in the rear view mirror. His amused look brought me back. Their oldest child sat up front and Carmen and I sat in the back with Charlie and Susie. The other children rode with their grandmother in the car right behind us.

"Well," Carmen said, "I can't tell you what Kitty's been up to with the children in the car. I'd probably ruin them for life!" Carmen's expressions were exaggerated. Her face was made up perfectly, even for the drive home. She wore a wool skirt and a crew neck sweater with a red and blue scarf around her neck. I had forgotten how pretty she was. I'd forgotten how I hung on to her every word, anticipated what she'd say next and watch her expressions looking for clues.

"What?! What is she doing?" I practically screamed with curiosity.
"What mama?" Suzie asked.

"Not for your ears child. Climb up front with daddy and Linda. You shouldn't be hearing this." Suzie put her hand on Harry's shoulder as he helped her over with one arm.

"Really Carmen it's not like she won't hear from up here." Harry pointed out.

"Well turn the radio on Harry. I've only got Evie for another day. I've got a lot to give her all the sordid details!"

The Pointer Sisters came on the radio and Carmen started in an exaggerated whisper, "I told you Louis Stewart moved back to Sellwood didn't I?"

"No. I didn't know that. Where was he?"

"East coast somewhere." She bit a nail before she continued, "He is very well off now. Some kind of manufacturing business that he brought to Portland. He's bought one of those big houses on the bluff. Lives there with his wife, some society lady from Boston. She walks through Meyer and Frank with a clothing consultant!"

"Geeze. That is rich. I never even heard of such a thing."

"That's not the half of it—he looks pretty good too. Nothing like in high school—"

"God he was so lanky. And, crazy over you."

I noticed Harry look back at us in the mirror when I said that.

"Well he didn't stand a chance against Harry." She leaned forward and affectionately touched his shoulder as he drove. She took a deep breath.

"For heaven's sake, Carmen. Go on!"

She put her hand on mine and gave it a squeeze. "So, his wife is this beautiful, glamorous woman from one of those wealthy east coast families."

"I don't know if that's true," Harry chimed in.

"That's exactly what Kitty said Harry! You only know what I told you!"

"Well, they don't have one of the real big houses anyway and it's on Sellwood boulevard, not the bluff."

"Harry! You're ruining the story."

"It's getting less believable by the minute" Harry teased then turned the music up.

Carmen looked back at me, "Don't listen to him. Anyway, Kitty has decided that she wants an invitation to one of their big parties. I don't know why because no one we know goes to things like that. I love her but she's not of that ilk. She's convinced it will raise their "status as a family" as she says."

The conversation went on like that and it seemed, in no time, we were driving over the Sellwood bridge. For a moment, it took my breath away, being back. The sun was just setting as we drove up Tacoma Boulevard. We passed the Sellwood Theater and I remembered movies with Carmen, Harry and Nick. After Nick was shipped overseas, the newsreels of the war shocked me into imagining Nick's experience in Europe. We passed the bank and the drugstore. I looked out the people walking about. A part of me expected to see Kitty or Joan walking by with their husbands, out for dinner or a movie. Luckily there was no one I knew.

As the car made it's way down Spokane Street, I felt both saddened and disoriented. I'd almost forgotten my little life in the neighborhood. Of course, I hadn't lost my memories, but I felt like a different person riding home in the back seat with my baby. Harry pulled the car into to the driveway of their big rambling yard. Carmen's mother pulled in behind us. All the kids lumbered out and immediately started hanging on Carmen begging for food.

"All right, it's just sandwiches. Why did I have so many children?"

