happy three hundred thousand.
i can't even begin to thank you all enough for the love and friendships you have given me. We truly are in this together as our own little friend group.
I love you all.

xoxo.

Matti Williams

Sunday December 14th.

"Hey bro—uh wait, what are all these boxes up here for?" Blake asked, barging in. I sighed, well better to tell him. I spun on my feet and clapped my hands. "I'm going back," I state as he raises his eyebrows. "You're leaving? After one bad day?" He asked with humor.

I nodded, reaching for the packing tape.

"You can't be serious—you aren't actually going to leave her." Blake crossed his arms over his chest.

I shrugged, "Blake. I have no other option. You heard what Reese said—UCLA Medical Center is far away. It's better if I just end things now." I conclude as Blake groans.

"Dude—you're such a fucking idiot! She's going to get into wherever she wants to get into if you just leave her alone for the next few days!" He tried to reason with me as I walked into my closet.

"But I can't! Why should I have to? Who's to say nobody will ruin it for us in the future?" I exclaim at him, walking back out of the closet.

But then I groan, a shiny collar catching my eye.

Mimi's collar.

I covered my mouth and stared at it.

I didn't want to go.

"Okay—but you're at least going to wait until tomorrow right? After art? That way she passes the class?" He assumes as I shake my head. "No—we're done. I said my goodbyes today." I state but he walked over to sit on my bed.

"Exactly, you got to say your goodbyes not her. Quit being an unfair douchebag." He threw a quarter at me, and I dodged it.

I sighed, "Blake. I just— I can't actually say goodbye to her. I can't hear her cries, I can't be around her when she's like that. And she will be like that—" He cuts me off.

"Good god you fucking dumbass! She's like that because she loves you, she would kiss the ground you walked on if she could. You're going to regret this." He states as I make eye contact with him and slowly nod.

Because I would regret this.

I fucking loved that girl so much.

But now I had to be selfish and protect her—to make sure her future was safe.

I sat down at my desk and stared at the note I was leaving her. My heart broke with every-word I wrote, the paper was still somewhat splattered with my tears.

"You aren't even going to be here to celebrate if she gets into the pediatrics area?" He asked, voice heightened with emotion. I swallowed, not looking at him and I shook my head unable to respond.

There was no person on this planet I would love more than the girl that had given me everything at the same time that she had nothing.

And with that thought I started to cry again.

I placed my head in my hands and heard Blake hop off the bed. "I'm gonna miss you bro—" I pointed at the door for him to leave, this was all too much for me to handle at this moment.

He stopped and then I heard him sigh. Slowly he walked out, closing the door behind him.

And that's when it all released, my silent cries because I was about to ruin her.

But it was a part of the plan in the beginning.

Well, a lot had changed since then—and I would regret this moment for the rest of my life.

But this is what Coach did for Helen, he let her go? Didn't he?

I wiped my tears and picked up my phone— hovering over the pictures I had of us together. My lock screen is no longer a picture of the team, but a mirror picture of my arms wrapped around Naomi's short figure—her holding Mimi in her arms, smiling bright.

Our little family that I was about to ruin.

God—what the actual fuck.

Monday December 15th.

I picked up the second phone call as Blake's voice was heard this time. I sigh in relief. "You really are the worst—you know that?" I ask as I hear him chuckle.

"Really—because last time I checked, I just dropped your sobbing ex girlfriend off at her apartment because you left her back in State College with a broken heart." He spat out as I sighed.

This shit wasn't getting easier.

"What's going on dude?" He asks as I chuckle. "I'm trying not to think about her," I lead off as he chuckles. Soon, my phone was ringing with FaceTime—I accepted.

Blake's face popped up on my screen and he was smiling at me. "Quit looking sad, I already had a house full of sad girls, I don't need more sadness." He torments me with his words, and they hurt.

They hurt worse than a tackle, or not making a good throw.

They hurt worse than a bad call from a ref on the field.

Then the camera flipped around, in his palm laid the necklace I gave to Naomi. I sighed, this was really it. "Want me to mail it for you?" He asked as I cleared my throat.

I was slow to answer.

I shook my head. "Nah man—keep it. Put it somewhere so if she ever needs it, it's there. I want her to always know I'm there." I state as he chuckles. The camera flips back around. I lean back into the in-home movie theater chairs.

"You're always there huh? Makes sense as to why you would block the poor thing on everything she could possibly contact you on." He argues as I squint my eyes.

"Blake—you're playing both sides of the playing field right now. Buddy, let's just calm down." I suggest as he snickers. "You want me to calm down! After you just left me in this mess? You expect me to just sit and watch her destroy herself because of you?" He asks in frustration.

I shake my head.

"That is not what I wanted at all. I wanted life to go back the way it was for her—she needed to get back on the track she was going on, for her future." I clarify as he rolls his eyes.

"Metz almost didn't pass her today—asshole." I stare at him through the phone.

"But she passed her?" I ask for clarification. He nodded, good—so my tactics did work. I smirked as Blake looked at me in confusion.

