CHAPTER 64: dreams are memories that should've been

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I paced around my office that Sunday afternoon in the darkness where I knew no one would see me. Everything had been driving me insane since my breakup with Brielle and Ivy coming back into my life. She helped me with my work, but it didn't make it any easier.

My hands dug into my hair, fists full of dark locks as I fell down against my desk, my head hitting the wood as I growled out in frustration. Ever since Brielle left, I couldn't sleep or even function because every time I slept, nightmares and flashbacks of that night when I lost my parents ran through my head.

I'd wake up in cold sweat in my room alone with no comfort. When I made it downstairs, my brother refused to look me in the eyes and left the room the second I walked in. Even Coco and Kiara refused didn't want to be around me too often.

"Fuck," I swore, scrunching my eyes shut and furrowing my eyebrows together. No matter how much I tried to shift that girl from my mind, she stayed there looking angelic with that stupid smile I fell in love with on her face. What she said on Friday had haunted my mind and the memories of Ivy's reputation being tarnished clashed with my memories of Brielle.

I gasped out a breath before staring at the wall in front of me where the shelves were. Some boxes of my parents' things were in there and no matter how many times I checked them out, smelled dad's cologne or mom's perfume, the pain just worsened instead of got better.

It was as if breaking up with Brielle was more painful for me than it could ever have been for her.

All I remembered was Ivy coming up to me with tears in her eyes and clinging onto me as I stared back at Brielle in shock. In all the years I've known her, I never knew she had that side of her. That ruthless side, but it was scary how little sympathy she had for Ivy and she tore her apart bit by bit. 

I had been in my office for a while, finishing some work until a headache had started in my head. After getting coffee, I went back to work in the dark office. The curtains were slightly closed, only a little light being let into the room. It had been raining all day and the mood in the house was low. Ivy wasn't here today because she was visiting her grandparents which I was thankful for. I don't know what it is about her, but ever since Friday, my perspective's changed on her.

Ivy used to be my support when I needed it. She understood how I felt and I hated it. I hated how she was the one fling I ran back to because she manipulated me into feeling okay. That smirk on her face because she knew she was one of the only girls I ran back to. As if she was special. I never loved her, I never even appreciated her, but I was so fucking selfish when I was in pain, begging her to talk to me like I couldn't control myself.

Slowly, I stood myself up and made my way upstairs to my room. I wanted to lie down and sleep for a while just so everything would go away. I knew the nightmares would come back, but sleep was too irresistible right now. I knew that was wear the comfort was, but also everything that made me weaker.

Each step just added more and more weights upon my shoulders until I made it into my room, closing the door behind me and placing my head on the wood. I groaned in annoyance before scrunching my eyes shut. I threw myself on the bed where the sheets still smelt slightly like Brielle even after they were washed and the scent was so intoxicating. It flooded my nose which caused my headache to get worst.

Flashbacks of Brielle ran through my head as I curled up into a ball, my fingers tugging at my hair as I shook my head countless times. Fuck, it won't go away. I just keep seeing her stupid face and her long locks of golden hair.

Shit, my head. I turned over to lie on my back as visions of Brielle clouded my mind. Why won't she go away? I thought.

It was like because I've had her in my head for years, I couldn't get her out. She had invaded my thoughts and head until there was nothing to invade. I thought because I hurt her before that it would be easy, but it was heart wrenching seeing her walk out of my house alone and heartbroken.

One final flashback of her face flashed through my mind before I felt my eyes drift close. I was usually so tired that I was knocked out within a few minutes. Sleep was peaceful until the nightmares arrived so I wasn't holding much hope for getting a good amount of sleep.

My mind was dark, clouded with thoughts as I drifted into a comfortable slumber. My family may not have supported my decision to dump Brielle the way I did, but they never said anything—at least not to my face. Jaxon kept his distance and Coco avoided me as much as she could. My aunt Kiara rarely spoke to me, but when she did, there wasn't as much cheer in her voice. I know she scolded me a lot, but she did so out of joking. God, I missed it.

"Owen..." someone whispered as I stirred slightly in my sleep. It was a soft voice and one I've heard before, but I couldn't quite figure out where, "baby boy."

Those two words caught my attention as my thoughts filled with sudden light. Only one person ever called me her 'baby boy' and that was mom. I felt that feeling of a dream, comfortable and the warmth flooding my veins as I opened my eyes.

I was stood in what looked like gold, but was actually wheat growing and the sun's rays shining down upon each speck of land. I looked around in confusion until a sudden giggle caught my attention. Spinning round, the familiar sight of a woman in a white dress made my eyes widen. There was a man running after her and his arms went out to scoop her up in his arms with a laugh.

