Eccendenteisast

Background color
Font
Font size
Line height

(n.)

Someone who hides pain behind a smile.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning  the two young ones were a silent mess.

Y/N had woken up earlier than Jisung and had silently crept out of his embrace. Her shirt was ruffled, creases lining it making it look like an old wrinkled shirt. Her hair was a wild mess and she was barely awake when she had walked out of the living room.

She trudged up the staircase with a heavy heart, not wanting to think about last night's events. Honestly speaking, she had no idea what to feel about it. 

It felt right but, it also felt so wrong. She felt like she as a mess but, she also felt a part of her feeling relieved that she had one lesser burden to carry on her shoulder. 

Sure, there was the fear of her old group tracking her so that they could make whatever of her life left miserable.

But, then again, when has she ever had a somewhat normal and happy life? 

At this point, it would even be a blessing if she got to take a day off to think through everything. 

Oh who was she kidding! 

There was no way she was going to spend a day off to regret all her life decisions so far. She would probably binge-watch something or just eat the whole day. She would have slept the whole day but, she really would not be able to do that.

Especially with all her nightmares and even better, her insomnia. 

She had tried to take a long warm shower to wash away her worries. Yet, the shower only lasted so long. She felt so pressured just standing there under the shower head, feeling the water just cascade down her shoulder blades and her spine. The satisfying feeling of water trickling down her body not feeling as exhilarating and refreshing as before. Now, it just felt like another extra duty that she was compelled to follow everyday.

It came to the point where even the slight trail of red water from her body, dripping onto the tiled bathroom floor did not even faze her anymore. She just could not be bothered anymore. 

Everything was so much more easier before she met them. Sure, she suffered a lot more physically but, she definitely had forgotten what it was like to suffer mentally. 

These people had made feel wanted yet, unwanted at the same time. She had cleared air with Doyoung a while back but, it seemed like Taeyong refused to get off her back. It was so much more easier when all she had to do was get her target, go to the venue and eliminate her target.

Three easy steps that she followed dutifully. Now, it seemed like there were a lot more distractions and obstacles in her path and just way too many steps to follow.

If this is what being with them felt like, she did not know if she quite wanted this anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~

The elephant in the room was making her heart beat a little faster than before and her palms sweat a lot more than they already were as she entered the kitchen.

She thought, just maybe, she would have slept in today. 

Guess, even the tiniest of the wishes are too hard to ask for now.

A part of her felt grateful that neither Taeyong nor her were willing to talk about what happened a few nights ago. Yet, that part of her that did want to, just could not bring herself to stand in front of him with that same aura that she might have once radiated.

If the other members did notice the anticipation that hung thickly in the room, they did a good job at not saying anything about it. The others were constantly on their toes, trying to distract themselves or attempting to not say anything to incite any sort of unwanted reactions from the two.

One by one, all the members had begun to take their places in the dining room. Instead on continuing to sit at any place that they wanted for the week, everyone sat at their usual spots and refrained from talking.

Never had they ever felt so awkward while eating throughout their whole time in the gang.

Jisung kept glancing at Y/N from time to time to make sure that she was doing fine after last night. He would send her smiles every now and then, making sure that she was eating her meal properly. Each time Y/N would send her own smile his way or nod to show her gratitude towards him.

Something changed last night. Y/N and Jisung had stopped seeing each other in a bad light. If anything, they knew that they had now definitely established the foundation for friendship between them. 

But, was it really friendship that had blossomed between them?

After breakfast, everyone started dispersing toward their own venue. Those in charge of combat were making their way towards the arena while some of the older members like Taeyong, Doyoung and Taeil headed towards the direction of the meeting room, probably to assign yet another assignment. 

Some went out of the house for external activities like getting new weapons or just to hang out outside. Others went to the lounge area to play games or maybe watch a movie in the movie room right next to it.

Y/N had wanted to be alone for the whole day. Hence, she made her way to the room where she locked it, preventing anyone from coming inside.

For about an hour or so, she had spent her time reading the books in her room or rearranging her room. Yet, she felt so suffocated for that hour that she knew she had to get out of this house as soon as she could.

So, that is what she did. She unlocked her room and made her way to the garage to get a car. Growing up meant that she finally received a driver's license. And, the perks of being in the mafia was that you were taught to drive at a very young age to save your life in any situation.

She took the least flashiest car that she could find in the garage to prevent attention from being attracted to her when she drove in public. It was not too hard to find a car like that because it seemed that this group thought things through. 

It was no wonder that they were such a feared gang.