The kids continued to whine and she picked up Suzie and whispered something in her ear. Their voices faded as I looked next door at my family home. There it was, the same brown paint and mustard shutters. The large gum tree next to the drive way looked the same as it always had in the winter, tall with bare branches. The spiky balls, containing buckeyes, that had fallen during autumn were scattered all over; no one had raked them up. Even at dusk I could see the front yard didn't look nearly as pretty as when I was tending to it. My heart sank at the thought of the gardens in back. I walked a little closer and even in the rapidly fading light, I could see into, at least part of the gardens behind the house. It was winter and nearly dark so it was hard to tell, but glimpses of un-pruned rose bushes and scraggly laurel hedges made me realize my life before had been taken over by weeds; it was no longer orderly and beautiful. It was no longer an expression of me. The next family to live in the house would surely take out most of the plants and put grass in. They'd likely build a garage on the lot on the other side of the house or maybe they'd separate the property into three lots and my family home would become just like the others in the neighborhood, squeezed in closely right beside other ordinary houses; other ordinary lives.. It wouldn't, in any way, be mine any more. That life was already gone.

I turned and Carmen was right next to me holding Charlie. "I think he needs a change," she said with a knowing look. "I'd do it, but the kids will be screaming for more food in a moment or two."

I looked at Charlie's chubby face, content and smiling. I leaned in and rubbed his nose against mine. He opened his mouth a half smile and half reflex. I could feel a heaviness in his diaper. I walked slowly into the house letting memories of my childhood surround me. I carried him inside. Carmen told me to take her old bedroom. The one we had shared as kids when my father was out of town, away on business trips. Her bedroom always had a pretty glow at night. A streetlamp was just a few yards away and it had an amber light. After I changed Charlie's diaper, I sat with him on the window seat and nursed him. I could see my house from the window. The lights were on in most of the rooms. I wondered what it would be like to go inside tomorrow, a stranger to all these people who came to inhabit my home. What had they done to it? The gum tree to the side of my house swayed in the wind. Flecks of rain hit the window and I thought there'd be a shower, but the night sky seemed to give up and just the breeze and the dark winter night remained in view. Charlie's breathing was a little gravely as he nursed. I could see his nose was running and he would release from my breast and take deep breaths. I worried because he'd had the croup so many times in the past few months. Mary always helped me when he got like this. She said the best thing was to bundle him up and take him out in the cold, fresh air. It had always worked. I'd walk him around the large farm property, carrying him in my arms, singing his favorite lullaby. The one Mary sang him the first days after he was born and so often thereafter. Sometimes, his crying would stop in no time, but sometimes Mary would come relieve me and I would fall into the couch and into a deep sleep until I felt a tap on my shoulder, Mary above me with a sleeping Charlie.

"It's all right Darling." I whispered. His little eyelids began fluttering and his mouth grew slack. He stopped nursing, remained asleep against my chest. I imagined our two hearts beating as one. What was inside me, was inside him. I fell asleep that way with Charlie on my chest, my back propped against the wall of the window seat in an uncomfortable position so that he would be close and warm. I woke around 11:00. It was freezing cold by the window seat. I felt Charlie. His little body was warm but his face was cold as ice. I lifted him gingerly and carried him over to the bed. I heard a little cough. It was wet and I was familiar with it. I felt his forehead and he didn't feel warm. I laid him down on the bed and got in next to him. I pulled the heavy quilts over us and kept my arm around him. I couldn't sleep for his breathing had become so labored and I was beginning to worry. There was a wet sound with each inhalation. I became anxious and wondered whether I should take him outside. Everyone was asleep and I knew what to do. I wouldn't wake Carmen, it wasn't like she could offer me any advice. I already knew everything there was to do, short of taking him to the hospital. Still, he wasn't crying and it was so late and cold. His cough started again. It was a loud bark and he opened his eyes and it looked like he couldn't get air. He let out a loud scream and the cough continued.

Instinctively I lifted him out of bed and held him upright which allowed him to get some air. I wrapped him tight in a quilt and lay him on the bed. I put on my wool coat and gloves and rummaged through my suitcase for one of the little hats the bridge ladies had knitted for him. I had a stronger than nature maternal instinct, with the constant thought of waking Harry and Carmen and taking Charlie to the emergency room if need be. It had never gotten to that point before, so I bundled him up so he'd stay warm. I lifted him up and held him close. He was still crying and I was gently bouncing him in my arms. His cries were interrupted by coughing and gulps of air. I carried him down the stairs. I made sure to stay quiet as I ventured down. I noticed how silent the large house was after everyone fell asleep. I knew the house intimately and could navigate even with the lights out.

