two hours later - august 30, 2020

after telling billie that i'd think about her offer, we went inside and decided to watch the office while she chowed down on a bag of takis.

i pull the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands and chew on my bottom lip. my eyes had been glued to the screen, but my brain was somewhere else. that somewhere else being how i'd pull off doing chemo while on tour.

i looked up at the clock before letting out a soft sigh and climbing out off of the sofa.

"where are you going?" billie asks, her eyebrows furrowing as she looks up at me.

"i need to make a quick phone call," i tell her as i lean over the back of the couch, placing my lips against hers in a gentle peck.

she has other plans, however, as she pulls my face closer to hers. she cups my cheeks in her hands, the red residue of the takis still on her fingers, and deepens the kiss as quickly as she could.

"bil," i murmur against her lips, my breathing becoming labored and fast.

"baby, stay with me," she whispers into the kiss, her teeth catching my lip.

"its an important call," i mumble, my hands tangling into her hair slowly as she pulls my body over the sofa.

"and this is an important kiss," she grunts, gripping my hips as she pulls me to straddle her spread legs.

"it'll take five minutes," i say, reluctantly pulling away from her addicting kiss. "and then we can continue."

she lets out a childish whine, watching me as i stand from her lap. "please let this be the fastest five minutes ever."

"it will be," i murmur as i lean down to tug her bottom lip between my teeth teasingly. "i promise."

pulling away from her traveling hands, i make my way into the bathroom, pulling my phone out of my back pocket and locking the door.

i sit on the edge of the bathtub and scroll through my contacts, finding my oncologist's phone number. i tap on the contact, and then the little green phone button, before pressing the phone to my ear.

"doctor saratogan's office,"

"yes, hi, my name is dr. gwendolyn dené, and i need to speak to dr. saratogan - its urgent." i say softly, pinching my bottom lip between my index finger and thumb.

"please hold,"

my knee bounces quickly as anxiety starts to form in my chest.

two minutes later, i hear the familiar voice of the oncologist. "gwendolyn, are you alright?"

"i'm fine, i just have a question." i say quietly, my eyes trained on the door handle.

"hit me with it," she says.

"is it possible to switch my treatment from the IV to the pill?" i ask her in a mumble, facing away from the door just in case billie may be listening.

she lets out a deep sigh and a hum, "we can try it, but you'd need to be monitoring when switching so abruptly."

"my girlfriend asked me to travel with her for a few months," i say softly, shoving my hand through my hair roughly. "i don't want her to know about my treatments, but i want to spend the time that i have, with her."

"i understand," the doctor tells me. "if you come in tomorrow morning, we can see how your current treatment is working and go from there."

"that'd be great," i murmur, looking at the clump of loose hair in my hand. "what time?"

"eight?"

"i'll figure it out." i say with a hum. "thanks, doc."

thirteen hours later - august 31, 2020

7am

"billie," i whisper as i gently place my lips to her neck. "baby, wake up."

"no," she groans, pulling the blanket over her head. "go 'way."

"then give me your keys," i murmur into her ear, wrapping my arms around her bare waist. "and i'll wake you up properly when i get back."

"back pocket of my pants," she grumbles, turning over to look at me with her tired blue eyes. "don't fuck my baby up."

"i won't, i promise," i tell her softly, pressing my lips to her forehead as i climb out of bed. i pull on her white hoodie with graffiti art scattered over it.

"gwen," she whines, pulling herself to rest on her elbows. "i love you."

"i love you more." i tell her as i pull on a pair of sweatpants. i grab her pants from the floor and fish her kets out of the pocket. "i'll be home in a few hours."

"be safe, babe," billie mumbles before pulling the blanket over her head and rolling onto her stomach.

"always." i mumble as i grab my purse and a beanie and make my way out of the house.

twenty minutes later

7:35am

i shut the challenger off before making my way into the hospital though the main entrance. i take the elevator to the fourth floor and stare at my feet the entire time the small box moved through the elevator shaft.

i reach the fourth floor and pull the beanie further over my ears, walking straight to the nurse's station.

"i'm here to see doctor saratogan," i tell the nurse, chewing on my bottom lip nervously.

"she's currently in her office," the nice man tells me, his pearly white smile nearly blinding me in contrast to his darker skin. "you can go ahead and go back."

"thank you," i tell him with a slight smile before pulling my purse up on my shoulder and making my way to her office.

i knock three times on the door before hearing her call, "come on in, gwen!"

"thank you for seeing me on such short notice," i tell her, settling down in a chair in front of her desk. "i appreciate it."