Taking the key from the compartment in the garage, she opened unlocked the car door and before anyone knew it, she was off to somewhere in this world.

~~~~~~~~~~

She aimlessly drove around for two hours or so, here and there. She saw people enjoying themselves in the city. So many families having a good time. Cafes and restaurants packed with customers. It was when she had seen a little child relentlessly tugging on his mother's shirt, pulling her in the direction of a ice cream stand that she finally had a destination in mind.

It was not too far from where she was so she reached there in about forty-five minutes. She parked the car next to some of the others there too and stepped out of it, with the bouquet of flowers that she had bought from a floral shop.

She stretched her body a bit that was exhausted from having driven for so long. She breathed in the fresh air, refreshed from the smell of moss and rain. It was a change from the normal metallic pungent smell of blood that she was used to smelling most of the time.

It had been more than a decade since she had been here. She was going to turn nineteen in about less than two months' time. 

Rows of gravestones stood in the glory of the rays of the sun. She could see a few people from the peripheral vision of her eyes, some kneeling down and others sobbing. Some seemed to be happy while sharing some precious moments with their beloved. 

Some stones were cracked while others seemed to be fairly recent with the marble reflecting the rays of the sun. Most though were grown and unkempt for. There were withering floral tributes that Y/N observed placed in front of several gravestones as her feet lightly treaded over the soil.  Writings on several gravestones had begun to fade away. There were hardly tributes for some of them as even the ones left to mourn for them had joined them beneath the ground or above in the sky.

She remembered looking at one with the writing, "Jack, a boy who loved his fried chicken more than anything in this world but, lesser than his Rose." She had let a small chuckle escape her throat when she read the first few words before growing soft at the last few. His "Rose" gravestone had been placed right next to him with a beautiful writing, "His Rose, the girl who was loved more than his fried chicken because she made him happier." 

How could a place so full be so empty at the same time? 

Finally, after a few twists and turns along the rows of gravestones, she finally found the one that she had been searching for. 

Sophia Rose Hayes

14 April 1972 -  24 February 2004

In the loving memory of a woman who dreamt of nothing but, her little pumpkin growing to become the most wonderful daughter in this world. To her pumpkin, never let the flame die in you. I will always be looking out for you.

"Well, I guess, you never got to see that happen right." Y/N mumbled wistfully thinking how life would have been like if she had lived.

Placing the bouquet of flowers in front of her gravestone, Y/N muttered a few prayers before taking a seat right in front of her gravestone.

"Hi Sophia. How have you been? The last time I came her was when I was eight, I guess." She tried recalling the last time she had been here. She briefly saw some flashes of her memory when she was eight.

"Remember that lady who brought me here to visit you? Well, she should have joined you days ago. I hope you got the chance to meet her."

"Sorry, if I sound hesitant and awkward while speaking to you. I haven't really met you before. I vaguely remember sir telling me that during the 6 days that you spent with me, knowing fully well that you wouldn't be able to make it, you spoke to me about cherishing food and how to always speak my mind. It's funny how you told me such big things when I had barely learnt to function properly as a child out of the womb." Y/N let a smile take over her face, her voice nostalgic.

"I wished you had lived longer than those 6 days. Kara might have been an amazing friend and a wonderful mother figure to me but, a part of me could never bring myself call her mom. I felt like in a way that title belonged to you only even though you left me here all by myself. Maybe I should have called Kara mom all this time. I guess I regretted it a lot when she died in my arms. Do you know how painful it was to see someone you love die in your arms? Maybe that's what sir felt like when you died in his." Y/N lamented.

"Anyways, Kara's death brought a lot of change into my life. I don't know whether it is a good change for me. I met another gang, NCT. They are quite feared by everyone. A weird combination of boys but, they make it work for some reason. I went on my first assignment with them yesterday and it was pretty eventful..." From there onwards, Y/N spilled whatever she had kept for the past almost 11 years of her life to a woman she had never met.

She spent hours at the cemetery, recounting all the torture she had suffered and the amount of hate she had received.She sobbed along the way, she laughed while sharing memories and blushed whenever she mentioned anything regarding Jisung. 

"Lately, Jisung and I, have grown closer as friends? I don't really quite know what to label us. I would say friends. I hated him when I first met him. He was such a brat and so annoying. Though, over time, I grew to hate him lesser and lesser. He started helping me a lot more. Last night, he held me in his arms while I cried. Today, he kept checking on me to make sure I was alright during breakfast. Is this what friends do for each other? I have never had one before so I don't really know whether this is what friendship is like."

"Enough about me, what about you? I don't know anything about you. I have always wondered, why did you keep your last name? Why didn't you change your last name to sir's one? How long had you known about sir being in a mafia? How did you come to accept such a ruthless person? I  only remember seeing the nice side of him until I was like five. Things started changing after that."

"But, I guess you wouldn't know. You were never there anyways." The bitterness in her tone could have pierced Sophia's heart had she been there in front of her.

"Again, sorry if I sound bitter. I really need to let out whatever I have felt for the whole of my life right. Just because, I told you about my life today doesn't mean that I hate you any lesser. Okay, maybe a tiny bit lesser. In my defence though, I would have gone to Kara but, I don't whether they buried her and if they did, I don't know where her gravestone might be."

" I know you must be wondering why I came to visit you after so long. I am tired. Tired of everything and anything in this world at this moment. I just needed someone to listen to me as  I poured my heart out. I guess I also owed it to you for bringing me into this world. What better way than to pour it out to the dead, am I right? " Y/N retorted sarcastically.

She had always been envious of people who had a complete family while growing up as a child. The society used to mock her for never having a mother and she would always end up crying after that. After sometime, she just gave up caring and thought that she was better-off without a mother.

"In a way though, I am grateful for you. Not for abandoning me but, for making me independent. I did end up growing up earlier than I would have expected. I got into the business way earlier than I should have. Maybe if you were here, I would have been able to pursue something else. But, it's okay because this is my life now. Thanks to you I became an independent person and I know how to support myself mentally and physically. The whole purpose of this visit was for me to forgive and forget. I do hate you but, not as much as I did before. I guess part of growing up means change is coming. You couldn't help it if your body was not strong enough for the both us."

I wish you had lived and I hadn't.

"Anyways, thank you for listening. I hope that wherever you are right now, you are in a better place and that in your next life, you have a family that will always be there for you. At least, one of us should be able to experience a happy life. I am going to try my best to forgive you for leaving but, it's going to take me some time because I need to learn to forgive myself first and the learn to trust myself before trusting anyone else. I know you would have been a pretty cool woman to have as a mother if you were alive. I do miss you." Her eyes started tearing up as she said this.

"Maybe, one day, we will be able to meet each other as friends or mother-daughter maybe. Until then."

Y/N wiped away the last few tears from her eyes using the sleeve of her shirt  before standing up to walk towards her car.

Opening up her car, she entered it and closed her eyes, taking a few moments to breathe.

Then, she let herself cry once again in the confinements of her car, away from the hungry eyes of the society. She did not know why she was crying this much yet, she could not help it. The tears kept flowing like a waterfall down her cheeks as she pulled on her hair. She needed to let it all out.

She was tired of keeping it all in. She was tired of suffering so much. She was tired of always hiding her emotions and of people leaving her. She wanted all this to end.

So, she decided to change. It was easier when she was by herself. She could not keep risking the lives of the members because of her past. 

In that split second, she made a decision. 

That she would become the old ruthless Y/N that she once was except, this time, she would make an effort to learn to fully forgive and trust herself before she let anyone else in again. 

And, that being a family would just have to wait.

