Instead of resisting to changes

Surrender

Let life be with you not against you

If you think "My life will be upside down"

Dont worry

How do you know

down is not better than up

—Shams Tabrizi 

*****

"Shilpa, sorry to be disturbing you on your honeymoon, but I need help." A week since Murli's wedding, at six in the evening Advay groaned into his phone.

"Its alright Sir. Murli and I have taken a break from each other." Her lazy voice replied. "I was out on the pool, reading book anyways..."

"Why the fuck is the dungeon contacting me?" He groaned.

"Oh!" Her heard her shuffle before the phone crackled again. "Umm...A Elizabeth Conner wants your details...I redirected them to you."

"Lizzy Conner." He swore under his breath. "What the fuck does Lizzy want from me now? Tell her to bugger off. The contract was over a long while ago."

"Shall I ask them to withhold all information."

"Please...I don't want my ex subs and slaves contacting me." He glared at his reflection, annoyed his past was still haunting him.

"Oh, one more thing." She added. "Dom...Dominic Moore, he's put in an application..."

"I don't do men. And I'll never do Dom fucking Sub, he knows it...and where the fuck is he?"

"Erm." He heard her sigh. "This is the catch. Dom is starting a dungeon and wants your permission to display a picture of yours."

"Oh!"

"The dungeon contacts all masters for permission before their pictures are displayed. This is usual practice," she explained.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Whatever." He shrugged,

"Where the fuck is Dom by the way?" he asked again.

"He is with Elizabeth Conner these days....they are together starting a place"

"What? Oh! My fucking god. Are they together? What about Paul, her Dom?"

"I have no information, Sir, other than that he's with Conner, and plans on starting a dungeon and needs your permission to display your picture."

Advay pondered on that for a few moments. "Alright, sent a letter to the dungeon granting permission to use my picture. But ask them to withhold all personal information. I don't want to be found by Lizzy or Dom or any of my previous subs."

"Okay."

"Oh! And..."

"Yeah, Murli and I spent all morning going through your slave applications."

"And?"

"Nothing interesting, except a couple ultra-hilarious ones." She chuckled.

"Nothing that Murli thinks could be..." He massaged his head, disappointed yet again that there had been no luck.

"No...I can forward you..."

"Yeah, send them to me. Let me have a look."

"Be warned, a few of them a rather graphic."

"Get rid of the ones you know for sure can't be her....anything else that sparks suspicion send them over."

"Sir...I don't think she would...anyways."

"I can't lose hope, Shilpa. Please."

And as he continued talking to Shilpa, Shikha strode inside and began rummaging with his wardrobe.

He swore again...only just realising what day it was.

Once he bid Shilpa bye, he stood before his wardrobe and blew out all the breath in his lungs. "I'm not wearing a suit."

It was that dreadful date night finally. He was tired, he was exhausted, he had no will to live, let alone the will to fight his darling sister Shikha.

"You're not going on a date in a dhoti." Scowling at him, Shikha pulled out a tie.

"I'm not wearing a suit. I won't repeat myself again." He glared at her this time. 

"What do you want Shikha?" He crossed his hands across his chest.

"I don't know who Dev was. I only know my Advay Jijaji, and I want my Jiju back."

"Dev died with his mother," he choked. "And your Jijaji drowned that morning with your sister.....as of me," he continued. "I don't who I am. I shouldn't even be here anymore. I should be with my wife....in whichever realm she is in."

"No. You are here now. And we want you to be happy." She put back the tie and held a pair of blue jeans instead. "And this date will put things in perspective, and help you find out who you are now."

"Shikha." He sighed heavily.

"Will this jeans do?"

"Shikha listen. I have never dated anyone. You don't understand how difficult...this vanilla....just forget it."

"This white shirt with the blue jeans it is then." She laid out the clothes and then chose his belt.

"I'm not wearing that belt."

"But it matches...."

"I don't care." He snapped. "I won't wear that belt with anyone but my wife."

"Jijaji." Shikha snapped to. "Enough now! Teek hai? Bohut ho gaya....I miss my sister too. But this is what it is. She's gone. But we must live on."

"I don't want to." He snapped.

"You will." Veer's stern voice filtered from the door.