I carried Charlie out the front door and a burst of cold hit us. It felt good somehow. I supposed that was because I knew cold air always helped Charlie. He continued to cry and I walked him up and down the street softly singing his favorite lullaby. His respiration was settling back to a less frightening rhythm. Shortly thereafter, he was breathing normally again, save for strong wet coughing fits that lasted a few seconds then subsided. His crying had stopped for the most part, but when his blue eyes looked up and caught my worried gaze, his little mouth would pucker, his brow furrowed. He would start screaming again and writhing in my arms. Once he was able to get air into his longs and he had tired himself out, I kept pacing and humming to him. I walked to the corner of 15th and Spokane, just past the Sellwood Community House where I'd chaired all the Garden Club meetings during my last year or so in the neighborhood. As Charlie nestled himself against me in a deep slumber, my mind drifted back to when I'd served as the chairwoman. It almost made me laugh, the thought of myself at 23, a garden club chairwoman! Nearly everyone was twice my age. I had been so certain of myself in that role. Standing there holding my baby, I realized that back then I was hardly more than a child. But, as soon as Nick and I married, I'd taken my job as housewife very seriously. I supposed I was competitive, wanting to be one of the ladies written about in the Bee for her gardens or prize-winning corsages. And I was, many times featured in our neighborhood newspaper, standing in one of my garden rooms. I shuddered at the thought of what would have become of me had Nick come back from the war and we'd resumed our life together. It was a funny thing having Charlie, it made me older. I'd never had expected that there would come a time when I would consider that a life with Nick could have been disappointing. After Charlie, I felt anything that would have prevented my bringing him into the world, would have been a mistake. I was meant to be his mother. He stretched his arm up out of the quilt. His tiny hand was close enough for me to kiss it and put my cheek against it. My cheek must have been cold because he reflexively pulled it away and put his fist back under the blanket, warming up against my chest. I didn't realize I had been standing in front of the community house for so long. When my thoughts came back in focus, I saw my reflection from the street lamp in the pane of the glass door. I turned when I heard footsteps coming around the side of the building. I was startled and turned to walk back to Carmen's house. I heard the footsteps stop get closer behind me as I approached the corner.

"Eve?"

I recognized his voice immediately. I thought to run, but that would have been foolish with Charlie in my arms.

"Eve, is that you?"

I turned and saw him. Jeff. It was the same him. He was impeccably dressed as always, even strolling in the middle of the night. He had a long wool coat, a fedora. He was smoking a cigarette something I hadn't remembered him doing.

"I didn't know you smoked." I remarked. Afterwards, I questioned why I'd said it. Why was that the first thing that had entered my mind? I realized I'd made things familiar, as if no time had passed, as if I had just seen him yesterday. My stomach dropped. I was stupid, Carmen had been right. I shouldn't have come back.

He laughed in his charming way. "That's what you have to say to me the first time I meet my son?"

The words cut through me. I had long forgotten that Charlie was Jeff's son. I knew it in a rational, logical way. But in the most important ways, I knew him to be mine and Mary's and Frank's. I couldn't find any words to respond. I grew afraid, seeing his confidence. He tossed the cigarette on the ground and it was immediately extinguished in a puddle. He walked towards me. Ever since we'd met, he had walked through the curtain of morals and standards. He had always acted so familiar with me that it set me off balance. I never knew how to behave with him. I'd always felt he treated me as though I was completely weak and wiling, despite my ambivalence and occasional protests. This time I stepped back away from him.

"Why are you out here so late? Why are you back in Sellwood?" he asked. I looked into his blue eyes. Carmen was right. He did have power over me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Why are you sorry Eve?"

"I'm sorry I didn't answer your letters."

"I am too. Is that him? Can I see my son?"

"How did you know I had a boy?"

