"What do you know about Parker?" I ask Ty because I know if I ask Josh he'll make fun of me. We're running side by side at the end of the group with the sun shining bright and warming my skin. Ty glances over at me.

    "Not much. That guy is so unapproachable and toxic. He reminds me of a gun, you know?" Ty's running distantly as if lost in though. "He says nothing but when he does speak, he's either yelling or snapping orders. Just like a gun is silent until you pull the trigger and then you can't stand it because it's so lethal and can do such callous things." The last part throws me off.

Callous things?

    "What callous things has he done?" I try to sound uninterested but I fail. The topic of Parker is just so fascinating. Ty describes him completely different than I would. Parker has never yelled or snapped at me. I've never seen him do anything bad besides shoot a gun at me which I'm still pretty mad about. And how is Parker toxic? Intoxicating, maybe. But not toxic.

    "Just take what he's doing to Miles, for example." Ty states as if I'm supposed to know. I stare over at him.

    "What's he doing to Miles?"

    "You don't know?" Ty questions and I shake my head resisting the urge to roll my eyes. I wouldn't be asking questions if I knew. "Oh, Miles says that Parker really hates him for no reason so he has Ryder following him around all the time. And he makes sure that Miles is never left alone with anyone. That's why Ryder follows him, to make sure he doesn't stray off with somebody. That's just one of the many things Parker does that's vulgar for no reason. He once made Mike do a hundred pushups for taking a fork out of the cafeteria."

These don't sound like very bad thing. And, I'm sure that there's a reason behind the whole Miles thing. There would be no point in having a man on probation out of hate. It's a waste of time and effort and I know Parker is smarter than that.

"That's it, Ty? Putting a guy on probation and making another guy do a hundred push-ups?" I confirm as we approach the courtyard. Ty glances sideways at me before plopping down in the grass. I do the same and run my palm over the rough shards as I wait for his reply.

"Well, I guess there's another time but I didn't want to scare you." He confesses and I perk up. Here we go. I need something to help me hate Parker. I used to hate him but lately I've been having a hard time. I've always believed he was a monster but I'm starting to realize that even though he oversaw my torture sessions that doesn't mean he liked it. Hawkins seemed like a pretty horrible guy. I can't imagine having him as a boss. So if watching me writhe in pain everyday was a part of his job, there's nothing he can do about it.

"Please, I doubt it will scare me after what I've been through." I retort and he shrugs as if saying 'what the heck, she wants to hear it.'

"He shot a soldier." He tells and I stare at him in shock. Parker would not shoot one of his men. "Yeah, the guy went outside for a run and Parker ran after and shot one of his legs. The guy fell and we were all watching as he started crawling. It was so pitiful and Parker was so cruel about the whole thing. He went to the soldier and grabbed his badge before walking back inside and closing the door behind him. The soldier had no choice but to crawl to the outside gate and wait for someone to let him out. It was the most despicable thing I've ever seen a human being do to another human. Parker looked so...bored doing the whole thing too."

"Did someone let the soldier out?" I ask in disbelief of the story. There has got to be something else Ty doesn't know about the story. As much as I want to hate Parker I don't accept that he would do that without being provoked.

    "Yeah, actually, Parker let him out." He finishes and I shake my head at this. That totally contradicts the whole story. If Parker is so horrid, why would he then release the soldier himself? If Parker was, in fact, a cruel person he would have had the soldier figure out a way to get himself out.

It just doesn't add up.

"Let's get going, Men." Ryder calls and we all do. On the run back, Ty talks about how the summer is almost over and how the leaves are changing colors already. I'm barely listening, though. I just can't get the image of Parker aiming a gun at an innocent soldier for no reason. I want to hate him, right? Why do I keep defending him in my own head then? Why can't I just let myself assume he's a horrible person who would shoot at people for no reason? It would actually be easier to hate him. But deep down, I know I can't.

     Not anymore.

We're all standing at attention in the gym the next morning and every time I see Parker, I feel a weird sense of unease. I'm caught between the image of him defenseless on my bedroom floor, staying with me because I asked, and of him shooting at the running soldier. I wasn't there when it happened but something about the image Ty painted for me yesterday really bugs me. Something does not add up. All of these men think Parker is some heartless being and I feel like I'm the only one who knows better than that. They're seeing Parker in black and white and I'm the only one who notices the grey in between.

They see hard steel in his eyes and I see pained silver.

"Alright, Men." He starts out and his voice is harsh. Do I hear it that way because of what Ty said or because that's what it is? Is it my imagination or reality? "You have a week off starting today. After the week we will have one last day to prepare before heading out to battle. Do not do anything stupid during this week and you will be fine. Do something stupid and you will get right back into the training schedule. I do not think you want to be drilling while the other men are relaxing, so think hard before doing something you might regret. Have a nice break, men."

A break? Does that mean Hawkins approved of our training? Is Hawkins even in the compound anymore? I smile when Ty glances over at me. We don't have to get up early anymore. I don't have to do stupid mental training or lift weights like I'm actually going to gain muscle in my starved body. We don't have to suffer through Parker's endless drills.

It's not like the last few weeks have been torture. I mean, I've literally been tortured so drilling and training is a vacation from my asylum life. I just wonder what will happen to me after the war if I even come out alive. I know that some men will be going home, so where will I go? The only place I have reference to is the padded cell I refuse to call a home.