Advay threw back his head and groaned.

"You will for that kidney of mine that is in your body." Veer glared at his brother. "I own you. Your life is mine now. You have no rights whatever, but to do whatever that Shikha and I want you to do."

"I have no rights?"

"You flung a innocent five year old from a running train, Bhai. You HAVE no rights."

"Stop it." Advay snapped, annoyed at how everyone had stared emotionally blackmailing him.

"Chalo Jiju, get dressed. Don't make me do it for you."

"You will what......."

"Haan."

While Veer pounced on his brother and held him, Shikha began unbuttoning his kurta.

"Stop it. What is the matter with you two?" Advay gasped, but instead of fighting them back, he broke into a laugh at his adorable siblings, and their desperate need to get him to move on.

But when Shikha continued releasing his buttons, he yelled, "Alright! Alright! I'll get dressed."

Snickering, Shikha and Veer chuckled at each other in victory and left Advay to get changed.

___

Twenty minutes had passed since Advay had sat opposite a blushing Jhanvi at the roof-top restaurant at the Sheraton. He'd been here a few times over the months, usually with his family for dinner, or with Sid and Karan.

But every time he'd been, it had reminded him of Chandini and of that time when PP had got her here for a date, and of how later there had been a gang war outside and her abductor had come back to hurt her.

"I've handed in my notice."

Jhanvi's soft whisper brought him back.

"Hmm...sorry?"

"I've handed my in notice. I'm quitting."

"What?" He raised a brow, stunned at her decision.

"I'm done with this..." She sighed. "This wasn't what I'd wanted anyways. I got into Civil services thanks to Param, and he couldn't.......anyways."

But with his thoughts lost to Chandini, Advay kept his gaze to the menu. He knew what he wanted, yet he flicked through the pages just so he didn't have to indulge in small talk.

"Pink roses this time." She touched the roses beside her and smiled. "You are getting better."

"Oh! That...no. Shikha....she got it." He sighed.

Jhanvi smiled too, before asking, "Is Murli back?"

"Hmm...No. Next week." The waiter turned up thankfully, and he ordered his usual Thali with a paneer kofta as his choice of vegetable. And a moong dal halwa this time for a dessert, along with the usual strawberry cheesecake.

"Where did they go?" Jhanvi ordered a south indian thali with an extra portion of curd rice, before lifting her gaze to Advay.

"Maldives." He forced a smile. "It was Karan's wedding present."

"Wow!" She lifted her coy gaze to him. "Have you been there?"

"Maldives?" He frowned. "Yes....once. Its a good place. At one time I'd planned on taking my wife there....She'd have loved it." He chuckled. "You know they have these luxury huts built upon the sea, with a hole in the floor, revealing the sea beneath. Its a beauty, given the sea is quite shallow. Like a natural pool in the middle of the room. I know my Chandini would have sat there with her feet dangling in the..."

"Isn't it meant to be a romantic place?"

"Maldives? Yes."

"Were you there with one of your subs?"

"What? No." He chuckled. "This one time I was flying back in Karan's plane from Singapore. We had to stop-over to re-fuel. I had a choice between Mumbai and Maldives. I chose Maldives, given I wasn't ready to return to India. And spent a night there....thats all."

"Private jet?" As their dinner arrived, she raised her brow. "Don't we all know what kind of things go on on a private jet?"

"Sorry?"

"You're telling me you've never done it on a private jet?"

"What?" He chuckled. "No...gosh no. Karan is a thorough professional. There is no way he would tolerate any kind of misbehaviour with his staff."

As she continued raising her brow, he sighed. "As of me, before meeting my wife, I never touched a woman without a contract explicitly defining what we did and where and how. And now....there is no question."

"So you've never done it with random women."

"No. God no!" The thought disgusted him. "I cannot with anyone from outside my lifestyle. I have peculiar tastes....and to be honest only my slave now can fulfil my demands."

"And you're not willing to train any new slaves?"

"No...Jhanvi." He clutched to his key, struggling to explain how he was now forever bound to his slave, to his Chandini.