He turned his head to the side and pursed his lips, acting as if he were inspecting me. "You always were a bright girl," he joked. This time I remained serious. Of course a part of me wanted to slip back into my place with him. Say something clever and coy.

"How did you?"

"There are newspapers in Bend, Eve."

"How would you get a newspaper so far away?"

"May I see my son?" He walked closer and reached towards Charlie. Instinctively, I tightened my grip on him. Charlie squirmed a little.

Jeff's eyes softened "please Eve, let me see my boy."

I nodded and let out a deep breath as I handed Charlie to him. He held Charlie against his chest and kissed his forehead. Charlie pulled further out of the quilt so his head and arms were exposed to the air. Looking for warmth, Charlie wiggled himself closer to Jeff's shoulder and neck. "There you are little boy." Charlie settled in and closed his eyes again. Jeff kept his eyes on the baby, kissing his little hand that was now against Jeff's neck. With his free hand, Jeff adjusted Charlie's hat and pulled the quilt around tighter. He leaned in and kissed Charlie on the cheek. "Go to sleep little boy."

I started to cry, seeing Charlie with Jeff. I never expected that a baby's father might have a natural affinity and love like that. I certainly didn't expect Jeff to. Jeff looked up to see me wiping my eyes with my handkerchief. Back when we were together, and things were good with us, he'd always comforted me when I cried.

Darling, don't cry. I'm here.

Shhh. why the tears, beautiful Eve? Come here silly girl.

This time was different. Jeff just looked up over Charlie and watched me as I tried to compose myself. I let our eyes meet. He remained expressionless.

"It's cold, "I whispered.

"Yes, you should get him inside. Do I hear a little wheezing?"

"I nodded. That's why we're out here. He's been getting terrible croup."

Jeff nodded and smiled, "I'm out here sneaking a smoke. Much less honorable than a mother caring for her baby. But that's always how it was, wasn't it, Eve? I was the one without scruples."

I felt myself grow flush.

"Don't be embarrassed Eve. I'm teasing you."

"I should go Jeff, the baby needs to sleep. I think he'll be all right now that his cough's settled down." Jeff gave Charlie back to me and once in my arms again, a wave of relief washed over me. I felt powerful again. Motherhood.

I started to leave but for some reason I turned back to Jeff. I inspected him, the whole of him. He was like a film star. He could have been Gary Cooper without changing a thing. Standing out there in the fog, in his coat and his felt hat. He could have been a film star and that could have been a film. I wasn't anything near to glamorous, but he was. He had the looks that anyone would pay to see on the big screen, regardless of who his leading lady was.

"Jeff, I loved the way you were with Charlie just now. Thank you for being so loving towards him."

He swallowed hard and started to say something. He took a deep breath and let it out. "Eve, why didn't you write me back?"

I was speechless. At that moment, I remembered the letters hidden away in my coat pocket. The very coat I was wearing. They had been there since summer. Forgotten. I shook my head and looked at the ground.

"Look at me Eve."

I looked back up at him, unable to apologize again for not writing back. Truly, despite some of the feelings I still had for him, I didn't want him in our lives. I was afraid to say it because I felt trapped in his orbit again. He had a power over me. Carmen was right. On the other side of the tension was Charlie, this imperative to have a happy life with my baby. Free of the spell.

"I meant what I said Eve. I want to meet you in Eugene. I've gone up there a number of times. If you were to move there and stay with me, no one would know who you are or your predicament. That way I can help you and Charlie can live without shame."

"I don't want you to help me, Jeff."

"Don't be stubborn Eve. Are you going to raise the baby by yourself?"

"No. I have people who are taking care of Charlie and me. They are like his grandparents."

"Well, he has real family."

"Who?!" I asked raising my voice, then hushing it as Charlie opened his eyes for a moment then closed them again. "My parents are dead. Who are you talking about? You're mother's passed. Who then? Your father? Your sister? Do you think I would subject myself to that? You are so crazy Jeff! I don't even know why you're out here. How is it that the one night I'm in Sellwood and my baby's sick, who should be taking a midnight stroll but you."

"All right. I understand you're angry. That