But, I wasn't fessing up. It wasn't my secret to tell unless she didn't pass Naomi.

"Did she get my note?" I ask as he winces. "Yeah. Bawled like a baby in my arms for a half an hour. On your bedroom floor." He stated, every word slicing through me.

"You need to come back." He states as I shake my head, almost immediately.

He gave me the evil eyes, "Matti—you must come back." He repeats as I chuckle.

"Blake, I left her for a reason. You don't have to be there for her if you don't want to be, the girls will pick up her pieces. You don't always have to be the nice guy. She just needs time to live, and be happy without the stress of my life adding to it." I explain as he ponders my words.

"Absolutely nothing would bring you back?" He asks as I sigh.

"I'm not answering that. I just—I don't know yet. I want to see her succeed, I don't want to ruin it for her." I continue as he shakes his head. "You're so blind and you can't even see it. She was prepared to not even be a nurse anymore if it meant being with you today—you need to come back to her dude. Get your head out of the clouds, Matti. She loves you and you love her." He lectures me as I sit in silence.

I focus on the room around me.

The 100 inch screen, playing all of my highlights from high school and college. The rows of recliners and couches, designed for comfort. The lights dim, making me feel comfortable and safe.

"Matti—she can't do life without you at this point. Do you really think she deserves to lose another person she loves?" He asks as I shake my head.

But in the moment I was in I just wanted to do the best I could for the girl that had nothing. Naomi Black was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was put in the right mentality because of her.

There was no more Matti mentality.

It was just Matti Williams, being the true actual Matti Williams—because she had brought out the good in me.

"Blake, I'm not coming back buddy. She needs herself at this moment, more than she needs me. I need to find myself again—" He cuts me off.

"I swear to god—don't do some stupid shit. Don't you dare contact anyone that used to supply us, don't do that shit. I'll beat the fuck out of you Matti. You're much better than what we used to do." He spat at me as I listened, open-eared.

I wasn't going back to drugs or alcohol.

I worked way too hard to throw it away on that.

"You're making a big mistake dude." He finished as I sighed, removing my hand that my chin was leaning on. I bit my lip, "Yeah, I know." I stated and then ended the call.

I had to go back to my roots—I had to find myself again. WIthout her.

I would never forget the girl that changed everything for me. She was the first thing I wanted that I couldn't have, and she taught me so many lessons.

I got up from the theater and made my way back upstairs to my room, avoiding all of the contact the staff was trying to make with me. I opened my bedroom door and shut it behind me.

I walked over to my bag and pulled out Mimi's collar. I set it on top of the dresser, staring at it. I walked over to the windows, and opened the curtains, letting the moonlight flow in. But the moonlight was glaring at me.

I walked back over to my bed and laid on top of the covers. I was deep in thought. She will be taking her nursing exam tomorrow and I will miss it. But it was for the better—all of her hard work was about to pay off.

And the fact that Metz almost didn't pass her, not smart for someone like me to know she was fucking a student.

So I used that as leverage.

Thank god for that leverage or Naomi wouldn't have passed.

I left early this morning—so early that the sun hadn't risen, yet but I knew that she would be getting ready.

I twirled my thumbs in my hands.

She would be so happy and so at peace now that she came to the terms that she was going to be a nurse. She was having her happy ending and her dreams were finally coming true.

There was no one that deserved a happy ending more than Naomi Black did.

And deep down that thought ruined me because I knew I was adding on to that trauma by leaving her today.

I felt horrible, so I left after sitting outside of her apartment building. I watched as she woke up and turned on her bedroom light, her windows open, and she had no idea what she was about to go through.

What I was about to put her through.

And that was the worst part of it all.

"Matti? Can I come in?" My mothers voice was heard from outside the door. I chuckled, sitting up on the bed. It was nine at night—since when was she home on a weeknight at that time?

"Yeah mom." I called out as she turned the knob pushing the door open.

She gave me a small smile as she walked over to the edge of the bed sitting on it.

"You okay?" She asks as I give her a small shrug with a smile. I don't know how to express my feelings to people like my mom and dad, I had never been that close with them.

Not close enough to show the weakness I was feeling inside at this moment.

"You came home without NJ?" She asks and I automatically wince, not expecting her to ask that. She sucks in a breath—looking down. "You guys ended it then?" She asked me, but I had a feeling she already knew.

I sighed, nodding.

She frowned, reaching her arm out to rub my hand.

"What happened?" She asked as I chuckled. "So much," I shake my head with my words.

She tilted her head as I sighed. "Rob and Naomi's dad—Karla too, decided to threaten Naomi about her future if she doesn't leave Blake and I alone so she left us alone, but I just don't want to ruin it for her, and I can't be without her so I had to be the one to leave." I explained as she slowly nodded.

"So you left her?" She asks as I nod. She bites her lip and looks down at the bed, wiping at the comforter.