I watched them contently as the man placed her down, his arms still tight around her as he peppered her head with kisses. It was the sight in front of me that I previously saw when I was a child and I could only remember my expression when I saw them kiss. Me and and brother used to make fun of them and say how disgusting it was, but I forgot how much I missed the sight of them together.

I watched as my mother spun around in her dress, dad watching close by as he stared at her lovingly. She let out a laugh and took in the sun and warmth of the day. For years, I always thought my parents weren't happy because they couldn't look after us and be there for us. That made me angry because I wanted them to be at peace with everything, but the sight in front of me said everything.

They were happy.

I stepped forwards, my pace quickening as I tried to catch up to them. My dad stayed close to mom as she happily continued in her small trail.

"Damien, I bet you can't catch me!" she exclaimed as she ran forward, her gaze continuously on dad until it flickered behind him. My mother paused suddenly and it seemed that caught my father's attention because he already had mom in his arms, checking if she was alright, "oh...my...god..."

Her gaze was directly on mine and I gulped, feeling her hazel eyes upon mine as my father was completely clueless as to what was going on. Well, at least I know who I got my smart ass from, I thought. Mom's eyes left mine as she glared up at dad before smacking him on the side of the head and pointing behind him.

His eyes trailed down her arm and to where I was stood and soon, I was staring deep into the same blue eyes I had inherited. Dad hasn't changed much; he still had those dark locks of hair my mother used to love running her hands through and that tall lean build that intimidated anyone.

"Mom!" I called and I saw her cover her mouth to stop the sudden sobs when she sprinted towards me. My feet carried me as far as I could to my mother, who held her arms out, tears running down her face as her jaw clenched.

"Owen! My baby!" she shouted after when she came up to me, throwing herself in my arms as I encircled her in my hold. I felt her sobbing into my chest as I stared at dad making his way to us with a smile. His hand placed itself on my shoulder firmly pressed in reassurance. It felt so realistic, her touch, her voice and her scent. It all felt so real.

"It's good to see you again, son," he spoke as I smiled, pulling mom back slightly. She stared up at me in pure amazement, her delicate fingers messing with the dark locks of hair that had fallen over my face. A small sad smile settled itself on her lips as she quickly turned back to my dad, his hand on her hip.

"Oh, he looks just like you, Damien. Just like you," she whispered the last part as he nodded, rolling his eyes as he bent down to whisper in her ear despite knowing full well that I could hear.

"Of course, he does. After all, it was my sperm and your eggs." my mother gasped, slapping my dad on the arm as he chuckled deeply. I laughed, grimacing in response as I saw mom's cheeks flush bright red. I remember dad dedicated most of his days tormenting mom with his vulgar language and inappropriate jokes, "what, woman? He's nineteen--don't think we haven't been knowing what you've been getting up to, dirty bastard."

At that, I scratched the back of my neck, eyes looking anywhere except my mother's judgemental gaze. Of course, they would've fucking heard. They've probably been watching over me since I was a kid. My mother's arms crossed themselves over her chest as she arched an eyebrow at me.

"I'll admit, some of your actions are questionable, but you can only blame your dad for that," she muttered as she linked her arm through mine. We walked through the field together and the whole time, she smiled up at me, "I never wanted you to become—and excuse my language—some fuckboy, but there's someone very respectable inside."

"I try to keep a good reputation for myself," I mumbled, looking down at her as she giggled lightly, a hand going over her mouth. My dad was on my other side, walking with a hand on my shoulder, "wouldn't want to disappoint you, momma. Or dad."

"You've done a good job for yourself. I mean, you're handsome and smart and not only that, people are scared of you," my dad said as my mother scoffed quickly.

"I highly doubt making people scared of him is making him a good person, but sure. Anyway, how's Jaxon? Is he eating well? You know how worried I get about his diet." I nodded in response at my mother's concern over my brother. I've always made sure he ate a balanced diet because it's what mother asked of me. I know she'd haunt me for the rest of my life for neglecting Jaxon.

Every scrape and bruise he brought upon himself, I sanitised and bandaged or put some ice on. No one's ever tended to his wounds because it was my responsibility and also because he's never trusted anyone else to do so. The last time Kiara fixed a cut on his knee, he ended up falling over from the chair and giving himself another cut on the other knee. When Alfonso tried to get a splinter out of his finger, Jaxon punched him in the face from it hurting.

"He's eating his fruit and veg and doesn't need babying anymore, mom. He's nineteen—"

"Yet he still manages to cut himself when opening a pack of cookies," my mother mumbled, her voice bland as my dad snickered in response.