Since I've had a taste of what life offers, I don't want to go back. I can't go back to the dreary red lines and glass tanks once I've been given friends, real food, a bed, green grass, the warm sun against my skin with the wind blowing my hair, and freedom. How can I go back to being ushered around like a prisoner once I've had a taste of freedom? I'll never be the same.

I'm alive and they're going to kill me all over again.

"You okay, Riley?" Ty's voice asks me and I snap out of my daze. I swallow hard before meeting his eyes and nodding my head. He smiles at me and turns to where Miles is suddenly standing.

That's when I realize how different he is compared to Parker. If Parker would have asked me that question and I answered how I did, he would have shook his head but remained silent, waiting for me to change my mind and tell the truth. He's always waiting for me to be the one to open up. He won't push me, yet he still cares enough to listen when I'm ready.

I glance up and don't realize I'm looking for Parker until I find him. He's leaning against a wall in the back of the gym by the door leading outside. I smile at his figure until I notice that his eyes are watching something very intently. And that something is none other than me. When he notices me smile at him, he nods his head, beckoning me toward him. I look over at Ty.

"I'll be right back." I tell him and he nods a little distracted by whatever Miles is saying. I walk towards Parker uninterrupted even with all of the excited soldiers roaming around. When I finally reach him, he grabs my hand and leads me outside. I try to focus on anything but how his calloused hands feel in mine. The sun is shining bright and the wind isn't as cold as it was yesterday and the green grass is smiling up at me and Parker's hand is really big compared to mine and is surprisingly soothing.

He's holding my hand....and then he isn't.

    "Are you going to sit, love?" He questions and I struggle to figure out what's going on right now. He was holding my hand, leading me somewhere, and now I think we're stopped and I don't feel his hand in mine anymore. It's a weird feeling. I flex my fingers. It's like wearing a piece of jewelry for over a year and then losing it. Your body just feels off without it.

My eyes bring me back to the present when they take in the sight of Parker sitting in the grass. It's a weird sight like I'm almost dreaming it and I suddenly wonder if I am. His posture is not as rigid as normal, he's leaning back on his elbows, and he's looking up at me like he has all day. Which, I suppose, he does. My heart leaps when he reaches up and claims my hand in his once more to tug me down to sit next to him. I sit for a few seconds a little bit in awe of what just happened, and then I lie on my back and close my eyes.

"If I ask you a question, will you tell me the truth?" I ask him unexpectedly as he runs his thumb in circles on the outside of my palm. I don't understand what is happening right now. I'm supposed to hate his guts. I'm supposed to be repulsed at the sight of him, yet here I am letting him hold my hand and my adulterous body actually enjoys it.

The feel of my hand in his is making my mind do funny things.

It's not like I've never been touched by a boy before. There was that guard when I was fifteen that seemed to like me quite a bit. He kissed me once and I let him because I was fifteen and had never been kissed by a boy before. I had absolutely no feelings for him and that was probably why I did not like it very much.

After that, I never saw him again but I do remember Parker being very mad and distant towards me for a whole week after that. Now that I think about it, that's quite a coincidence. He was probably just irritated that I made him lose one of his guards. That's the only explanation that makes sense.

"It depends entirely on the question." He answers finally and I keep my eyes closed as I gather the courage to ask.

"Ty told me a story about you shooting a soldier because he was running and I wanted to know if it was true." I spit out quickly and his thumb continues to make tiny circles that somehow calm me.

"Yes. It's true." He admits and I tense. The pause between his words stretches on for seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years. Then he continues, "but Private Hensley probably got it all wrong. His name was Damon. Damon was angry at the Prominence and would constantly threaten to run away. But he was one of our best soldiers and was ranked as a high official which gave him access to the key to the gate. That meant he could go in and out as he pleased. One day he said he had enough and he ran outside. But that was around the time when the scientists were starting to think the Flesh Feeders could infect others.

"If he were to get out and get infected, he had the key. Flesh Feeders are not stupid. If he had a key to the compound, even with an infected mind he would have gotten in. Then we would have an outbreak on our hands and a lot of soldiers would get infected. It's not like I wanted to shoot him, love." He stops the circles on my palm. "But I had to think about the men and their families and the outcome of the outbreak. I could have killed him but I just shot his leg to stop him, grabbed his badge which had the key, and I got the key out of his sight. Then I came back out and let him out into the wild. It was a tragic loss but was one that had to be made."

Oh.

That story is a lot different than what Ty told me. I was under the impression Parker just didn't want the soldier running around, but this story has depth and detail and makes me feel ashamed for thinking less of Parker. I actually feel really abashed. We stay there in silence for a little while until the sun starts to set. It's not an awkward silence. That's the thing about Parker. I can sit with him in silence without feeling the need to fill it.

"How late is it?" I ask, breaking our silence and I'm sure Parker checks his watch. 

"It's probably time for you to retire to your quarter." He answers, not giving me a time. I should probably start to get up or at least insist he tell me an actual time but all I can think is: how did this happen? When did I become okay with Parker leading me places and holding my hand and telling me stories? When did my mind decide I want him as a friend? I don't think friends hold each other's hands like this, though. And why was my consciousness not involved in this decision?

All I know is that I'm happy with the outcome.