EVELINE KNIGHT

We were now in the car heading for home. I didn't dare to look at Xander even once. He was fuming with anger. I could feel his jaw tightening, his tight grip on the steering wheel. I was still holding the statue in my hand tightly. Tears were continuously streaming down from my cheeks. I was biting my lip trying my best to not make any noise.

I can't stay like this.

I opened my mouth to say it "X-Xander-" but he cut me off.

"Not a word Ev." He growled which made me quiet again.

After we reached home he got out of the car I didn't make any move. He came to my side and opened the door taking off my seatbelt he said "Out." I quickly got out of the car.

He again held my hand in his tightly and dragged me inside. When we reached the bedroom. He left my hand and turned around.

This time his eyes were different. His eyes showed an emotion of...... defeat? I could see tears in his eyes, his eyes were red. Whatever has happened so far I have never seen tears in Xander's eyes before.

What have I done? I hate myself for doing this to him.

"Why are you like this Ev? You love to make me feel helpless. Don't you?" he said in a broken voice.

Xander please don't let your tears fall I will never be able to forgive myself.

"I am tired Ev. I am so tired of feeling this fear everyday. The fear to lose you. But you won't understand that." He paused for a moment then said "Blake was right I should tell you everything maybe knowing that you'll have some pity on me and stop with your carelessness."

"X-Xander I-I am really sorry." I said in a low voice but enough for him to hear it.

"How many times are you going to say sorry for your mistakes when you don't even mean it."

I looked down. "Everything was fine when you were not there in my life. I wish you would've never came in my life."

Listening to him my heart shattered into millions of pieces. I couldn't believe what he just said.

I can take everything but not this Xander.

"Why? Just because one girl cheated on you doesn't mean you'll lose everyone."

"It's not about just cheating Ev. It's much more than that. It was my mistake that I thought I can start a new life with you that I can love you. But I was wrong."

Why is he saying these things? Why can't he understand that his each and every word is killing me.

"I don't want to experience that fear again. Fear of losing someone."

"Why are you saying these things Xander? I promise I won't ever do it again." he looked away and was ready to leave when I held his hand.

"You wanted to know about my past. Let me tell you everything." He sat on the couch and I was standing in front of him. He rubbed his face with his hands once and took a deep breath.

"Blake and me, we were best friends. Not only us but Evan and" he closed his eyes for a moment then again opened them, his eyes were red. "Mason too."

Mason? Who is he?

"We all were in the same college in Australia, we always stayed together and we were always with each other in times of needs. We were like the most famous guys in our college."

"You already know everything about Blake and Evan. Let me tell you somethings about Mason." He paused and smiled to himself.

"Mason was different from us. He always stayed engaged with his studies. He was the most innocent one while our lives were filled with girls, parties, sex. He never came with us to any parties he said he hated parties. You know I loved spending time with him. We would always go to his house and have fun there together. He was everything for me just like you are now. His smile, I don't know I could do anything to see that smile on his face. Just like yours. He was my best friend, my brother. He had some breathing problems, sometimes he couldn't sleep alone I would go to his house and stay with him the whole night. Our bond was so strong that no one could break that ever." He was still smiling while saying these things.

He continued "It was at one of the parties where I first met Maddison. She was just a one night stand for me.

Then once there was some event in our college where she too came. I don't know I felt some strange bond towards her after that night I couldn't forget her. The sex with her was driving me crazy. So I thought to ask her out on a date. And that was the biggest mistake of my life. I did and she agreed. We started dating. Before her I have never loved any girl so much. Within few months she became everything for me. I don't know what it was that I always felt attracted towards her.

Maddison didn't wanted to tell anyone about us so we kept our relationship secret. She said that she was not yet ready and I was completely fine with it. It was her that I wanted.

I didn't knew at first that Mason too was dating someone. One day while I was sitting with him he was blushing looking at his phone I forced him to tell me the truth because he was never like this. He finally told me that he is seeing someone. I was so excited because it was his first time dating someone. Just like you were excited when your best friend started dating. He told me how deeply he has fallen for the girl. I was happy for him. So fucking happy. I could see in his eyes the love for that girl. It was true. But when I asked him about the girl he said that she doesn't want him to tell everyone about their relationship. She is not ready yet. He told me that it's only me and Blake whom he has told but nobody has saw her.

One day Blake told me that he knows that I am with someone because according to him my face is an open book to him. I asked him not to tell anyone about it. He said that he won't if I introduce the girl to him. I accepted that condition and introduced Maddison to Blake. It was the first time he saw her but still he was shocked. He tried to hide it but I know him too well so I asked him, if there is anything wrong or not but he didn't say anything. He said nothing is wrong. I could still sense that he was hiding something from me.

We never used to have secrets among each other but I guess sometimes it's the situation that has to be blamed. We all started to keep secrets. I don't know about Evan but ya me, Blake and Mason we had secrets.