Thankfully their food arrived, and he ate in silence, while his thoughts raced back to Chandini again, thinking of what he'd have been doing had it been a date night with his wife. Firstly he'd have chosen her clothes. Sheraton was quite an upbeat place, he'd had made her wear a short dress. A little black dress would have been prefect, he smirked at that thought. And then he'd have made her wear a vibrating panty, with a remote that he'd have had full control upon. The thought of her squirming and pleading at him with her beautiful eyes flashed before him and he chuckled, thinking of how he'd have then manipulated her to do his bidding once he'd have her teetering at the edge of an orgasm.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Huh!" He snapped his eyes to Jhanvi again, only just realising where he was, and with whom.

"You look lost."

"Umm." He chuckled. "I don't know what to say."

"Say anything." She laughed nervously too. "I know this is awkward. It been a long while since I went out on a date."

Advay held her gaze for a couple of beats, but broke into a laugh. "Been a long time....I've never been on a date. Ever. I have no idea how any of this is done." And had it not been for Shikha he could have been at home gazing at his wife's picture.

"Don't tell me you've never taken a woman out to dinner?"

"I have, either business dinners, or dinners where I discussed my contract with my subs." He shrugged. "Those were all formal setting."

"And your slaves?"

"My slave?" His features brightened at that thought. "Umm...yes, but its a Master taking his slave out dinner. Nothing you people in the vanilla world would understand."

"Try me." She sat up. "Tell me how this evening would have been different had you taken your slave for dinner."

"What? Jhanvi....its a..."

"I'm just curious."

He blew out a sigh, but the thought of having his Chandini out of dinner tonight was so soothing, he wanted to indulge himself to that idea. "Umm.....she'd be wearing what I'd lay for her. Maybe a little black dress."

"I don't wear dresses." Jhanvi was quick to reply. "We are modern but not that modern."

"Chandini is a Mahant's daughter." He glared at her. "A Mahant's wife. My mothers Bahu. And speaking of modern ideas, you don't have the right to preach or judge, especially given how forward you were for a seventeen year old."

As Jhanvi shifted comfortably, Advay's eyes turned ice cold. "As of my slave, she will wear what I ask her to. Modern or otherwise....if she was here right now, and I commanded her to strip, she would.....she must, or she knows what kind of punishment awaits her. And trust me....my punishments are not for the faint-hearted."

"You are a sick man." She clenched her jaw. "I know the kind of sick things you are capable of."

"Perhaps I am. But my wife earned her collar." He touched the key around his neck. "And I own a beautiful slave."

"Owned," she snapped with hate. "You owned a slave, who unable to bear your disgusting ways killed herself. So stop preaching or taking pride in your sick depraved ways."

On an average day he would have snapped, but he wasn't up for arguments anymore. Besides everything she was accusing him of was true.

So he kept his gaze to his place and sighed as he licked the last of the cheesecake, thankful the dinner had finally come to an end.

Yet, as his gaze moved to a table at the corner of the restaurant, he couldn't help think of that time when he'd made Chandini come in the middle of the restaurant.

She had been wearing a pretty peach lace dress that evening, her collar glittering around her neck, and her hair had been fluttering all over his chest, as he'd pushed his fingers deeper into her, and had commanded her to let go.

He couldn't help chuckle at how red faced she'd turned when the waiter had placed their meal in front of them just as she'd come apart while biting into his shoulder. He still had her lipstick mark on the white shirt he'd worn that night, which he sometimes kissed.

Yet, she hadn't complained, instead she had blushed, telling him later that it had been one of the most thrilling experiences of her life.

His lifestyle had never pushed her to what she had done. His decision to send her away had...he knew. Or maybe it was a mix of many reasons that he was still unable to fully comprehend.

"You look different in casuals." Jhanvi spoke again, making him shift his gaze to her. "I've almost never seen you in jeans since when you were a student."

"Hmm...I wear them sometimes. My wife loved me in casuals too...but she liked me better in a dhoti......it was her...."

"Do you like my saree?" she quickly asked.

"Umm...." He frowned at the green saree. "Its...its good."

"Anything else, Sir." He was thankful when the waiter come up.

"A parcel of a pista falooda, and the bill please." He smiled.

"My god, you do love your desserts, don't you?" Jhanvi laughed, when the waiter left.