"He got that from you," he said before I could feel my mother's glare burning through me and to dad. We made our way to a giant oak tree and settled down underneath it in the shadows. My mother tucked her dress under her and dad busied himself by looking around the tree for anything interesting to do.

"Don't mind your dad. Sometimes I wish I didn't spend so much time with him because he's driving me up the fucking wall," she said before cocking her head to one side, "how are you, baby? I heard about your breakup and I know you're not taking it too well and also, who's that other blonde girl you're talking to? I don't like her."

"That's Ivy, mom," I said to her as I saw my dad walk back around, throwing a stick into the distance before he made his way back to us. As if he could sense the change in the atmosphere, his hard gaze settled on his wife.

"Jess, you better not be involving yourself in our son's affairs," dad said sternly, sitting down next to her and moving her hair aside. He peppered soft kisses on my mother's shoulder as she shook her head in response, tutting in the process.

"I'm his mother. It's practically my responsibility," she muttered before turning back to me and holding my hand, "please tell me how you are. I know how much it hurts because it's hurting me. You're suffering and I know Brielle is as well."

"She's better off without me, mom. When I was around, she was distressed, upset and hurt. I couldn't do that to her. When she chose her dad over me, I knew she put herself in a shit position and I was so fucking terrified she wouldn't make it out there alive. I couldn't save her and when she got back--as relieved as I was--I couldn't put her in the same position again. It was the only logical thing to do." the familiar throb in my heart started again and I turned to my mother, whose eyes were glazed over and he lip wobbled. She shook her head at me as her grip on my hand tightened.

"You hurt her, baby," she whispered as I nodded, my eyes furrowing together. This reminded me of previous times when she scolded me for breaking something in the house or hurting myself. Her hand placed itself over mine and I looked up to see her looking at me in concern, "that girl stood by you through every bad time you had and you pushed her away. Again. Regardless of how much pain she was in before, you were there when she needed you. She was still in pain when you left and it never stopped. Owen, you can't keep running away from the reality of this life and you can't hurt that girl the way you did."

"It's too late, mom. She fucking hates me now and it doesn't matter. Have you seen her? She's doing so well without me in her life..." I paused before a small smile made its way to my face, "she tried out for the cheer team. It's exactly like before."

"I know. I saw and I'm happy she's doing well, but you know I'm right. Baby, she loved you and you broke her heart. I didn't raise you to be like that. This life offers so many chances to hurt the people you love, but you need to know that life isn't worth living without those people. If you have to sacrifice everything to keep someone you care about safe then it's so worth the worry. Look at me and your dad. We are so happy—"

"But you're dead." mom looked taken aback by that and my gaze hardened on her. At that moment, dad saw mom's face. He placed his hands on her shoulders to sooth her as I could see the guilt written on their faces, "both of you are fucking dead and I was left to look after Jax!"

"Hey!" my father snapped as my gaze snapped up to him. He glared down at me and my mother gulped, the pain in her eyes evident, "don't raise your voice at your mother!"

"Do you realise how much it broke me when you two died and I swore off ever finding someone in case they ended up how you two did! I loved you two and you ended up dead! I was scared about everything Jaxon did because if he got hurt or worst—" I placed my head in my hands and groaned, a sudden ache numbing everything else.

"I'm sorry..." my mother whimpered as she let out a small sob, "I'm sorry we left you, but we had to! We couldn't come with you! If we did, they might've come after us again and they could've killed you. We gave up our lives so you two can grow up, make something for yourselves and trust me...the pain would've been worth it and the blood would've been well spent. You have to understand that we still love you. That isn't going to change, but you have to move on. You can't keep living in the past. You have to be happy and you have to fix things. Please. For mommy—for dad."

Because of their deaths, I couldn't ever let myself get hurt in the same way again. That numb ache I had in my chest made me feel so sick to my stomach and the feeling was so horrible, I never wanted to feel that way again. As soon as it left, I focused on making a change. I focused on changing my fate and closing my emotions off to anyone. I started boxing, the same age my dad was when he started and I trained myself up.

Jaxon started the year after me and I helped him get started, quietly fretting when he got hurt and tending to the bruises and aches he got. I made sure I forgot that night but remembered the people who died regardless.

The ache never went—of course it didn't, but I knew they were fine up there. They didn't need to worry because I was there and they knew I was capable, but they raised me up to be the exact opposite of who I've become.

I thought once I had started down that path of becoming completely emotionless, I could never walk back, but then Brielle came into my life. In the classroom of Class04, my aunt was talking to my new teacher and I was split up from my brother. I could hear his wailing in the room next door as I stared at the ground, angry at the fact they were so stupid enough to keep us apart.

I remember hearing a deep chuckle from across the room and looked up to see a