"When I met your dad—he was this great guy. Then he became money hungry and I had to quit everything I ever wanted to be who he wanted me to be." I frowned at her words because it was true, I remembered it.

"I was so jealous of him—he was able to do what he wished while he threw money at me—trying to fix our problems. But, now that you're older we can talk about this." She chuckled, but I don't know if I wanted to know about this.

"I'm proud of you for giving her something that I wish your father had been able to give me." She patted my leg before climbing out of the bed. She stood up and reached in her pocket, holding something back at me and I raised an eyebrow.

"Mom..." I led off—she smiled at me. She had a sad smile on her face while nodding.

"Take it—I want you to have it, just in case." She held the tiny sapphire gem in her hands as I looked at it in shock.

"That's grandma's engagement ring and yours!" I exclaimed as she chuckled. "Yeah, but I won't have a daughter to give it to until you let me have one. No pressure or anything— was giving it to you whether you brought NJ home with you or not." She explained as I frowned.

"Whatever girl you marry—she will be very lucky." She states as I smile at her.

"And she should be counting her lucky stars if it's not NJ wearing that ring on her finger—because without NJ, I know you wouldn't be even considering marriage." She reached over, opening my hand and placed the engagement ring into my hand. She closed my fist tightly, kissing my rough knuckles.

She gave me a small smile before walking away, heading towards the door.

"Hey mom—" I called out as she was halfway through exiting. She stopped and turned around, smiling at me. "Thanks—for everything." I spoke as she smiled at me. Nodding and then turning around, closing the door behind her.

I stared at the ring in my hand—it was a representation of my heart. My whole entire fucking heart was in my palm at this moment.

It ruined me to know that the one person that should be wearing this ring wouldn't be because of my choices within the last twenty four hours.

But as mom said, she would be able to do what she loves.

Without me holding her back.

I sighed, I know that after her—she would always be that girl to me. The girl that will always have my heart no matter how much we change in the next few months and years. We had been through too much and grown together.

I could always move on to a new girl, but she would never ever be Naomi Black.

I hopped up from my bed and walked over to my dresser—to Mimi's collar, sliding the engagement ring on it, then locking the collar back up.

In another lifetime I guess.

I walked back over to my phone, ripping it off the bed and pulling up my contacts list. I sighed, I was so sleazy.

I opened my Instagram and clicked on my direct messages—finding the name I wanted and then typing.

Hey Kenzie, are you home for winter break? If so, me too. Lmk if you wanna slide.

And then I pressed send.

To get over; to get under.

Naomi Black

Tuesday December 16th.

I was ready. I gripped my keyboard and mouse, at the edge of my seat. I had stayed up all night, and I was living off of the fuel of caffeine. All of my hard work had paid off and I was about to find out if I had studied the right amount for doing my dream job.

A pediatric nurse.

God—I sure hoped so.

"Did it come in yet?" Sloane asked, banging on my door. I chuckled, I was waiting for another thirty seconds before opening the results on my screen. I just needed thirty more seconds to prepare myself for the outcomes I could face.

Yes or No.

"Not yet!" I called back, the three of the girls groaning on the other side of the door.

Today had been a better day, I had something to finally take my mind off of what had been crushing me, but I knew at the end of the day he was still the first person I wanted to celebrate these results with.

Fifteen seconds and I imagined every struggle I had gone through in my life—including the one I was in right now.

Every tear I had produced was going to be wiped away by this moment. I couldn't control the way life took me, but I could control the direction I was going in with my education.

Ten seconds and I was taking in deep breaths.

Everything would surround this moment. My future—my kids' futures, my husband's futures. It would all surround this moment.

A simple yes or no.

Five seconds and I squeezed Mimi.

My bestest friend who has been there for me through everything. She had now met every single person that I had loved and lost. But she stuck through it all with me, and now we were about to go on a new adventure together.

I took in a shaky breath and hit the "Show results" button.

The page loaded and I froze.

Reading the results.

Rereading the results.

Rereading the rereading of the results.

And then I let out a blood curdling scream, my door flying open—the girls rushing in and Mimi flying off of my bed.

I stand up on my bed—jumping!

"Naomi Black RN reporting for duty at the children's hospital!" I screamed as they all froze before jumping around and screaming with me.

And at that moment—I wasn't thinking about Matti. I was thinking about myself and how proud I was. All of my hardwork and heartbreak had paid off.

The start of my happy ending would be without Mattison Williams.

"Oh my god! I have to tell Blake!" I jumped off my bed, running for my phone, but a throat cleared amongst the madness. I look over to the open doorway to see the tall, muscular big brother of mine with a huge smile on my face.

And in that moment I knew that mom hadn't sent Matti to me after all—he was just fate.

Mom had sent Blake to me, because we were the same person. Same two lonely people that no one could understand, but we understood each other.

Blake Day was my brother and I loved him.

Hey besties,

300,000.

I can't thank you guys enough.
I love you.
I love you more than words.

Have a good day/night wherever you are in the world!
Also— did you