"Sorry?" He hadn't been listening to her again. His thoughts were forever lost upon Chandini. The sight of the dal, had trigged back memories. Although he had painstakingly mixed the dal and rice with his hands exactly like how Chandini liked it, he had choked on every morsel, the food tasting like nothing more than cardboard.

"You had a moong dal halwa. A strawberry cheesecake. A mango lassi and now this Pista falooda."

"Oh!" He chuckled. "My Chandini would have ordered a mango lassi. That was for her." He smiled wistfully. "As of Pista falooda, thats her favourite dessert. I always got a parcel for her from here every time I passed this place. I still do. Its become a habit now."

"Will you be eating it?"

"Hmm...later tonight, gazing at the moon." That was where he met her now. In the cool soothing rays of the moonlight. He'd sip on the falooda tonight, thinking of how her eyes would have lit up had she been in his arms, licking the spoon he'd hold up for her.

She finally sighed. "I thought she was nothing more than a slave....but ...I mean, we've barely spoken about anything but her."

As his gaze shifted to the full moon, her words were lost upon him again. Chandini's face was flashing before his eyes now. He just wanted to see her eyes light up again. He wanted to gaze at her to his heart's content. He wanted to feel her hair slip through his fingers again. And he wanted to rub his thumb against her lip and suck on it in leisure. He wanted to hear her voice just one more time. Wanted her to say Jee...wanted her to call him Devaaa....He missed her so much. Pressing the heel of his palm into his eyes, he sniffled back his tears.

"Dev, are you okay?"

"I'm sorry Jhanvi..." he choked. "I didn't want to come tonight. But I cannot refuse Shikha. I am sorry...."

After a few more moments of awkward silence, she whispered. "But don't you think its time to move on...May not be with me. But ...don't you think."

"Move on to where?" He chuckled ruefully. There was only one place he could move on to now. But a tiny ray of hope still flickered in his heart. What if she was still alive somewhere out there ....and it was for this what if...that he had allowed himself to breathe for all these months.

"You don't look half the man you once were." She gazed at him with pity. "You look alright. Yet, your eyes."

"Hmm..." He pinched his brows. "My wife once complained my eyes weren't blank enough for her liking. I hope they are up to her liking now."

Leaning back into his chair, he closed his eyes and waited for his order. There was nothing to look forward to now. Barren landscape, he chuckled at how Chandini had once described heartbreak. He was now trapped in that barren void, waiting for her to come release him.

"Can I ask you a question, Dev?" she finally whispered.

"Hmm." He nodded with a sigh.

"All those years ago......did we? Did you? I.." she choked. "I feel like a fool sometimes."

After a few more minutes of silence, Advay blew another heavy sigh. "All I can say is it was nothing more than a teenage crush."

"But you were...you." She bit into her lip. "You wanted us to go to Cambridge together. You had plans for us...for you and me. And then that rose you gave me....And even when I kissed you....you kissed me back....You cannot deny we didn't have anything between us."

But Advay's gaze was lost on the table at the end of the restaurant. This place had so many memories of his wife. His thoughts were now lost upon that night when PP had bought Chandini here for a date.

It had been right after how he'd broken her heart that morning after their perfect first time. He remembered how she had coyly gazed at him despite being furious with him.

And then there'd been a gang war. PP had left Chandini and Shikha and fled.

He remembered the panic that had shot in his veins when he ran through the warring gangs, and hadn't found her.

He remembered the rage that had coursed through him as her kidnapper had tried touching her. He remembered how she had slid in his jacket and said she felt the safest there.

And he remembered how she had gotten tipsy on the drinks PP had spiked and had clung to him all night. He had been holding on to his control by the skin of his teeth as she had squirmed in his arms all night and ground her hips into him.

He chuckled thinking of how torturous that night had been for him.

"Are you even listening to me?" Jhanvi's scornful voice brought him out of his thoughts.

"Huh?"

"I was saying....what are you thinking?"

"My wife." He chuckled. "This one time, before our wedding, she got tipsy and slept in my arms all night, begging me to make love to her. But I didn't because she was drunk and also I couldn't because she'd asked me not to touch her. I was just thinking of that night, it was a night of pure torture for me...I wouldn't wish a night like that upon anyone."