"its no problem at all," she says softly, closing the folder in front of her. "i want to get you into a head CT scan, and see what progress you've made in the two treatments you've had; if its a significant change from your first CT, i'd like to schedule the craniotomy for sometime this week, that way you can go with your girlfriend."

"that sounds great," i say softly with a nod, my fingers twiddling in my lap. "the side effects have been hitting me hard, so i just want this to be over with."

"i understand that you want to switch to the pill form of chemo, instead of the IV." she says, folding her hands on the desk. "again, we won't talk about that until after your CT, but you need to know that it is an option, and the effects might hit you a little harder."

"i understand," i tell her, looking into her chocolate brown eyes. "i don't want to die yet, so the sooner we can get this shit over with, the better."

twenty minutes later, i'm on a hard table with a cage type thing over my face. i keep my eyes closed as the noise of the scanner around me hurt my ears.

"just remember to take deep breaths and stay as still as possible." doctor saratogan says into a microphone.

i keep my eyes closed as the noise gets louder, my body flinching just slightly with every creak of the machine.

once i'm out of the scanner and put in a room, i pull out my phone and scroll through instagram. my tags and mentions were blowing up, and i sigh in annoyance.

bilscarobsession

tagged: @billieeilish, @drgwendolyndene

liked by imsuckingbilliesass, icamecommitted, 1975billie, eyelashesforbil, and 407,582 others

bilscarobsession gwendolyn was spotted parking billie's car in front of a local hospital today in los angeles.

view all 427 comments

leavelimbo so billie lets her drive dragon??

ifuckwithtakisbro billie must really love this bitch

olanothola if she hurts that car i'll kill her myself

satansplaything still can't get over billie has an actual CAR

bilnblaise replied its literally been two years

ten minutes ago

i sigh deeply and lock my phone, hearing doctor saratogan, who i've learned has a first name of carlene, call me into her office once again.

"your CT looks okay," she says, holding the scan up to the light. "the mass does look a lot smaller than your first scan, but not quite small enough to operate."

i sigh deeply and fold my hands over my mouth. "so that means i have to be on these drugs longer than i thought."

"unfortunately, yes," she says sadly, setting the scan on her desk. "however, this does mean that we can get you on the pills instead of the IV."

"great," i murmur, wiping my cheeks of tears that i hadn't realized had fallen. "also, where can i get fitted for a wig?"

"there's a really nice place downtown," she tells me with a nod, jotting the address down on a post-it note. "its kind of on the pricey side, but if you tell them that i sent you, i'm sure they'll get you some kind of discount."

we discuss the medication plan before saying goodbye. she walks me to the elevator and places her hand on my shoulder.

"fill that prescription and make sure you take it at the exact same time every day - no exceptions."

"i will," i say softly, pulling the woman into a tight tug as tears once again fill my eyes. "thank you for taking care of me."

"thats what i get paid for," she says with a soft laugh, her cold hands rubbing my back comfortingly. "have fun on that tour, and keep in touch."

i make my way back down to billie's car, tears falling from my cheeks at a slow pace as i climb in. almost immediately, the car was surrounded by flashing cameras and screaming people. i pull my beanie down and wipe my cheeks quickly as i turn the car on and carefully back out of the parking space, speeding down the street.

the first stop was the pharmacy. i fill the prescription in the drive thru of a walgreens before making my way to the store carlene told me about.

as i climb out of the dodge once again, i triple check that i've locked the doors before practically running into the store.

the store smelled of burnt plastic and hair product. the variety of colorful wigs was slightly alarming, but the natural colored hair was neatly lined up on the back wall. i choose a loosely styled, all natural wig, and made my way to the counter.

"i was sent here by the doctor carlene saratogan," i say to the cashier, watching as the sickly looking man moved slowly to ring in my item. "she told me to tell you."

"i love that woman with my whole heart," the man says with a weak laugh, punching in a few numbers on the older register. "its gonna be $42.99."

"thats better than i thought it'd be." i say honestly, handing him my credit card.

"yeah, these things are expensive," he mumbles, placing the wig on a dummy before wrapping it neatly and placing it in a paper bag. he runs my credit card and hands it back to me before smiling brightly. "enjoy that hair - the girl who grew it spent years trying to grow it out."

"thank you," i say softly before leaving the store. i keep my head down and make my way back to billie's car, humming a random tune to myself as i climb in and buckle up.

the drive back to walgreens was spent in silence, besides the low hum of the engine and the soothing sound of the tires on the concrete.

i grab and pay for the prescription before making my back to my house, gnawing on my bottom lip the entire way.

what the fuck im getting so anxious for the ending AGAIN