It was the last day of our college. Evan and I, we were sitting at the canteen waiting for Blake and Mason. I took my phone and called Mason. I asked him when will he come that we were waiting for him. He was crying and he didn't reply. I kept on asking him but he didn't say anything. Then I yelled at him to tell me what's wrong. He finally spoke. He said he was in love with that girl, deeply. For the first time he has loved some girl truly and she....... She cheated on him with some other guy. He didn't know who the guy was but he saw her and him kissing at our college's parking lot. You know there were a lot of girls with whom we played, had sex. But it was only me, Blake and Evan. Mason was the most innocent and pure one among us. He then told me that he confronted the girl about this and she told that he wasn't enough to satisfy her needs, that she can't love a patient like him who has such big problem. She even told him that she never loved him and just played with him. He was really emotional and soft hearted. He didn't had the power to bear any kind of pain, he wasn't strong enough to do that. He was continuously blaming his illness for everything. I knew this was not going well. So I kept on asking him where was he. He didn't tell me anything he just cried.

My heart was beating so fast at that time. I wanted to be with him, to comfort him, to tell him that I am here for him, that I am here to take all the pain from him. I was going crazy at that time Ev.

Then I saw Blake entering the canteen. I ran to him and asked him if he saw Mason anywhere. He said he didn't. We searched for him. I was running like crazy still talking to him on the phone, asking him where was he. He didn't say anything Ev he kept crying and he was breathing heavily. I knew if I didn't reach him that time I would lose him. He was in so much pain Ev. I was shouting at him to take his medicine but he denied. Then me and Blake we reached the college terrace. As soon as we opened the door, we saw him rubbing his chest but I sensed that he couldn't breathe looking at his face. We ran to the edge where he was sitting to save him but we were just too late.

Before we could've reached his body froze as if his breathing has stopped and he fell down. Me and Blake we stood there looking down Evan was standing right beside his lifeless body. Blake ran down. I stayed there. I couldn't move from my place. I stood there like a statue. He was so much to me that I couldn't even explain to you.

I then saw his phone. There was an image of me and him together. I guess he was looking at it the whole time. I took his phone to just close the image and I saw his wallpaper. It was a picture of him and..... Maddison.

I then read his messages with her, his other pictures and now it was so clear that the girl who cheated on him was Maddison and the guy with whom she was, it was none other than me. Ya I met her at the parking lot of our college and we kissed passionately, I guess that's what Mason saw. I couldn't control my anger and went to Maddison. She was in her modelling practice in her college. I dragged her and asked her about the whole thing. She said 'yes' she was dating both of us at the same time but at first she didn't know that we were friends, when Blake told her then only she came to know about it. She told that she loved me more than anything and many things but I don't even remember what did she say because my mind was occupied with just one thing that Blake knew everything but he didn't tell me.

It confused me so much. I went to Blake to ask him if it was the truth, that if he knew everything. And he said yes. He did know everything but he didn't tell me. I could've killed Blake that day if he was not my friend. I lost three people I loved more than myself on that one day.

I lost Mason forever, Blake who was like a brother to me, everything for me and I hate to say this but yes Maddison too, she was the first girl whom I took seriously, I loved her. If once Blake had told me about Maddison and Mason I would've done something and Mason would've been alive."

I didn't know what to say now. He opened his heart in front of me. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. He was so hurt. These all years he lived with so much pain.

I went to him. I cupped his face with my hands and looked in his eyes. I could see the pain in his eyes. He was just trying to hold back his tears.

"Ev I tried I tried to save him but I couldn't. I still remember that day I was going crazy I was running like a mad person." He was crying while saying this. "I hate Blake for lying to me. Everyday I ask this question to myself that why did he lie to me. I hate Maddison for hurting Mason. I even hate myself Ev for being that guy who loved Maddison. If I was not the guy who loved her then Mason would have been alive. He would've been with her happily. I regret each and every moment I spent with her. I hate myself so much, I am such a bad friend."

"No. You didn't knew anything about Mason and Maddison." I rested my forehead on his. "Stop blaming yourself." I wiped the tears from his face. He looked at me.

"If he had told me even once I would have left Maddison. Nothing in this world meant more than him. I could even take all his hatred but he chose to punish me with something else. He chose to kill me everyday. The guilt inside me is killing me. Why did I have to be that guy?"

"Xander I am sure he doesn't want that. He loved you, he was your friend and friends don't want to see each other hurt. Don't blame yourself he won't be happy."

"I am scared Ev. I am scared of losing you like Mason. I lost the people whom I loved the most in this world, I can't bear the pain of losing you. You are just too much for me to lose. I don't want that. I can't lose you Ev. I just can't."

"I promise Xander I won't do anything like that again. Please don't stop loving me. Please." I hugged him he kissed my cheek and hugged me back.

"I don't think I could stop loving you even if I try."

He leaned his forehead against mine.

"I love you."

"I love you too Ev."

"Let's take a shower together Xander."
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I feel like crying right now.

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