~~~~~~~~~~

As she unlocked the door at 9p.m. , she was met with a flurry of questions.

"Where were you?" That question was directed at her the moment she walked through the door by none other than the great Taeyong.

"Here and there" She responded back, not in the mood to answer his question.

"I asked you a question." This time he sounded furious than before. His words were dripping with venom.

"Yeah and I answered it." Y/N answered, completely unfazed by his malicious tone.

"Do you know how worried everyone was?" Taeyong questioned her, trying to evoke some sort of emotion from her.

"I didn't ask for you guys to be worried about me." Y/N mumbled, praying that no one heard it.

Unfortunately, Lady Luck was not on her side today.

"Damn right you didn't ask for it. But, now we are responsible for your well-being." Johnny spoke this time round, getting more and more annoyed by every passing minute.

"Well, I'm sorry for making you so worried about me. I promise that it won't happen again." The words sounded so well-rehearsed like as if it were one of the most common things that she said every day. The strong conviction in her tone nearly fooled those who were present in the living room.

They nearly fell for the promise that she vowed to keep.

Keyword being nearly.

"Oh yeah like as if we are going to believe that crap." Taeyong retorted, clearly having enough of Y/N's attitude.

If she wanted to play like this then fine, they were going to play like this too.

"What's with this attitude? I thought you had begun to change. Why bring back the old you Y/N?" Doyoung tried speaking to her gently, hoping that he could coax her into answering them properly.

"Sorry Doyoung but, this has always been the way I have been. Just because I had my guards down being new in the gang doesn't mean that I was going to stay like that forever. All of you should have known that this was bound to have happened."

"Oh sure. We only wanted you to fit in. If Kara had never asked us for this stupid favour, we would have never even brought you here in the first place."  Taeyong spewed out whatever he could think of in that moment.

"Hyung, maybe we should forget about this right now and instead leave this conversation for another day? Yeah, let's go." Mark spoke nervously, his eyes darting back and forth to see whether Y/N had heard that little slip-up of his.

It seems like she did because that is what she asked right after that.

"What favour?" She asked cautiously, looking at those present in the room. Currently, only the older members and Mark were present. The rest were all out for external lessons or on assignments.

Upon realising his slip-up, Taeyong closed his eyes, trying to think of ways to get Y/N off his back. He massaged his temples, trying to think of a way to avoid this mess that he had accidentally created.

"I asked what favour! " Y/N demanded furiously this time, having enough of secrets being kept from her.

"Your dad wants you dead." 

Yuta's words echoed throughout the whole room as silence enveloped it. No one actually expected someone to reveal the truth. Most of them had been occupied with racking their brains to come up with a believable lie.

 Y/N could only hear the ringing of Yuta's words in her head.

Your dad wants you dead.

Your dad wants you.

Your dad wants.

Your dad.

Your.

Dead.

"He's not my dad." Y/n spat the very first thing that she could think of when she recomposed herself,

You are reading the story above: TeenFic.Net